Need To Get All This Off My Chest !!!!!!!

[hadtoleave]

Just need to vent and get this whole mess off my chest:
Sometime life just seems to suck:

1. In 6-2006 my AH & I will be married 37 years. 1st 25 years was just a roller-coaster ride of alcoholism - but he was my family so I stayed with him.
2. In 5-1993 he went to inpatient treatment (5 hours one way to visit - 2x per week), for 6 weeks. On being discharged he would not go to aftercare or AA. I think he was sober 13 years - however now I'm not sure.
3. In 11-2004 I had 3 mini strokes, had to be off work for 3 months, started medications & lots of doctors appointments. But I cooked and shopped for the holiday's.
4. In 2-2005 felt AH was drinking again.
5. In 5-2005 learned the truth and confronted him - he said "He started drinking again because he did not know how to handle my strokes."
"""WHAT"""
6. In 6-2005 I left my AH, he continues to drink - blames me for everything, says I'm the controller (I'm learning I have a serious case of codependancy - but I'm working on this & it's great to learn that I am not crazy), has one- liners he uses on me, says hateful things, won't get help, won't talk about anything, blows up when I bring things up or want to talk, he does not think he loves me anymore, he is not sure if he wants me to come back home, calls me everynight & wants to know what I'm doing, lying, manipulation on & on - well all of you have heard the samething from your alcoholic.
7. In 8-2005 I thought he was going to go to counseling with me, and possible AA. He dragged this out to 1-2006 when he told me he just said that to shut me up.
8. In 11-2005 learned our 13 year granddaughter has a rare cancer, she started chemo in 12-2005. In 2-2006 our daughter was offered a job she had wanted for several months + they needed the income. In 2-2006 I became the primary caregiver: staying with our granddaughter in the hospital for chemo every 3 weeks and then staying with her at home while she takes her shots.
9. In 1-2006 I was put on medication for sleep/depression/high blood pressure. No family member has asked how I'm doing.
10. In 2-2006 my distict manager asked if I needed an extended leave of absence: caring for granddaugter, my job - large number of cases I have to supervise, my current health. Now all this seems to be effecting my job. No family member has asked how I'm doing.
11. This month, 3-2006, I found out my landlady rented apt c, I'm in b, to one of my clients - Oh did I mention I'm a Probation & Parole Officer. Today the landlady was upset with me because I did not tell her not to rent to this person - I learned of all this after the fact. Here's their conversation: she showed my client apt c., she told him a Probation & Parole Officer lives next door - he asked who (because he's on Probation), she told him my name, he said oh she's my Probation Officer, he said he did not think my husband & I lived in this County, she told him my husband does not live in apt b, she told him I'm the only one she will accept a personal check from because she knows my checks won't bounce. This client still hangs with & runs with other felony criminals - I'm sure by now 90% of my clients know where I live.
When I have to do a warrant on one of them - which I know I will have to -will they know where I live & what my car looks like etc. I've spoken to the District Attorney - there is nothing I can do, public information. What a mess!!!!!
12. I have no time, for the next 8 months - granddaughter, to find another apt, pack up everything, rent a truck, find someone to help me move and than move everything, keep up with my caseload, care for my granddaughter. I don't have the money for a new deposit & 1st months rent on a new apt. I will have to change all utilities, accounts etc.

13. Well look there, lucky # 13. I have made the decision to move back home with my AH, it's 1/2 my home. I'm in better shape with my health and mind than when I left 6-2005. I have no choice. He can continue drinking for all I care, the house is large enough so I won't have to be in the same room with him. Though all this I'm just hoping: "Everything happens for a reason."

I will continue reading & posting on this site.
I will be back

Well thanks for letting me vent.
I know I will be OK:

[robina]

Originally Posted by hadtoleave

9. In 1-2006 I was put on medication for sleep/depression/high blood pressure. No family member has asked how I'm doing.
10. In 2-2006 my distict manager asked if I needed an extended leave of absence: caring for granddaugter, my job - large number of cases I have to supervise, my current health. Now all this seems to be effecting my job. No family member has asked how I'm doing.

Hello - my deepest sympathies for your troubles.

I was particularly struck with #9 and #10. I suspect that the caregiving you are handing out to all of the needy folks around you is actually destroying your health.

You repeated twice "No family member has asked how I'm doing." I understand that feeling very well, because I also suffer from the disease of co-dependency. We co-dependents tend to feel very "used and abused" by the thankless loved ones we lavish our time, attention and love upon.

Are you attending Al-anon? Your long term health might depend upon your ability to step back and take care of you, and only you, for a change.

I fully understand there is a sick grandchild, and that is a terrible tragedy, but what is going to happen if you become sick due to stress and your grandchild is deprived of her loving Grandmother?

Prayers and blessings for you and your loved ones, and your dear grandchild.

Robin

[lmesich]

You are an amzaing woman, wow what a story. I think I would move back to the house, maybe you could save some of the money and if things dont work out than you can leave.

It makes me mad that no one even ask how you are after all you do, but maybe they don think it is serious. I know with me I seem so strong that my family always thinks I can handel all things. Maybe you could ask them about it, or somthing.

God bless you and take care.

[Pick-a-name]

WHEW...........what a full plate. I know a few of the problems first hand (remarks by AH,etc sound familiar but no stopping,yet; son has heart condition and surgery, and I was primary care giver,etc during the final two years of my mother's cancer,and my own health issues like high risk pregnancy,and surgeries.........yes AH was "stressed" by all those and not only helped but "pouted" like it was my "fault") but it being your granddaughter, your strokes, economic hardships and on top of that all the mess with those fine folks on probation and those implications...............ugh. Makes me exhausted in all ways to think about it.

I'd move back,too I think.......at least for awhile if you feel you can handle it. It would at least solve your immediate problems. If it doesn't seem to work, you will have time to tweek your plans.

Hugs and prayers to you and your gd.

[Pick-a-name]

Originally Posted by lmesich

It makes me mad that no one even ask how you are after all you do, but maybe they don think it is serious. I know with me I seem so strong that my family always thinks I can handel all things. .

Same here.........someone has to step up to the plate when all these other people have "too much stress". I am sure this granddaughter has some stress of her own; all of us,too.

My AH said to me recently how he knows I am so strong.....that ticked me off. I said to him I was tired of "being strong" all the time......time for someone else to be strong,too.

[megamysterioso]

I'm so sorry that all of this crazy mess is crashing down on you in such a MAJOR way. I hope that moving home will lessen your stress somewhat. At least you will feel safer there away from the criminals and have some financial relief even if your AH may drive you up a wall. I know this is a matter of sheer necessity for you and you will survive it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.