on the anti-depressants

[oneeyeopen]

I doubt the anti-depressants are working yet, but I must say, when I saw the abf briefly this morning, after his latest binge, I felt like "whatever."

Not exactly not caring, but just more distant from it. In fact, during our brief conversation I didn't even bother to talk about it, he kept saying "I am going to fix this." and I was like "fine, by the way, I am applying for that job..."

This got me wondering, once I am on these meds, and not depressed anymore, how will I feel about him?

there are many reasons I hang on to him -- here are a couple:

the potential for his recovery (hope springs eternal)

my own fear of being alone

my low self-esteem that makes me think that no man will ever be interested in me

Well, those last two, maybe they are an outgrowth of my depression, and once that lifts, those things will not concern me, or at any rate they will not be so important that I am willing to put up with so much crap.

I keep wondering to myself -- how much of this situation is just colored by my depression. If I wasn't this way would I have even gotten myself into this situation? and would I have allowed it to go this far?

but it is funny, there is some part of me that already feels calmer. Perhaps it is just psychological, like I know I have taken this step and feel better just because of that, like I am getting a handle on things.

I just can't wait for the day when I can plan something, dream about something, and have it actually happen or have the potential of actually happening! I imagine myself having a relationship that can actually go somewhere rather than just around in the addiction cycle. Just think -- plan something and having it work out! that would be really really nice.

I hope I don't set my hopes too high on this medication. I would hate to mess around trying lots of different ones before one works. When I started having seizures I tried three different meds before one worked. I had seizures for over a year during that period. It felt like nothing was ever going to work and that I would just be stuck with the problem forever.

By the way, You are all a great, huge, big, enormous help! I appreciate every single posting and comment..can't thank you all enough.

[bluenena]

Don't get disouraged they'll kick in and you will find a you, you forgot existed.
Just keep your head up.

After reading the following part of your post, I have to ask how much of your depression is colored by this situation?

"I keep wondering to myself -- how much of this situation is just colored by my depression. If I wasn't this way would I have even gotten myself into this situation? and would I have allowed it to go this far?"

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, just keep going, you'll get there.

[marle]

People react differently on anti-depressants. Maybe you are one that feels improvement quickly. Or maybe it is a bit of the placebo effect. Either way if you feel better then that is great. Also many people stay in bad relationships because of the fear of no one ever loving them again. Usually that fear is unfounded. There are so many good people in this world and I bet when you are ready, you will find someone special. Until then I hope the medication continues to help your depression and you can start doing some really nice things just for you. Hugs, Marle

[anvilhead]

often just taking a few steps down the path of our own recovery brings rewards.....acknowledging that you need to take care of and doing something about that certainly has to uplifting, empowering and freeing. it may very well be that the better you get, the more your perception of your reality will change....annd you may find that what once seemed enough no longer is....in recovery we don a "new pair of glasses" - the way we view the world around us changes, as the fog of our own denial, our own muddled thinking lifts, many things will come into focus...take it slow, allow it to happen and keep talking about it!!!!

[marteen]

Whatever you feel, YOU will feel it. Give yourself time but when you feel comfortable, you will be able to do some thinking about where YOU want your life to go and what you are willing or not willing to tolerate.
Whatever you do, do it because of YOU, not because of him.

Hugs,

[hope213]

you will be ok.....hugs,

[cinderellawkids]

When I started taking my anti anxiety annti depressant med, they said it would be 6 weeks before I felt the full effect. # or 4 days in I was happy like walking on clouds happy like I hadnt been in years. The doctors office called to see if having any side effects. When I said its weird but I think its working already, she said that was not uncommon it just showed how deficient my seratonin levels were.
Sadly taht great feeling leveled off and in real stressful times the meds arent enough but over all they do definately take the edge of our addicts behaviors off, as long as you keep remembering their actions are about them and not you.
Good luck

[Palm Tree]

I was on anti-depressants while living with my ex drunkin hubby; he would blame everything on me and in return my self-esteem was so low that anti-depressants seemed right. I did take them for many years and I also drank with them which made matter much worse than they were; as I mixed anti-depressants and booze the effect/outcome was much worse than i ever expected; I became even more depressed and hooked on the darn things. Take anti-depressants if taken properly as perscribed, they help you sort out feelings and help you relax. be careful with them and please don't take any more than perscribed by your doctor.{{{{Hugs}}}

[Blackrose2756]

I have always believed that anti-depressants are not enough. I believe that we need counseling or something to help with the meds. I don't believe in a pill doing that great. I was on Prozac years ago (with counseling) & I felt great after a few months. Now, they just handed me a bunch of pills & said "have a nice day". None of them worked. I got tired of feeling like crap...so I confronted the place that gave me the pills. We are now trying 2 Wellbutrin a day & will see how that goes. They "promised" to stay on top of this. I had to call the "crisis" counselor 3 times & they all tell me that I need counseling. Someone to bounce ideas off of that is unbiased. Someone outside the addiction "mess". And I know they are right. I just have to convince my insurance.

Hang in there. For lots, it works great. And maybe with the bf you are to the point where "You Give a Damn's Busted". I know I got like that. It was like "whatever" & we had a FANTASTIC relationship before he relapsed. But 3 years of relapsing later, I was done. Even though I still have times I miss him.

Not him.....the man he WAS when he was in recovery. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Lynne

[cinderellawkids]

Thats a good point. Mine do not work at all if I ahve even one drink, instead my mood swings and depression is worse