need opinions please

[lostparent]

Well I got a call from one of those check cashing places, asking about checks that we didn't write. Seems Ad took some of our checks an her sisters she wrote cecks an signed her dads an sisters name they were 3 of ours totaling $250 in all an 5 of her sisters totaling $450 . Ad only cashed one her ADB cashed 3 an two other friends of theirs cashed the other ones. From what we were told we could have them arrested....Question should we call the cops, I know Ad an her boyfriend would go to jail because they are on probabtion. Or should we say to AD either you go to rehab or you an your friends go to jail? That is if her sister will agree she's at work an don't know what has happened yet. She might press charges anyway, but I think I can talk her out of it...not sure..
Would like some ideas would it better to have them all charged with check fraud or hold it over her head to force rehab? Help I don't know what to do.. as much as I'd love to see ADB back in jail I want to do what is best for AD.

Thanks in advance for any ideas.

[mooselips]

lostparent,
IMO, I would turn them all in, somewhere along the line, they have to pay the consequences for their actions. I know in the past, I've hesitated because it involved one of my sons, but not anymore, they steal from me, I will call the authorities. Consider it a boundary she crossed.

Hugs to you, it's all so darn hard...

[lostparent]

Thanks ......an yes it is "so darn hard" makes me want to crawl in a hole an hide..

[marle]

I agree with Moose. If my daughter stole from me, I would turn her in. She broke the law. Let the courts decide what her punishment should be. Even if she agreed to go to rehab, she could leave and then you would be in the same position you are in now. I know that it is hard, but remember these are the actions of addicts. Hugs, Marle

[lostparent]

Thanks ....I know you guys are most likely right...It's just this is so damn hard..I know it sounds stupid, but I don't want her to hate me.. Thanks Again

[lostparent]

Just want to say I know you guys love your kids as much as I love mine..so I know you understand how I feel...that's why I come here because you are or have been where I'm at an you know how much it hurts...Thanks again

[Barbdee]

AS did that to me last year, but he wasn't aware of how close attention I paid to my bank accounts. I called the bank the next day, they admitted it wasn't my signature on the check and removed it from my account.
As soon as I realized AS forged the check, I made him go into the bank, tell them he stole from them/me and pay them back. He did NOT learn his lesson, though...continued writing bad checks of his own, for several months.
Now that he is recovering, I just had to pay $1000 to a collection agency to cover all those bad checks.
I thought about calling the police when he did it to me, but I'm glad now that I didn't. He's clean and trying to get his life back together, but can't get a job because of a DUI from 2003. If I had called the police, he would have forgery on his record too. That would have made it even harder on him now trying to find a job.
So basically, I have no answers for you, just my story and how it ended. We can never know for sure if our decisions our correct. I try to follow my instincts and HP, if possible. And I find it always good to "sleep on it" for any serious decision.
Hugs!

[lostparent]

Thanks for sharing yoour story..Our daughter wrote bad checks from her own account last year when she was on a crack binge, most of which we covered for her. Also she is on probation for dui an possission. We have helped her alot an let alot go in the past, she has never been to rehab that's why I thought of well guess you could call it "blackmailing" her to make her go. She is also 9 weeks pregnant I forgot that part.

[choosey]

Hello!

I'm new to this forum, but not to addiction and the insanity of it all. IMHO, whatever you choose to do, do it without regret. Set your boundary and make a decision that you will own no matter what opinions come your way.

Often, we allow loved ones to treat us horribly and we end up being volunteers rather than victims......it's a self-esteem issue I believe. When I set my boundaries, I ask if I would permit anyone to treat me this way and, if the answer is no, then I respond as if the offender was the stranger that she is anyway.

Take care,

Choosey

[lostparent]

Thanks makes me think.... an the answer is NO I would never allow a stranger to treat us this way.

[Sunflower]

OK---I did it--not for stealing but for something else--if my AS would have done that--yes I would turn him in....I did have my son arrested and he went to jail--only for a week until trial date--then I made a deal with the judge that my AS would go into inpatient rehab followed by out patient-followed by a year of testing weekly for any substances--for a year--it worked so far...if he is stupid enough now to not follow the rules he will go to jail for 2 years---that will not be my fault but his........sorry you have to go through this.....

[marle]

The fact that your daughter is pregnant may well be a good reason to turn her in. The courts may offer her rehab until the baby is born. That way, at least the baby would not be exposed to more drugs. She would get a chance to get her head together. If she continues to use and she is pregnant what could be the consequences for the baby. Just a thought. Marle

[notsleepingwell]

I have called police on my daughter...and at this stage of the addiction...wouldn't hesitate.....and I think above advice is good...if you insist she go to rehab...she can leave...but if the court mandates it...no choice.......

I know how hard it is....you don't want to affect their future....tough call !!!!

But if you don't do this....perhaps things will get worse.....there are supposed to be consequences right?

[BigSis]

What would you do if it was the BF and NOT your daughter? Or one of the friends? Or my kid (and you didn't know her or me)?

Wouldn't you turn them in with the thought not of revenge... but one of "this may be the thing that gets them well."?

I think the consequences NOW will be less than the consequences LATER.

Do what you can live with... and know you are in my prayers.

(((Lostparent)))

[pjbs55]

Lostparent,
I could have written this post about 1 1/2 years ago. It is hard thing to do, but you have to do what is best for you and your daughter will do what is best for her. I filed charges against my son and his exgf. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I am glad I did it, but also miss my son since now I don't see him. I feel it is his loss not mine. You can force your daughter into rehab, but you can not force her to stay clean. She has to want it!!!!!
I know you will make the right choice for you, turn it over to your HP, he will guide you on this.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers

[lostparent]

If it was just the Bf or a stranger I would have already been on the phone finding out how to get the arrested your right I would want revenge an most likely I'd be telling people that maybe it would help them in the long run...
so I see your point. As for her being pregnant yes makes it worse I think...she also has a 4 yr old that lives with us that I have to think about...an he has lived here all his life.. the thought of making her mad an her taking him away scares me to death... Yet I know in the long run she has to get better before she can be any kind of mother to him.....Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this an your prayers..

[Barbdee]

Originally Posted by lostparent

As for her being pregnant yes makes it worse I think...she also has a 4 yr old that lives with us that I have to think about...an he has lived here all his life.. the thought of making her mad an her taking him away scares me to death... Yet I know in the long run she has to get better before she can be any kind of mother to him.....Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this an your prayers..

That info makes a big diff. I know I'm disagreeing with all the wise ones here, but I would not call the police. Once she gets her head on straight, or "if" she gets her head on straight, let her deal with the police record she has made herself, not one to which you have contributed. And the kids make a big difference. Then their "mom" becomes a felon, assuming she is not now. I'm SO glad I didn't go that route.
You have to decide for yourself, you've gotten both viewpoints here, mine being in the minority.

[Brownie]

Hi lostparent! So glad you shared your story. You have some hard decisions to make. It is soooo difficult being a parent especially when your children are parents themselves - it never ends. Best of luck. ((((HUGS)))))

[dollydo]

I'd turn them in and seek full custody or your grandbaby...to me, you must do what's rght for the innocent victim...the child.

[krhea75]

I have been where you are...had my son arrested for pot, but not for stealing. He has taken so much money from me and his brother over the last three years. When I called the cops, they told me it was a family issue. He's only 16 so I guess it wasn't that big of a deal to them. He is finally in rehab, I don't know what to tell you either. They put us in an impossible situation===we love them and we have to have them arrested. If we don't respect our own rights, no one else will. Be strong
khrea

[teke]

i had 2 bad check felony charges, i wrote checks out of my own account and i had to suffer the consequences behind doing that. i ended up with 6yrs probation and sentenced to a women's detention center and a big fine, by the grace of god, somehow i didn't have to do the detention time. going through, all of this gave me a strong desire to want to get clean and during this time i did, ended up with 9 yrs clean before the slip.

i believe that if my family had bailed me out, then i would not have stopped writing them. it wasn't that i wanted to do those things, it was the forced of addiction over ruling my natural ability to do the right thing, i remember times that i wanted to stop so bad that i found myself praying to get caught or praying that god would somehow stop me from being able to get the checks cashed. the easier i had it, with cashing the checks, the easier it was to keep doing it.

i know that you are having a hard time with this, i really do understand. the choice is yours. i just don't want to say turn them in but i know that for them to suffer the consequences of their own actions, may bring them closer to getting clean and sober with the desire to stay that way.

in my opinion, i think that jail is a better option than being on the streets doing drugs, especially since she is pregnant. as far as your grandbaby, i think that if you had to, any court would probably award you custody due to the circumstances, so try not allow that fear to decide for you, what you need to do.

you're right she may end up being angry with you, i was so angry with my family for cutting me off and allowing me to deal with the mess i had created on my own, too, but it was my mess. after i finally got sober and my thinking began to clear, i began to understand that they did what they did, out of love. i am clean today and eternally grateful to them for having the courage, faith and strength to let me fall. today our relationship is priceless. just wanted to share my esh. keeping you and your family in my prayers.

[faithhopelovejr]

Turn them in. An episode of Intervention was about the option of either going to jail or going to treatment. The daughter went to treatment, but relapsed, so guess what? She went to jail. You can always go through the motions in rehab. My AH did that. Jail is a different story. Jail is for punishment. Rehab may FEEL like punishment for the first couple of weeks, but the harsh reality is you are putting off th enevitable by not turning them in. Bring the possible rockbottom to her.

[tug]

You have to turn them in, because this is only the beginning. It will escalate and lead to more stealing if they realize they got away with this. My AS and his AGF did that and more, had them both arrested and both went to jail. She also was pregant.Long story short, it broke my heart, almost ruined my marriage but had to be done. Be strong, take care, tug

[Wascally Wabbit]

This is so hard on us parents when our children continue to do us wrong. We don't want to see them get in trouble. We want to see them live a good life.
But when they refuse to live a good and sober life, we are faced with choices we'd rather not make.
But, if we continue to allow our addicts to walk over us, steal from us, scare us, then we are giving the addiction power, and slowly losing our own sanity.

[hopeforever]

lost parent

its a very hard desicoin to make,, i dont have any advice but im sending u prayers and good vibes and be stron in everything amen