Help with son? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

mjpaao · 12-04-2007, 06:40 PM

Hi Guys,
My ah, along with his agf, moved a couple of months ago to a small cabin within a half mile of my family's small summer camp. To go to the camp from where I live, I must go by the cabin, there's no other way. I must say, I find it a little odd that with all the places that are for rent around here, he had to pick that location!!!
My son ( age 28 ) and I passed him while he was there a few weeks ago, I was hoping son didn't see him, but of course he did. We had a quick conversation about why he would move there, etc, son was not pleased.
Son told me today he went by a couple of weeks ago, son always used to go that way to work instead of the highway before ah moved there. Anyway, ah saw my son on the road (cabin is right next to the road ) and ducked behind the door of his truck, like he did the first time when he saw us go by. My son is very angry about this., but I know he is really very badly hurt by his dad's actions. They have not seen each other in almost 4 years.
I gave son the speech about how this man is not your dad, not the dad you used to know, but it didn't do much good. Of course, being so close to Christmas doesn't help. They used to be very close, I'm sure son never saw the addiction coming, and his dad never did say goodby.
Just wondering if anyone might have some words of wisdom for me to pass on to my son. I know he's hurting, just trying to help him cope.

kj21 · 12-04-2007, 07:06 PM

sorry no words of wisdom. My ABF has 2 sons from his first marriage. He has a terrible relationship with them! I don't know why, he just totally removed himself from them. He tries sometimes, but it is a half assed effort. I personally think it is because he is embaressed of who he is and what he has become. He can't face them! My sons dad did not come around or call either for a couple years after our divorce. I truly believe they just care too much about themselves and it hurts them to be around the kids, to see thier own kids eyes when they look at them with questions, or contempt. Just my two cents.

**Ann** · 12-05-2007, 02:10 AM

Please tell your son that this is not a reflection on him, but on the shame and embarrassment of his father. Your son is 28 years old, maybe going to some meetings might help him cope and understand. ACOA is good for children of addiction, as well as Alanon, Naranon or CoDA.

Addiction affects the entire family and there is no way to stop it from being sad.

Prayers for all of you.

Hugs

laketime · 12-05-2007, 08:40 AM

Introduce him to al-anon or at the very least this forum. He may be able to learn about addiction on his own. Sometimes they don't accept what us or other family members tell them, they must hear it somewhere else for it to be true.

***greeteachday*** · 12-05-2007, 06:18 PM

Sadly I think we can't control how our kids feel about circumstances any more than we can control addiction. I'm quite sure yoiu are right...his anger is simply his pain in disguise. Your words to him sound wonderful and caring, just as you are, but having expressed them, I think there is not much more to say. Your son will have to work through this on his own. Don't forget that aside from loosing their close bond, he is probably very upset about how you have been hurt. HUgs

***hope213*** · 12-06-2007, 04:39 AM

our children suffer whn their parents are the users. let him know it is not his fault & that is really not his dad, it is the drug. iu am sorry you both are going thru this. prayers,

rahsue · 12-06-2007, 08:43 AM

he's 28, ask him what he would like to do or what kind of situation does he wish would happen. After hearing him answer you may come up with some wonderful mom thoughts.

caileesnana · 12-06-2007, 08:48 AM

thoughts and prayers for your son,
susan

mjpaao · 12-06-2007, 04:59 PM

Thank you everyone, you gave me many things to think about. Sometimes I wish I could kidnap my ah, and make him see what he has really done, but of course, it wouldn't change a thing. Besides, I don't want anyone coming after me with a frying pan, lol!!!

I told my grand daughter the other day that this year we are going to have a great Christmas!! The last three have not been great, too many memories and too much sadness. I am DETERMINED to make this the best ever!
And on that note, I hope everyone here has a wonderful holiday season. My prayers will be with you and your families when we're in church on Christmas Eve. My grand children are all going to be in a small play, since the youngest children are only 2, it should be very interesting!!

outonalimb · 12-07-2007, 04:32 PM

(((((((((mjpaao))))))))))

Out of all the pain and sadness that I felt over losing my husband and marriage to addiction, the hardest, most heart-wrenching times have been when I looked at my son and saw the pain and confusion in his eyes. He didn't even have to say anything...it was just there. Oh man, it sure does hurt a mom's heart.

We can't always protect them from the reality of addiction. Whenever I feel particularly helpless, I try to focus on what I CAN do...which is work on my recovery and show him, by example, that it IS possible to live a happy, peaceful life no matter what his dad might be doing. Think of all the wonderful examples you can show him about recovery in action. He's been watching you and learning and one day, when he is ready, he'll follow in your recovery footsteps. He's probably already started on this journey because we all know how big of a role anger can play in it. Its just another emotion to work thru...sometimes time and time again...until finally we can let it go. Your son will get there and he's blessed to have you show him the way.

Big Sis told me once that God doesn't have any grandchildren and I really like this saying. Your son has his HP and he has a really loving, wonderful mom too. He's one lucky kid despite the unfortunate reality of addiction in his life.

I hope your Christmas holiday is full of happiness and peace.
You'll be in my prayers too my friend!!

Hugs and prayers right back at ya!!!!!!!!!!:ghug

12-04-2007, 06:40 PM	#1 (permalink)
mjpaao Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: on top of the hill Posts: 197	Help with son? Hi Guys, My ah, along with his agf, moved a couple of months ago to a small cabin within a half mile of my family's small summer camp. To go to the camp from where I live, I must go by the cabin, there's no other way. I must say, I find it a little odd that with all the places that are for rent around here, he had to pick that location!!! My son ( age 28 ) and I passed him while he was there a few weeks ago, I was hoping son didn't see him, but of course he did. We had a quick conversation about why he would move there, etc, son was not pleased. Son told me today he went by a couple of weeks ago, son always used to go that way to work instead of the highway before ah moved there. Anyway, ah saw my son on the road (cabin is right next to the road ) and ducked behind the door of his truck, like he did the first time when he saw us go by. My son is very angry about this., but I know he is really very badly hurt by his dad's actions. They have not seen each other in almost 4 years. I gave son the speech about how this man is not your dad, not the dad you used to know, but it didn't do much good. Of course, being so close to Christmas doesn't help. They used to be very close, I'm sure son never saw the addiction coming, and his dad never did say goodby. Just wondering if anyone might have some words of wisdom for me to pass on to my son. I know he's hurting, just trying to help him cope.

12-05-2007, 02:10 AM	#3 (permalink)
Ann Forum Leader Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: By The Lake Posts: 29,845	Please tell your son that this is not a reflection on him, but on the shame and embarrassment of his father. Your son is 28 years old, maybe going to some meetings might help him cope and understand. ACOA is good for children of addiction, as well as Alanon, Naranon or CoDA. Addiction affects the entire family and there is no way to stop it from being sad. Prayers for all of you. Hugs __________________ Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky. ~Tagore

12-05-2007, 08:40 AM	#4 (permalink)
laketime Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: on the lake Posts: 330	Introduce him to al-anon or at the very least this forum. He may be able to learn about addiction on his own. Sometimes they don't accept what us or other family members tell them, they must hear it somewhere else for it to be true. __________________ LAKETIME No Quacking Allowed

12-05-2007, 06:18 PM	#5 (permalink)
*greeteachday* Just Me Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: a better place Posts: 3,928	Sadly I think we can't control how our kids feel about circumstances any more than we can control addiction. I'm quite sure yoiu are right...his anger is simply his pain in disguise. Your words to him sound wonderful and caring, just as you are, but having expressed them, I think there is not much more to say. Your son will have to work through this on his own. Don't forget that aside from loosing their close bond, he is probably very upset about how you have been hurt. HUgs __________________ Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith - Margaret Shepherd

12-06-2007, 04:39 AM	#6 (permalink)
*hope213* Community Greeter Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: twilight zone,usa Posts: 3,879	our children suffer whn their parents are the users. let him know it is not his fault & that is really not his dad, it is the drug. iu am sorry you both are going thru this. prayers, __________________ hope213 i can sum life up in 3 words....IT GOES ON!!!

12-04-2007, 07:06 PM	#2 (permalink)
kj21 Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Okanagan BC Posts: 328	sorry no words of wisdom. My ABF has 2 sons from his first marriage. He has a terrible relationship with them! I don't know why, he just totally removed himself from them. He tries sometimes, but it is a half assed effort. I personally think it is because he is embaressed of who he is and what he has become. He can't face them! My sons dad did not come around or call either for a couple years after our divorce. I truly believe they just care too much about themselves and it hurts them to be around the kids, to see thier own kids eyes when they look at them with questions, or contempt. Just my two cents.

12-06-2007, 08:43 AM	#7 (permalink)
rahsue remember to breathe Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: philadelphia pa Posts: 1,266	he's 28, ask him what he would like to do or what kind of situation does he wish would happen. After hearing him answer you may come up with some wonderful mom thoughts.

12-06-2007, 08:48 AM	#8 (permalink)
caileesnana Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: dallas texas Posts: 1,629	thoughts and prayers for your son, susan

12-06-2007, 04:59 PM	#9 (permalink)
mjpaao Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: on top of the hill Posts: 197	Thank you everyone, you gave me many things to think about. Sometimes I wish I could kidnap my ah, and make him see what he has really done, but of course, it wouldn't change a thing. Besides, I don't want anyone coming after me with a frying pan, lol!!! I told my grand daughter the other day that this year we are going to have a great Christmas!! The last three have not been great, too many memories and too much sadness. I am DETERMINED to make this the best ever! And on that note, I hope everyone here has a wonderful holiday season. My prayers will be with you and your families when we're in church on Christmas Eve. My grand children are all going to be in a small play, since the youngest children are only 2, it should be very interesting!!

12-07-2007, 04:32 PM	#10 (permalink)
outonalimb Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Seeking Peace Posts: 1,345	(((((((((mjpaao)))))))))) Out of all the pain and sadness that I felt over losing my husband and marriage to addiction, the hardest, most heart-wrenching times have been when I looked at my son and saw the pain and confusion in his eyes. He didn't even have to say anything...it was just there. Oh man, it sure does hurt a mom's heart. We can't always protect them from the reality of addiction. Whenever I feel particularly helpless, I try to focus on what I CAN do...which is work on my recovery and show him, by example, that it IS possible to live a happy, peaceful life no matter what his dad might be doing. Think of all the wonderful examples you can show him about recovery in action. He's been watching you and learning and one day, when he is ready, he'll follow in your recovery footsteps. He's probably already started on this journey because we all know how big of a role anger can play in it. Its just another emotion to work thru...sometimes time and time again...until finally we can let it go. Your son will get there and he's blessed to have you show him the way. Big Sis told me once that God doesn't have any grandchildren and I really like this saying. Your son has his HP and he has a really loving, wonderful mom too. He's one lucky kid despite the unfortunate reality of addiction in his life. I hope your Christmas holiday is full of happiness and peace. You'll be in my prayers too my friend!! Hugs and prayers right back at ya!!!!!!!!!!:ghug __________________ Why not go out on a limb? That's where the fruit is. - Mark Twain We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. -E.M. Forster Last edited by outonalimb; 12-07-2007 at 04:48 PM.

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)