Beloved ExBF Back on crack

[StarGazer6]

Okay.. sorry this is long but here it goes. A lot can happen in a day--unfortunately:-( I tried to call my ex the last couple of days just to see how he was, I didn't hear from him but last night while I was sleeping at about 11pm I heard a knock on my front door (no phone call) and guess who it was-- my ex--back on crack again. I knew it the second I opened the door, he acted so strange. It's really sad, he was doing so well too for the last month in recovery...he said he needed a place to crash away from his house and away from his parents' house too. He said that he couldn't go to his parents' b/c he skipped his meeting last night --and the one the other day I think too. Anyway, he said he'd been up for days, since Monday and said he couldn't sleep- b/c of his finances and stress, didn't mention crack though.

I let him into my apartment and he kept standing up when we were laying down together -I hadn't seen him since before he went to rehab and I just wanted to hold him-- I've never smoked crack but he was a wreck and it seemed like he was scared, he was twitchy and kept going in and out of consciencousness when we were laying down. His mannerisms were so off, bad timing and unassertive. Last night he was nothing like the man I used to know. I told him I talked to his mom cause his phone was disconnected and I didn't know how to get a hold of him and when I started talking about her and how happy she was with how well he was doing, or at least she thought, he started crying. I put him to sleep on my couch and I slept in my bedroom but I probably only got about 5 hours of sleep last night.

Does this ever happen to anyone? When he came over, I got cold and shaky, I think it was his nervous energy rubbing off on me, I felt that way the last time (and first time) I saw him and he was on crack. When I said something that was sort of funny he kept overly laughing...weird. I feel so bad for him, he came so far and now this. This morning I had him leave when I left for work, I wasn't sure if he would steal anything (i.e. sell my big t.v. for crack for $10- I've heard of people saying that on here) While I made him some breakfast and a care package, I calmly and casually asked him "So what do think made you relapse?" And he said "I didn't relapse. This is about money and my finances NOT about drugs" I told him that I knew he was on drugs last night and he started biting my head off after I was telling him that everything would be much easier to handle if he didn't cloud his head with that stuff. I told him he sounded so great last week on the phone. He's so volatile now..sweet one second and aggressive the next.

Anyway, he really thinks that he's fooling me.. I was with him for 5 years..I knew him better than anybody. He started to downplay his drug use and sort of admitted to it. I don't know if he's completely done with his recovery..I told him to just put it behind him and keep up with his recovery.. a lot easier said than done- I know! I was just trying to let him know, like I did last night, that so many people care about him and are supporting him through this and its okay to mess up as long as he keeps on trying to get better. I'm afraid that he's going to give up...since he's let himself down and probably thinks no one is going to love him anymore. I can't be with him as his gf but I love him and he still has a huge support system of family and friends. By the way, my job isn't going anywhere now, my boss has been kind of a wreck so that turned out to be a scare but I will probably still move back to Orange County soon. This week I've been feeling lonely and like it's been hard turning my life around but after seeing him last night, it finalized in my head that I've done the right thing with my life and thank god I'm not doing crack ad getting sucked down with him, how scary!

It sucks to be in a position where I want to be there for him but he said that things have just gotten worse for him, gangsters (could be paranoia) and more debt..and more crack. I know I've heard it on here from someone saying how crack addicts can be as sweet as pie when they need somewhere to crash but then the next morning they can be nasty and rude after they've rested and don't feel so vulnerable. He is in such a frightening and lonely place but he chose to be around the people that have dragged him down and I'm scared to get too close to him, I can't be for my own safety. Thanks for any input/advice today, it's appreciated. Anyway, I guess this is what I needed to keep myself on track b/c I know that the alternative will lead to nothing.

[parentrecovers]

it's very difficult to watch and be around. active addicts put their addiction before everything else. and there is really nothing we can do to stop that. please take good care of yourself - your emotional being as well as your safety. blessings, k

[teke]

glad to hear that you are planning to follow through on your set plans, your boyfriend is also doing what addicts do, and it may be harder for him to get himself together as long as he knows that he have people who will help him when he has his back up against the wall but i'm praying that he still finds his way soon

i also think that maybe its not the people that he's hanging around thats dragging him down, he's making the decisions to hang around them, he's dragging himself down using his own choices. sorry don't mean to be harsh here, i care so much and i don't like one bit, what addiction is doing to people. still praying for ya

[marle]

Whenever I was around my daughter and she was high, I always knew. I would just get this icky feeling that is hard to describe. She, of course, would always deny it, so I don't bother anymore. I just stay away from her and the few times I have seen her, she has not been high. I am sorry that you are going through this, but he will be done when he is done and not a moment before. Take care of yourself and let him deal with the addiction and whether he wants recovery himself. Hugs, Marle

[Blackrose2756]

Yep, I've had it happen many times. Sweet as pie when he needed to crash or wanted beer to bring him down. In the morning, when there were no more drugs & he didn't want to hear my "crap", he got angry. What kind of "recovery" was it....rehab, meetings, sponsor..... Doesn't sound like much of a recovery. I consider "recovery" at least six months. Recovery is "changing the way you act"..."turning your life around"..."making amends to those you've hurt". I think we throw around "recovery" to easily. When you are devoted to "recovery" you will do ANYTHING NOT to use. Sorry to say, it sounds like you were a place to crash & he isn't really devoted to recovery. They all cry, whine & moan. And say without us what's the point. It's a bunch of bs. Seems like he's still got his back-up plans in place. I know you love him...but as you saw last night...IT'S NOT HIM ANYMORE!!!! That is what you have to get into your head. And it is the hardest thing to do.

Lynne

[StarGazer6]

It IS an icky feeling watching them on crack...I felt like I was tweaking with him cause we used to be so in tune with each other.
Teke-- you're probably right that as long as people ARE helping him, he won't hit bottom, which will make it take longer for him to truly be sick of his life with crack.
Blackrose- my understanding of his rehab (not recovery I guess from what I've heard--I'm pretty new here so I don't have all the correct lingo but I appreciate learning) was that he went through the detox from Vicodin and oxy's and crack, and then a few days later (about a month ago) he was attending meetings twice/week up until last week and I believe he was on Xanex a little bit- I don't know if the doctor gave it to him, he's also been on Wellbutrin for his manic depression and for the crack addiction. I don't think he has a sponsor. He was getting drug tested too until last week. Last week he was even apologizing for the pain he's caused me. I had hope...

I do know that he did go back to living in his house he owns where he did tons of drugs even though he said he was going to leave and stay with his folks til he got another place. He didn't change his environment and he hangs out with a bunch of people now who do meth, speed and crack; for the last several months he's been around people into those types of drugs.

Sadly, I know that the person I used to know who was always considerate of others and sharp and witty is fading away...I saw a glimmer of that person the last couple of weeks but he's gone again...at least for now..

[HKAngel24]

That voliateness is ususally (in my experience) an indication that they are using and their backlash when you mention something, even casually, tends to be completely over the top.
I, too, have been in that situation quite recently, but I am learning that you can love someone to death and they can have an entourage of supporters, but if THEY don't LOVE themselves than nothing much else matters.

I, too, have always been in tune with my abf. We use to be so connected and it was wonderful, but someone who is addicted to drugs, does not have the capacity to hold a relationship like that. That alone is ridiculously hard for me to accept.
I have been disillusioned to believe I love my abf well.
Now I know I can't.
This acceptance and detachment is hard as heck for me.

I have also found myself clinging onto hope. My mind in obvious denial, erasing all the painful moments (quite too many) the moment I am met with even the slightest glimpse of his "old self." I use to hang onto that hope. That hope I eventually realized was bringing me down. I put so much energy into hoping- structuring my concept of my future and my life and my happiness around this hope that I had no power to control.

My abf also use to tell me stories. Stories. Stories. Stories. He told me he was clean but that he doc has prescribed him Ativan hence why he was slurring his words before 8AM in the morning. Just doesn't make sense. Seems they will talk up whatever it is they think (in their off-balanced minds) will "seem" believeable when it is a completely off the wall excuse to begin with. It's so hard to see the truth sometimes- especially when it leaves you in so much pain.

You are in my thoughts. Believe in your strength.

[hope213]

i am sure i do not have to tell you but there is nothing you can do to keep him clean.it is sad. i have been through this so many times with my son. they will deney getting high till they get into trouble. i will say a prayer for him & you & his mom.i am sorry he is doing this again. hugs,

[StarGazer6]

I appreciate everyone's wisdom and advice, thanks for caring.

HKAngel24- your words always seem to hit me hard b/c you are so much like me right now with everything you're battling. Should I stay or should I go stuff- it's torture..but now I know the answer. This time that he was in rehab was not meant to get him better, maybe next time when he goes in voluntarily..but we'll see. I just can't watch this anymore. My life is MY life now. His decisions have affected our future and have caused us to not make it, we were history the day that he decided to smoke crack. I try so hard to understand what he must be thinking but I don't think it will do any good. His mind isn't rational right now, at least to me. Poor thing...but I'm scared too. I wonder if I'll ever completely let go, even when I've moved on. He was such a wonderful person and was a blessing in my life.

[Blackrose2756]

He detoxed. It doesn't sound like rehab. Rehab helps you to learn how to live life without drugs. They give you "tools" to use. One of the biggies is to "change your playmates & your playgrounds". If he's hanging with druggie friends....I'm not surprised. What was hard for me was the look in my ex's eyes. When he was clean & sober he had a "light" in his eyes. You could see the love. You could see joy. You could see happiness. He was "enjoying" life & it was in everything he did. I truly believe he was my "soul mate". We were so connected & loving him was SO easy. In fact, we used to say that we were God's gift to each other for a second chance at a good life. When he did crack...there was NOTHING in his eyes. Just darkness. The man I loved was gone. He had NO expression...nothing. Just darkness & emptyness. We've been 2,000 miles apart for over a year now. And I still have days I miss the man I loved & wished he'd come back.

But I also know I can't live that life anymore.