someone explain maintenance drinker to me!
 

okay, all, opinions.

my ex-abf and i do interact and see one another at times. (turns out the reason for that is so that i can remind myself why we don't live together any longer! because it is never good. once he starts drinking he is rude, angry and abusive.)

anyway, the other day he told me that his therapist gave him some sort of test and the results were that he is a maintenance drinker. well, 9-12 beers a day for 25 years... wouldn't that be an alcoholic???!!!

he made it sound like his therapist thought it was no big deal. oh yeah, and he "only" did a bag of heroin a day for three years. not a problem as others in his group were doing so much more! so I must have way overreacted to his using. (huh? thousands of dollars and the lying, lying, lying??? i'm overreacting?)

he almost makes me believe that his heroin addiction was no big deal and his alcohol consumption is okay.

also, he told me that he awakens now a couple of times during the night and drinks a beer to go back to sleep. this is new behavior since he moved out.

so this maintenance drinking is 24/7 it seems. maintain it all day and all night. and that is not a big problem? he called me at 7:30 this morning and was so nasty to me that he could only have been still drunk or very hung over.

i think he is becoming delusional.... i am so glad he is not under my roof any longer.

If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell 'ya! :e058:

You're not seriously buying into that are you?

He's just quacking!

hey ICU, no, i'm not really buying into it, (because i did say to him "so how is a being a maintenance drinker different than being an alcoholic?)

but, contrary to all opinions from people that care about me, there is still that little voice in my head that says ... "maybe it IS me, and not him..."

You think he told his therapist that he was drinking 9-12 beers? I think the odds on that are pretty low. Anyway, I am guessing a maintenance drinker tops up as they go along i.e. maintaining a certain level of alcohol in the old bloodstream. Doesn't seem like a good thing to me somehow.

I always remember my ex coming home from a counselling session and telling me that she said he wasn't an alcoholic. And other time that "she didn't understand why I had such a problem with him". And another that "She couldn't figure out why I was sleeping in the spare room". Heck, she sure had a lot of opinions about me given that she's never met me. 'Cept, I bet she didn't say any of that stuff.

omg minnie! he does that to me too!! tells me all this stuff his therapist of his says about me. his says his therapist says that there is something definitely wrong with me and he should run away from me. huh??????? i'm the one who suffered black eyes, a broken finger, choking, kicking, punching, and heaps of verbal abuse over the years... and i certainly have never met his therapist either.

It's baloney. I think they have enough to work on with him, without analysing someone who isn't there.

I just remember that very often whatever I was accused of, he was really saying about himself. Or it was straightforward manipulation.

exactly, minnie. the things he accuses me of, are everything that HE actually is and does. and yes, a master of manipulation, and the worlds best liar.

whew. i only regret that i didn't get out of this relationship years ago. the usual, i kept hoping it would get better. that somehow I could make it better. Something i wasn't doing right or he wouldn't treat me so badly, wouldn't drink, wouldn't do drugs.

Maintenance drinking is a description of a type of alcohol consumption (alcoholic), like being a binge drinker, I believe. My AH is a maintenance drinker, functional at work but like your guy 10 or more beers etc. each and every night for the past 20 yrs or so. I believe he fights off withdrawls by consuming in a certain way that also becomes progressively worse. The BAC level needs to be at a certain level, or withdralal symptoms start. Yeah...it IS alcoholic drinking. Just more descriptive of his pattern of using.

A good counselor would insist on sobreity BEFORE any work, IF they knew about alcoholism. That would/should be the first order of business.....but alot really do not know. In fact they are harmful, in some of their advice, as I have found out.

Yes,and the heroin.........who doesn't have periods whare they do that?! :a102: I had to laugh, AH wasn't sure if anyone in his family was an A..I said well what about uncle,gpa, his dad... He asked why I would sat that about FIL, and I said he told me he was on methadone treatment twice for injecting himself with Demerol......and NONE of their family (excpet MIL, she is dead) saw that as addiction. He had "stress" and backaches and as a physician gave himself a shot (and his mother!) WHAT!!!??? Hello, he passed out in a parking lot to finally get help and didn't work or drive for over a year and that is normal???????? (THAT is stress for his family,at least) AH just didn't see it that way.

Good luck in all this.......

"Yes,and the heroin.........who doesn't have periods whare they do that?!"

now you are making ME laugh pick-a-name!

It was like gee, everyone does it (Well, actually his son was doing it, his nephew, his niece, his brother, many friends.. so... yeah, like no big deal.

And my all time favorite was "you don't know ANYTHING about it. It's not that bad." (really????? hmmm. i must be an idiot to think that heroin is actually BAD).
(he is in group therapy for his heroin addiction, but they touch on all addictions)

And the maintenance thing i think you hit right on the head. He was trying to make it sound like the therapist thinks it's not so bad. BUT in actuality his alcoholism is becoming just like his heroin use. he wants to avoid withdrawl at all costs. that is something i never really thought of the withdrawl part. i just figured he wanted to be constantly high.

Yeah, it seems like all alcoholics/addicts like to make you think you are overreacting to their problems and like you are the one with the problem. My alcoholic exbf used to act the same way when I would get pissed at him for getting drunk or using. Even though he wasn't the physically or verbally abusive alcoholic, I'm still glad I never lived with/or married him. As it was it was stressful enough for me just worrying if he was going to be all hung over when I went over to visit him or if he was going to hook up with one of his druggie friends and start using again. Plus he just wasn't very honest with me about certain things either.

x

well maybe if we were totally screwed up on heroin and/or oxycotin plus alcohol we wouldn't overreact to anything either and think that everyone else has a problem! lol

HAHAHA!!!!!!! You DO have a good point! ;)

Be proud of me guys. I just finished "Under the Influence". It does a good job of explaning the biochemical changes in the alcoholic. It also describes maintenance drinking.

My wife is at the stage of alcoholism as a maintenance drinker. She puts down at least a quart of wine a day. But she she sips it slowly, throughout her waking hours, to maintain the effect....what her body demands to feel normal.

It is just a stage.....as she gets progressviely worse. In time, her body will demand more and more....to maintain. Meanwhile her health detoriates.

Imagine living life where a 1.0 BAL is normal!!!

Hi Guy,

I'll have to pick up that book. How fast does an A get progressively worse? Do you think she will maintain the quart a day for many years?

My ex-Abf has been drinking the same amount of beer for the past 20 years (he switched from Jack Daniels to beer that long ago, he has been drinking for about 35 years altogether). The worrisome thing is the waking up during the night and having a beer or two... and he's not sipping lately. I saw him kill a beer (his first beer of the day) in about 2 minutes one day. The second went somewhat slower, but not much. Then he slows down to about one every half hour. But lately those first two bring on the nasty personality change. It used to be number 4 or 5 where he started changing into someone else.

And yeah, good point about the BAC. I never really realized that he could probably be given a breathlyzer at any time and come up "dirty." He's never had a DUI though. Very slow and careful driver he is.

I think it depends on the person......they will maintain their need until things get worse. I think it really depends on a host of factors.

My wife has had 3 DWI's in one year. The first one she blew a 2.0 and past the feild sobriety test. And she is tiny! I would be on my ass!

Her last one was 1.5. She was showing no obvious signs of intoxication. Pulled for a seatbelt violation.

She will have to go to jail. Maybe there she will find her bottom....or maybe not. I give it 50% odds of quitting.

well, Guy, she can't drink in jail, so maybe this will be a wake-up call. Hope springs eternal for those of us involved with A's.

I don't live with my ex-Abf anymore, but I am still concerned about him. This is a teeny, tiny, town, in a teeny, tiny, state. And he moved a half mile up the road from me. So I see him. I worry about him. His drinking.

Maybe he'll be maintenance drinker and live til he is 90. This is why he doesn't think he has a problem.... he doesn't see how abusive he is though. Just doesn't see it.

Before AH moved out (he also used to drink JD, about 10 beers a night for 20y or so and about 35y all told) he got to where he would walk in the door and slam down 2-3 immediately before walking upstairs to change is clothes. (He always had a 5 o'clock start rule). Yes, the personality change happened then, instead of later during the night in front of the TV as it had in the past. Mealtime with 2 kids (teenagerS) started getting brutal.

He also started having withdrawal during the night, I am convinced. Sweating, twitching that progressed to kicking,flailing,"seizzure-like" movements, yelling......all kinds of chaos. (oh, and his "equipment" wan't working too well on the rare occassion he wasn't koncked-out). Our son was having heart problems then and I had to be up with him many nights.......ended up I got so little sleep I had to move to the spare room. He got so a few times he punced me or "karate" kicked me in a dead "sleep"....that was enough. A few times in the past, I saw him go downstairs in deep of night an down a beer so he could get to sleep.

Your guy sounds very similar.

I do not know what is going on with him now, but the mental changes and nasty personality are getting worse! We can barely talk on the phone to him some days without an outburst of some kind. I do know that he has now added wine to the mix....who knows if that is all.

Thanks for posting this......I really needed to remember all this tonight. It's been a bad night, and I had kinda forgotten what had gotten me here. Now, I remember.....how could I ever forget?!

There's no formula, to each his/her own. My ex had a very fast decline. She was a heavy drinker for many years but progressed to none-functioning in just a few short months. In the course of one year, she quit, relapsed, quit again, and then relapsed again. Each time getting progressively worse and now she is in advanced stages.

whoa pick, same modus operandi with these two guys. i was also punched/kicked by him while sleeping. right between the legs usually. he didn't know he did it, did not remember.

i feel for you. i am glad i brought some rememberance back to you. sometimes i too forget all that weird, bad, scarey, stuff. it helps that i picture his nasty face when he was being so mean. it helps when i picture his arms with all those needle marks. he is very sick.

and we can't speak much anymore either. asked him to go for a walk with me yesterday, as friends, talk... he was really nasty for no reason that i could fathom, and this was noon time. it's like he is ALWAYS drunk.

yes. the mental changes are getting much worse. let us not forget how progressive the disease is and how profoundly it effects us and our children.

jazz, what do those advanced stages look like from where you stand? physical, mental, both???

i read alot about alcoholism, but like you said, everyone is different. my ex-Abf still seems to function okay. gets up, goes to work, but it's the personality quick-change that seems to be getting worse. (or more correctly seems to be constant).