here I am again....same song

[MyHeartMyLove]

I am still with my ABF. Jan, he was mostly MIA with his crack friends, mid Feb he came back home. I was a wreck, so co dependant and lived like a beaten puppy with his verbal and emotional abuse and his crack smoking in the house till mid March.
needless to say, I lost my job of 7 years because of my emotional state, uncontrolable crying - I didnt apply myself and put all my effort into trying to contol my home life........STUPID.
now July.......I am still with him - he still smokes at least 4 times a week - still belittles me, calls me names, etc.........and now that he has lost almost everything including my things.......he wants to quit crack - or "slow down".
I did get him to go to couples counceling - specializing in drug abuse - he says he is commited to going. but I sat this morning outside on the deck smoking a cig and I finally realized - I am in this alone - I am taking this all on voluntarily.

thoughts of leaving and going home to my hometown have crept up more and more in my head - I am lonley here -I have been lonley for so very long.
I daydream of finding someone one day who comes and hugs me just because they love me, brings me a flower he has picked himself, being told I look pretty, falling asleep in someones arms, having my hand held while crossing the street. etc.
These things I want. I dont think they are unreasonable -
Here with him, I have to ask for a kiss goodnight.
if he is using - I am banned to the upstairs livingroom to watch TV and sleep.
and any time I ask for affection I am greeted with " You really are the most insecure btch I have ever know".
I dont want to love him anymore. I dont understand why I keep trying and giving and loving someone who doesnt love me - or rather, who cant love because I am not crack.
All the horrible things he says to me - about me, about my character, about my past present and who I am screams - I HATE YOU.
Things when even "normal" can be crashed down with his suttle put downs.

Then there are the random times when he is silly, gives me hugs when I put my arms out - small not large tokens of affection from your partner.

I know that I have been broken down - that my self esteam is low.......because he wants it that way.
I looked in the mirror this morning after I showered and put on my clothes and makeup.
I am 38, 1/2 Japanese and 1/2 British (moms a blond ) I still look the same as I did at 28. by all acounts, I am still cute.

what is wrong with me!!! why cant I leave

[Wascally Wabbit]

Addicts that belittle are trying to gain control of your emotions. They have no control over anything in their lives, and are miserable inside. They found that if they berate you, your feelings are hurt, they are able to control you.

Decide whether or not you're going to be controlled by an addict, or stand up for yourself, be strong, set boundary lines and live a life that you're satisfied with.
So, stand your ground. Strong women are very attractive!! And if you still look 28, there's nothing stopping you!!

[hope213]

i bet you are a very pretty lady.addicts belittle there partner & try to bring them down when it comes to there self confidence because with out you he is nothing.if you stay & you will think you are nothing,they brain wash you. the longer you live with him the harder it is to leave. you deserve better. set your self some goals,set boundries.leave or stay is up to you.hugs & prayers,

[Kickass1]

Dear MyHeartMyLove,

Wow, when I read your post it's like what I am going through right now. My husband does the same as your husband along with berating me & there is very little affection. My husband is 10 yrs. older than me, he is 44 and I am 34 (young looking). I sleep on the couch while he sleeps on the bed. He doesn't kiss me and I have asked him why and he can only reply "I don't kiss anyone". We haven't been intimate in a year.

I just recently left my job for 7 years because we have decided to move down South. He said that this will give him an incentive to stop using and get a job. I have been supporting us and it has been very very hard.

Last year I had to have surgery and I was an outpatient. I remember that he came to pick me up but the nurses didn't let me leave just yet. He was very angry because he wanted to go and I kept telling him to relax, my goodness I was sick from the anesthesia. Well when the nurses helped me up to go to the bathroom I almost fainted. Jerk was angry w/me because it delayed me from leaving sooner. Well when we got home, it was because he wanted to go do his crap. No consideration for my feelings

Then there are the random times when he is silly, gives me hugs when I put my arms out - small not large tokens of affection from your partner.--Yes, my husband gives me hugs BUT when he wants money, Jerk...

I just have to say that there is 100% NOTHING wrong with you or me. I believe that we stay because we still believe that our husbands will change or there may be a slight chance that things will change and that we still love them.

Well this is my last chance because I am not only financially drained but emotionally and mentally.

MyHeartMyLove I wish you lots of love and happiness... Big hugs to you ((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))

[raerae6]

You can do better. No one should have to give and give and not receive in return.


Can’t get out of a bad relationship?
by Susan Anderson
Do you know someone who stays in a bad relationship? What hooks them? The standard answer is that they don’t feel good enough about themselves. They don’t feel they deserve better. Their have a low sense of entitlement.
While self esteem is certainly a factor, many of these people started out feeling much better about themselves than they do now.
Being constantly criticized, rejected, neglected, or abused eventually pays its toll. The low self-worth you see is not always the CAUSE of their being unable to leave, but the RESULT of having been treated this way. Once they feel low about themselves, they lose the strength to get out.
But there is more to it. They have become traumatically bonded.
A traumatic bond is created when pain is inflicted into the attachment. This bond is stronger (just like epoxy glue is stronger than rubber cement) than a non-traumatic bond. The more traumatic the bond, the harder to get out.
There are examples of this everywhere in nature and science. Researches found that when training a duck to “imprint” them, when they accidentally “stepped on the duck’s toe,” the duck imprinted them more than before. Science has conducted myriad experiments that demonstrate the power of “pain” to strengthen the bond. It’s the principle fraternities use in hazing where they humiliate or hurt their pledges to instill greater loyalty in them.
But there is still another factor which really cements people to the abuser. They get hooked by the “intermittent reinforcement.” The abuser, every once in a while, will give them what they need, i.e. “a pat on the arm” or saying “love you” or “bringing home a paycheck.” It’s intermittent.
If you ever studied classical conditioning (Pavlov’s dog and all of that), you may remember that if you want to “train” a rat to respond a certain way, rather than giving a steady reward (i.e. sugar pellet), give it only intermittently. Intermittent reinforcement is more powerful than steady reinforcement.
This explains the paradox of relationships. If your partner mistreats you in all kinds of emotional or physical ways, you run the risk of getting deeply hooked in.
You’d think it would work the other way – that if your partner made you feel secure, safe, and comfortable, you’d have a hard time leaving. But the irony is that many people feel freer to leave someone who has made them feel secure. Ever hear “nice guys finish last?”
But if they are made to feel chronically insecure, heart-sick, anxious, or hurt, they can get caught up in the drama of the abuse and locked into the dynamics of the relationship– especially if every once in a while, their partner gives them a little crumb of love – intermittent reinforcement.
If you are in a traumatic bond, you not only suffer from your partner’s criticism, blame, betrayal, unreliability, or neglect, but you suffer from beating yourself up for allowing it to happen.
You feel guilty for not being able to leave. Your friends may get fed up with you for being so stuck. Even your therapist loses patience. You feel judged. You feel weak. You feel ashamed of yourself.
Someone responding to the unhealthy relationship described in my last blog wrote:
<<<How many interviews have you seen– of abused women (some extremely so)?
"Why did you STAY?" comes the invariable question.
"Because I loved him," comes the equally invariable response.
Abuser tells Abused, "I love you," and these women continue to sell themselves out to hear the occasional utterance of three hollow words, meaning nothing to the abuser.>>>
I was happy to receive this message because it confirms the bind so many people are in. The more infrequently the “crumbs of love” are offered, the more hooked you are. You become conditioned, like a rat in the cage.

[HKAngel24]

So then how do you get out?!!?

[frankie_b]

How do you get out? You make a decision to change and get all the support you need. Attending Alanon/Naranon meetings, coming here, realizing others have been right where you are and have found their way out of the misery. Battered women's shelters offer counseling. There is no end of help available and competent therapists.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Be willing to get well, have courage to change..noone is holding you down but you. There is a way out and it takes your commitment and effort. You are worth it.

[anvilhead]

why do we stay? same reasons addicts keep using drugs long after the thrill is gone....that magical belief that maybe, just maybe this next time will be different. you keep hoping one day he'll wake up and realize how wonderful you are and magically transform into the man YOU want him to be.........but that only happens in fairy tales, not in real life. right or wrong, good or bad, he is who he is exactly and precisely in this moment.

you are martyring yourself for him.........all the horrd treatment you have to endure.......the miserably empty days you have to walk thru and the lonely nights you have to suffer thru.........EXCEPT you dont' HAVE to, you CHOOSE to. every extra minute, hour or day that you STAY right where you are, you are giving implied consent for it all to continue.

you can change it all at any time. you can walk away from all the misery you describe. if you can get to a computer, you can access a plethora of information and assistance that will help you. you are not held against your will...........you DO have the power to change this.......

[dixied]

well, all I can say is that I can't see any rewards staying with someone who beats you down psychologically all the time. And you are just wasting precious time "hoping" he will change. Please factor in that his brain has been altered and it will probably be YEARS before he will be straight in that department. So why subject yourself to this poor treatment? You deserve better and IMHO no one is going to banish me to another part of the house because HE is breaking the law in my own home. and yes, any way you slice it he is breaking the law. See if a friend won't help you get out. I hate knowing you are receiving this treatment.........dixie

[tropikgal2]

I agree with Dixied (and everyone, actually). You are brainwashed same as any prisoner-of-war. The difference is, you have a choice. You can pack your things RIGHT NOW and walk out that door, to the local women's shelter, or anywhere you have a safe haven. Then, you get up in the morning and see cops if you have property that needs rescued. Then, get a restraining order. If you have relatives who live away from that town that you can go stay with until you get back on your feet, do that
I am very sad for you and for KickAss1 too. You do not have to subject yourself to this and most importantly of all, YOU are the most important person in the world. You dont' need a man (or woman) to validate your existence. YOU can be your own best friend. I hope you get the help you need and get that jerk of a boyfriend (I am using that term very loosely and only because you did) out of your life FOREVER.
Life is short, dont' waste in the company of losers.
Hugs and Peace
Sandy