anamaria

I have written here before, and come back when I'm hopeless or without answers. I'm scared for my husband who I caught using Coke about a year ago...he drinks heavily (3-6 glasses of tequila every night to every other night), and when he says he's stopped the above I find pain killers. He was remorseful, sorry, and sad for betraying me before with the coke and said he's done with it...however, he's snorting again. I woke up this morning to find him on the sofa with empty glasses and white powder all up inside his nose. He's mean about it now, lies about it, and denies...again he used to cry and be remorseful...He needs help and I know he has to want it. We live in a foreign country and I don't know of support groups where we live. There is a Rehab center, however. Also, he's confided in 2 coworkers of his...but work is like a different world...surprisingly perfect, everyone thinks we are the perfect excecutive's family. I'ts tearing me up b/c I'm afraid this is all going to kill him one day. I'm afraid our 2 and 3-year-olds will not have a Daddy around to grow up with. I'm sure this sounds familiar to some of you. This is why I'm writing.

Should I confide in the coworkers again (who are previous coke users...no longer using...that's why my husband confided in them)? or the Rehab center? He has told me he regrets telling them his situation and if I do talk with them (and I want them to talk with him, since he won't talk to me) he will be so mad.

What have you done?

rayofsunshine

Welcome back to SR anamaria. Sorry for what your going thru with your AH.
Addiction is progressive ... it gets worse over time. Be sure to read the "what
addicts do" sticky post at the top of this forum. Reading this was a good way for me to understand how an active addict thinks. Be sure to start protecting
your finances as addiction is progressive, so is the amount of $ spent on drugs. Take good care of yourself and the children. Keep reading and posting here. Theres so much encouragement from caring people who have
been through what you're going thru. Learn all you can about addiction. Knowing what you are up against is an important start. Sending prayers for you and for your AH.

cmc

Hi,
I know that you are scared, but there is nothing you can do to stop an addict from using. In Alanon I learned what is called The Three C's of Addiction. I did not Cause it, I cannot Control it, I cannot Cure it.

If he doesn't want to talk to coworkers that is his right.

What you can do is educate yourself, go to Alanon or Naranon meetings and try to find a better way to live. You have two kids to consider plus your own safety, financial security and physical well being.
These are things that you _do_ have control over.

Please read the sticky called "What Addicts Do" and I hope you will continue to come here and share.

Blackrose2756

Don't know what country you are in, but there are meetings almost every country. Does the Rehab Center have a family program? Cause that is what you need. He's obviously not ready to get help. And if he is "mean" about it, you better be careful who you talk to. Drugs, pills & booze are a bad combination. My ex got violent when he drank & this is a man who would have never laid a finger on me clean & sober. You need to take care of your children now. Yes, he might die. And yes, that is a hard thing to handle. But would you rather your children grew up to say....Daddy's an addict? I saw what living with an alcoholic & an addict did to my children. And I'm sorry I didn't leave their dad years before.

Lynne

ConcernedBigSis

Hello anamaria, I don't believe we've met before.

You can talk to whomever you want about your husband's addiction; but does it really matter? No amount of talking to ANYONE is going to make his stop unless HE wants to stop. There is nothing that you can do to help him or make him want to quit. By the sounds of things, with his denial, he is not yet ready to quit. When my husband denied his use it was merely so that he could continue to use and not feel so guilty about it because in his own little world he "wasn't using".

What you CAN do is start working on yourself. Taking care of you and your babies; they need at least one sane and stable parent. Perhaps also try setting some boundries(no drugs in the house or around the children) whatever you can live with, it doesn't have to be anything big. Detach from him, protect yourself financially(just in case) and focus on you and your children. Sadly, he's going to do what he wants to do and there's nothing that anyone can do about it. If talking made people get clean none of us would need to be here. Keep reading and keep posting. Glad to have met you, but sorry that you have a reason to be here.
Hugs,
CBS

anamaria

So you just left your Husband, Blackrose? I feel like I'm living in a dreamworld that it will get better,and he will be healthy again...I wonder if a life of my own with my 2 children would be better...

rose

I agree with the others, sadly addiction is a progressive disease and out of our control. I do beleive that his co-workers have already picked up on it, more so if they are recoverying addicts, they know the signs...no bluffing.

I know you want to help but the only help we can give is giving support when they reach out and give theirselves 100% to recovery, this bouncing around saying they are going to do this or that is only words and words are easy to use, recovery is work.

Take care of you and your children.

Rose

hope213

i am sorry for you & your husband.it is really rough living with an addict.please read all the sticky & keep coming here & work on you recovery.there is nothing you can do to make your husband stop, no matter what. all you can do is learn to take care of yourself & your kids.read the sticky at the top of the forum.it is only going to get worse beforew it gets better.it is all up to him.when HE gets ready to stop.hands off the addict. sending prayers for you & him.hugs,hope

anamaria

I don't know how to focus on me, b/c my days are worring about him....I try to get to the gym and release my stress, but it preocupies my mind and my heart. I wonder if he's stopping to get coke on his way home EVERY day and up at night using instead of working. Maybe it would be better to leave. We live a another country and it's hard to pack up and leave...I'm a stay at home Mom so I don't have my own income either.

Blackrose2756

I gave my husband 15 years to pull it together. 8 of which he was sober, but never got recovery. My ex...who is the love of my life. I've known him since he was 11. He walked back into my life 9 years ago. He'd gone down the wrong path, got clean & sober & worked hard at recovery....then he found me & asked me to share his new life with him. We were together about 4 years when he relapsed. I gave him 4 more years of chances, after the 1st relapse. And every time he got clean, I thought this time he'd make it. I finally had enough. He had progressed...used more, more violent....& I knew I couldn't take it anymore. So, I left & moved back 2,000 miles away. I've been gone a year & he's no closer to recovery. In fact, he's gone back to his old life. And it isn't easy. I still love him, but he's NOT the man I knew. The 2 times I've talked to him he's been cruel & mean. And I AM afraid he's going to die. But I was also afraid that he was going to destroy me before he did. And I couldn't go into the gutter with him. As hard as it is.....I had to leave. I can't fix him. I can't love him into recovery. And it's hard to accept. But you move on. And at least my children no longer live with addiction.

Lynne

Brownie

Hello anamaria - Your post subject caught my eye "I need to help him and I don't know how" - had just said that to myself about my AD - it was helpful reading the replys and hearing that looking after self comes first and for you your children too. So hard to leave out addicted loved ones to struggle on their own - Prayers and (((HUGS)))

teke

hi, glad to meet you, my husband and i both are recovering addicts and we do have kids, been married 21 yrs, most of which we've been seperated more than together, his addiction to crack/coke and his behavior was making me crazy, i had no choice but to leave, even though i know that recovery is possible. i've been clean and sober for a few yrs, but there was nothing that i could do or say that would make my husband want to get clean so i had to allow him to suffer the consequences of his own actions and step aside to that he could reach him bottom without me and the kids. i too am a stay at home mom, so i do know how hard your struggle is. sorry that this is happening. i tried to hard to stay with him and support him but as his addiction progressed i found that my life and sanity was in danger.

maybe you could talk to the rehab center to find out if there is any alanon or naranon group meetings for you to attend for you. maybe you can start to seperate yourself emotionally and financially at first, do something that you always wanted to do but didn't. find a hobby or anything that will keep your mind occupied so you won't have to do the obsessive thinking. your kids will be better as long as you are better, you have to think of them too. maybe if you can, put a little money aside, somewhere that he don't know about, just in case you need it one day. maybe time to work out a plan b for you and the kids too, you know, decide how you wished that your life could be, with him or without him and work towards that goal. you can live a better life, with him or without him but the choice is yours and it will take a lot of work on your part, take the focus completely off him and put it onto you and the kids. do whatever you have to do to make your life better and turn him over to your higher power and leave him to his own misery, he'll stop when his ready and not a minute sooner, no matter what you do or don't do. keep coming here and posting and reading, it can get better. keeping you and your family in my prayers.

anamaria

Tonite he came home late (8pm instead of 6) and could tell he'd been drinking (a dinner meeting which usually entails several tequilas). He turned on the music as loud as can be and started dancing with the kids. The kids were having fun with him and for a moment I enjoyed watching the 3 of them enjoy eachother...sounds twisted in a way to me b/c he was probably drunk. When I tried to take a picture of the 3 of them dancing, he told them not to look at me and said he was not going to contribute for my entertainment. I told him our son had an ear infection and to turn down the music a little and he told me as usual I was being a b**** and interfering. He walked to the kitchen guzzled from the Bacardi bottle. He was still mad at me from yesterday for being a b****...(I brought up his coke usage from Fri nite).
This is all a joke...I've recieved a lot of advice from this board saying I should go to meetings, find support groups....

My question is why should I waste my time going to meetings...I'm not the one with the problem, HE is, right? I'm up at night losing sleep writing on some board about my husband. I feel like I'm wasting my time.

After I put the kids to bed, he was gone...and of course I'm wondering if he's going for the big one tonite. Will I see him again...b/c he's pissed will he go crazy and overdose.
and another issue.......
I'm wondering WHO he's with. I'm wondering about him and his secretery.