Just had/having a complete meltdown.

[happy33]

Thought I was doing so well today.

I couple of hours ago it just hit me, I started missing him. Really missing him. Then I had to go somewhere and on the way home I drove by his work (of course I shouldn't have done that, but couldn't stop myself as it's such a habit) and I saw his car. Apparently, that was enough to send me spiraling.

I can't stop crying and am even starting to think that being with an A is better than this.

[Mindy]

With me I am taking it one second at at time. I am waiting to hear from my opiate addicted daughter after throwing her out Monday AM. All I know is that she was trying to find someplace to stay tonight. She had called and asked for her cousins phone #. She wasn't freaking out like I thought she would be (you know lost without me) ha, ha. I feel like I am waiting to hear about a loved one going through a very risky surgery (which I have done quite a lot in my life). Very nerve wracking. Hang in there. I wish I had the profound words that a lot of these "long timers" have.

Linda

[tropikgal2]

No No no! Think about the total misery you were in!! Think about how you felt!! The human mind is a wonderful trickster; letting us only think of the good times and not the bad. I had a good friend who's husband was a terrible, abusive alcoholic. He committed suicide and after a while it was like she forgot about all the times he made her feel like sh*t, hitting her and calling her names. All she remembered was when he was sober and nice (few and far between, let me tell you!). It was pathetic, the way she ended up remembering him, like he was some kind of saint. Bah. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
YOu are better than being in misery. Breathe in breathe out. Hug yourself. Send yourself compassion and strength.
Here is a hug (((HAPPY)))

[ladyamalthea]

Are you really missing the way he made you feel though? Or are you just missing having a companion?

I cannot imagine missing the feelings an addict would envoke... so I'm assuming it's the latter of the two, which is normal...

Think about this: if you are this much attached to someone who treats you poorly, as all addicts do, imagine how much more attached you will be to someone who returns your thoughtfulness/ emotions/ care in a mature and responsible manner. Not only can you do better, but you DESERVE it too... and there is never any reason to settle for less than what you deserve in a relationship.

*hugs and prayers*

[Lobo]

Happy, I don't believe I know anything about you so I don't have any words of wisdom..........just some happy thoughts and prayers for you to overcome what you are missing........especially if it isn't good for you.

Hugs.........Lo

[mka1982]

I am going through this as well. I recently broke up with my addict, I miss him terribly and want nothing more to see him once again. I remind myself of all the pain he put me through. I do find though that after reminding myself of that, I still think to myself that he didn't mean to do any of that and that he will change. I have begun to carry around the Serenity Prayer with me, and whenever I feel the need to go and see him I pull it out and read it. I hope that you find something that will help you. You are too good to be put through such pain.

[raerae6]

It just takes time to get over any relationship. Keep thinking of the way you felt when he made you unhappy.

I know this doesn't help much now.

Hugs, Lisa

[HKAngel24]

Happy-

I wish I had more inspirational words of wisdom or a more courageous success story to speak of - but I have neither.

Somehow our brain is apt to filter out all the horrible drama and pain and to allow the sad, lonely feelings to seep through. I struggled with this a tremendous amount- feeling the pain and all the anger and resentment yet at the same time being swept away by these painfully consuming feelings of nostalgia and found myself longing for comfort from HIM specifically.

If it helps write down how horrible things were. I did this and reminded me of how terrible the drugs make him behave. I titled mine: The addict when he is on drugs... then I listed about three/four dozen individual descriptions of specifically WHAT he does while high, in active addiction - and all the ramifications of it. It helped me when I looked back snap me back into reality.
I think the majority of my self-loathing feelings stem from the fact that I stayed around too long and put up with behavior that was just plain unacceptable. In being dominated by the addict I lost respect for myself. Even taking the step forward to reclaim it after I had felt paralyzed for so long felt like jumping head first out of an airplane.

There is is this idea that a huge key to detachment is thinking with your MIND not from your heart. What occasionally helped me is reminding myself that feelings are NOT facts. Write a letter or a list to yourself when you feel bad about the way things are and reminding yourself of this pain.

Our addicts become so familiar to us- we want to believe more than anything in this world that they will change and that their love for us can be enough to change. That is and will be one of the hardest things for ME to accept- that his drug addiction has NOTHING to do with me or his lack of love for me. Still, I can say it outloud but I can't really "get" it deep within. As humans we are often so programmed to take responsibilty for that which is not ours and to feel blame when other's cannot take care of themselves or treat us right. WE must be doing something wrong.

I still love the hardware store analogy that I go back to time and time again- it's insane that we expect or even hope to get love, affection, attention and comfort from addicts - it's comparable to going to a hardware store and being upset that they do not sell bread.

Hang in there- you're coming to the right place and expressing yourself.

[frankly]

((happy))

It's OK. What you are feeling right now. It's all part of your healing process. It's part of a mourning process. You're not bad for having those feelings, those thoughts. It's OK. Just because you know what the best thing for you is, doesn't mean it's easy or pain free to accomplish it. It's important that you go through these feeling, express them, cry, and ease past them. The first time they hit you, it's like a ton of bricks. You feel like you are drowning in sorrow. Then you pull yourself togeather, go to a meeting, get on line and express those feelings, do something good for yourself and you move forward a little.

Each time you work through it all, it gets a little bit easier the next time, until one day you realize, it doesn't hurt so much.

Our brains are wonderful things, they sense when we can't handle any more pain so they throw up things like denial, good memories anything to help stop the pain. They allow us to experience that pain in little bits and peices so that we can process what has happened and deal with it. In waves.

You girlfriend, are on a wave of emotion. If you can hang on and get through it, the next wave will be easier and easier. Allow yourself to cry, don't bottle it up. Allow yourself to greive. Set yourself a time limit. I'll give myself 1 hour then I'm going to get up and do ________ for myself. Even if it's just a huge bubble bath. When it starts creeping in again, then allow yourself less time to greive before you do something else for yourself.

Hope some of that helps.
Hugs and Prayers
B