One step forward, one step back

[HKAngel24]

Hello all-

Much has been going on this week. I have begun working full-time in addition to taking two grueling summer classes that each last six weeks and whose intensity is nearly out of control. I am feeling overwhelmed and actually becoming nervous that I may allow the abf's behavior to jeporadize my sanity when I feel pushed to my limit.

Seems whenever I think I'm doing well, putting myself first, "Acting as if" etc. some turn of events occurs and I feel just as crazy and insane as I did weeks ago. Frustrating and discouraging.

I still find myself yearning for some validation from him, although I know it's completely ridiculous to expect an addict to give me what I need. As always, he is playing the "I am clean this time for real" card and I feel as though I slide in and out of super sleuth mode. I am not participating in the antics that I use to - the extent of the obsessing and worrying, but I still find myself returning there.
It's difficult to be patient with oneself as they begin to cycle through awareness and acceptance and than bounce back and forth between the two. It's as though I KNOW I need to put significant space between the two of us in order for me to significantly detach but it is as though my mind does not want to let go of old programming that I need his presence in my life, love, attention and validation to survive. It's as though subconciously I dupe myself into believing that maybe he can return to normalcy and maybe he is serious THIS time.

Last night after the long day I had, I came home and made dinner, worked on the computer for a bit. Then I went to bed and tried to read, but I kept becoming overwhelmed by the knots of anxiety in my stomach because I KNOW his behavior patterns. I KNOW that if he is not using he would have called by now and if he is doing something he does not want anyone to know about- he will not. I had to regulate the panic by talking to myself and it was not easy. Eventually I got to bed, but woke up half way through the night and talked to him where I eventually just broke down in tears and kept repeating how foolish I felt.
I keep hoping I am where I am suppose to be, even though it feels like uncertain terrain. I am slowly accepting the situation, but still holding on to alot.
Just wanted to write my thoughts.
Thanks for letting me share.

[Mavis]

Heather.. Your Red Flag's are flashing so much, I can barely stand it.

He has Cheated on you! (have you forgotten?)
He is an Addict!
You are not married to him!
You have no children!

What was it that you said to yourself one day that convinced yourself that he was as good as your going to get? What was it exactly you said to yourself when you came up with the conclusion that he's all you deserve?

My advice may not be what you need to hear. Give him the boot. His illness is preventing you from being a better person. It is sucking you in all over again.

Heather, you deserve so much more. Go get your prince on a horse because you can. YOU CAN!!!

[BigSis]

AAA

Awareness
Acceptance
Action


I see you are fully through the "awareness" stage - Yay!! And I hear you still struggling with "Acceptance". Which I think is why you are having trouble with the "action" part.

For me, the part in 12-step that talks about being "powerless" is trying to help me with "acceptance".... millions and millions of Anons and Addicts and Alcoholics have already discovered that they cannot control - people, places and things. They are "powerless" over them.

It took, for me, having personal experiences in that area in order for me to truly accept the powerlessness I have over addiction.

And I had to work on my fear... the fuel for all my attempts to control.

Reading the Alanon literature on fear and control helps. My favorite daily readers are "Hope for Today" and "Courage to Change". You can buy them online or at any meeting. Each of the daily readers has an index in the back by keyword - you can actually look up "fear", "control", "anger".... very helpful.

The other thing that helps me is hanging out with others who are walking this path - here and at meetings. I need to SEE this in action in order to believe it makes a difference. Even more so, sometimes I need to see someone not taking an action to help me accept that it is ok for me to go forward, even when I am not quite certain I am doing the right thing.

I hope this helps (((Heather)))

[RisingPhoenix]

Angel,

It gets better.

I promise.

Peace,
RP

[drainedwife]

I have to tell you that I am NOT in your shoes because I am married to my ah and we DO have kids...but I will tell you that if we werent married, and didnt have kids..the choice would be so easy...

I would run as fas away from the addict as i could possibly....it is only a road of destruction for you..you deserve so much better than this...you have to do this for yourself..you do not need him to survive...go get the life you deserve to have...
Of course you love him, and it will be painful, but you have a chance at a wonderful life, without addiciton...lok towards that light and somehow get there. you dont want to end up like me or anyone else, married to an addict with kids..its horrible.
You can do it..please grab on to others you are close to...family, friends, distant cousins, anyone....a naranon group..go to a therapist..get support, build up your self esteem, and LET GO OF THE ADDICT IN YOUR LIFE!!!! For your sake...please.

[raerae6]

Action is the antidote to worry-give yourself like 15 minutes to think about him and then do your homework or do some thing else. (i know it's not as easy as it sounds). Do some artwork...get a good book-"codependent no more" by Melody Beattie. Get rid of things that remind you of him-take his number out of your phone. I don't know your whole story, but I get the feeling that he is occupying space in your head that could be used for thinking about you and your own life. You can't control anything he is doing, don't stress on what he does, think about what you are doing-you can choose how you will react to your thoughts and feelings, like anything else, it takes practice. Hope this helps..

[Spiritual Seeker]

Reminds me of a Cheryl Crow song something like "the only thing you bring me is down" Stay focused on your own life you have amazing things going on.

[patchoulli]

I have had a few nites like that myself. I know that for me, getting on my Knees and talking it out with god helps...I'm not a nut, It works for me...well maybe a little bit of a nut. Marian

[Helene1]

Hey Heather:

I really just wanted to say 'hey' and let you know that I hear you... loud and clear. I am currently trying to move on and it sucks. Much like you, I think that my XABF has found a girl who will tolerate his using. I have a feeling that she gets ****** up with him and he doesn't have to defend himself against her. In fact, I think she is quite young. I don't even know what to say or think about that. Basically, it's the worst feeling in the world.

I go to therapy... it helps a lot. I would recommend it. You should employ all resources for this kind of an emotional crisis. In fact, your university might even offer something for a reduced price.

Take it easy on yourself. I know it's tough and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

[Elana]

Been there and done that.

Nothing changes so nothing changes.

You recognize the damage. You now have to decide to accept it and then detach from him so you can fix the damage he has done to you.

Hard work.. on top of working and summer (ouch!) classes!

[marle]

Heather, You will get there. You just have to believe that you will. Take care of yourself. Sounds like you may be feeling a little overwhelmed right now and that is not good for your recovery. When we are stressed or tired things just seem that much worse. Sending you some big hugs and prayers, Marle