love

Old 07-18-2007, 06:23 AM
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love

I spent years rationalizing that I loved him, and therefore in the name of love I was going to stick it out, I was sure that if I loved enough, everything could be conquered.

Maybe its all those silly love songs we grew up with, where the singer talks about crying themselves to sleep over you, can't breath, can't live without your love. Maybe we tend to believe it all.

If you ask 1000 people their definition of love they will all give you a different answer, Therefore its useless to try and define what love is, but it's worth defining what love isn't. I cant really tell anyone what love is, what true love implies, but i can surely tell you, without a doubt or without worrying about being wrong WHAT LOVE ISN'T.

Love isn't waking up at night alone, worried, angry, disillusioned. It's not about being sad, hurt, offended, disrespected, lied to, cheated on, unfaithful to. Its not about you assuming all responsibilities in the relationships. Love isn't about crying every day, repentance, anger, shame, fear, anxiety, loneliness. I guess I cant tell or define what love is, But i certainly can tell everyone of you who is suffering over your addict, that you aren't suffering because you love him, even though I am sure we all love or loved our addict. We really suffer from trying to make love out of what love isn't.

Next time you rationalize that you can't leave the addict because you love them, try reviewing your concept of love, and if your concept of love is what your addict is giving you, then what are you complaining about, but if your concept of love is exactly the opposite of what you are getting, Then why are you sticking around. You will forcefully arrive at the only conclusion, which is you're not with him because of love, it's definitely because of some other underlying reason.

Try discovering that reason, face it and defeat it. If not you will find yourself in the driver's seat. driving as fast as you can, trying to get away from the person sitting in the back seat, which of course will always be there no matter how fast you drive. If your concept of love is what your addict is giving you, then you should be happy because you are getting what you want. If it isn't then it is time to do some soul searching until you can find someone willing to give you what you deserve,and to reject what you undoubtedly do not deserve.
Remember life isn't how or what we want, life is what it is, nothing more nothing less. Above all remember, that life isn't the hand of cards that are dealt to us,
life is the way we decide to play that hand. Again Life is all those things that happen to us that we didn't plan for.

written by Joey
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Old 07-18-2007, 08:31 AM
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Magnificent post, just.

My life got better by about a thousand-fold when I learned that love was under my control.

No, I can't stop loving him.
But yes, I can love from (GL takes nine steps to the left) over here.

And if he's abusing me and I just keep sticking around to take it, I can take steps to identify that maybe, as the singer Keb Mo says, "I don't know what it is, but That's Not Love"

It ain't you
No it ain't me
That's not the way
Love's supposed to be

And it's just no good
No it ain't right
For you to be sitting all alone
Crying every night

You're down on your knees
Scared he's gonna leave
But if you really wanna know
You're gonna have to let go

´Cause that's not love
Love don't feel that bad
That's not love
It don't feel that sad
No that's not love
'Cause you don't feel good inside
I don't know what it is
But that's not love

Love (really)
GiveLove
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Old 07-18-2007, 08:43 AM
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sixisournumber
 
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Originally Posted by just for today View Post
I spent years rationalizing that I loved him, and therefore in the name of love I was going to stick it out, I was sure that if I loved enough, everything could be conquered.

Maybe its all those silly love songs we grew up with, where the singer talks about crying themselves to sleep over you, can't breath, can't live without your love. Maybe we tend to believe it all.

If you ask 1000 people their definition of love they will all give you a different answer, Therefore its useless to try and define what love is, but it's worth defining what love isn't. I cant really tell anyone what love is, what true love implies, but i can surely tell you, without a doubt or without worrying about being wrong WHAT LOVE ISN'T.

Love isn't waking up at night alone, worried, angry, disillusioned. It's not about being sad, hurt, offended, disrespected, lied to, cheated on, unfaithful to. Its not about you assuming all responsibilities in the relationships. Love isn't about crying every day, repentance, anger, shame, fear, anxiety, loneliness. I guess I cant tell or define what love is, But i certainly can tell everyone of you who is suffering over your addict, that you aren't suffering because you love him, even though I am sure we all love or loved our addict. We really suffer from trying to make love out of what love isn't.

Next time you rationalize that you can't leave the addict because you love them, try reviewing your concept of love, and if your concept of love is what your addict is giving you, then what are you complaining about, but if your concept of love is exactly the opposite of what you are getting, Then why are you sticking around. You will forcefully arrive at the only conclusion, which is you're not with him because of love, it's definitely because of some other underlying reason.

Try discovering that reason, face it and defeat it. If not you will find yourself in the driver's seat. driving as fast as you can, trying to get away from the person sitting in the back seat, which of course will always be there no matter how fast you drive. If your concept of love is what your addict is giving you, then you should be happy because you are getting what you want. If it isn't then it is time to do some soul searching until you can find someone willing to give you what you deserve,and to reject what you undoubtedly do not deserve.
Remember life isn't how or what we want, life is what it is, nothing more nothing less. Above all remember, that life isn't the hand of cards that are dealt to us,
life is the way we decide to play that hand. Again Life is all those things that happen to us that we didn't plan for.

written by Joey
I have found myself in that 'hate/love' war with my fiance and father to our son who will be born in Feb 08. He is now incarcerated here of lately... this is my perfect chance to cut all ties as of now... my numbers have been changed and such... but I am waging a daily war of heart & mind whether to contact / not contact... My head tells me the FACTS (this is a problem that his family just informed me wages over 15 yrs of his life) and my heart screams... you love him when he's sober ( just remember when... he could....)... I could kick myself in the a$$ every time I bother to question walking away. I am a strong independent self sufficient person .... what am I thinking???
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Old 07-18-2007, 08:59 AM
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Six, that's my fight too, i do have no contact and i will tell you each day gets a little better .... i find i laugh more and cry less. It still KILLS ME but i have the same struggle as you...my mind is definately at a different place than my heart. Over time mind/heart will get closer in sync. Hang in there!
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Old 07-18-2007, 09:04 AM
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Where the body goes. . .the mind will soon follow. My old sponsor used to tell me this when telling me to "act as if". Act as if I was ok with the way things were and that I knew it was going to be ok. I did the best I could and now 3 1/2 yrs later, it's not a deal anymore! We're divorced, I've got a 3 yr old, he's in prison. . .Life is Good.
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Old 07-18-2007, 09:11 AM
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A tad harsh!!!! Whining and crying-I thought that was what us newbies were supposed to do on this site. Learn how to deal with an addict. I don't think by loving and caring about an addict is wrong. I thought the point was to talk, understand and make baby steps forward?
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Old 07-18-2007, 09:13 AM
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I misunderstand . . .what are you referring to as harsh?
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Old 07-18-2007, 09:15 AM
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Momsrainbow....It's not bad at all to whine and cry, lord knows i've been doing that, I think the thread was intended so we can also take a step back and love ourselves first and be happy with ourselves before giving all of us to someone who doesn't/can't give that back to us. I know for myself, my X took and took and i gave and gave and had no love for myself
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Old 07-18-2007, 09:39 AM
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Sorry, harsh-yep-believe so. Not a matter of accepting an addict-just the soul searching-been there done that. Just stuck a wrong nerve somehow., and not a good one. Ya'll have been here for a while. I am still trying to learn. LOL
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Old 07-18-2007, 09:54 AM
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just for today............thank you for your post.
Just last night I was on the phone with my sister in law who was telling me tho her brother is in treatment ( my AH) she has little hope for his recovery she says she doesnt feel hes working on his issues.....just avoiding reality for awhile...........and she asked me what I'm "waiting around for" and "how many chances will you give him"

I told her, I LOVE HIM and if theres a chance that things can get better and theres a chance that he can find and keep his recovery that I want to be with him because I LOVE HIM...........yet deep in my head I guess I know that loving him isnt enough to stay and I need to determine what I LOVE and is LOVE returned and what is fear and insecurity............the whole what if he finds recovery after I give up is still one of my biggest issues!!

Anyhow Thank you for your post !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 07-18-2007, 10:44 AM
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Originally Posted by just for today View Post
I spent years rationalizing that I loved him, and therefore in the name of love I was going to stick it out, I was sure that if I loved enough, everything could be conquered..............
........We really suffer from trying to make love out of what love isn't.
just for today,

Thanks for this post, it is so true. I don't know who joey is, but he/she is right on the money!

I spent 25 of my 50 years married to an addict, and now that I have had (basically) no contact with him for five months, and I have spent those months concentrating on myself instead of what I want him to do, it is honestly like a fog has lifted from my brain and I am starting to see the way things really were.....and my part in how they got that way.

It never was the fairy tale I so desperately wanted it to be. And love? I really don't think love had much to do with it at all.

Harsh? Possibly; but, at least for me, very true. The harsh part is realizing that I have lived a lie for the past 25 years and that I chose to do it.

(((hugs)))
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Old 07-18-2007, 11:02 AM
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And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.


That sure is the truth....one minute everything was great and the next POOF,
gone into thin air....better to find out now i guess.
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