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Old 05-12-2005, 09:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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To my alcoholic mother

This is a poem I have written about my mother, I wanted to share it with you all because you can probably cross out mother and just plug in the A in your life and identify with it. It felt really good to write this and get it out there and express my feelings about her in this very touching piece. Hope it touches you all.

My Mother

Mother, it is strange that there is so much I want to tell you but I can't. I can tell everyone but you how I feel about you. I can stand in front of a million people and testify how I feel about you but I cannot sit in a room alone with you and utter a single word of it. All I know is that my love for you is undying. I miss you but I know you are not good for me. I know that I cannot be around you that much because you cannot provide me with the nurturing motherly love that I need and you drain me with your alcoholism and manipulative behavior.

Your drunken behavior was once a blessing to me because it was the only time you would pay any attention to me. Like you had to get drunk in order to tolerate my presence.

Mother, I am your baby, your youngest, and the only one of your children who has never ever defied you. I cannot defy you for I fear you will no longer love me the way you do should I protest your behavior. Mother, I want you to know what I have been through. I want you to know how much I have hurt over the years.

I want you to know that I sat on the counter looking out of the window waiting for you to come home.

I want you to know that every single day that you made me live with grandma I cried for you.

I want you to know that every single time Aunt Dena struck my heart with her harsh words...the fact that you did nothing about me struck my inner essence.

I want you to know that everytime you let my brother tease me and beat me up I cried for more than his aggrevation, I cried because I could not run to you.

I want you to know that I do not know how to ask for help from others because I cannot seek help from you.

I want you to know that I will never ever drink in my life for fear that I might become the worst that is in you.

I want you to know that out of all the abusive and toxic people I have had in my life, you were the one who has both hurt me the most and loved me the most.

I want you to know that my heart hurts everytime I smell Calvin Klein's Obsession, I am reminded of you and it hurts.

I want you to know that I just want you to know how much I hurt so that you could know who I am better not so that you can hurt to.

Mother, something inside of me yearns for you and no matter how hard I try, I will always have a void in my heart from reaching out to you and never being able to hold on to you. Something inside of me will always make me cry for you. Something inside of me will always wish so much more for you than what you have limited yourself to and settled for. Something inside of me will always wish you did not drink the way you do. Something deep inside of me will always love you and hate the alcohol that consumes you.

Mother

I

Need

You

And

Love

You.

~Def
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Old 05-13-2005, 06:05 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Wow Def. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. This is lovely and poignant and brutally honest.

This must have been hard for you to write, yet very cleansing at the same time.

HUGS

Barb
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Old 05-13-2005, 06:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Just beautiful, and it did touch my heart - the mother of an alcoholic.
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Old 05-13-2005, 06:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I cannot tell you how difficult it was to read your poem to your mother. I am *that* mother. I can in retrospect, however, say that I provided a loving home for my girls until I decided to divorce their father and move out. ME!!? A stay-at-home mother (by choice) ..... ME?!? A mother who was admired by all that knew her because of the love she had for her girls. ME?!? The one who was brought up so differently from what I've become!

Now I sit wondering how to MAKE IT UP for the last few years of pain and misery I put my girls through. I was NEVER out of their lives .... but I did not realize the severity of my absence in the same home and what my addictions had on them. It's a pain that I will have to carry with me the rest of my life. I tried *buying* their love ..... but that doesn't work ..... I just did whatever it could to have them WANT me, be with me, love me ..... even if that meant spoiling them with whatever they needed materialistically! What an awful message I was sending them!

My oldest is 18 and as I read your words I could hear her writing and feeling the very thoughts you expressed.

In my case, I tried to reach out .... tried to explain ..... tried to talk to them; but they just didn't want to know or hear about my life "without dad!" They felt/feel abandoned and from what I've been told "want their OLD mom back"!

Reading your post here just tears me apart .... not just for me .... but also for YOU! I'm so very sorry you have had to experience this. How I wish things could have been different for you ..... but alcohol destroys the very essence of a person ..... they DO *settle* for things ..... for their disease is all that consumes them.

I don't know whether or not you have shared your writing with your mother, but I know that if I had received a letter/poem like that, I would be so very very grateful. Don't know if it would change her addictions, but it would explain your inner feelings and maybe change your relationship somewhat.

I have no advice; just offer you prayers and praise your courage to write and share your incredible post.

THIS mother thanks you and wishes things would change.

If sharing, releasing your thoughts or feelings would help you, feel free to PM me ..... if I can help in any way, I'm here!

You're a great, STRONG young woman! I hope you know that! I hope that in a sobering moment of your mom's time, she will be able to read what you wrote and embrace it, cherish it, and maybe change; but I don't know the situation, and I certainly can't promise that will happen.

All my love and prayers to you,
Maria


Quote:
Originally Posted by DefofLov
This is a poem I have written about my mother, I wanted to share it with you all because you can probably cross out mother and just plug in the A in your life and identify with it. It felt really good to write this and get it out there and express my feelings about her in this very touching piece. Hope it touches you all.



My Mother


Mother, it is strange that there is so much I want to tell you but I can't. I can tell everyone but you how I feel about you. I can stand in front of a million people and testify how I feel about you but I cannot sit in a room alone with you and utter a single word of it. All I know is that my love for you is undying. I miss you but I know you are not good for me. I know that I cannot be around you that much because you cannot provide me with the nurturing motherly love that I need and you drain me with your alcoholism and manipulative behavior.

Your drunken behavior was once a blessing to me because it was the only time you would pay any attention to me. Like you had to get drunk in order to tolerate my presence.

Mother, I am your baby, your youngest, and the only one of your children who has never ever defied you. I cannot defy you for I fear you will no longer love me the way you do should I protest your behavior. Mother, I want you to know what I have been through. I want you to know how much I have hurt over the years.

I want you to know that I sat on the counter looking out of the window waiting for you to come home.

I want you to know that every single day that you made me live with grandma I cried for you.

I want you to know that every single time Aunt Dena struck my heart with her harsh words...the fact that you did nothing about me struck my inner essence.

I want you to know that everytime you let my brother tease me and beat me up I cried for more than his aggrevation, I cried because I could not run to you.

I want you to know that I do not know how to ask for help from others because I cannot seek help from you.

I want you to know that I will never ever drink in my life for fear that I might become the worst that is in you.

I want you to know that out of all the abusive and toxic people I have had in my life, you were the one who has both hurt me the most and loved me the most.

I want you to know that my heart hurts everytime I smell Calvin Klein's Obsession, I am reminded of you and it hurts.

I want you to know that I just want you to know how much I hurt so that you could know who I am better not so that you can hurt to.

Mother, something inside of me yearns for you and no matter how hard I try, I will always have a void in my heart from reaching out to you and never being able to hold on to you. Something inside of me will always make me cry for you. Something inside of me will always wish so much more for you than what you have limited yourself to and settled for. Something inside of me will always wish you did not drink the way you do. Something deep inside of me will always love you and hate the alcohol that consumes you.

Mother

I

Need

You

And

Love

You.

~Def
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Old 05-13-2005, 07:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by findingme
Now I sit wondering how to MAKE IT UP for the last few years of pain and misery I put my girls through. I was NEVER out of their lives .... but I did not realize the severity of my absence in the same home and what my addictions had on them. It's a pain that I will have to carry with me the rest of my life. I tried *buying* their love ..... but that doesn't work ..... I just did whatever it could to have them WANT me, be with me, love me ..... even if that meant spoiling them with whatever they needed materialistically! What an awful message I was sending them!

In my case, I tried to reach out .... tried to explain ..... tried to talk to them; but they just didn't want to know or hear about my life "without dad!" They felt/feel abandoned and from what I've been told "want their OLD mom back"!

Reading your post here just tears me apart .... not just for me .... but also for YOU! I'm so very sorry you have had to experience this. How I wish things could have been different for you ..... but alcohol destroys the very essence of a person ..... they DO *settle* for things ..... for their disease is all that consumes them.

I don't know whether or not you have shared your writing with your mother, but I know that if I had received a letter/poem like that, I would be so very very grateful. Don't know if it would change her addictions, but it would explain your inner feelings and maybe change your relationship somewhat.

I have no advice; just offer you prayers and praise your courage to write and share your incredible post.

THIS mother thanks you and wishes things would change.

If sharing, releasing your thoughts or feelings would help you, feel free to PM me ..... if I can help in any way, I'm here!

You're a great, STRONG young woman! I hope you know that! I hope that in a sobering moment of your mom's time, she will be able to read what you wrote and embrace it, cherish it, and maybe change; but I don't know the situation, and I certainly can't promise that will happen.

All my love and prayers to you,
Maria
Oh Maria,

We do what we can with what we have you know? You have made mistakes in the past and now you are doing what you can and all you can do is keep doing your best to make it right. You daughters may have to go through a recovery process too.

Family relationships are not easy, alcohol/addiction or not. Everyone in the family has to work to become a nurturing and supportive entity.

My mother is still an alcoholic, we dont have a "real" relationship. I appreciate what we do have even if it isn't much. I appreciate the fact that I can call her and hear her voice even if she doesn't quite know me. I appreciate the fact that she is alive. No matter how cynical I am about it, if she is still breathing there is still a chance.

I appreciate the person I have become as a result of the lifestyle she chose. I am stronger for it and I choose not to go down the same path.

I see a cycle in my family and I am determined to stop it and determined to raise healthy children who do not suffer the same as I do. This means I continue to recover and I continue to work hard on myself. It is not to late for me and it is not too late for you or your daughters.

They have to come forward, they have to forgive, they have to recover on their own. It will take time for them to realize this and work on both of your parts to rectify the relationship you have with one another and move to a more positive and fulfilling level.

Having the Mom I have had has taught me many lessons:

1. People have to change/recover on their own.

2. You truly cannot take care of others if you are not taking care of yourself.

3. Take nothing in life for granted.

4. If you set your heart on something and put your energy into it, even if you do not reach what you are aiming for, you gain something special in the process.

5. My life is under my control and it is my choice to either love it, hate it, or feel indifferent. I choose to love it.

I know that was a garbled message but I hope in all that you know that I appreciated your response and I really hope that you do not continue to beat yourself up over your past. Take responsibility yes, but dont stop yourself into the ground. You are doing way more than I can say for my mother.

*hug*

~Def
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Old 05-13-2005, 07:18 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Def?????

Who's the ADULT here!? Sounds to me like it's you, honey!

I cannot stop crying from your kind words. You're encouraging me .... when you are battling with your own.

I THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!

WOW! I cannot thank you enough for your response.

Sadly, I cannot continue to write as I cannot see the screen through my tears! I will write more later.

For now, know that you have touched me deeply and I appreciate it so very much!

This was certainly NOT a garbled message ..... it was a very truthful, heartfelt message. Garble, ramble to me all you want. Will you ADOPT me? Seems as though you have so much more strength, great spirit, forgiveness, awareness, and an amazing inner beauty ..... than I do!

Hugs and kisses to you sweetie!
Maria
PS: I may just print your response and have my girls read it .... however, they're in denial and don't much care to talk about MOM's problem. Can't say I blame them

All my love to YOU!


Quote:
Originally Posted by DefofLov
Oh Maria,

We do what we can with what we have you know? You have made mistakes in the past and now you are doing what you can and all you can do is keep doing your best to make it right. You daughters may have to go through a recovery process too.

Family relationships are not easy, alcohol/addiction or not. Everyone in the family has to work to become a nurturing and supportive entity.

My mother is still an alcoholic, we dont have a "real" relationship. I appreciate what we do have even if it isn't much. I appreciate the fact that I can call her and hear her voice even if she doesn't quite know me. I appreciate the fact that she is alive. No matter how cynical I am about it, if she is still breathing there is still a chance.

I appreciate the person I have become as a result of the lifestyle she chose. I am stronger for it and I choose not to go down the same path.

I see a cycle in my family and I am determined to stop it and determined to raise healthy children who do not suffer the same as I do. This means I continue to recover and I continue to work hard on myself. It is not to late for me and it is not too late for you or your daughters.

They have to come forward, they have to forgive, they have to recover on their own. It will take time for them to realize this and work on both of your parts to rectify the relationship you have with one another and move to a more positive and fulfilling level.

Having the Mom I have had has taught me many lessons:

1. People have to change/recover on their own.

2. You truly cannot take care of others if you are not taking care of yourself.

3. Take nothing in life for granted.

4. If you set your heart on something and put your energy into it, even if you do not reach what you are aiming for, you gain something special in the process.

5. My life is under my control and it is my choice to either love it, hate it, or feel indifferent. I choose to love it.

I know that was a garbled message but I hope in all that you know that I appreciated your response and I really hope that you do not continue to beat yourself up over your past. Take responsibility yes, but dont stop yourself into the ground. You are doing way more than I can say for my mother.

*hug*

~Def
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Old 05-13-2005, 07:26 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Def,

Your words are part of your grieving and healing process. No, we never forget those we love, even if they've hurt us.

Seeing these words touched my heart, but seeing how it touched Finding me's heart is what brought tears to my eyes.

Love, Blessings and lightness of spirit to you.
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Old 05-13-2005, 07:33 AM   #8 (permalink)
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You both are amazing! I thank you!

Now .... someone please say something funny before I TOTALLY fall apart here!

Seriously, what an amazing place this is ..... one hand reaches the other and that hand reaches another. People loving people and feeling their pain and wanting to help!

OK, time for tissues AGAIN!

Def, I know if I were your mother I'd be so very very very very proud of YOU!

All my love,
Maria


Quote:
Originally Posted by gelfling
Def,

Your words are part of your grieving and healing process. No, we never forget those we love, even if they've hurt us.

Seeing these words touched my heart, but seeing how it touched Finding me's heart is what brought tears to my eyes.

Love, Blessings and lightness of spirit to you.
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Old 05-13-2005, 07:37 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Feel free to print my response out Maria. I am truly touched by your replies and I am very happy that I could share this moment with you even if it is through a computer screen.

I wish you peace, happiness, and the relationship you are working so hard to achieve with your daughters.

Dont give up on them and certainly dont give up on yourself.

*hugs*

I love this place.
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Old 05-13-2005, 07:42 AM   #10 (permalink)
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YA KNOW I don't know whether I want to HUG you or beat ya! Nah, just kidding! I love your honesty and how you've opened your heart up and helped THIS mother out today.

I wasn't going to come back on-line because I don't know how much more crying I can handle this morning (the beating part! LOL) ... but decided to copy this thread and send it to my sister (who WAS my best friend as well as my little sister) who amongst MANY other lost her respect for me and I have alienated.

Hoping she realizes that I am TRULY trying ..... THIS TIME!

Def .... you owe me some kleenexes ..... I've run out!

All my love and gratitude to YOU!

Maria


Quote:
Originally Posted by DefofLov
Feel free to print my response out Maria. I am truly touched by your replies and I am very happy that I could share this moment with you even if it is through a computer screen.

I wish you peace, happiness, and the relationship you are working so hard to achieve with your daughters.

Dont give up on them and certainly dont give up on yourself.

*hugs*

I love this place.
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Old 05-13-2005, 08:11 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I just dont have words to say how deeply this has effected me.

Thank you so much !
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Old 05-13-2005, 08:53 AM   #12 (permalink)
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This is a beautiful poem. Whether she realizes it or not, your mother is very lucky to have you as a daughter.

Robin
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Old 05-13-2005, 09:09 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Yes, Cynay ..... I tried .... writing my words and thoughts .... but it doesn't compare to what Def has done for me today .... although she still owes me a box of Kleenex!

One thing, Def, how in the world did you turn out so STRONG, with such a beautiful heart, so compassionate towards your mother even though she pained you so? I'm at a loss for words ..... and that's not easy for me ..... if you've read any of my other posts, good gracious you know I can RAMBLE!

THANKING YOU AGAIN! We're so glad you're here! Home isn't ALWAYS where *family* is ..... THIS PLACE has become HOME to me and I'm so grateful for it!

Def, although your poem must have been amazingly painful to write, the fact that you shared it has helped me, and others, ENORMOUSLY today!

I hope to be able to return the favor some day!

I said this before, but it's certainly worth repeating ..... YOU'RE AN AMAZING YOUNG WOMAN! Could ya share some of that strength please! Hey, I believe you already did!

I wish I could truly hug you!

Much love,
Maria


Quote:
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I just dont have words to say how deeply this has effected me.

Thank you so much !
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Old 05-13-2005, 12:41 PM   #14 (permalink)
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The poem was not painful to write at all. For me it was a moment of clarity. For once I was finally able to write about my mother without writing something that was either oblivious to our relationship and ignored the problems or without demonizing her and making her into some monster.

In my own recovery I want to stop being a victim. I want to be a survivor. I dont want to pity myself anymore and point fingers. I wish that she was at this stage with me. I wish that she knew how I felt all of this time but not so I can point fingers at her and blame all my sadness and frustration on her, but so she can know me. Without knowing my struggles she will never truly know who I really am.

I love her dearly and always will. She is my mother. You only get one. You can get cybermommies, foster mommies, step mommies but you get one birth mommie and she is *it* for me. I know she loves me and I also know that if she knew how to be a better mom then she would be. She doesn't realize she has that power yet. She has to power to rectify our relationship, to get closer to me. Like I said, as long as their is breath in her body and mind works she can turn this around. The ball is in her court but the problem is that she doesn't know it yet.

I do not make it my business to change her and make her stop drinking or make her do anything. I live my own life and while I still think of her and the rest of the family a lot, I know I am responsible for me and my own happiness and I have to do what is right for especially since she never did and could not because guess what? She is a victim of having her mother abuse alcohol. She is still in victim mode and when you stay in that mode you think you cannot hurt others. You think that everyone is out to get you and in that thinking process you never take actions for your own wrongdoings.

I will not do that to myself or the people around me. I will take responsibility for my future and my actions. I will not marry and have children just to fill my void and bring children into the world and mistreat them and a future husband because my mommie didn't nurture me.

Maria, you and other mommies in recovery here can become survivors too. You are not a bad mom, there is no such thing. All parents make mistakes, people make mistakes, you are, as Jill Scott would say, Beautifully Human. So is my mother, so am I. You and others who have made mistakes will deal with a certain amount of guilt, I know, but dont let that guilt paralyze you and cancel out all of the good you have done in your recovery.

The funny thing about kids is that no matter what, at the end of the day, we STILL love you. Even if your daughters say things like they want their "old" Mom back, well, lets hope one day they see the positive in the fact that you are recovering and lets hope they see that life has its ups and downs and as long as your are strong and you believe in happiness you can make it through. Lets hope that they appreciate the fact that you are here, you are ready to love them and you are working on yourself so that you can do that.

Believe in them. Believe in yourself and it will happen. I believe in me and that is why I am strong. I believe that a higher power gave me the resilience, gave me the shoulders of an ox to carry this weight and the wings of the great albatross to fly away into the sunset. I am looking forward to my life and I will do whatever it takes to be happy.

I hope you do too.

Love always,

~Lillian
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Old 05-13-2005, 03:23 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Def, I didn't read all the replies yet. I just want to say your poem is great. I felt like I was standing there watching it all and the part about your aunt and your brother and the worst part being not being able to go to her for support, I just want to say this is a compelling and wonderful poem. I think you should put it way out there as in published somewhere, places where people would find it somehow. I think this poem could help so many people, especially the "children and adult children" of alcoholics. Good for you
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Old 05-13-2005, 06:27 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Wow that really touched my heart reading that. Is how I feel about my dad I can't talk him how I feel. Thanks for sharing
Love,
Shana
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Old 05-13-2005, 09:26 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Thank You for sharing some of your heart and soul.
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Old 05-16-2005, 10:30 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Def Honey...all I can add..is WOW...you are truly an amazing lady. Your soul shines out in your replies to someone reaching out her hand. That's my girl. :-)
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Old 05-16-2005, 10:43 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by LovingMom
Def Honey...all I can add..is WOW...you are truly an amazing lady. Your soul shines out in your replies to someone reaching out her hand. That's my girl. :-)

Hi CyberMom!! I have missed you! Hope all is well for you.
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Old 05-16-2005, 12:04 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Well darlin..let me fill you in on SonnyBoy. He is doing wonderfuly. He has a job..and has had for quite some time. He is clean and sober. He is a joy to be around. The girl that he married is not ...shall we say....who I would have envisioned him with..but he loves her..and so shall I. I do have to say that I keep coming back here because I am terrified that I have another Sonny in waiting...his little brother is beginning to act and talk and BE the same way SonnyBoy was at 17. Although now the thing is is that I am parenting long distance. LittleSon we shall call him...has gone to live with his dad..this in itself is a death knell for any and all parenting that I have done up to now. Daddyman does NO parenting...he is an ex for a reason..anyways...I have to believe in my HP that LittleSon will not stumble and troll down the same path that SonnyBoy did..but if he does make that decision..I have learned some pretty spectatular things right here..and now i know how to NOT get sucked in to his jet stream.

I pray all things are wonderful in your world little girl...I do pray for you and your strenghth each night. And although you may not know it..I continue to check up on you at regular intervals.

By for now love,

Mom
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