Other family members in denial

[graci]

Im about at my wits end My Bf is an addict and is in prison right now. he has been thinking about moving closer to his grandmother when he is released, to start over fresh. My frustration with this is that she is in complete denial about him being an addict. She says she doesnt believe that he is, that he just has some bad habits and needs to be a stronger person. She thinks he doesnt need rehab or therapy because all that is is for people that are weak, and basically insinuated that the blood in her family is stronger than that. When he was first incarcerated she couldnt even bring herself to put a stamp on a letter adressed to the prison because that is admitting that he is a criminal and thats not what her family is about. I have tread lightly when talking to her and trying to get her to realize what issues he has and what support he may need when he is released. She thinks a good dose of family values a job and taking some night courses is all he needs. I dont think she has said any of this to him tho. At one point she even blamed me for pulling him off the right path when he chose to move out of her home and come to live with me to be more independent. She later apologized. I dont know how to deal with this at all, and i certainly dont know how to communicate with him that this situation may be very unhealthy for him. Her denial may be the thing that helps him to not be accountable for his behavior. I honestly feel that there isnt anything I can say without causing some rift or defensiveness and creating a me against his grandmother type of scenario. Its so baffling.. How can someone be in such denial??????

[Impurrfect]

(((graci)))

denial is a VERY strong thing. I have no great advice, but I can tell you that as a recovering addict...when I decided go into recovery, nothing would have stopped me. That meant ME making the decision to move away from where I lived and could easily get dope. If he really wants to stay clean, and being around his grandmother makes that hard, then he will make the decision to move out.

Basically, it's up to him...you can't keep him clean anymore than she (or other family members) can. I used to try to get people to break thru their denial, but it was like banging my head against the wall, so I gave it up.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[rayofsunshine]

Hi graci,
Trying to get the grandmother to come out of denial is about like trying to get your BF recovered. Its got to be totally up to them... we can't change them no matter how hard we want to try. Try to give this situation over to your HP. "Let Go and Let God". Remember the 3 C's ... they apply to the grandmother as well as the addict....
1. You didn't Cause it
2. You can't Control it
3. You can't Cure it
Sending cause I know how hard this is.

[Wascally Wabbit]

You can not "communicate" with him that drugs are bad for him. He knows this already.
You will learn this as your lifes journey continues. The only thing you can do is make decisions about whether or not this is the kind of life you want to live. You won't be able to change him.
My xh's mother was in denial too. I left him 2 years ago. It was the best move I ever made. While I am moving forward, she is taking care of him and living in denial that her college educated son would ever do drugs. He has lost his house, he is in debt to the IRS for 35k, has maxed out his credit cards, yet mommy is taking care of him.
Not only that, but I stayed too long, and now I am dealing with a financial nightmare.

The mothers won't change either. They live in their little cloud of denial and there's nothing we can do to convince them that their sons are addicts.

It was best for me just to run like crazy and get out while I could. I will never ever have an addict or alcoholic in my life again. It costs way too much emotionally and can ruin a person financially.

[graci]

I realize that I cant change her mind. Im not going to even try to. I wrote a lonnng letter to my BF stating basically that I have noticed a pattern in him twhen he feels that he has failed to want to start over, either geographically or in some other way by starting school. Wanting to start over is courageous and I truly believe each and everytime he has done it he wanted it at the time, but never did he deal with his issues prior to doing this. I said as much in my letter, I told him what I felt about his grandmother, and I wrote it with kid gloves so that he wouldnt think I was attacking her and really Im not, the woman has found a way to survive for 72 years, its her blanket we all have them. I encouraged my BF in the letter to give himself the best possible chance of succeeding this time as he starts over whenever he is released from prison to find out what is going on inside of himself and to deal with it no matter how hard it seems before he is thrust out into the world without absolutely no skills for making it. It was a total of 6 pages front and back, I wrote it as his best friend and whether he takes my advice or not I feel good for having written it, it helped me, because I feel like there is so much I see about him that he doesnt see about himself. I took a risk as well by writing it cuz I realize he may get mad, although I wrote it in a very nice way. Hopefully he is able to hear it and takes atleast some of it to heart. After this I have to keep my mouth shut. His life is his choice. His gma's life is her choice.