DV and Chemically involved partners
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
DV and Chemically involved partners
There's been an increase of domestic violence (DV) related issues on the boards lately. I haven't read this entire article, but what I have read so far is very interesting. I'll go back and get the link it came from and post it here later.
What caught my eye was the detaching and Al-Anon references here. I think many of us confuse detachment as taught in Al-Anon as an effective tool for alcoholism AND DV. This article points out it's not the best tool for DV issues. Read on.......
Battered Women with Chemically-involved Partners
Codependency and Effects of Victimization: Similarities and Differences
Codependency and Effects of Victimization:
Similarities and Differences
An abuser's involvement with substances can have a significant impact on victims of domestic violence. One of the ways in which victim safety is often inadvertently compromised is when victims participate in services designed to address the needs of family members of chemically- dependent persons.
One of the difficulties in talking about codependency treatment is that it often means different things to different people. In fact, several different definitions of codependency circulate within the field, each of which has different implications for intervention. For example, if codependency is understood as family members' situational responses to the presence of a chemically-dependent person in their midst, interventions are likely to be based on behavior modification approaches. If, on the other hand, codependency is understood as a pattern of behavior that is most often learned in the family of origin, then interventions are likely to include helping clients gain insight into family of origin roles to facilitate behavior change in the present.
Rather than trying to gain consensus about which definition of codependency is the "right" one, it may be more useful to focus on the behaviors or characteristics that the framework of codependency was intended to describe. Common behaviors and characteristics associated with codependency include:
being preoccupied with partner, what he does, where he is, etc.
being other-focused
making others' needs more of a priority than one's own needs
being unable to define one's own needs
taking responsibility for others
denial
enabling behaviors, i.e., covering up for, making excuses for, supplying the drug
having unclear boundaries; not setting limits with others' behavior
defining mood based on other peoples' moods
being reactive rather than proactive
putting self down
suffering somatic illnesses
For the most part, the behaviors and characteristics that describe codependency also describe the very behaviors that many victims of domestic violence adopt to survive.
Being "other-focused" can be a survival tactic. Being highly attentive to an abuser's mood can help a victim identify potential cues of violence to come.
Putting the abuser's needs, wants, and desires ahead of one's own is a logical, rational response to victimization. If an abuser is placated and happy, a victim may be safer. In fact, it is common for a victim's mood state to be directly influenced by her abuser's mood state. "If he's happy, I'm safe."
"Enabling" behaviors may also be safety-related if you're a victim because a victim's failure to comply with an abuser's demands may very well result in an escalation of coercion and violence. If a victim's abuser wakes up in the morning hung over and tells her to call the boss and tell him that he has the flu, she's likely to do it. If he tells her to go to the corner store and buy a six-pack of beer, she's likely to do it.
Victims of domestic violence often learn the hard way that setting limits with their abusers results in increased coercion and violence.
Victims of domestic violence often seek treatment from the health care system for a wide variety of somatic complaints, often illnesses that result from the stress of living with a violent partner.
Being in a relationship with an abusive partner requires considerable skill and resourcefulness and has a predictable effect on a victim. Victims learn to do and say those things that will help keep them and their children most safe. Becoming highly attuned to the pleasure and displeasure reactions of the abuser is a survival strategy. A victim's own needs, wants and desires become irrelevant because what will help keep the victim most safe is intimately connected to the abuser's mood, wants, likes, and dislikes. As a result, victims may know more about the abuser than they do about themselves. In fact, victims will often adopt these survival strategies regardless of whether or not their partners are involved with substances.
Implications of Codependency Treatment for Victims of Domestic Violence
Just as there is a lack of consensus about the definition of codependency, there is also great variance in the methods used to "treat" it. Twelve-step programs such as Al-Anon, however, are typically an integral part of codependency treatment plans. It is important to take a look at what can happen when a victim of domestic violence becomes engaged in a twelve-step program.
If a victim of domestic violence begins to "detach" from her abusive partner and get self-focused, or if she attempts to set limits with her partner and to define her boundaries, she faces a significant risk that her partner will respond with increased violence and coercion. Abusers are typically very resistant to their partners' attempts toward independence of any kind. Abusers may respond to their partners' changes in behavior by re-establishing their control through the use of intensified violence and coercion.
In addition, victims have misinterpreted many of the Twelve Steps of Al-Anon and tried unsuccessfully to apply them to their lives with their abusive partners; for example, steps four and nine—to "make a searching and fearless moral inventory" and to "make amends." It's not difficult for anyone to identify personal flaws, failings, and mistakes they've made in their intimate relationships. For victims of domestic violence whose partners have blamed them for the violence and reinforced their belief that they are somehow responsible, applying these steps may further intensify their sense of responsibility for their partners' violent and coercive behavior.
It can also be damaging to engage victims in codependency treatment that encourages them to examine their family of origin and identify their roles in the family as a way to understand their behavior and their relationships now. As a general rule, victims of violent crime need, first and foremost, safety-related assistance, not therapy. When mental health approaches are used as the primary response to a victim's victimization, the concrete safety-related needs of victims are often seen as secondary or overlooked altogether.
In addition, a codependency model can encourage victims to look inside for an "explanation" of why they are in a relationship with a violent partner, implying they are somehow to blame and that, if they had a better sense of self-worth or were more assertive, they would sever the relationship. Such an approach pathologizes victims, blames them, potentially endangers them, and ignores the fact that family of origin is not a risk factor for adult victimization.
The message a victim might get from other Al-Anon members when what she's doing doesn't seem to be working is often "Keep coming back." Words intended to encourage family members of substance abusers to continue to learn and find help and support through Al-Anon can encourage victims to keep coming back looking for a solution to the violence, even when their attempts to work a 12-step program aren't helping or are making things worse. Many victims "keep coming back" to work the program harder, to try to work it better, in the hopes that the violence will stop.
When victims of domestic violence are encouraged to stop the behaviors associated with codependency—enabling, caretaking, over-responsibility for a partner's behavior, not setting limits or defining personal boundaries—they are, in essence, being asked to stop doing the very things that may be keeping them and their children most safe. These behaviors are not symptomatic of some underlying "dysfunction," but are the life-saving skills necessary to protect them and their children from further harm.
The survival behavior of victims should therefore not be understood as "enabling" their partners either to use substances or to use coercion and violence. "Enabling" implies that the victim gave her power up and can therefore take it back. Battered women can't take their power back from an abuser because they didn't give it up in the first instance. Their power was taken from them through the use of coercion and violence and efforts they make to take it back will likely endanger them.
Twelve-step programs were designed to provide help, encouragement, and support to people who are affected by someone else's substance abuse problem and they have been very successful at achieving that goal. But because resources such as twelve-step programs and codependency groups were not designed to meet the needs of victims of domestic violence, there is no assurance that victims will get accurate information about domestic violence. In fact, the kinds of behavior changes encouraged in such forums may well result in an escalation of abuse, including physical violence.
This doesn't mean that victims of domestic violence can't be helped by participation in twelve-step groups. Many battered women report that their participation in Al-Anon was a tremendous help in breaking down isolation and building a support system. In addition, many abusers who will not allow their partners to attend a battered women's support group will let them attend twelve-step groups because they perceive it as something the victim does to support them in their recovery.
What's vitally important is that victims be given accurate and complete information about the available sources of help, what they were designed to do, and what their limitations are, so that they can make informed decisions that best meet their individual needs.
Recommendations for substance abuse treatment counselors
In providing assistance to victims of domestic violence whose partners are involved with substances:
give priority to safety and explore safety-related options;
provide referral information to the local domestic violence service provider as a resource designed primarily to assist with safety-related needs;
provide complete and accurate information about the purposes of twelve-step groups and codependency groups and the potential limitations of these forums as sources of help regarding safety-related concerns;
provide referral information to Al-Anon and other resources designed to provide help for family members of substance abusers; and
offer opportunities to become educated about chemical dependency independent of her partner.
Limitations of Codependency Model in General
In addition to the specific safety-related concerns attached to using a codependency framework to understand and respond to victims of domestic violence, there are some concerns about the codependency model in general and its consequences for women that are relevant here.
Gender socialization in our current culture can be limiting to both males and females. There is still social stigma attached to "feminized" male behavior such as crying, being the primary caretaker of children in a two-parent household, and having a stereotypically female job such as a secretary. There is also social stigma attached to women who are assertive, childless, or who are mothers who have full-time employment.
There is, however, a particular catch-22 for women in our culture. When women enter a clinical setting, they are often confronted with a framework that tells them that the very behaviors that they are required to adopt to secure social acceptance—nurturing, responsibility for family, caretaking, defining themselves in terms of their relationships— are "dysfunctional" behaviors. The standard for health that is often adopted within a clinical setting is based on culturally defined male traits such as assertiveness, self-determination and emotional detachment. As a result, female patterns of behavior that result from social and cultural conditioning are transformed in a clinical setting into individual pathology.
Not only is there little acknowledgment of the extent to which our culture values typically socialized characteristics as good, there is also little acknowledgment of the price women pay when they move from being "socially acceptable" to being "clinically well." Our culture is not very accepting of women who exhibit behaviors and characteristics that are perceived to be "masculine," just as our culture is not very supportive of men who engage in "feminine" behaviors.
When we work with anyone in a clinical setting, it is important to understand and value the real-world context in which the client lives, works, and plays. In the case of women, it is particularly important to value and support their choices to be nurturing and caretaking. In and of themselves, these qualities are not bad nor are they necessarily harmful. If and when they become liabilities for any individual, that needs to be explored. Their presence alone, however, is not an indication of pathology.
Relational Model (Or "Self-in-Relation" Model)
The acknowledgment of the relational context of women's lives has influenced the development of new treatment approaches over the past decade. There is growing consensus within the substance abuse treatment system that the most effective treatment approaches for women are based on a relational, or self-in-relation model. The relational model stands in stark contrast to the codependency framework. Advocates of the relational model raise the following concerns with codependency. (1)
Most of the characteristics ascribed to codependency are aspects of the traditional female gender role, thereby defining societal conditioning as pathology.
Seeing the root of codependency as the dysfunctional family overlooks the politics of subordination in a racist, sexist, and heterosexist culture.
Codependency "treatment" encourages personal responsibility while ignoring the reality of how a woman copes in a cultural context in which she has a limited range of options given her traditional gender role socialization, her subordinate status, and the alternatives she perceives herself having in a family and culture that are sexist and oppressive to women.
Codependency "treatment" encourages women to define themselves as "sick," "addicted to relationships," and powerless over their "disease" rather than acknowledging the "sickness" of the social and cultural context and empowering women, within that context, to make constructive changes in their lives.
In the codependency construct, health is represented by the autonomous, individuated, separate self, and pathology as fusion or embeddedness in relationships, ignoring the fact that most women are socialized to define themselves in a relational context.
As an alternative to codependency, the relational model suggests that:
women typically seek mutually empathic connections in relationships;
women develop as a part of relationships and in interpersonal connection and interaction, making the goal of development enhanced connection;
women's response to disconnection from mutually responsive and mutually enhancing relationships is often depression, anger, isolation, confusion, increased striving for connection, and a diminished sense of well-being (as in the case of victims of domestic violence); and
the solution to women's disconnection is not the development of an autonomous, individuated, separate self, but rather creation of a societal context within which growth-producing relationships can flourish. Domestic violence is a context of coercion and control in which women are trapped in disconnected relationships are therefore unable to flourish.
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Center for Substance Abuse Treatment also promotes the relational treatment model for women.
"Because many factors affect a woman's substance abuse problem, the purpose of comprehensive treatment, according to the CSAT model, is to 'address a woman's substance abuse in the context of her health and her relationship with her children and other family members, the community, and society.' An understanding of the interrelationships among the woman/client, the treatment program, and the community is critical to the success of the comprehensive treatment approach. The intent is to consider the holistic needs of women.." (2)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Endnotes
1) Collins, Barbara G. "Reconstruing codependency Using Self-in-Relation Theory: A Feminist Perspective." Social Work, Volume 38, Number 4, July 1993.
(2) Practical Approaches in the Treatment of Women Who Abuse Alcohol and Other Drugs, p. 67. Rockville, MD: Department of Health and Human Services, Public Health Service.
What caught my eye was the detaching and Al-Anon references here. I think many of us confuse detachment as taught in Al-Anon as an effective tool for alcoholism AND DV. This article points out it's not the best tool for DV issues. Read on.......
Battered Women with Chemically-involved Partners
Codependency and Effects of Victimization: Similarities and Differences
Codependency and Effects of Victimization:
Similarities and Differences
An abuser's involvement with substances can have a significant impact on victims of domestic violence. One of the ways in which victim safety is often inadvertently compromised is when victims participate in services designed to address the needs of family members of chemically- dependent persons.
One of the difficulties in talking about codependency treatment is that it often means different things to different people. In fact, several different definitions of codependency circulate within the field, each of which has different implications for intervention. For example, if codependency is understood as family members' situational responses to the presence of a chemically-dependent person in their midst, interventions are likely to be based on behavior modification approaches. If, on the other hand, codependency is understood as a pattern of behavior that is most often learned in the family of origin, then interventions are likely to include helping clients gain insight into family of origin roles to facilitate behavior change in the present.
Rather than trying to gain consensus about which definition of codependency is the "right" one, it may be more useful to focus on the behaviors or characteristics that the framework of codependency was intended to describe. Common behaviors and characteristics associated with codependency include:
being preoccupied with partner, what he does, where he is, etc.
being other-focused
making others' needs more of a priority than one's own needs
being unable to define one's own needs
taking responsibility for others
denial
enabling behaviors, i.e., covering up for, making excuses for, supplying the drug
having unclear boundaries; not setting limits with others' behavior
defining mood based on other peoples' moods
being reactive rather than proactive
putting self down
suffering somatic illnesses
For the most part, the behaviors and characteristics that describe codependency also describe the very behaviors that many victims of domestic violence adopt to survive.
Being "other-focused" can be a survival tactic. Being highly attentive to an abuser's mood can help a victim identify potential cues of violence to come.
Putting the abuser's needs, wants, and desires ahead of one's own is a logical, rational response to victimization. If an abuser is placated and happy, a victim may be safer. In fact, it is common for a victim's mood state to be directly influenced by her abuser's mood state. "If he's happy, I'm safe."
"Enabling" behaviors may also be safety-related if you're a victim because a victim's failure to comply with an abuser's demands may very well result in an escalation of coercion and violence. If a victim's abuser wakes up in the morning hung over and tells her to call the boss and tell him that he has the flu, she's likely to do it. If he tells her to go to the corner store and buy a six-pack of beer, she's likely to do it.
Victims of domestic violence often learn the hard way that setting limits with their abusers results in increased coercion and violence.
Victims of domestic violence often seek treatment from the health care system for a wide variety of somatic complaints, often illnesses that result from the stress of living with a violent partner.
Being in a relationship with an abusive partner requires considerable skill and resourcefulness and has a predictable effect on a victim. Victims learn to do and say those things that will help keep them and their children most safe. Becoming highly attuned to the pleasure and displeasure reactions of the abuser is a survival strategy. A victim's own needs, wants and desires become irrelevant because what will help keep the victim most safe is intimately connected to the abuser's mood, wants, likes, and dislikes. As a result, victims may know more about the abuser than they do about themselves. In fact, victims will often adopt these survival strategies regardless of whether or not their partners are involved with substances.
Implications of Codependency Treatment for Victims of Domestic Violence
Just as there is a lack of consensus about the definition of codependency, there is also great variance in the methods used to "treat" it. Twelve-step programs such as Al-Anon, however, are typically an integral part of codependency treatment plans. It is important to take a look at what can happen when a victim of domestic violence becomes engaged in a twelve-step program.
If a victim of domestic violence begins to "detach" from her abusive partner and get self-focused, or if she attempts to set limits with her partner and to define her boundaries, she faces a significant risk that her partner will respond with increased violence and coercion. Abusers are typically very resistant to their partners' attempts toward independence of any kind. Abusers may respond to their partners' changes in behavior by re-establishing their control through the use of intensified violence and coercion.
In addition, victims have misinterpreted many of the Twelve Steps of Al-Anon and tried unsuccessfully to apply them to their lives with their abusive partners; for example, steps four and nine—to "make a searching and fearless moral inventory" and to "make amends." It's not difficult for anyone to identify personal flaws, failings, and mistakes they've made in their intimate relationships. For victims of domestic violence whose partners have blamed them for the violence and reinforced their belief that they are somehow responsible, applying these steps may further intensify their sense of responsibility for their partners' violent and coercive behavior.
It can also be damaging to engage victims in codependency treatment that encourages them to examine their family of origin and identify their roles in the family as a way to understand their behavior and their relationships now. As a general rule, victims of violent crime need, first and foremost, safety-related assistance, not therapy. When mental health approaches are used as the primary response to a victim's victimization, the concrete safety-related needs of victims are often seen as secondary or overlooked altogether.
In addition, a codependency model can encourage victims to look inside for an "explanation" of why they are in a relationship with a violent partner, implying they are somehow to blame and that, if they had a better sense of self-worth or were more assertive, they would sever the relationship. Such an approach pathologizes victims, blames them, potentially endangers them, and ignores the fact that family of origin is not a risk factor for adult victimization.
The message a victim might get from other Al-Anon members when what she's doing doesn't seem to be working is often "Keep coming back." Words intended to encourage family members of substance abusers to continue to learn and find help and support through Al-Anon can encourage victims to keep coming back looking for a solution to the violence, even when their attempts to work a 12-step program aren't helping or are making things worse. Many victims "keep coming back" to work the program harder, to try to work it better, in the hopes that the violence will stop.
When victims of domestic violence are encouraged to stop the behaviors associated with codependency—enabling, caretaking, over-responsibility for a partner's behavior, not setting limits or defining personal boundaries—they are, in essence, being asked to stop doing the very things that may be keeping them and their children most safe. These behaviors are not symptomatic of some underlying "dysfunction," but are the life-saving skills necessary to protect them and their children from further harm.
The survival behavior of victims should therefore not be understood as "enabling" their partners either to use substances or to use coercion and violence. "Enabling" implies that the victim gave her power up and can therefore take it back. Battered women can't take their power back from an abuser because they didn't give it up in the first instance. Their power was taken from them through the use of coercion and violence and efforts they make to take it back will likely endanger them.
Twelve-step programs were designed to provide help, encouragement, and support to people who are affected by someone else's substance abuse problem and they have been very successful at achieving that goal. But because resources such as twelve-step programs and codependency groups were not designed to meet the needs of victims of domestic violence, there is no assurance that victims will get accurate information about domestic violence. In fact, the kinds of behavior changes encouraged in such forums may well result in an escalation of abuse, including physical violence.
This doesn't mean that victims of domestic violence can't be helped by participation in twelve-step groups. Many battered women report that their participation in Al-Anon was a tremendous help in breaking down isolation and building a support system. In addition, many abusers who will not allow their partners to attend a battered women's support group will let them attend twelve-step groups because they perceive it as something the victim does to support them in their recovery.
What's vitally important is that victims be given accurate and complete information about the available sources of help, what they were designed to do, and what their limitations are, so that they can make informed decisions that best meet their individual needs.
Recommendations for substance abuse treatment counselors
In providing assistance to victims of domestic violence whose partners are involved with substances:
give priority to safety and explore safety-related options;
provide referral information to the local domestic violence service provider as a resource designed primarily to assist with safety-related needs;
provide complete and accurate information about the purposes of twelve-step groups and codependency groups and the potential limitations of these forums as sources of help regarding safety-related concerns;
provide referral information to Al-Anon and other resources designed to provide help for family members of substance abusers; and
offer opportunities to become educated about chemical dependency independent of her partner.
Limitations of Codependency Model in General
In addition to the specific safety-related concerns attached to using a codependency framework to understand and respond to victims of domestic violence, there are some concerns about the codependency model in general and its consequences for women that are relevant here.
Gender socialization in our current culture can be limiting to both males and females. There is still social stigma attached to "feminized" male behavior such as crying, being the primary caretaker of children in a two-parent household, and having a stereotypically female job such as a secretary. There is also social stigma attached to women who are assertive, childless, or who are mothers who have full-time employment.
There is, however, a particular catch-22 for women in our culture. When women enter a clinical setting, they are often confronted with a framework that tells them that the very behaviors that they are required to adopt to secure social acceptance—nurturing, responsibility for family, caretaking, defining themselves in terms of their relationships— are "dysfunctional" behaviors. The standard for health that is often adopted within a clinical setting is based on culturally defined male traits such as assertiveness, self-determination and emotional detachment. As a result, female patterns of behavior that result from social and cultural conditioning are transformed in a clinical setting into individual pathology.
Not only is there little acknowledgment of the extent to which our culture values typically socialized characteristics as good, there is also little acknowledgment of the price women pay when they move from being "socially acceptable" to being "clinically well." Our culture is not very accepting of women who exhibit behaviors and characteristics that are perceived to be "masculine," just as our culture is not very supportive of men who engage in "feminine" behaviors.
When we work with anyone in a clinical setting, it is important to understand and value the real-world context in which the client lives, works, and plays. In the case of women, it is particularly important to value and support their choices to be nurturing and caretaking. In and of themselves, these qualities are not bad nor are they necessarily harmful. If and when they become liabilities for any individual, that needs to be explored. Their presence alone, however, is not an indication of pathology.
Relational Model (Or "Self-in-Relation" Model)
The acknowledgment of the relational context of women's lives has influenced the development of new treatment approaches over the past decade. There is growing consensus within the substance abuse treatment system that the most effective treatment approaches for women are based on a relational, or self-in-relation model. The relational model stands in stark contrast to the codependency framework. Advocates of the relational model raise the following concerns with codependency. (1)
Most of the characteristics ascribed to codependency are aspects of the traditional female gender role, thereby defining societal conditioning as pathology.
Seeing the root of codependency as the dysfunctional family overlooks the politics of subordination in a racist, sexist, and heterosexist culture.
Codependency "treatment" encourages personal responsibility while ignoring the reality of how a woman copes in a cultural context in which she has a limited range of options given her traditional gender role socialization, her subordinate status, and the alternatives she perceives herself having in a family and culture that are sexist and oppressive to women.
Codependency "treatment" encourages women to define themselves as "sick," "addicted to relationships," and powerless over their "disease" rather than acknowledging the "sickness" of the social and cultural context and empowering women, within that context, to make constructive changes in their lives.
In the codependency construct, health is represented by the autonomous, individuated, separate self, and pathology as fusion or embeddedness in relationships, ignoring the fact that most women are socialized to define themselves in a relational context.
As an alternative to codependency, the relational model suggests that:
women typically seek mutually empathic connections in relationships;
women develop as a part of relationships and in interpersonal connection and interaction, making the goal of development enhanced connection;
women's response to disconnection from mutually responsive and mutually enhancing relationships is often depression, anger, isolation, confusion, increased striving for connection, and a diminished sense of well-being (as in the case of victims of domestic violence); and
the solution to women's disconnection is not the development of an autonomous, individuated, separate self, but rather creation of a societal context within which growth-producing relationships can flourish. Domestic violence is a context of coercion and control in which women are trapped in disconnected relationships are therefore unable to flourish.
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Center for Substance Abuse Treatment also promotes the relational treatment model for women.
"Because many factors affect a woman's substance abuse problem, the purpose of comprehensive treatment, according to the CSAT model, is to 'address a woman's substance abuse in the context of her health and her relationship with her children and other family members, the community, and society.' An understanding of the interrelationships among the woman/client, the treatment program, and the community is critical to the success of the comprehensive treatment approach. The intent is to consider the holistic needs of women.." (2)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Endnotes
1) Collins, Barbara G. "Reconstruing codependency Using Self-in-Relation Theory: A Feminist Perspective." Social Work, Volume 38, Number 4, July 1993.
(2) Practical Approaches in the Treatment of Women Who Abuse Alcohol and Other Drugs, p. 67. Rockville, MD: Department of Health and Human Services, Public Health Service.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
It's a Puggle!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the road to sanity
Posts: 235
ICU,
Thank you.
That article makes complete sense. I have often wondered why I am having such a time staying strong with my Alanon learnings, I believe that it is because sometimes a miracle happens and they have the desired effect, other times those beliefs antagonize him and make the situation explosive. The desire to be safe wins...
I think you have just encouraged me to make an appointment with the local DV organization.
Paula
Thank you.
That article makes complete sense. I have often wondered why I am having such a time staying strong with my Alanon learnings, I believe that it is because sometimes a miracle happens and they have the desired effect, other times those beliefs antagonize him and make the situation explosive. The desire to be safe wins...
I think you have just encouraged me to make an appointment with the local DV organization.
Paula
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Paula,
There's no harm in being informed about what our choices are and how to take action with our safety being THE priority! That's smart!
I found that following some of the Al-Anon teachings not only to be ineffective, but down right dangerous in situations where DV was present.
Al-Anon helps us to deal with the chaos and drama of having alcoholic in our lives, and can be applied to probably every aspect in life as well. HOWEVER, it is not a tool to use in keeping ourselves safe within a domestic violence situation.
Sure, after you are safe, if you want to follow Al-Anon, more power to you. But the point is, to get safe FIRST!
Best of luck to you!
There's no harm in being informed about what our choices are and how to take action with our safety being THE priority! That's smart!
I found that following some of the Al-Anon teachings not only to be ineffective, but down right dangerous in situations where DV was present.
Al-Anon helps us to deal with the chaos and drama of having alcoholic in our lives, and can be applied to probably every aspect in life as well. HOWEVER, it is not a tool to use in keeping ourselves safe within a domestic violence situation.
Sure, after you are safe, if you want to follow Al-Anon, more power to you. But the point is, to get safe FIRST!
Best of luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Thank You....this explains so much; and why /how I am in this position. Boundaries have never been a problem for me in the past; until AH rages started as his drinking increased. Also why he can hold it together in social settings fairly well.
He is no longer in our home because of this very reason. He still is "power-tripping" with us, etc....but THIS is the issue that is the deal-breaker with his drinking. I am not about to wait around until someone gets hurt.
Now I understand why alot of this co-dependency didn't seem to fit. Of course, it drifts over to that, but why there is such a complete dynamics shift in the relationship between AH and me and him and our children. Thanks again for this; I will definately print this out and reread it a few more times.
He is no longer in our home because of this very reason. He still is "power-tripping" with us, etc....but THIS is the issue that is the deal-breaker with his drinking. I am not about to wait around until someone gets hurt.
Now I understand why alot of this co-dependency didn't seem to fit. Of course, it drifts over to that, but why there is such a complete dynamics shift in the relationship between AH and me and him and our children. Thanks again for this; I will definately print this out and reread it a few more times.
In Recovery
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 259
ICU (awesome name, by the way)
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
Wow, that makes so much sense.
I would like to try to send that information/web link to all the MN congresspeople/lawmakers. I have heard from people who did not grow up here, that small-town midwestern mentality supports abusive relationships...the old "Go home, and make things work, dear." Men are supposed to be "macho" and women are supposed to be "submissive." (as the Bible says...only, the people who quote that part of the Bible forget about the part which says, "men, submit to the church," and there is some other part about ensuring a wife's reputation...i.e., not going around telling people that she's ******* around on you when she's not).
I have been attending ACOA group for about a year and a half now, and AA for just over a year. I noticed that after a few months in program (and a growth in my strength/resistance), the man I'm married to really "kicked it up a notch" by sexually assaulting me, and then blaming me for it. I was very confused and hurt by this, but also guilty that I wasn't trying hard enough to work on the marriage. It didn't help that he was telling me that he was working on the marriage, but I wasn't.
Then I found out that he'd been visiting not only numerous porn websites, but also "live local (non-committal) sex tonight" sites, AND sites like Great Expectations (where I kept coming to a membership log-in page) and match.com (where I found a woman he'd "marked" who is from a town only 20 miles from here. Apparently, that is his idea of "working on a marriage..." to seek porn, sex, and a relationship while still married.
I am still in the home, as is he. I feel lost, because I don't have money. There is a shelter that is willing to take me in, but I fear losing all my things that I brought into the marriage (I know, they are only things, but damn it, I don't think that I should have to leave it all behind and start new). And, this shelter is 20 miles farther away from my office, which is already 20 miles in the opposite direction of my home.
Also, I don't have anymoney. I started a Real Estate career almost a year ago, and have yet to make any money at it. I feel sort of like a spider caught in my own web.
He has abused my credit cards, essentially stealing from me. He has stopped filling the gas tank on our farm, and he has been hiding his checkbook from me, as though I've been irresponsible with money.
I'm really very sick of it, but I don't really know what to do next. I want to get out, but am not sure how. I keep trying to come up with ideas, but am feeling a little like it's pointless.
I started out writing this to give you praise, but here I am, talking about myself. Well, maybe that is okay.
Kari
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
Wow, that makes so much sense.
I would like to try to send that information/web link to all the MN congresspeople/lawmakers. I have heard from people who did not grow up here, that small-town midwestern mentality supports abusive relationships...the old "Go home, and make things work, dear." Men are supposed to be "macho" and women are supposed to be "submissive." (as the Bible says...only, the people who quote that part of the Bible forget about the part which says, "men, submit to the church," and there is some other part about ensuring a wife's reputation...i.e., not going around telling people that she's ******* around on you when she's not).
I have been attending ACOA group for about a year and a half now, and AA for just over a year. I noticed that after a few months in program (and a growth in my strength/resistance), the man I'm married to really "kicked it up a notch" by sexually assaulting me, and then blaming me for it. I was very confused and hurt by this, but also guilty that I wasn't trying hard enough to work on the marriage. It didn't help that he was telling me that he was working on the marriage, but I wasn't.
Then I found out that he'd been visiting not only numerous porn websites, but also "live local (non-committal) sex tonight" sites, AND sites like Great Expectations (where I kept coming to a membership log-in page) and match.com (where I found a woman he'd "marked" who is from a town only 20 miles from here. Apparently, that is his idea of "working on a marriage..." to seek porn, sex, and a relationship while still married.
I am still in the home, as is he. I feel lost, because I don't have money. There is a shelter that is willing to take me in, but I fear losing all my things that I brought into the marriage (I know, they are only things, but damn it, I don't think that I should have to leave it all behind and start new). And, this shelter is 20 miles farther away from my office, which is already 20 miles in the opposite direction of my home.
Also, I don't have anymoney. I started a Real Estate career almost a year ago, and have yet to make any money at it. I feel sort of like a spider caught in my own web.
He has abused my credit cards, essentially stealing from me. He has stopped filling the gas tank on our farm, and he has been hiding his checkbook from me, as though I've been irresponsible with money.
I'm really very sick of it, but I don't really know what to do next. I want to get out, but am not sure how. I keep trying to come up with ideas, but am feeling a little like it's pointless.
I started out writing this to give you praise, but here I am, talking about myself. Well, maybe that is okay.
Kari
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hi there GirlInside, and thanx for posting on this thread.
I'm sorry to hear that you have so many problems going on, but I see that you are investigating your options and preparing to take action. If you copy your post and start a new thread you'll get a lot more responses from people who have experience overcoming exactly the kinds of challenges that you currently have.
Mike :-)
I'm sorry to hear that you have so many problems going on, but I see that you are investigating your options and preparing to take action. If you copy your post and start a new thread you'll get a lot more responses from people who have experience overcoming exactly the kinds of challenges that you currently have.
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: willow springs, MO
Posts: 2
This information on DV and Chemically involved partners is very informative and enlightening. I have recently left an alcoholic whom I was with with just about 20 years. Over the years the relationship went from simplely being verbally and psychologically abusive to the erruption of physical violence.
I have since left and pursued my own recovery as well as the recovery of our children. The matters which once were insurmountable living with an abusive alcoholic now seem tolerable. The insanity of it all, looking back is astonishing. This article helped me put some of my co-dependent tendencies into perspective, however. Until my HP could get me and my children out safely, I had to take steps to survive and in that regard, I'm thankful for my codependent tendencies. That said, I realize I have a lot of recoverying to do in my own right as do our children. We have all been given yet another lable - suffering from PTSD.
We are now fighting custodial and visitation rights in court, which today, is the most insurmountable fear I have. I pray constantly that my HP, whom I call God, will see me and our children through this safely and together!
Thanks for the post!
I have since left and pursued my own recovery as well as the recovery of our children. The matters which once were insurmountable living with an abusive alcoholic now seem tolerable. The insanity of it all, looking back is astonishing. This article helped me put some of my co-dependent tendencies into perspective, however. Until my HP could get me and my children out safely, I had to take steps to survive and in that regard, I'm thankful for my codependent tendencies. That said, I realize I have a lot of recoverying to do in my own right as do our children. We have all been given yet another lable - suffering from PTSD.
We are now fighting custodial and visitation rights in court, which today, is the most insurmountable fear I have. I pray constantly that my HP, whom I call God, will see me and our children through this safely and together!
Thanks for the post!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: WV
Posts: 33
Thanks for posting this. AH and I have been together 10 yrs and the violence was more frequent in the early years and only when drinking.
The last time he was violent was a year ago, but I still relate to this article more than the codependency posts. Thank you.
The last time he was violent was a year ago, but I still relate to this article more than the codependency posts. Thank you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Scared and Hurt,
Welcome to SR!
Just so you have it, here is the nationwide domestic violence helpline number: 800-799-SAFE(7233). If you give them a call, I'm sure they will direct you to a resource in your area.
As previously suggested, please start a new thread and share your story, concerns, etc. Glad you found us!
Welcome to SR!
Just so you have it, here is the nationwide domestic violence helpline number: 800-799-SAFE(7233). If you give them a call, I'm sure they will direct you to a resource in your area.
As previously suggested, please start a new thread and share your story, concerns, etc. Glad you found us!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 19
Thank you I am a codependent as per the symptoms above & how I deal with an abuser. I want to join al-anon. I am not sure if he is an alcoholic though. binge drinker occaisionally and it does affect him very negatively when does does drink to this level - which he blames me for, for bothering him. blames me for his temper too which he as sober or drunk. worse when drunk.
anyway are there also groups for those who had abusive partners - not focusing on the alchoholism? I have just broken up with him this weekend and need some serious support so I don't go back to him. He has never hit me - grabbed me couple times (didn't hurt me) - it is really just the horrible verbal abuse. What do you recommend for me?
anyway are there also groups for those who had abusive partners - not focusing on the alchoholism? I have just broken up with him this weekend and need some serious support so I don't go back to him. He has never hit me - grabbed me couple times (didn't hurt me) - it is really just the horrible verbal abuse. What do you recommend for me?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Al-Anon helps us to deal with the chaos and drama of having alcoholic in our lives,
Sure, after you are safe, if you want to follow Al-Anon, more power to you. But the point is, to get safe FIRST!
For me, the alcohol seemed to be the problem and the elimination of it the solution. Through Al-Anon and therapy I came to understand that was just the tip of the iceberg.
Bottom line: seek help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by Sweet Charity 
blames me for his temper too which he as sober or drunk. worse when drunk.
Originally Posted by Sweet Charity
anyway are there also groups for those who had abusive partners - not focusing on the alchoholism?
I started with Alanon, because I didn't know about DV support groups. Once I did, I switched. In Alanon, I began to apply the 'detachment' theory. THAT escillated my ex's abuse towards me. It's not uncommon for that to happen.
Different strokes for different folks I guess! It's up to 'you' to decide which is in 'your' best interest.
I do however, always opt for 'safety first'. I can't go to Alanon if I'm dead!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Helping a member who is being abused
Here's the sticky on abuse, lots of great threads in there
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
and here's the hotlines
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...helplines.html
Mike
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
and here's the hotlines
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...helplines.html
Mike
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
In DV counseling I was taught to be able to identify and name power and control tactics. This is very important and helpful to us so that we are able to know what is going on when things do not make sense, are illogical, but are demeaning and/or uncomfortable. We know something is wrong but it is often not said directly as the communication is not what it is made to appear. The words do not match the meaning, in other words. Things are often worded so that the verbal abuse can later be denied. That tactic if I recall is called gaslighting. I was taught that to be able to decode these tactics and scrambled messages were a first step in understanding the nature of the relationship. When I am able to do that I will not be defensively reacting as intended and I will not be confused by the whole interchange puzzling what just happened here. And then having the abuser tell me what happened. That is called crazy making. It is intended to throw the recipient off and leave them confused and unsure of their own mind and understanding. Eventually the recipient will feel humiliated, inferior, suffer a loss of self-esteem and powerless. It is useless to engage in the conversation as it is never meant to be a mutual dialogue. The effect of this style of false communication after enough times will often result in the recipient becoming "mute" and timid until they act out the truth that they have no voice in the relationship. Socially the abuser will speak for both of them, even answering questions directed to the victim. The victim becomes conditioned to be afraid to speak in attempt to avoid further abuse, humiliation or embarassment. The abuser has established his control. Abuse escalates over time. When one tactic does not work the abuser switches tactics. Attempts at independence by the victim will be met with stronger tactics to frighten and establish greater control and to punish the victim for challenging the abuser. While the general pattern is systematic, the victim can never predict what, when, or where the next incident will occur. The victim will then expend great energy in preventing (altho' that is an illusion, there is no prevention) the next occurence. Compliance, placating become self-protective behaviors. Attempts to please are made to ward off/delay or manage the abuse. This is also an illusion that the abuser encourages. The denial of self by the victim damages their sense of identity and it becomes blurred and enmeshed with the abuser's. The Stockholm Syndrome occurs, this is when the victim begins to identify with the abuser,defend him/her in attempt to share in the power, since theirs has been obliterated. The victim becomes continually stressed, which further weakens them.
No matter what the victim does the abuser is never satisfied. Shifting sands. The victim will become in a constant state of defense. There is no way to stop or control the attacks. The victim is now suffering 24/7.
If this is happening to you...you are abused. The abuse is real and intentional and it is very damaging. Hotlines are listed in your phone book or you may call the prosecutor's office where there will be a victim's advocate who can refer you to resources for assistance in protecting yourself and freeing yourself from this painful anti-life relationship. My abuse began verbally and remained that way for years. As I struggled against it, it became occasionally physical...until one day, in an attempt to assert myself I was almost killed. Dead....and I did not suspect or foresee, I had no way to...this incident. There are lots of us. But it remains the well kept secret, because we fear punishment and misunderstanding, shame and blame.
No matter what the victim does the abuser is never satisfied. Shifting sands. The victim will become in a constant state of defense. There is no way to stop or control the attacks. The victim is now suffering 24/7.
If this is happening to you...you are abused. The abuse is real and intentional and it is very damaging. Hotlines are listed in your phone book or you may call the prosecutor's office where there will be a victim's advocate who can refer you to resources for assistance in protecting yourself and freeing yourself from this painful anti-life relationship. My abuse began verbally and remained that way for years. As I struggled against it, it became occasionally physical...until one day, in an attempt to assert myself I was almost killed. Dead....and I did not suspect or foresee, I had no way to...this incident. There are lots of us. But it remains the well kept secret, because we fear punishment and misunderstanding, shame and blame.
Last edited by GiveLove; 11-07-2009 at 06:07 AM.
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