Buying the addict Christmas gifts
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
To answer 2nd part of your quest.
Whether I see my son or cut off visits has no effect on his addiction.
He is the one to cut the ties when he is active in drug use.
I see him for me. No matter his addiction, he is my son. I love him and
I want a relationship. I hate his lifestyle but he is not all bad. I see enough of the good to have a relationship.
Whether I see my son or cut off visits has no effect on his addiction.
He is the one to cut the ties when he is active in drug use.
I see him for me. No matter his addiction, he is my son. I love him and
I want a relationship. I hate his lifestyle but he is not all bad. I see enough of the good to have a relationship.
Last edited by Spiritual Seeker; 11-25-2007 at 05:59 PM. Reason: spelling
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
I've been wondering about this. My son is 17, living in an Oxord house, ready to come home in january. He wants a play station 2 and guitar hero. He has sold 2 or 3 game stations in the past 4 years. He says but mom i'm not using and I need something to do in my free time. he is planning on getting a job when he gets home and maybe taking a class at a local community college. On the plus side, he doesn't want the newest game system and said a use one would be fine. On the down side, I still have many expenses for his court costs and recovery. Any thoughts on this?
krhea
krhea
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: N. Conway NH
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by greeteachday 
I know that I can only do what I can do, no matter what a therapist says or others wisely tell me. If I can not live with myself by totally cutting off a relationship with my child, then it isn't going to work - no matter whether it may be "right."
I had to start very small as I learned to detach from my daughter...Small steps all the way. I also did not take kindly to a well meaning "friend" who never had addiction touch his life telling me what *I* should do. It was probably me, but it sounded all knowing and down right condescending and it took me quite awhile to work through the resentment I harbored. What helped me was the unconditional love and support I received from others who have walked in my shoes. They didn't tell me...they shared their experiences. I still had to learn along the way, but those stories helped me to keep moving forward and to take care of me.
I had to start very small as I learned to detach from my daughter...Small steps all the way. I also did not take kindly to a well meaning "friend" who never had addiction touch his life telling me what *I* should do. It was probably me, but it sounded all knowing and down right condescending and it took me quite awhile to work through the resentment I harbored. What helped me was the unconditional love and support I received from others who have walked in my shoes. They didn't tell me...they shared their experiences. I still had to learn along the way, but those stories helped me to keep moving forward and to take care of me.
I have a novel idea. I am not talking about enabling the addict. I am talking about supporting them though, especially when they ASK for help. We don't need humiliation and not every addict sells all their possessions for drugs, hangs out on street corners, or prostitutes themselves. If you knew me, you wouldn't think for a moment I was addicted to prescription meds. I own a home, I work every day. I am responsible. I pay my bills.
I realize we are all different and there's more than one approach to dealing with an addict. That's just it though. Tough love is ONE approach, but that doesn't mean it's the best approach in all situations. Cutting off one's family member because they have an addiction problem isn't really loving that person. It's getting them out of your life. By not giving a Christmas present to this young man, all that is saying is you are angry at them for being addicted. You are ashamed of them. You want them out of your life until they can get clean. You are rejecting them along with their addiction. Why not try support? Why not continue to talk to them about getting help? why not load them into your car and bring them to a detox center? Why not bring them to a suboxone doctor if they are addicted to opiates? Most addicts can't stop on their own. They need help. I wished for a year that someone, anyone, cared enough about me to force me into detox. Nobody did. I would have loved an intervention. Nobody bothered. Perhaps the OP has tried this with their son I don't know. I hope this poor guy has someone in his life that hasn't given up on him yet. That's what tough love/cutting off the addict is. You threw in the towel. You gave up. That usually doesn't get the addict into treatment. What does get them into treatment is loving them enough to keep trying. I don't think an Xbox is the best idea IF he is selling his possessions to get drugs. What would be the most loving gift would be a treatment program. Here's our gift to you. We will pay for you to (pick one depending on the circumstances)
see a suboxone doctor
get into rehab
go to Florida to the Summerhouse for 7 days
or similar
Talk about the best Christmas gift.
Just my perspective as a recovering addict.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Carrie, as a FFSA who is happens to be a recovering addict posting here I can tell you that I can only deal with so many promises from the addict in my life. I can only deal with so many promises. I can only deal with so many "look at how good I am, pat me on the back" statements.
Neither did she. There were years she functioned well at work, making the payments on everything. Of course, most people including her where not there when our cat found 24 pills left out and I had to get her to throw up the capsules as she was passing out. But noooo... no one ever knew she was abusing drugs...while they were trying to find out how to legally fire her for her poor work product. While they were asking me, behind her back, if I felt safe at home. After all, my mother thought she was functioning just fine. its not like she was selling her body or prostituting herself, right?
The majority of addicts do not want to go to a detox center. Clearly, when your doctor told you to detox, you were not too happy although he felt you were safe to detox at home. Instead you became angry that he refused you 'comfort meds'. Even the nice detox around here offer you, at best, catapress patches for opiate withdrawal.
You want someone to 'force' you into detox when you admitted you are willing? If you are so willing, walk down and sign yourself in. And guess what, most addicts do stop on their own or with the help of a program they chose to join.
I can reach out to be burned. I can reach out and out until I have no energy left for myself. No, sorry. I had enough of the 'functional' addict in my life.
You know what, it is loving that person. It is loving them enough to be able to say "I love you enough to realize I did not cause your addiction and I cannot cure your addiction. I love you enough to know you will pawn that Christmas gift, just as you pawned that bracelet my father gave you to give to me." It has nothing, less than nothing with being ashamed. It has everything to do with taking care of myself.
My grandfather died because he took care of my mother the last 10 years of his life. And guess who took care of him the last months of his life? It sure wasn't the functional addict.
I gave support until I had no more support to give.
If you ever have an addict in your family, perhaps you will see where I am coming from. I hope you never have to see it.
We don't need humiliation and not every addict sells all their possessions for drugs, hangs out on street corners, or prostitutes themselves. If you knew me, you wouldn't think for a moment I was addicted to prescription meds. I own a home, I work every day. I am responsible. I pay my bills.
Why not continue to talk to them about getting help? why not load them into your car and bring them to a detox center? Why not bring them to a suboxone doctor if they are addicted to opiates? Most addicts can't stop on their own. They need help. I wished for a year that someone, anyone, cared enough about me to force me into detox. Nobody did.
You want someone to 'force' you into detox when you admitted you are willing? If you are so willing, walk down and sign yourself in. And guess what, most addicts do stop on their own or with the help of a program they chose to join.
I can reach out to be burned. I can reach out and out until I have no energy left for myself. No, sorry. I had enough of the 'functional' addict in my life.
Cutting off one's family member because they have an addiction problem isn't really loving that person. It's getting them out of your life. By not giving a Christmas present to this young man, all that is saying is you are angry at them for being addicted. You are ashamed of them. You want them out of your life until they can get clean. You are rejecting them along with their addiction. Why not try support? Why not continue to talk to them about getting help?
My grandfather died because he took care of my mother the last 10 years of his life. And guess who took care of him the last months of his life? It sure wasn't the functional addict.
I gave support until I had no more support to give.
If you ever have an addict in your family, perhaps you will see where I am coming from. I hope you never have to see it.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by Carrie
Why doesn't an addict get that unconditional love and support? They don't deserve it because they have addiction issues? I don't mean you specifically greeteachday. I mean some of the others who take this tough love approach. Realistically, how often does that work? In the case of addiction, I am the addict. Tough love kept me out of treatment for a year. I started out taking opiates as prescribed for some very real health issues. My prescription drug use got out of control over the last year and I don't even know why. All of a sudden I was popping pills like candy. I became addicted to the meds. Whenever I tried to get help I was met with disdain from the people who I thought could help me. I was called an addict by my doctor. He shook his head while he said it, like I was the most pathetic person in the world. I went to him for help in getting off drugs. I expected him to say this is a health issue and help me with a taper plan and some supportive meds to help with the inevitable withdrawals. I didn't get that. I was told I got myself into this mess and would have to get myself out of it. I was told to just stop taking them. So I called a rehab center for help. Spoke to a counselor who talked down to me, as if I was a child caught smoking weed. I never went back. When I tried to tell my brothers I was having problems, they didn't even bother to respond. When I asked why I was told they didn't know how to respond so they thought it best to ignore the emails I sent to them.
I have a novel idea. I am not talking about enabling the addict. I am talking about supporting them though, especially when they ASK for help. We don't need humiliation and not every addict sells all their possessions for drugs, hangs out on street corners, or prostitutes themselves. If you knew me, you wouldn't think for a moment I was addicted to prescription meds. I own a home, I work every day. I am responsible. I pay my bills.
I have a novel idea. I am not talking about enabling the addict. I am talking about supporting them though, especially when they ASK for help. We don't need humiliation and not every addict sells all their possessions for drugs, hangs out on street corners, or prostitutes themselves. If you knew me, you wouldn't think for a moment I was addicted to prescription meds. I own a home, I work every day. I am responsible. I pay my bills.
I was finallyyyyy able to please EVERYONE!!!
But like drugs do then the horror story comes, and reality hits. It is very confusing, or it was for me.
But what I think you are missing, is 'most' of these people on this forum 'get that'.
None of them think, we did it on purpose, and they do have unconditional love, and of all people especially Greet.
Most of the people on here have been to hell and back with their addicts and the place they are at now is a form of tough love. Tough love does not mean they don't love their addicts unconditionally especially the Moms.
They are not talking about addicts who are coming to them asking for help.
They are not turning their back on any addict.
I have seen some of these people on this forum get so intertwined with their addict that they become the ones who end up suicidal, some of these people have lost their cars, houses, savings, dignity, friends, etc. over their addicts,
eventually they have to step back and take care of themselves,
It is not their responsibility to fix their addict but it is their responsibility to take care of themselves, if they let themselves fall to pieces they wouldn't be any good to themselves or anyone around them, and that is not fair to anyone.
You are talking about Your story, and judging them for theirs.
Cutting off one's family member because they have an addiction problem isn't really loving that person.
You have the right to your opinion, but to say that on this board is just wrong, and so very untrue.
You don't know these people and what they go through.
It's getting them out of your life. By not giving a Christmas present to this young man, all that is saying is you are angry at them for being addicted. You are ashamed of them. You want them out of your life until they can get clean. You are rejecting them along with their addiction.
So you expect everyone to go down with the addict. I'm sorry but I would never want my Mom to have to go through my addiction, and that is exactly why I did not tell her, the thought of her worrying about me, lying in bed thinking about me doing lines, not being able to stop, thinking about killing myself, I cannot imagine putting her through that. I know what it would do to my Mom, and I've seen what it does to these women watching their children go through it, you have no idea the pain they go through, at some point you have to draw your boundaries.
I will not be a part of my mom's drinking, and it's not because I'm ashamed of her, I can't handle it.
Why not try support? Why not continue to talk to them about getting help? why not load them into your car and bring them to a detox center? Why not bring them to a suboxone doctor if they are addicted to opiates? Most addicts can't stop on their own. They need help.
First of all you are jumping to a lot of conclusions by assuming that they haven't, second of all some of them are broke because of the money they have spent on rehabs, detox's, third, some of them just don't have the money.
If an addict is 'that desperate and wants to stop', he/she will find a way to stop.
They don't need someone taking them anywhere.
I wished for a year that someone, anyone, cared enough about me to force me into detox. Nobody did. I would have loved an intervention. Nobody bothered.
I would have loved one also, but that didn't happen, that has nothing to do with what these people here have done.
Perhaps the OP has tried this with their son I don't know. I hope this poor guy has someone in his life that hasn't given up on him yet. That's what tough love/cutting off the addict is. You threw in the towel. You gave up. That usually doesn't get the addict into treatment. What does get them into treatment is loving them enough to keep trying.
No one threw in the towel, and no one gave up.
I'm not sure why you keep throwing that around,
but if he 'didn't love him' do you think he'd be on
a recovery board asking for help and advice?
I think he'd say Screw Him, and not bother with him.
I don't think an Xbox is the best idea IF he is selling his possessions to get drugs. What would be the most loving gift would be a treatment program. Here's our gift to you. We will pay for you to (pick one depending on the circumstances)
see a suboxone doctor
get into rehab
go to Florida to the Summerhouse for 7 days
or similar
Talk about the best Christmas gift.
Are you offering to pay? Sounds like a great plan to me!
You talk about money as if it .. grows on a tree?
Just my perspective as a recovering addict.
I know you probably had good intentions when you wrote this post, but
before you come taking everyone's inventory so harshly I suggest you
get to know the people you are judging.
I am a recovering addict and have known most of these people for two
years and the rest of them since they have joined. Most of them come
from a very sincere place and are anything but ashamed of their addict.
It is already so painful for them to do what they need to do, but they do
the best they can. I credit this forum so much with my recovery they have
helped me in ways I can't explain with their "UNCONDITIONAL LOVE".
I have more "Moms" on this forum than I can count, when I need
something, or want to share or whatever, I don't even have to say it,
they somehow just know. If not I just ask, and believe me they come
running. :mock
They have been the best Moms, cheerleaders,
etc. I could ever ask for, so if they treat "me" like this, then I can only
imagine how they'd treat their own, when their own shows even a
glimpse of recovery in them.
Why don't you stay awhile and get to know them. :comfort
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Carrie I do see your point, I didn't ask to get addicted to meth, but I did.
I was finallyyyyy able to please EVERYONE!!!
But like drugs do then the horror story comes, and reality hits. It is very confusing, or it was for me.
But what I think you are missing, is 'most' of these people on this forum 'get that'.
None of them think, we did it on purpose, and they do have unconditional love, and of all people especially Greet.
Most of the people on here have been to hell and back with their addicts and the place they are at now is a form of tough love. Tough love does not mean they don't love their addicts unconditionally especially the Moms.
They are not talking about addicts who are coming to them asking for help.
They are not turning their back on any addict.
I have seen some of these people on this forum get so intertwined with their addict that they become the ones who end up suicidal, some of these people have lost their cars, houses, savings, dignity, friends, etc. over their addicts,
eventually they have to step back and take care of themselves,
It is not their responsibility to fix their addict but it is their responsibility to take care of themselves, if they let themselves fall to pieces they wouldn't be any good to themselves or anyone around them, and that is not fair to anyone.
You are talking about Your story, and judging them for theirs.
Thank you for your eloquent words. I came to SR for my addiction, and quickly learned I also needed help dealing with the addict in my life. I lost my home eventually to an addict who was functional for years. I lost possessions and blamed for them missing. I got to the point I was suicidal over taking care of my addict.
Carrie, you have not been in my position. I ask you to please read Done's words again. See that we are not hating the addict. We just need to take care of ourselves as well.
So you expect everyone to go down with the addict. I'm sorry but I would never want my Mom to have to go through my addiction, and that is exactly why I did not tell her, the thought of her worrying about me, lying in bed thinking about me doing lines, not being able to stop, thinking about killing myself, I cannot imagine putting her through that. I know what it would do to my Mom, and I've seen what it does to these women watching their children go through it, you have no idea the pain they go through, at some point you have to draw your boundaries.
I will not be a part of my mom's drinking, and it's not because I'm ashamed of her, I can't handle it.
Agreed. Until one has been through it all with their addict, one can't share ESH because they don't have the experience, strength and hope of dealing with an addict.
First of all you are jumping to a lot of conclusions by assuming that they haven't, second of all some of them are broke because of the money they have spent on rehabs, detox's, third, some of them just don't have the money.
If an addict is 'that desperate and wants to stop', he/she will find a way to stop.
They don't need someone taking them anywhere.
Agreed. My mother was offered a place at Betty Ford. Not through force, but through an aunt who was willing to empty out her retirement fund. My mother refused because it was over 100 miles away, and they didn't offer comfort meds.
No one threw in the towel, and no one gave up.
I'm not sure why you keep throwing that around,
but if he 'didn't love him' do you think he'd be on
a recovery board asking for help and advice?
This brought tears to my eyes. I've been accused my some in my life for limiting my contact with my mother. Yet, here I am seeking help and advice. Carrie, do you really think I don't care?
I was finallyyyyy able to please EVERYONE!!!
But like drugs do then the horror story comes, and reality hits. It is very confusing, or it was for me.
But what I think you are missing, is 'most' of these people on this forum 'get that'.
None of them think, we did it on purpose, and they do have unconditional love, and of all people especially Greet.
Most of the people on here have been to hell and back with their addicts and the place they are at now is a form of tough love. Tough love does not mean they don't love their addicts unconditionally especially the Moms.
They are not talking about addicts who are coming to them asking for help.
They are not turning their back on any addict.
I have seen some of these people on this forum get so intertwined with their addict that they become the ones who end up suicidal, some of these people have lost their cars, houses, savings, dignity, friends, etc. over their addicts,
eventually they have to step back and take care of themselves,
It is not their responsibility to fix their addict but it is their responsibility to take care of themselves, if they let themselves fall to pieces they wouldn't be any good to themselves or anyone around them, and that is not fair to anyone.
You are talking about Your story, and judging them for theirs.
Thank you for your eloquent words. I came to SR for my addiction, and quickly learned I also needed help dealing with the addict in my life. I lost my home eventually to an addict who was functional for years. I lost possessions and blamed for them missing. I got to the point I was suicidal over taking care of my addict.
Carrie, you have not been in my position. I ask you to please read Done's words again. See that we are not hating the addict. We just need to take care of ourselves as well.
So you expect everyone to go down with the addict. I'm sorry but I would never want my Mom to have to go through my addiction, and that is exactly why I did not tell her, the thought of her worrying about me, lying in bed thinking about me doing lines, not being able to stop, thinking about killing myself, I cannot imagine putting her through that. I know what it would do to my Mom, and I've seen what it does to these women watching their children go through it, you have no idea the pain they go through, at some point you have to draw your boundaries.
I will not be a part of my mom's drinking, and it's not because I'm ashamed of her, I can't handle it.
Agreed. Until one has been through it all with their addict, one can't share ESH because they don't have the experience, strength and hope of dealing with an addict.
First of all you are jumping to a lot of conclusions by assuming that they haven't, second of all some of them are broke because of the money they have spent on rehabs, detox's, third, some of them just don't have the money.
If an addict is 'that desperate and wants to stop', he/she will find a way to stop.
They don't need someone taking them anywhere.
Agreed. My mother was offered a place at Betty Ford. Not through force, but through an aunt who was willing to empty out her retirement fund. My mother refused because it was over 100 miles away, and they didn't offer comfort meds.
No one threw in the towel, and no one gave up.
I'm not sure why you keep throwing that around,
but if he 'didn't love him' do you think he'd be on
a recovery board asking for help and advice?
This brought tears to my eyes. I've been accused my some in my life for limiting my contact with my mother. Yet, here I am seeking help and advice. Carrie, do you really think I don't care?
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I am a mom of 2 addicts
I am an alcoholic
I am a spouse of a dry alcoholic
I am the daughter of a sober (26 years) alcoholic
None of us in any of those relationships "chose" addiction as a accessory. Most of us come to realize that addiction is inherited, like the tendency to get some cancers or diabetes or heart disease.
We who have been on the different sides know mostly about what DOESN'T work... bribes, pleading, promises, shunning, disdain, anger, rage.... on anyone's part.
I love those in my family who are still drinking and drugging - but I cannot live with active addiction in my home.
I asked each of my children to leave at different times. My son at age 18, my daughter at age 17.... two of the hardest nights in my life.
I did not ask them to leave in order to "get them sober". I asked them to leave so that I could still love them... the 'real' person that was tied up in the addiction. Because like a fire, it burned when it got too close...
No one .... NO ONE .... tries harder to quit using (alcohol, drugs, sex, food, gambling, whatever) than an addicted person. No one feels more shame. No one feels more regret.... and NO ONE feels more self-loathing.
But self-loathing and regret don't fix addiction any more than do disdain and disgust.
We are all in this together.... and most of those of us who love the addicts will find our behaviors mirror that of an addict.
We hide the problem... (Jimmy needs a drink to relax, Mary has such pain in her shoulder....)
We lie. (No, you can't have the car! I will never let you live here again! I will NEVER give you money again! I will NOT! You CAN'T! ....)
We hide. (Jim and I can't come to the bridge party, he has a terrible flu.... Susie is too sick for school today, can she make up the test tomorrow?)
We rationalize (He will quit when he gets the promotion... She will stop when she finds the right man... Maybe she won't drink this time)
We obsess (Will he call? What if he calls? What if he doesn't call? When he does call, I will give him a piece of my mind. Oh God, what if he can't call? What if he is lying broken in a ditch somewhere? What will I do if he is dead....?)
We have compulsive behaviors (Hi Marge? Is Jerry there? Have you seen him? Did he mention where he was going? Hi Joe's Bar? Is there a Jerry Bender there? Is this the hospital? Can you tell me if a white male, about 35 has been admitted? Hello, is this the jail? Do you have a Jerry Bender in custody?)
We and the addicts tell ourselves the same thing.... Never again. This is the last time. I will never do this again.
But we do it. Again. And again. And again. And....
Sometimes, we learn that we need to separate from the source of the pain... we need to keep our "Hands off the addict". That is the beginning of OUR recovery. That is how it works for us.
But we aren't so different from those we love... just two sides of the same coin.
I am an alcoholic
I am a spouse of a dry alcoholic
I am the daughter of a sober (26 years) alcoholic
None of us in any of those relationships "chose" addiction as a accessory. Most of us come to realize that addiction is inherited, like the tendency to get some cancers or diabetes or heart disease.
We who have been on the different sides know mostly about what DOESN'T work... bribes, pleading, promises, shunning, disdain, anger, rage.... on anyone's part.
I love those in my family who are still drinking and drugging - but I cannot live with active addiction in my home.
I asked each of my children to leave at different times. My son at age 18, my daughter at age 17.... two of the hardest nights in my life.
I did not ask them to leave in order to "get them sober". I asked them to leave so that I could still love them... the 'real' person that was tied up in the addiction. Because like a fire, it burned when it got too close...
No one .... NO ONE .... tries harder to quit using (alcohol, drugs, sex, food, gambling, whatever) than an addicted person. No one feels more shame. No one feels more regret.... and NO ONE feels more self-loathing.
But self-loathing and regret don't fix addiction any more than do disdain and disgust.
We are all in this together.... and most of those of us who love the addicts will find our behaviors mirror that of an addict.
We hide the problem... (Jimmy needs a drink to relax, Mary has such pain in her shoulder....)
We lie. (No, you can't have the car! I will never let you live here again! I will NEVER give you money again! I will NOT! You CAN'T! ....)
We hide. (Jim and I can't come to the bridge party, he has a terrible flu.... Susie is too sick for school today, can she make up the test tomorrow?)
We rationalize (He will quit when he gets the promotion... She will stop when she finds the right man... Maybe she won't drink this time)
We obsess (Will he call? What if he calls? What if he doesn't call? When he does call, I will give him a piece of my mind. Oh God, what if he can't call? What if he is lying broken in a ditch somewhere? What will I do if he is dead....?)
We have compulsive behaviors (Hi Marge? Is Jerry there? Have you seen him? Did he mention where he was going? Hi Joe's Bar? Is there a Jerry Bender there? Is this the hospital? Can you tell me if a white male, about 35 has been admitted? Hello, is this the jail? Do you have a Jerry Bender in custody?)
We and the addicts tell ourselves the same thing.... Never again. This is the last time. I will never do this again.
But we do it. Again. And again. And again. And....
Sometimes, we learn that we need to separate from the source of the pain... we need to keep our "Hands off the addict". That is the beginning of OUR recovery. That is how it works for us.
But we aren't so different from those we love... just two sides of the same coin.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
As the founder of this site once said, "We can love them right into their grave."
Returning to the topic of this thread, give from your heart and use your head and you'll probably do just fine. The addict will use or not use, regardless of what we give them, it's just up to us if we want to indirectly buy them their drug.
Socks. underwear, toiletries, food vouchers...pretty safe. I'd save the electronics for them to buy when they get that job and can pay for it. Why rob them of the opportunity to be able to do something for themselves.
Hugs
Returning to the topic of this thread, give from your heart and use your head and you'll probably do just fine. The addict will use or not use, regardless of what we give them, it's just up to us if we want to indirectly buy them their drug.
Socks. underwear, toiletries, food vouchers...pretty safe. I'd save the electronics for them to buy when they get that job and can pay for it. Why rob them of the opportunity to be able to do something for themselves.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
But would not the greatest love of all be the parent who encourages recovery by completely restricting the relationship with the addict child? Has anyone here been strong enough to try this strategy?
I keep thinking it's like telling him his behavior is okay...
We didn't post bail
We didn't visit in jail
We didn't go to court
We had them institutionalized
We helped them find free treatment and rehabs
We kicked them out and they lived on the streets
We let them go hungry
We made them walk everywhere and didn't give them rides
We let them go without clothes and shelter
We set limits on phone calls or changed the phone number
We didn't give money or gifts
We got restraining orders
We broke all contact
Some of them are in recovery, some are still active, and some are no longer with us.
We bailed them out of jail
We went to court and wrote letters to the judge
We paid for their lawyer
We paid for treatment and rehabs
We sat in hospital emergency rooms
We let them live with us
We fed them when they were hungry
We bought them clothes and gifts
We found them jobs
We helped them get cars
Some of them are in recovery, some are still active, and some are no longer with us.
I have not found a magic strategy that will cure our loved one's alcohol or drug addiction. I tried everything for years to find the cure for my son. I finally realized I was powerless over my son's addiction and recovery and I had to set boundaries to keep myself alive and sane. I found the right balance that works in my life. Some need to break contact completely. Others find a balance that allows contact. It's individual and there are no rules.
You have a very difficult situation. Your step son's grandparents are meeting his every need. Your wife is probably struggling with some codependent issues. It's very difficult being the mother of a young addict. It's normal to want to buy our children an Xbox 360 for Christmas. The changes we have to make are not "normal" and it takes time to learn about addiction and adjust our behavior accordingly. You probably want to find solutions for all involved and that puts you in a codependent role also. This is why they call addiction a family disease.
I found I knew nothing about addiction after joining the forum. I had to throw all my preconceived ideas and judgments out the window. I learned to let go of my son's recovery and learned to set boundaries that kept my life as sane as possible. I learned to treat my son with respect even though he was an addict. I learned ways of expressing my love and keeping my boundaries in place at the same time. I found a good balance that worked in my life. That may not work for everyone.
My son found a way to buy his drugs with or without an Xbox. My son remained an addict with or without an Xbox. My son hit bottom even though I bought him food and a jacket and shoes.
I can live with the choices I made. I hit bottom and had to save myself and set boundaries. Until then my codependency beat me to death. I would have given my life to save my son. I finally realized that not even that would save him from his addiction. We were both going under and I had to choose to save myself by letting go and swimming to shore. I threw him a life raft whenever I could. I couldn't make him get on it. He did finally reach out and yelled for help. He now has 8 months clean and sober. He gets all the credit for what he has accomplished.
There are lots of resources for family and friends. Al-anon, Nar-anon, and other groups. There are books and lots of reading on this forum. Take some time and learn all you can about addiction and find support so it doesn't tear your family apart. Hearing someone else tell us what we should do doesn't always work. Sometimes we do better making informed decisions. It's easier to make decisions when we know why we are making them.
Hugs,
MG
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
None of them think, we did it on purpose, and they do have unconditional love, and of all people especially Greet.
Most of the people on here have been to hell and back with their addicts and the place they are at now is a form of tough love. Tough love does not mean they don't love their addicts unconditionally especially the Moms.
Most of the people on here have been to hell and back with their addicts and the place they are at now is a form of tough love. Tough love does not mean they don't love their addicts unconditionally especially the Moms.
Thank you Done..The tears after reading your post were good ones.
Yes Carrie, I loved and supported her in every way possible...as I said, I could only do what I could do, and one thing I could never do was ask my daughter to leave. I supported every attempt she made to get clean and SR and Naranon helped me to learn not to enable. Maybe if I hadn't always been there she wouldn't be dead....I guess I will never know.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by Squeeealer
I am new here.
My 20-year old stepson is a drug addict. He lives at his grandparents house and they provide him with everything he needs or wants. He has no job and is not in school. His current situation is that he gets injured and receives prescription medicine. It's one injury after another and he will even damage a current injury to ensure it will not heal.
My wife has made some very significant steps in her relationship with him, but one of our major subjects of contention is gift giving.
She wants to buy him an Xbox 360. Not only am I totally against spending this kind of money on a drug addict, but I don't think it's appropriate to buy an active drug addict who is not seeking help any Christmas gifts. I keep thinking it's like telling him his behavior is okay... so I guess my idea is the exact opposite of hers - NO Christmas gifts for him. Not even cookies.
Do I have the right idea here or am I being mistakenly too strict?
Thank you!
My 20-year old stepson is a drug addict. He lives at his grandparents house and they provide him with everything he needs or wants. He has no job and is not in school. His current situation is that he gets injured and receives prescription medicine. It's one injury after another and he will even damage a current injury to ensure it will not heal.
My wife has made some very significant steps in her relationship with him, but one of our major subjects of contention is gift giving.
She wants to buy him an Xbox 360. Not only am I totally against spending this kind of money on a drug addict, but I don't think it's appropriate to buy an active drug addict who is not seeking help any Christmas gifts. I keep thinking it's like telling him his behavior is okay... so I guess my idea is the exact opposite of hers - NO Christmas gifts for him. Not even cookies.
Do I have the right idea here or am I being mistakenly too strict?
Thank you!
You could buy him a gift card here to almost any grocery store, I would have loved that. (Still would, I hate spending money on food, lol. But plastic, :mock I can spend plastic.)
Moms love to buy their kids food, or mine does. Maybe she would go for that, lol.
2 Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
******{greeteachday}}}}
Below is a post by Pernell. He posted it for me when I was so afraid that my actions would cause my son's death. It helped me accept that I do not have the power over life and death. Not even my own. I've seen mothers lose their children after tough love and I've seen mothers lose their children who didn't practice tough love. Each one asks if they could have done something differently. You made the choices you could live with and that's the best any of us can do. There are no black and white answers. Most of the time it's which is the worst of two evils? The choices we have are never good.
Lots of love and hugs and tears to all who have lost loved ones.
Below is a post by Pernell. He posted it for me when I was so afraid that my actions would cause my son's death. It helped me accept that I do not have the power over life and death. Not even my own. I've seen mothers lose their children after tough love and I've seen mothers lose their children who didn't practice tough love. Each one asks if they could have done something differently. You made the choices you could live with and that's the best any of us can do. There are no black and white answers. Most of the time it's which is the worst of two evils? The choices we have are never good.
Lots of love and hugs and tears to all who have lost loved ones.
First, I am going to make a statment that comes from the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous but before I do for those people who want to be proactive in another person's addiction no matter who that person may be "Acceptance". You must accept these truths as self-evident and prepare yourself as best you can. Here is the quote:
Chapter One
Who Is An Addict
Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We Know!! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another---the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death.
Can You Accept This?
MG, there is a power greater than you that gave you life. And the same power with your help gave your son life. That power is the deciding factor in life and death. Believe this death is a part of life, it is inevitable. You cannot save your own life, think about it. You can enjoy your life and you can help someone else to learn how to enjoy their life. "Life Is" and that is as good a description of life as you will find. The other side of that is "Life Is Not" and there you have death as we know it.
Denial and the way, you allow it to play on your feelings, emotions and good sense is what makes for co-addictive behavior as explained above. It is not easy but it is necessary for you to be a healthy human being, accept the things you cannot change and have the courage to change the things you can.
Chapter One
Who Is An Addict
Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We Know!! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another---the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death.
Can You Accept This?
MG, there is a power greater than you that gave you life. And the same power with your help gave your son life. That power is the deciding factor in life and death. Believe this death is a part of life, it is inevitable. You cannot save your own life, think about it. You can enjoy your life and you can help someone else to learn how to enjoy their life. "Life Is" and that is as good a description of life as you will find. The other side of that is "Life Is Not" and there you have death as we know it.
Denial and the way, you allow it to play on your feelings, emotions and good sense is what makes for co-addictive behavior as explained above. It is not easy but it is necessary for you to be a healthy human being, accept the things you cannot change and have the courage to change the things you can.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 1
Thank you
This my first time on this site, and as I sit here reading the posts with tears in my eyes from knowing I'm not alone in this, I just wanted to thank you for providing some insights into what has been keeping me awake for quite a while. My son's been through treatment, didn't finish, been kicked out of my ex-wife's house, been kicked out of my house, been accepted back, been kicked out again, and through it all, we, especially, the boy's mother, have been trying to get him straightened out. I've had more of a he'll-right-himself position all along, but it doesn't seem to matter which approach we take - he's back to using. Now we're on the same track, that of letting him go. And it absolutely kills me. I have a newborn in my new marriage and feel guilty of whatever joy I experience, knowing he, too, started out as a bundle of goodness, hope and potential. Anyway, I appreciate the suggestions on gift giving because I want to show love, but it seems to have to reflect a new, things-are-not-so-peachy-or-normal kind of love. I hope I'm not mistaken.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
DWI -
Thanks, hon.....you said everything I'm thinking (only you always say it better!)
Carrie - I, too, am a recovering addict. I am clean today, largely due to the people on THIS forum....they've shown me how to deal with whatever life throws me....without drugs. My family went through hell when I was active and they did offer me rehab, but I wasn't ready to quit. I didn't quit until they allowed me to suffer enough consequences that I decided I'd had enough.
squeeealer - sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread
I think you've gotten some really great advice above, and I'm glad you're here....keep posting.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Thanks, hon.....you said everything I'm thinking (only you always say it better!)
Carrie - I, too, am a recovering addict. I am clean today, largely due to the people on THIS forum....they've shown me how to deal with whatever life throws me....without drugs. My family went through hell when I was active and they did offer me rehab, but I wasn't ready to quit. I didn't quit until they allowed me to suffer enough consequences that I decided I'd had enough.
squeeealer - sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread
I think you've gotten some really great advice above, and I'm glad you're here....keep posting.Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
My son ISN'T an addict, but he is a teenage dunderhead (said with a smile and love). He's been given many expensive gifts over the years, playstations and mp3 players, that he didn't appreciate, traded away, treated like garbage, etc.
This year he's getting winter boots. He will only get practical gifts for the next few years until he grows up and stops taking things for granted.
Just so you all know that many parents deal with this issue - we want to spoil them, but it's not really in their best interests.
This year he's getting winter boots. He will only get practical gifts for the next few years until he grows up and stops taking things for granted.
Just so you all know that many parents deal with this issue - we want to spoil them, but it's not really in their best interests.
Im not crazy and neither am I
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: My place in (M)Assachusetts
Posts: 2,088
I googled a question about my recovery and this post is one of the hits that came up.
Id take the practical gifts myself, but love is the best gift they could give me.
I am so grateful to be clean and sober, to have a roof over my head and food in the refidgerator. My cat is happy and fed too !
I dont know if my family will ever come to see that I have changed my life. I hope they realize that I am sorry for all the dammage I have done over the years with my addictions. The people I hang out with now are in recovery. I love my new family here and in the halls.
A Peaceful Holiday Season to all !
Id take the practical gifts myself, but love is the best gift they could give me.
I am so grateful to be clean and sober, to have a roof over my head and food in the refidgerator. My cat is happy and fed too !
I dont know if my family will ever come to see that I have changed my life. I hope they realize that I am sorry for all the dammage I have done over the years with my addictions. The people I hang out with now are in recovery. I love my new family here and in the halls.
A Peaceful Holiday Season to all !
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by frstnm
I hope they realize that I am sorry for all the dammage I have done over the years with my addictions.
Best wishes in your recovery. Good holidays to all.
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