will babys drug addicted dad effect her when she's older?

[indestress]

I started a post in here a while back called trying to help my ex bf get home.
well iv found him and as far as i know he is still using, He says he's coming home for xmas to spend some time with the our baby, she will be turning two on the 27th of this month.
i know the worst thing i could do to him at this point is take his child away from him, but im worried about when she gets older. how can i tell her drugs are bad when she will see her father doing them?
he is already not allowed to be alone with her do to the fact that he has been cought several times having sex with girls as young as 13, (he is 36.) i know he has been raised in a VERY poor inviorment and has little to no morals.
Im worried he will do something to our daughter when she is older so i wont let him be alone with her.
i have seen how gross he can be, and Yes i am shure its because the life he has lived excepts this as normal,funny or just not a big deal.
I dont want this man in my life as a bf but I dont know what to do when it comes to him seeing his baby.
I love him dearly but I cant handle the things he does,to himself and others.
my little girl is sooo smart and healthy, i spend all my waking moments trying to think of ways to keep her safe.
I as a small child was sexually abused and have seen the effects of drugs on my loved ones.and im shure it plays a big part in my mentile problems now. im diagnosed with angziety, depression, PTSD, paranoya. I am barly able to leave my house, do to the things that have happind to me in life. I want to keep her from the same fate however I know that this is very difficult to do.
last time i checked (back in high school) statistics showed that 4 out of every 5 woman will be sexualy abused in some way at some point in their lives.
and that was back then, im 22 now and god knows how big that list has gottin.
she's litterly the perfect little girl, REALLY, she is the best child a mother could ever ask for. im shure if i didnt have her i wouldnt be here.
I know you may be abit confused, is it the drugs she is worried about or is it that he might sexualy abuse their daughter? well its really both. this man lies for the dumbest reasons, i really have no reason to trust him.
and every thing bad that happins to him is allways someone elses fult.
hmmmm.... so i guess the real question is, how do i raise a child around a drug addict and teach her good morals and raise her right?

[Japic05]

((indestress))

I can sense that you are struggling trying to do the "right" thing for everyone in this situation. That can be so difficult - trying to make everyone happy.

In these types of situations, I try to set back - look at the facts from a non-emotional point of view. Try to eliminate the feelings and just look at the facts - if there were a person, a total stranger, who potential could cause great harm to your daughter, emotionally, physically or sexually would you allow that person to be around your daughter? Probably not.

There are ways for people to still be in contact with loved ones without seeing each other face to face. Thru letters, cards, phone calls, etc. Maybe you could try that type of contact first to see if it is going to be safe for everyone before taking it a step further with face to face contact.

These are just a few suggestions, you are her Mom and have the opportunity to decide what is best for her - will continue to lift you and her up in prayers so that you will have guidance from your HP as what is best.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

[Midnightfrost]

Indestress,

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. From your post I gathered that you have to track him down and make the plans and such. If he tends to drift off and not stay in contact maybe you should just let that happen. Hopefully when he chooses a better path for himself he will choose to have a healthier, safer relationship with your child. That's my 2 cents as far as that goes. May I also suggest finding books for young kids and parents that help explain good touch and bad touch so that you and her have the tools and language to discuss and hopefully prevent sexual abuse. Sounds like your doing a wonderful job with her! Do you have support in the area? Have you considered joing a support group? Alanon, single parent group, a church group?

[GiveLove]

As a person who was also sexually abused as a child, I wish that my parents had been more protective of me when I was unable to protect myself. It would have saved me many many years of suffering.

This is your chance to do that. There is NOTHING good about allowing your child to be around a sexually deviant man doing drugs around your child, regardless of who he is or was. Nothing good at all. It does nothing but harm to your child.

He has made his choices and continues to make them. You are not required to allow this person in your daughter's life until a court says you have to.

This is your chance to protect her. This is your opportunity to be a mama bear and make sure that what happened to YOU will never happen to her.

That's what I wish my mother had done anyway.

[Impurrfect]

indistress -

glad to see you back..I remember when you were going to go get him. It sounds like you are doing much better.

Honestly, at 2 years old I don't see how your daughter can benefit from him coming home at Christmas. He hasn't been around, and she doesn't even really know him. It sounds like this is about what HE wants and he wants his cake and eat it, too.

Sorry to sound harsh, but have had to deal with this for 14 years. My 14-year-old niece is being raised by my dad & stepmom (and I live with them all) because her mom (my stepsister) died at age 18 from a car wreck. Her dad is a manipulative crack addict.

When she was younger, we had to let him see her because of the court system, but he only had supervised visits. We never said anything bad about them....I convinced my parents that she would figure it out for herself. Now, at age 14 she wants nothing to do with him. He has been in/out of jail and prison, and she calls him a pervert. She is a beautiful girl and actually looks just like her mom. He has made subtle, inappropriate comments and she has told us "that's not how a daddy is supposed to act". DFACS is completely aware of this and has urged us to go after him for the $15,000 he owes in back child support to get him out of her life. His parents are just as manipulative and see all his problems as her fault.

I don't want your daughter to go through what my niece has. My stepmom (who has guardianship of her) is very codependent and doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I, on the other hand, am taking the "mama bear" stance and am fiercely protective of my niece.

And, just to remind you, I am a recovering crack addict. My niece has seen what drugs can do to you, but she's also seen me walk away from that life and do better for myself and my family. As long as he chooses to keep doing drugs, I wouldn't worry about what he wants.....he's not worried about what is best for his daughter.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Spiritual Seeker]

What are you thinking? This sperm donor should not be near your daughter.
There is no added value at this time and the down side is huge. He doesn't know the right boundaries.

[hello-kitty]

i know the worst thing i could do to him at this point is take his child away from him,

Actually, the BEST thing you can do for him (not to mention for you and your daughter) is to keep him away from your little girl. He's a grown man making grown man choices. Really bad choices. It's not up to you to save him from his choices or help him recover from the results of those choices. You have your hands full being a mom with a two year old little angel. Do you really want to be a mom to a 36 year old drug addicted sexual deviant as well?!

You didn't cause his problems.
You can't control his problems.
You will not be able to fix his problems.


The best thing you can do for him is to be a loving mom to his little girl and protect her from anyone who might hurt her. Including her father. Don't let him have the opportunity to disappoint her or abuse her or ruin her life. In my opinion, that's the best you can do for a drug addict. Until he is clean - no contact.

By the way, Your 2 year old daughter will be absolutely crushed when he leaves the next time. They don't forget. My 2 year old son still asks where his daddy is. I just say "I don't know but mommy loves you and will take care of you forever, because that's what mommies do." Then I ask him, "is that ok with you?" And he gives me a big hug and says ok mama.

[rahsue]

[quote=lives.
so i guess the real question is, how do i raise a child around a drug addict and teach her good morals and raise her right?[/QUOTE]


the answer is easy..... you don't! the effects that could happen outway the love or strong emotions you have for this man.
I don't usually give such cut and dry advice but I think I'm right on this.
cut all ties with this man until he is well and since he is having sex with 13 yr olds it may be never that your daughter should be with him. Your daughter is relying on you for protection and that is your first priority.

good luck to you to make the right decision.

[indestress]

thanks to all of you, and well, i wont have to worry about this for some time now... he has been arrested and is in jail looking at 18 months i guess. so i guess i have some time to figure out where i go from here . lol
i just bailed him out a week befor he got arrested for the third time.
so i have told him he needs to take responciblities for the things he has done in life and of coures that is the last time i will be helping him or anyone else in his situation.
he seems to get the point and understand that he needs to make some BIG changes befor he will be allowed back in the babys life, however, he will never be allowed to be alone with her.
unfortunate but nessessary to protect the baby.

[sjr]

i just have to add my two cents in this one!!!~~i have been in both situations, the daughter, and the mother of a child who's father was an addict....

my mom wanted me to grow up with a father. however, my step-dad whom she married when i was just one was a horrible violent alcoholic. i was sexually abused for many years of my life....i can tell you from experience, i would of rather grown up without ANY father figure than to watch the man that was my 'father' sloppy drunk, abuse my mother and brother terribly, and not of experienced the horrible things he did to me!!!!! as an adult i have forgiven my mother for not "protecting" me more, but i gotta tell ya...it wasn't until maybe a few years ago...and i know that deep down the feeling of being betrayed by mom (for lack of a better word) is still there.~~~i now forutnatly have a relationship with my biological father....the step-dad though....haven't seen him in over 14 years....and i don't miss the b*stard one bit!!!~~and he was the only father i knew till i was 18 years old....

i had my own daughter at 21. her father was an active addict at the time...she was born premature,almost died...he showed up at the hospital when she was four days old...said he had to take a friend out of town...hmmm...priorities?...

he didn't see her again until she was 8 years old and clean.~~then he turned into super-dad...relapsed...didn't see her again for several years

i never said harsh words to her about her dad. she of course asked, mostly when she started school, and saw the other dad's....i gave pretty much the same answers as hello-kitty....mommy loves you, daddy just isn't able to be here right now. never anything negative...

they have there own relationship now. she actually stayed with him over last summer in the height of her addiction. she says he understand her better, maybe he does, i have never done a drug. never intend to.

with that being said....if i thought for even half a second that her father stood of a remote chance of touching my child in an inappropriate manner, he would never lay eyes on her as long as i lived!!!!!

i don't want to sound mean...but think of what you are saying!!! he is having sex with 13 year old girls!!!!! 13 year old girls are babies themselves. do you let him see her now...but not when she is older? explain that one to her....i say let him get help, LOTS OF IT...if there ever comes a time when he isn't a harmful influence, rethink the situation.

i'm sorry this is a long reply, but sexual abuse holds a cloud over me and i am sure many other women. you said your self the statistics are high.

a man with a drug addiction and potential sexual abuser...it has already been said, if he was anyone else, would this even be a consideration.

i hope you don't take my words to harshly, i really don't mean to sound like a know it all or anything, cause heaven knows i am not....i pray for you and your daughter...and that your HP will give you guidance.....s

[hello-kitty]

The kids never forget and it affects them SO HORRIBLY. Last night me and my little boy were at our music class. And he was running around being a nut - sticking his tongue out and acting like a clown trying to get the instructors attention. He was giggling and having a great time. He was wild! It was annoying me so bad because all the other kids were being so calm and paying attention to their parents. All of a sudden it struck me, my son misses his daddy. Every kid in the class has a daddy. Several had their daddies with them. Andrew was just trying to get a grown man's attention. Because he doesn't have a father figure in his life. He wanted to play with a man. Not his mommy.

That night after his bath I brushed his hair into this slick back style like his father used to do and he said, "daddy do it like that". I told him that he looked very handsome that way. And he smiled and seemed so proud. My son is ONLY 2 1/2 and hasn't seen his father since before he could talk. But he remembers. And it's heart breaking. We prayed for his daddy that night. He always wants to pray for his daddy.

I couldn't even imagine bringing potential sexual abuse into the mix.

I'm glad you have decided to put your daughter first indestress. Being a father is a privelege not a right. Good for you.

I also think it is better that the kids never experience the inconsistence of parents behavior when they are high or drunk or even coming down off those drugs or recovering from a hangover. Better for them not to have their idealistic love for their fathers shattered by the psychosis of drug/alcohol addiction.

[indestress]

first I wanted to say something to hello-kitty,

That night after his bath I brushed his hair into this slick back style like his father used to do and he said, "daddy do it like that". I told him that he looked very handsome that way. And he smiled and seemed so proud. My son is ONLY 2 1/2 and hasn't seen his father since before he could talk. But he remembers. And it's heart breaking. We prayed for his daddy that night. He always wants to pray for his daddy.

that brought tears to my eyes, my littler one ia always pointing at picture of daddy and saying "that dada" sometimes evens call complete strangers that pass us in the mall dada. I always say dad lives in alberta baby, or something close to that, but your right, it is so heart breaking.
as for some of the other replys, i have been sexualy abused in my past aswell, not by my father but by others, and my parents never knew till i was 15. so i know how something like that can stick with you for the rest of your life.
i guess thats the fear, you see i am unshure of wether on not he would do such a thing to her, if there is a line for him to cross or not.and sometimes i feel bad, when i think of how i am not 100% shure of this, i think of how i may be fulsly accusing him of something, now I AM CERTENLY NOT WILLING TO TAKE A CHANCE, but i just wounder if it is the right decition sometimes.
as for the addiction of drugs, there are just sooo many situations one can run into in the future...i dont know where to start, ppl keep telling me to live it day by day, deal with it when it happins, i disagree, i feel i should try to be prepered.
how can i countinue to let her see her father in the future if he is still using, and be able to explane to her that some of the things he does is rong, or how can i let her know that she should tell me if he does do something to her , without taking her trust in her father from her, or with out making her feel unsafe with him.
oh yes, as for how her dad is doing,i will be posting about that shortly.

[hope213]

i am sorry you are going thru all of this. this is an old post & i do not know how i missed it. sounds as if you have some major problems. i would say while your b.f. is gone for you to get a good lawyer. there is alot of good advise ahead of me. do not let this man riun your life & especially your daughters.prayers that you will be strong enough to stop all of this. you owe him nothing ,put your daughter first.