I found out yesterday my husband did cocaine

Old 11-13-2007, 11:48 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Hi Ruth,

I'm so glad you are here! My story is similar to yours. I fell in love with a recovered alcoholic (who wasn't really recovered). Then he eventually confessed to cocaine use. I was devastated!

One very important thing that I learned here - The Very Best Way for Me to Be Supportive of My Addict, Is To Take Care of Myself FIRST. Someone here had a great story about a hoolahoop. Imagine you've put a hoola hoop over your head until it reaches the ground. Now, look at everything that is in the hoola hoo. We can only change what's inside the hoop. It was a really good story!

Here's the cold reality - No amount of support from you will "make" him sober. No lack of support from you will "make" him an addict. His addiction and/or recovery is entirely his work. He says that he needs you in order to stay sober. Read the post "What Addicts Do" and stay with the forum here. You'll see that the best way for you to help is to allow him to be responsible for his own recovery. He's an adult. He can find meetings and remember when they take place. You've got your own emotional state to think about.

I've been on this rollercoaster for almost 4 years. We've done rehab-failed meetings-more rehab-and so on, and so on. Finally, after 4 years he's 19 days consistent with AA and the funny thing is that this is the first time he's found the meetings for himself, remembered to call his sponsor, and such.

Please remember to take care of yourself.
HUGS
Molly
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Old 09-28-2008, 09:23 PM
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Unhappy I know how you feel....

Hi Alessandraj. I have been married for 20 years and have just found out today that my husband is using cocaine. I knew that he used to use it before I married him, but I was absolutely sure that he left that behind him. Today while I was cleaning our room, I found cocaine paraphenalia in one of his drawers. He is travelling out of town, and I told him tonight on the phone what I had found. He made light of it, saying that it's no big deal... just like having a glass of wine or a drink. I have never used any kind of illegal drug, and have never been around people who do, so this is very hard for me. All this to say that you certainly are not alone. I asked him if he would stop doing it for me, and of course he said yes. I guess we'll see. I am having such a hard time seeing him in the same way that I saw him before today. I would never have believed it if I hadn't found it myself. I can hardly think of myself loving someone who can do that. My first thought was all the years I've wasted, and then not knowing what to do.
I think if I was younger, I'd leave... but maybe not.
It's so hard to know what to do.
If any of you have any insight you'd like to share, please do.
I could use another point of view.
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Old 11-07-2008, 07:22 PM
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I totally understand the pain. My son is using also...I do not know what to do but continue to pray.
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Old 11-07-2008, 09:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Afraid 2 let go View Post
So for a year I stayed on his butt, constant questioning him, talking to him, begging him to NEVER do this again, and for a year this worked. BUT, then he tells me....."Stop questioning me, it's not going to happen again, a year of this constant BS over my mistake last year is enough". NOW I realize that the reason he wanted the questions and nagging about it to stop is because he was ready to do it AGAIN, because when I stopped the questions and nagging 2 months ago.....HE WENT BACK!!
Jen - great observation. Same thing I experienced. When he was WANTING to get clean (which was all the time except when he was using...tongue in cheek) he asked me to remind him of the horrors and crapolla he put us BOTH through. When he was using and smug and confident - he pulled out that same reversal - GET OFF MY BUTT....sure nuff - using again or about to.

When he was sick from beginning w/d's , he was so ready to have support at first...and he would detox and BAM - fall back after he realized he didnt like being clean...the work was just beginning and he did not like the way it felt. All jumbled up and post acute withdrawal with a side dish of neurotransmitter chaos and concurrent depression.

Clean up from not just the drugs - but related damage almost seems too monumental a task - which is why baby steps seem so important...one day at a time or recovery becomes too big of a cake to eat - and its easier for the addict to give up on recovery.

So many times he said "drug test me" and he was using. He knew I probably would not insist on such a thing because either way - the trust issue would damage the fragile situation as it were. Somehow he had to take some responsibility for truthfulness - Im not his keeper nor his mother....too much damned work to pp test him when he should be accountable for his addictions.

But yeah - you can see all that enthusiasm for change when they know they will end up dead, institutionalized or jailed - its a cycle...and when they cant see that the actual addiction is not the problem - but whatever it is that makes them use - as they get clean...relapse is common. Quitting the plan seems easier. Breaking the promises start.

We always know.
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Old 11-10-2008, 09:28 AM
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I only found out my husband was a cocaine addict on August 28th of this year. Surprised the hell outta me!!

He has since been in rehab and has been clean since then ( OR, at least I'm pretty sure he's been truthful and clean...but ofcourse I'll never believe it 100%) He attends AA and CA meetings several times a week and found a sponsor!

Luckily for me, the day I found out, my husband agreed to go into rehab and we signed him up that very day.

Sounds to me, your husband is an addict and does need counseling/rehab. Sorry you are going through this. I never ever saw this being an issue in my life and still can't believe its reality.

Don't trust what your husband says right now, His addiction is making him do things he may not want to do, like steal money and lie. the addiction takes over the addicts life and controls them. question question question
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Old 11-10-2008, 09:34 AM
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There isn't much I can add to all the wisedom already written. Your husband is an addict, one who has been doing well in his recovery, but is now slipping.

Establish the boundries everyone mentions and take care of yourself as well. And while it's painful, watch the money, credit cards, bank accounts...etc.

Prayers for you and your family.
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Old 11-10-2008, 01:54 PM
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I know how you feel also. My husband's DOC is cocaine as well. I have been dealing with this way too long, and if you had asked me 3 years ago if he was still using in 3 years would you still be with him..i would have definatly said "absolutly not!!!"..yet here I am because I am such a codependent. I am afraid of the unknown, afraid to step into the fire, and be on my own....afraid of so many things..but deep down inside, I know what is best for me.
I hope, for everyone sake, your husband does what he needs to do to get help. He has a problem, and you did not sign up for this problem when you married him.
Please take the advise from the others and go to a naranon or alanon meeting...They really do help. It may take a while for you to absorb what they are saying in these meetings, but give it a chance. Naranon meetings are my saving grace.
I cant believe I am still here, right where I was 3 years ago, still dealing with the same BS ....the manipulation, the lies, the missing $$$$$. But I finally feel that I am starting to change..yes me. YOU cannot change your husband, and there is nothing you can do or say that will make him stop using. I learned this the hard way. But you can help yourself and change yourself in a very positive way which in turn will make you feel better and stronger. You can do this by going to meetings...you will meet some of the most wonderful people who will be able to identify with you and who have experienced everything you are experiencing.. there are some very wise people at these meetings who can share their own experiences with you and from that you will grow and learn, and have hope.
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Old 08-20-2009, 09:50 AM
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Last edited by tara77; 08-20-2009 at 10:06 AM.
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Old 08-20-2009, 10:49 AM
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This all sounds so farmiliar. I understand how awful cocaine is when your other half is addicted. It's a nasty drug which really changes their personality from a nice one to something horrifying.
Just the name of it makes me feel sick and the thought of it disgusts me.
However, this isn't enough to stop loving our partners.
I've always thought if he loved me he would stop. But this will never work.

Look after yourself first. Set bounderies like everyone here has said, and good luck.

~Limiya~
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Old 05-12-2012, 06:07 PM
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Hi my name is Liza
I been with my husband for 5 years married 4 before I meet him he used to do cocian but when he got with me he complitly stop yesterday he confect that he bieng doing coke for over 8 month it really hurt me I feel so devastated he goes to aa because he also had a achol problem but I decided that ima help him to try to quit doing coke this is so hard for me but I really hope u get tru this
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Old 05-12-2012, 06:14 PM
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Liza, welcome, I would suggest that you start your own thread, you will get many responses.
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Old 05-12-2012, 06:40 PM
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I would hide every bit of cash you have from him.
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Old 06-18-2013, 01:05 PM
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I found out my husband did coke 10 years and after begging me to stay and promising that he'd never do it again, I trusted him. Since that time, I have had another child with him and thought life was good. He's a good dad, good provider, and makes me feel like he loves me. With the exception of his periodic outings with the guys to watch a sporting event, I thought we were in a good solid place. However, I found out a couple of weeks ago that he confessed to Doing cocaine for the past two years. When I later went thru phone records and got his friends to spill their guts, he's probably been doing it for the past 8 years. I feel like he had totally lived a double life. It sickens me to know that my husband knows how to contact a drug dealer, knows the going rate for a certain amount of coke, etc.. I feel devastated. I have told him that I want a divorce but once again has started the begging routine and has made appts to marriage counselors, etc. I just don't know if I can do this again only to know I will be hurt again down the road. I just don't understand why he would want I do drugs. It doesn't make any sense. The counselor thinks he's bipolar. I have banned him from all of his friends, made him change his cell phone number, made him get off of Facebook, but with all of this, I continue to want to blame everyone else except him because if I truly place 100%of the blame on him. I don't think I will want Him. I honestly think me and my kids (7 and 13) will be fine by ourselves, but he will be a mess and I will have to continue picking up his pieces for my kids sake.
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