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Old 12-12-2007, 03:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Disappearing Act

Can anyone tell me why addicts and alcoholics disappear for days at a time. Sometimes a week or more. You cannot find them. They do not return phone calls and usually they don't go to work.

I would like to call his mother to make sure he is okay, but I've been told this is pretty typical of addicts/alcoholics. When you do finally hear from them they act like it is no big deal.
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Old 12-12-2007, 03:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by GoodKarma View Post
Can anyone tell me why addicts and alcoholics disappear for days at a time. Sometimes a week or more. You cannot find them. They do not return phone calls and usually they don't go to work.

I would like to call his mother to make sure he is okay, but I've been told this is pretty typical of addicts/alcoholics. When you do finally hear from them they act like it is no big deal.
"He" has his own agenda...sadly it's wrapped up in his addiction, sometimes addicts stay away to avoid everyone telling them what's best for them, sometimes it's because their substance of choice is elsewhere and they gone to seek it and it's not rare that time has little meaning in their quest for that high.

"It's no big deal" is usually a disarming tactic...hopefully after that response you won't ask anymore questions about his whereabouts...addicted folks go to great lengths to insure access to our drug of choice. Pursuing them most often results in more avoidance and the possibility of angry confrontation.

Good luck in your struggle...make sure you and the rest of the family see to your emotional needs too...
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Old 12-12-2007, 04:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I can only answer from my experience.....when i was in active addiction, the only people who knew where I was were the ones I was using with or buying from. One the one hand I didn't want to talk to family (too ashamed) and on the other hand, didn't want to ruin my high with reality.

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Old 12-12-2007, 04:38 PM   #4 (permalink)
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didn't want to ruin my high with reality.
This is what always kept my AH MIA. Now we are separated but talk usually regularly. If I dont hear from him, even if substances arent involved its exactly that. He can pretend he's someone else and not ruin that feeling with reality
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Old 12-12-2007, 06:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
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My BF has done that a couple of times..... he did it back in August... and I stayed up the entire night sobbing and wondering what he was up to. I promised myself I will NEVER do that again.....

It's been 4 months since that happened.

But yeah I think it's cause I ruin his high... and what hurts is that these losers, he was hanging out with, knew him and what he was up to more than I did.
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Old 12-12-2007, 06:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you all for your response. Guess he'll show up sooner or later. Just don't think I'll be around when he does. He might have also lost his job by not showing up for that. He doesn't seem to care about that apparently.
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Old 12-12-2007, 06:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Because they dont want to hear, "Where the heck are you?" and "Why aren't you home....?"
They go off and do their thing with out interruption from us. Then, when high times are over, they crawl back home begging forgiveness or acting abusive.
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Old 12-13-2007, 05:19 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I feel your pain. My son is currently among the missing. He had a fight with his gf late Monday night and no one has heard from him since.

I was going to file a missing persons report but I wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do. I am sure he is hiding out somewhere.

He has never done this before and it is not like him but then again a lot of things have not been like him over the last 2 weeks.
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Old 12-13-2007, 05:24 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Yes Wabbit, he comes crawling back begging forgiveness. I have not heard from him since last Friday. He does this quite often. About every month or so. Especially now since he has started hanging out this real loser homeless guy.
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Old 12-13-2007, 05:55 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I hate it when they go missing. always think the worst, and have trouble functioning. I get into obsession mode. then when my AD turns up, as if nothing happened, and gives me an offhanded "I'm sorry I didn't call you back, mom" - I want to slap her. Yet I know when I was in active addiction (especially when i was younger) I was much too self-centered to think about letting anyone know where I was. It was like "Well I know I'm OK, so what are they so worried about? I'll call them when i feel like it." I also thought my family's concerns and desire to know where I was and if I was OK was rediculous, overly dramatic, etc. it was all part of my denial.
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Old 12-13-2007, 06:33 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Yes, my RAH use to disappear ALL the time. At lst. I use to sit up all night crying and calling his cell phone all the time. One time he told me he was running to the store and didn't come home for 2 days.

He lost his job for not showing up - and I started to not call him or worry, I just went on with my life.

And when he would come home, it would be the sorry and blah blah blah - in the beginning I use to beleive it.
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Old 12-13-2007, 07:59 AM   #12 (permalink)
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ok so then how about the 21 year old son, who has decided that life is better over at substance abusing dad's house, who has just forgotten that his mom exists, who hasnt been home in a month or called to even just say "Hi mom...how are you"......I feel like I've been written off the face of the earth.
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Old 12-13-2007, 08:16 AM   #13 (permalink)
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GoodKarma,

He's just doing what addicts do. You mustn't be surprised -- every time you take him back, you make it so he can do this to you (and to himself) again.

The only important question is whether it's how you want to live your life. He has his own journey, you have yours. Do you want to keep supporting him and stay in your front-row seat to the madness of addiction?

Hugs,
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Old 12-13-2007, 08:45 AM   #14 (permalink)
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GiveLove, No this is not how I want to live my life. I knew when he let that homeless alcoholic guy, with no car or anything, move in with him that this was gonna happen.

I have not tried to call him since Monday. I'm hoping he will never contact me again. Then I can just move on and forget about him. That will be the easiest way.

I'm staying busy with my life and trying to just move on. It's just that sometimes I wonder if he is still alive or in jail or what. That's all. I guess it's only natural to do that. Right?
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Old 12-13-2007, 09:20 AM   #15 (permalink)
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It's natural to care what is happening to someone that we once had a great closeness with, sure.

Where you might hurt yourself (and where I've hurt myself in the past) is if you find yourself obsessing about it, can't sleep, can't think about anything else, and generally get so worried that you're so damned RELIEVED when he calls that you take him back again.

Been there, done that My brother is currently missing in action, and we fear the worst based on his behavior right before disappearing. I'm doing as you are....trying to move on with life while hoping that this lost soul (whom I love madly, make no mistake) finds his way back.

If you're just wondering where he is, and hoping he will some day find his way, I think that's just being human. Only you can say whether your feelings for him are interfering with your happiness.

Take care of yourself, Karma. You're a good person.
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Old 12-13-2007, 11:37 AM   #16 (permalink)
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My family didn't know where I was for months at a time...whether I was dead or alive. Not only was I too ashamed to call and say "I'm okay, but still getting high" but I also didn't want to drag them into my world. They lived 1-1/2 hrs away and I was glad for the distance because they didn't have to see me walking around the streets, looking really bad.

puddinface - he hasn't forgotten you, he's just doing what A's do. I literally couldn't think past the next high. It would be Monday, the next thing I knew, it was Saturday and weeks turned into months. It's definitely not something I'm proud of, but it is what it is (or was in my case). It's impossible for someone who is not an addict to understand how an addict thinks. As soon as I got some dope, I was thinking of how to get more. When I WOULD think of all the people I was letting down, it was too painful, so I got more dope to not think about it. He hasn't forgotten you, sweetie, he's just being an addict.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-13-2007, 08:15 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Impurrfect...I know you are right and I am learning and beginning to accept but the rollercoaster of feeling like "What did I do wrong as a mom? and "Why doesnt he want to live in my stable, loving household?" etc..just hits me like a freight train on a daily basis. I know its nothing I've done but I'm just trying to understand. Thanks for listening. :wtf2
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Old 12-13-2007, 08:39 PM   #18 (permalink)
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I can only tell you that your not the only person who has been up all night wondering what, where and who they are with, I have been there with you at some point in time and when my ah came home he acted like what are you so upset about?.

The only thing I can say is what i told my ah is that when he does that he needs to pick up a phone and call me to tell me he's ok and then just hang up on me,This way i know he's alive and i'm not sitting there all night wondering.

:ghug
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