Red Flags - Page 4 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Jadmack25 · 03-25-2009, 04:42 AM

Boy there are some little rippers in that list that I have come face to face with in the past. Now I am worried about my abf, because he has just given me a gift for my new home: he just dumped 10 bags of cow manure at my back gate.

What happened to flowers and chocolates?

Groucho · 03-25-2009, 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BubbaBob

Damn Minnie...with THAT list, none of us guys have a chance...hell, number 42 gets you ready to go, and 54 sends you out the door.

What the hell is wrong with WWF anyway?...LOL

BubbaBob

Sure enough. Certainly none of my friends would make the cut. That is, if I had any, or ever called them.

GiveLove · 03-25-2009, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jadmack25

Boy there are some little rippers in that list that I have come face to face with in the past. Now I am worried about my abf, because he has just given me a gift for my new home: he just dumped 10 bags of cow manure at my back gate.

What happened to flowers and chocolates?

LOL
With the manure you can grow your own flowers

Can't help you with the chocolate, though....

Latte · 03-25-2009, 05:27 PM

Whew, did they follow my ex around?

Ya, I love my current husband. I won't complain about him being a slob as much tonight.

TakingCharge999 · 03-25-2009, 06:08 PM

Sometimes I get more satisfaction from eating a chocolate than being with another human, is that normal? LOL.
Sara Lee, the ONE person you can count on...
OK I am not adding anything to the thread.. LOL

livnfrme · 05-27-2009, 10:55 AM

Wow this was something that made my mouth drop and be still. Sad part is that when the A in my life and I split I had a guy that only had maybe three of these charachteristics which isn't bad out of 100. I left him when the A came back out of rehab. I need help!!!

TakingCharge999 · 05-27-2009, 11:25 AM

I hate it when we realize things AFTER THE FACTS...

I would LOVE to go back to events and SAY MY OPINION!! and leave right away!! and not shut up and be a doormat.

But well. It all has to be FROM NOW ON...

123bubblegum123 · 05-27-2009, 11:35 AM

Hold up. I saw this "list" and immediately had to add my .02. Now, I may only be 19 years of age, but I've learned a thing or two about a thing or two and really this "list" should be for women with incredibly low self esteem - and honestly those women shouldn't be dating. Yes, there are a few numbers on here that are good red flags (pretty much anything that also doubles on the psychopath advisory list) BUT I must address certain numbers that I feel either shouldn't be on this list at all or at least deserve some amending:

7. He immediately starts sucking up to your friends and trying to become buddies with them.

*Honestly, most smart men/women will do this because they KNOW you have a life of your own and they want to (hopefully) secure a spot in it! Obviously if your new boyfriend or girlfriend seems overly aggressive in wanting to know your friends so they can stalk you and control you at all times, that's crossing the line, but any good partner would want to be wanted and somewhat involved in their partner's social life.

8. They have had a chemical dependency problem in the past.

*There are a lot of addicts/alcoholics who are great people but happen to have had dependency issues in the past. Obviously, an addict in active addiction is a monster and definitely not worth dating, but a recovering addict who works a good program could actually just as sensitive and compassionate as someone who hadn't gone through that. After all, trying times tend to make people smarter and stronger.

9. Men who have juvenile hobbies such as comic book or action figure collections.

*Maybe if your new boyfriend constantly insists on playing GI Joe or ignores the news to watch cartoon network 24/7, however, enjoying comic books, cherished action figures, and even a beloved video game is normal AND typical guy behavior. Obviously if I'm too busy to answer a new boy's calls because I'm playing Barbie all the time there's an issue, but just because I have a stuffed animal or two from my childhood doesn't mean I'm some wacko. Same applies for men. I think its totally fine for men to save some kid-behavior, it shows that they're young, fun souls.

14. The answer to any relationship problem you have is resolved in bed.

*In the beginning stages of most good relationships, EVERY issue is solved with sex. Why? Because it's fun and you don't feel like wasting your time fighting. Why fight when you can be naked, right? Obviously if your new bf/gf and you are fighting because you caught them cheating on you for the umpteenth time then you have bigger fish to fry and you shouldn't be with them in the first place.

42. He thinks WWF wrestling is culture.

*What do you have against WWF? I swear if I read on this list about some neo-feminist sport like quasi-touch football or softball being culture, I'll rip my eyes out! I happen to get a kick out of wrestling and think it's fun to watch. Since when is wrestling a red flag for danger, it's more a red flag for possibly repressed homo-erotica or cheapness, not danger!

51. He is uncomfortable with you talking to his former girlfriends/partners/spouses.

*Hello, who wouldn't be uncomfortable with a current bf/gf talking to their ex? I highly doubt anyone is raising their hand..

57. He tells you all the ways you are alike and seems to find more similarities

*When getting to know someone, it's natural to have shared hobbies as well as differences. Early on in a relationship you choose between focusing on what separates you or accentuating what brings you together. If you both genuinely have some shared passions (as long as their healthy, such as favoring the same sport's team or loving the same candy) it's fine! Now if you share an old love of smoking crack then, that's a totally different issue..But people are attracted to others who share similar interests and can open each other up to new things. This should be on a red flag list for positives in a relationship, not a warning sign.

81. His/her whole social life revolves around his/her parents.

*Okay, some people are very family oriented. I'm quite close with my family and especially now that I'm home I find myself hanging with them 80% of the time. Obviously my social life doesn't completely revolve around them, but I don't see anything wrong with someone being family oriented! Ugh, what is wrong with radical feminists?!?

87. He/She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts.

*I'm willing to bet that every girl under 25 has a long history of this. Practice makes perfect, silly feminists.

92. He/she can't hold a job for more than three months.

*Uhm, maybe the author of the list wrote this pre-recession, but it is nearly impossible to be hired in this economic climate, and more and more people are getting laid off every week. This one doesn't apply right now either. Besides, feminists should support themselves. Independence laides, who's with me?

So I do consider myself a quasi-feminist in that in Rachel's World men never come first, I do. In relationships, I love you but I love me more. And men come and go but my friends (especially my gal pals) are permanent. I have had some loving intimate relationships, and I've had my fair share of horror stories, but you need to kiss all kinds of frogs before you fall into prince charming's arms. Not feminist enough for you? Paaalease. Feminism is an excuse for women to be bitchy and to scapegoat men for why we cannot get ahead. You can be independent all you want, but honestly life can get very lonely when you push everyone away with silly lists and man-bashing articles. Why not make your own list of qualities that your ideal man/woman would have? Or, better yet, just find yourself and love yourself and stop trying to turn every person into a "yes" or a "no"..all this categorizing does is make people feel worse about themself and make women focus on finding a boyfriend, rather than bettering her own life!

Rach

GiveLove · 05-27-2009, 01:29 PM

Note that the O.P. -- and this was four years ago -- was simply reposting this missive which she found on another web site.

She was obviously right that it's food for thought...people have been chewing it over ever since

Lots of agreement and disagreement - and in fact she herself noted that she didn't agree with all of it.

elleymae · 02-01-2010, 12:31 PM

Interestingly enough, my ABF has none of those traits. NONE!

Hmmm....

I however have a few of them and have done many more in my past.

Out of curiousity, why is it a red flag if they have no friends of the opposite sex. I can make sense out of all the others on the list but I'm curious why that is a red flag....Does it mean they hate women? I can't figure out why it's a red flag.

miyah · 02-01-2010, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elizabeth1979

Yeah, my dog rather liked him, likely due to the fact that they behaved in similar fashions.

My dog liked my EXABF - he spilled lots of food when he was drinking 24/7 so the dog followed him everywhere.

daisygirl2000 · 05-29-2010, 07:48 PM

101. He acts mean to his mother & doesn't respect her or women in general.

TakingCharge999 · 02-03-2011, 04:56 PM

fourmaggie · 04-08-2011, 05:03 PM

I am single and so is my girlfriend...i like being alone...now i see why...her...well, deep in the toxic relationship....

I just copied and sent this too her...she just called...and i got a great big WOW...this sure is an eye opener...welcome to singlehood

03-25-2009, 05:27 PM	#79 (permalink)
Latte I love my Coastie and 44 MLB's Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Coos Bay, OR Posts: 2,095	Whew, did they follow my ex around? Ya, I love my current husband. I won't complain about him being a slob as much tonight. __________________ I am so thankful for my sobriety Dios me da la Sernidad Para acceptar las cosas que no puedo cambiar La fuerza para cambiar las que si puedo y la Sabidura para reconocer la diferencia

03-25-2009, 06:08 PM	#80 (permalink)
TakingCharge999 A jug fills drop by drop Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 5,882	Sometimes I get more satisfaction from eating a chocolate than being with another human, is that normal? LOL. Sara Lee, the ONE person you can count on... OK I am not adding anything to the thread.. LOL __________________ Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds. Shine. -Siddharta

05-27-2009, 11:25 AM	#82 (permalink)
TakingCharge999 A jug fills drop by drop Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 5,882	I hate it when we realize things AFTER THE FACTS... I would LOVE to go back to events and SAY MY OPINION!! and leave right away!! and not shut up and be a doormat. But well. It all has to be FROM NOW ON... __________________ Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds. Shine. -Siddharta

05-27-2009, 11:35 AM	#83 (permalink)
123bubblegum123 it's a movie, you're the star Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 356	Hold up. I saw this "list" and immediately had to add my .02. Now, I may only be 19 years of age, but I've learned a thing or two about a thing or two and really this "list" should be for women with incredibly low self esteem - and honestly those women shouldn't be dating. Yes, there are a few numbers on here that are good red flags (pretty much anything that also doubles on the psychopath advisory list) BUT I must address certain numbers that I feel either shouldn't be on this list at all or at least deserve some amending: 7. He immediately starts sucking up to your friends and trying to become buddies with them. Honestly, most smart men/women will do this because they KNOW you have a life of your own and they want to (hopefully) secure a spot in it! Obviously if your new boyfriend or girlfriend seems overly aggressive in wanting to know your friends so they can stalk you and control you at all times, that's crossing the line, but any good partner would want to be wanted and somewhat involved in their partner's social life. 8. They have had a chemical dependency problem in the past. There are a lot of addicts/alcoholics who are great people but happen to have had dependency issues in the past. Obviously, an addict in active addiction is a monster and definitely not worth dating, but a recovering addict who works a good program could actually just as sensitive and compassionate as someone who hadn't gone through that. After all, trying times tend to make people smarter and stronger. 9. Men who have juvenile hobbies such as comic book or action figure collections. Maybe if your new boyfriend constantly insists on playing GI Joe or ignores the news to watch cartoon network 24/7, however, enjoying comic books, cherished action figures, and even a beloved video game is normal AND typical guy behavior. Obviously if I'm too busy to answer a new boy's calls because I'm playing Barbie all the time there's an issue, but just because I have a stuffed animal or two from my childhood doesn't mean I'm some wacko. Same applies for men. I think its totally fine for men to save some kid-behavior, it shows that they're young, fun souls. 14. The answer to any relationship problem you have is resolved in bed. In the beginning stages of most good relationships, EVERY issue is solved with sex. Why? Because it's fun and you don't feel like wasting your time fighting. Why fight when you can be naked, right? Obviously if your new bf/gf and you are fighting because you caught them cheating on you for the umpteenth time then you have bigger fish to fry and you shouldn't be with them in the first place. 42. He thinks WWF wrestling is culture. What do you have against WWF? I swear if I read on this list about some neo-feminist sport like quasi-touch football or softball being culture, I'll rip my eyes out! I happen to get a kick out of wrestling and think it's fun to watch. Since when is wrestling a red flag for danger, it's more a red flag for possibly repressed homo-erotica or cheapness, not danger! 51. He is uncomfortable with you talking to his former girlfriends/partners/spouses. Hello, who wouldn't be uncomfortable with a current bf/gf talking to their ex? I highly doubt anyone is raising their hand.. 57. He tells you all the ways you are alike and seems to find more similarities When getting to know someone, it's natural to have shared hobbies as well as differences. Early on in a relationship you choose between focusing on what separates you or accentuating what brings you together. If you both genuinely have some shared passions (as long as their healthy, such as favoring the same sport's team or loving the same candy) it's fine! Now if you share an old love of smoking crack then, that's a totally different issue..But people are attracted to others who share similar interests and can open each other up to new things. This should be on a red flag list for positives in a relationship, not a warning sign. 81. His/her whole social life revolves around his/her parents. Okay, some people are very family oriented. I'm quite close with my family and especially now that I'm home I find myself hanging with them 80% of the time. Obviously my social life doesn't completely revolve around them, but I don't see anything wrong with someone being family oriented! Ugh, what is wrong with radical feminists?!? 87. He/She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts. I'm willing to bet that every girl under 25 has a long history of this. Practice makes perfect, silly feminists. 92. He/she can't hold a job for more than three months. Uhm, maybe the author of the list wrote this pre-recession, but it is nearly impossible to be hired in this economic climate, and more and more people are getting laid off every week. This one doesn't apply right now either. Besides, feminists should support themselves. Independence laides, who's with me? So I do consider myself a quasi-feminist in that in Rachel's World men never come first, I do. In relationships, I love you but I love me more. And men come and go but my friends (especially my gal pals) are permanent. I have had some loving intimate relationships, and I've had my fair share of horror stories, but you need to kiss all kinds of frogs before you fall into prince charming's arms. Not feminist enough for you? Paaalease. Feminism is an excuse for women to be bitchy and to scapegoat men for why we cannot get ahead. You can be independent all you want, but honestly life can get very lonely when you push everyone away with silly lists and man-bashing articles. Why not make your own list of qualities that your ideal man/woman would have? Or, better yet, just find yourself and love yourself and stop trying to turn every person into a "yes" or a "no"..all this categorizing does is make people feel worse about themself and make women focus on finding a boyfriend, rather than bettering her own life! Rach __________________ i'm just a little girl with big dreams.

05-27-2009, 01:29 PM	#84 (permalink)
GiveLove Forum Leader Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Stumbling toward happiness Posts: 4,818 Blog Entries: 2	Note that the O.P. -- and this was four years ago -- was simply reposting this missive which she found on another web site. She was obviously right that it's food for thought...people have been chewing it over ever since Lots of agreement and disagreement - and in fact she herself noted that she didn't agree with all of it. __________________ "Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?" --Mary Oliver "Action is the antidote to despair." --Joan Baez "False hopes bind us to unlivable situations, and blind us to real possibilities." --Derrick Jensen

03-25-2009, 04:42 AM	#76 (permalink)
Jadmack25 Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Wizard Land Downunder Posts: 2,603	Boy there are some little rippers in that list that I have come face to face with in the past. Now I am worried about my abf, because he has just given me a gift for my new home: he just dumped 10 bags of cow manure at my back gate. What happened to flowers and chocolates?

05-27-2009, 10:55 AM	#81 (permalink)
livnfrme Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada Posts: 37	Wow this was something that made my mouth drop and be still. Sad part is that when the A in my life and I split I had a guy that only had maybe three of these charachteristics which isn't bad out of 100. I left him when the A came back out of rehab. I need help!!!

02-01-2010, 12:31 PM	#85 (permalink)
elleymae Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 53	Interestingly enough, my ABF has none of those traits. NONE! Hmmm.... I however have a few of them and have done many more in my past. Out of curiousity, why is it a red flag if they have no friends of the opposite sex. I can make sense out of all the others on the list but I'm curious why that is a red flag....Does it mean they hate women? I can't figure out why it's a red flag.

05-29-2010, 07:48 PM	#87 (permalink)
daisygirl2000 Member Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 26	101. He acts mean to his mother & doesn't respect her or women in general.

02-03-2011, 04:56 PM	#88 (permalink)
TakingCharge999 A jug fills drop by drop Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 5,882	__________________ Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds. Shine. -Siddharta

04-08-2011, 05:03 PM	#89 (permalink)
fourmaggie learning and growing Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: a little city called THOROLD, ONTARIO Posts: 1,491 Blog Entries: 44	I am single and so is my girlfriend...i like being alone...now i see why...her...well, deep in the toxic relationship.... I just copied and sent this too her...she just called...and i got a great big WOW...this sure is an eye opener...welcome to singlehood __________________ ~~Just for today i will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but i will have it~~JUST FOR TODAY

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