Dating a recovering alkoholic

[liv2tell]

Hi all, I'm new to this forum. I've recently started dating a recovering alcoholic (he's been sober for about 6 months after drinking daily for about 10 years). I really care about him.
He's had a relapse this past weekend, called me yesterday and then hung up on me twice. This has never happened before - I am not sure what to think or how to help him. I do really want to help but not sure what I can/ should do. Any tips?

Should I reach out to him or wait until he's ready to talk (calls me).
I realize he may be ashamed of himself (I was with him and saw him at his worst for the first time this weekend).. But I am not freaked out by it - I just want to help!

Any advice would be muchly appreciated.

Thank you all!! You are in my thoughts and prayers!!!

ps - I have an addictive personality myself/ family history of alcoholism but i've never been with (dated) an alcoholic and so far haven't had a drinking problem myself, thank God. I do struggle with other addictive aspects of my personality daily and know how hard it must be for him..

[cwohio]

liv2tell - welcome you have been led to an awesome site! i would let him reach out to you first. you are right, he's more than likely ashamed. do you know if he's working a program? if not, this more than likely will happen again per statistics.

read what you can on this site and soon, no doubt, others will post with their thoughts. lots of great and wise folks here in varying stages of recovery!

hugs - christie

[walkingtheline]

Welcome!

My first instinct is to say "RUN" but I realize matters of the heart are not that simple.

Just reading here would help you a great deal. There's lots of wisdom contained in this forum. You may also want to begin attending Al-anon. You could learn a great deal about this disease and how it affected your life when you were younger and now as well as perhaps gain some real insight about yourself. It's a win-win thing as far as I'm concerned.

One suggestion I would make..and strongly...SLOW DOWN WITH THIS MAN. Do not risk an even greater piece of your heart until you're sure of what's going on. Always take care of YOU.

[stormyautumn]

I agree with what as said here. I myself am an alcoholic in recovery. 48 days clean. The more people tried to help the further I ran away. I too say slow down in this relationship. I have relapsed a many times. I pull away from my loved ones and right now am geting to the point of wanting to be alone to find the me I lost a long time ago. Myself being an alcoholic I am just telling to you to be very careful...we are definately not easy people.

[FriendofBill]

How to help?

Pray and attend al anon.

That is ALL you can do.

[elizabeth1979]

Its a tough situation for you to be in! Be very careful with what you choose to "help" with. The best advise I can give is, wait until he asks for help, instead of volunteering it.
Take care of yourself!
Sarah Elizabeth

[CarolD]

Hello...and I WILL say it...Run!

before the children and the jonb losses and arrests and hospitals and rehabs and lies and the slow errosion of your self esteem.

Read the post here and understand exactly what you are in for.
Do not think love wins over addiction.

[pmaslan]

I second everything Carol has said.............

[dax]

RUN!!!!! The best that you can hope for IF he gets sober is to be at home alone while he is out all the time at AA meetings sharing with other women things that you " can't understand' because you are not an alcoholic.RUN!!!!!!
dax

[Girlfriend]

Hi liv2tell,

I can imagine that's the one word that you do not wanna hear right now is "RUN!". I was told that by friends when I was involved with my xabf. I loved him and couldn't just pick up and run.

Not then, but later on I did!

Got stuck in a big mess with all the A's drama and his family and the blame, lies, hateful words, worrying, crying.

If your bf isn't working a program or doing AA, relapse is probable. Honey, that's a sad thing, but it happens and then you find yourself wanting to help him quit again and...............(plz remember this!!) YOU CAN'T HELP HIM! Because, all you'll do is enable him to drink more. It sounds backwards, but it's so true.

I am a RA. I drank every day for 10yrs. Have been sober for 11. Have not relapsed once and don't plan on it. The smell of alcohol makes me sick. Only by the Grace of God have I stayed sober and non-practicing. There are success stories out there and miracles. I've met alot of people that drank for years and no longer do and haven't for years. So, there's always Hope. But, like they've all told ya......make sure you take care of YOU.

Protect yourself from the insanity and drama of an alcoholic's world.

Keep posting and welcome!!!

((big hugs))

[Cynay]

Welcome to SR! We are glad you found us.

Wow... 6 months huh? You know everyone here is right.... Im a survivor of more of Dax's story... He met someone in AA that understood him and I was history.

Here is what I can tell you that works. You can not cure him, you cant control it.... the first year is a fog for them and many dont get straight till longer then that. Living with them is HELL when they are active and HELL in early recovery.

I would suggest you think long and hard about this, go to Al-anon and start reading and listening... Learn to detach cuz otherwise they will rip your heart out. SO IT DOWN.... maybe suggest he get more time in his program before you give yourself completely. I know that you probably feel that he is soooo right, that you love and want to help him and Im sorry to say this but YOU CANT HELP HIM... but I can say if you dont get the tools to work with this he will tear your world apart.

Im sorry that is probably not what you wanted to hear, but sweetie its the truth and if it has only been 6 months.... TRUST ME it will hurt MUCH more later and you might wake up one day not only wondering who he is ...... but much worse wondering who you are too.

*hugs*

[nocellphone]

(This may get a bit long...)





If you're gonna run, might I suggest the following:

Run to an Al-Anon meeting! There you'll find a group of people who've dealt (or are dealing) with situations like yours and have found useful solutions to coping with the disease of alcoholism. Sometimes running is a good solution. Sometimes it's not. I'm not a fan of the pack-up-and-leave method of problem solving. To me, it smacks of that acronym for fear, Fvck Everything And Run. I prefer the other one, Face Everything And Recover...

I'm not one who believes that it's necessary to pack up and leave just because an alcoholic/addict has a slip or relapses. Relapse is a part of this disease, as it is a disease that resists its own recovery. But where there's breath, there's hope. Read on...

A Non-Alcoholic Hits Bottom...Again!--Nocellphone's Story (well, some of it anyway!)

Before my wife and I were married (we'd been dating for 2 years at the time), I hit an emotional bottom while already 4 years into recovery. I "relapsed" into my old behavior of becoming emotionally enmeshed with a woman I had been friends with for years. There was nothing physical in the relationship, but it sure looked and felt a lot like an affair. My future wife was confused, hurt and angry throughout the experience, and I was feeling the same way I'd felt most of my life: worthless, hopeless, deeply ashamed and often suicidal. I was in the grips of my disease, and I was powerless to pull myself out of its jaws.

I sought my solution in Al-Anon, and that's where I found it. Through working the Steps with a caring, supportive sponsor, I was able to set necessary boundaries and dissolve the unhealthy relationship I'd created.

Through her own Al-Anon recovery, my future wife stood by me--- despite her intense fear and anger, all of which was appropriate to the situation--- detaching as best she could and having faith that it would work out for everyone's highest good. Through the grace of recovery, it did.

We celebrated 3 years of marriage in July, and will have been together 10 years next April. We both feel that, as crappy as it all was, our relationship was strengthened through that experience. We both agree that we each grew as individuals, as well.

I needed to go through that painful experience to learn some very important things about myself and to grow in my ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Had I not gone through all of that, I prob'ly would have been doomed to repeat those behaviors. And as good an option as suicide was beginning to seem, I'm not sure I would've survived another go-round...

Recovery works, but we have to be willing to take some risks to get results.

So, if you do choose to run, please run somewhere productive. Run to where there's help. Run to where there's hope. Run to Al-Anon.

Peace, y'all and thanks for allowing me to share!

[liv2tell]

Thank you all sooo much for responding!!!

Haven't heard from him all day.. not sure what to think or whether I should get worried.

I guess tomorrow is another day.

I am not one to run either it's just that I fear I don't really know what I'm dealing with. He can be out drinking right now. He's told me he loves me but actions speak louder than works. I really hope he has someone to turn to at this difficult time. Someone who can help him through this.

I guess I just don't understand how a person can just disappear like that.

Ohh well.. God bless you all and stay strong!

ps - how do I go about joining Al-Anon? I definitely want to and think it will give me some helpful insight..

[minnie]

Liv, Welcome to SR!

What a tricky situation you're in. I would imagine, given the current situation and your family history of alcoholism, that you could get a lot out of al-anon and also be able to give a lot back. Just look up the number in your phone book, give them a call, find out where your local meeting is and show up. I would advise you to try 6 meetings, perhaps different ones, before you decide whether or not it's for you.

Also, keep reading and posting here - this is a wonderful site with a lot of fantastic people.

Love

Minnie
xxx

[CatsTail]

Hi,

I have to echo CarolD get out now before you've invested anymore time and energy.

You aren't married , you don't have kids, you aren't financially enmeshed.

Already you are on the emotional roller coaster of being with an alcoholic, you are wondering why you haven't heard from him all day. Your self-esteem will just be eroded into oblivion dealing with this.

There is no helping an active alcoholic unless they ask and that is pretty rare.

They usually have to be just about dead before they surrender. By that time the families have been to hell and back.

LOVE does not conquer addiction. It's plain not worth it to stay with an active alcoholic.

Ngaire

[nocellphone]

Originally Posted by liv2tell

how do I go about joining Al-Anon? I definitely want to and think it will give me some helpful insight..

All you need to do is find a meeting ,(<---click on this link) and show up! You meet the only requirement for membership, which is "that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend."

Somewhere near you, there's a chair in a meeting that's been waiting for you to arrive. Maybe now's the time...

I live in Boca, so if you have a hard time locating a meeting in Miami, let me know and I may be able to help.

Peace!

[reader]

My first instinct like some of the others is to say run. After 15 years of dealing with my A I certainly would have made different choices. If he was sober for 6 months he knows what it takes to get sober again. I think attending meetings is the key. We live in a rural area, my husband can only attend 2 a week. He has relapsed too. I think more meetings especially in the beginning would help. By the way, Welcome to SR. Keep coming back, it does help. Kerry

[liv2tell]

Hi All, thank you again your thoughtful replies!

Saw him this past week - he did call and apologized for behaving the way he did. When we're together and he's sober - we have an amazing time. Then he's on his best behavior for about 2-3 days - calls, emails tells me how much he misses me and wants to see me and then disappears again. I think I pretty much have had it. At this point - since the same thing has happened several times - I see a pattern and I don't think I can take this. I don't think I'll be able to enjoy the good times knowing that he will unexpectedly disappear - that would just be self-destructive behavior on my part. I completely agree with what most of you have said - people have to want to change - you can't make them..

Unless he has someone on the side (another woman) which he says he doesn't but who knows - he's either disappering to drink or I can't even imagine what else.. all too much for me to handle at this point no matter how badly I want to make this work.

One last question - can an alkoholic or a recovering alkoholic actually be faithful?

I know it sounds silly that I'm asking this.
Thank you for listening!

Have a blessed day!

[Minx1969]

Hey Liv2tell,

His pattern sounds like my exABF (not in recovery)..he would get upset and disappear, go drinking for a few days and then "i love you, I love you, I love you"..

I don't think he cheated on me..but then I don't know..

Just because they are an alcoholic (or recovering A) doesn't really they can or cannot be faithful..does that make sense? It's not the alcoholism per say that causes them to be unfaithful..so many times the drinking just covers up all their other (mental) issues..if they arent' working some program of recovery (not just drinking but getting help for their other issues) it's going to be tough going for you..


As for me..my exABF came and went and it tore me up..we've been apart almost a year and I am dating a wonderful non alcoholic great man..

I really credit a year in Alanon helping me in my recovery..so I don't chose A's anymore..

Definately try Alanon for your own sanity..it can help you get over this relationship as well..

good luck.

Minx

[Beautiful]

If they're not ACTIVE in their recovery, they are faithful to their addiction.

If they ARE active in their recovery, fidelity isn't an issue until a relapse.

Fidelity isn't just sex. It is emotional loyalty, kindness, sensitivity, gentleness, respect, financial responsibility, accountability, and a few other things.

My AH has never been sexually unfaithful to me........nor has he ever been emotionally faithful to me either.

[CatsTail]

Yes they can.

Ngaire