Step Study - Step 1

[osier59]

It seems that it’s a good time for us to begin a step study here in the Friends and Family forum. Much of the information I will post here comes from the book Paths to Recovery: Al Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts.
Each step will have its own thread. That way people can continue to come in, read the information and share his or her experience, strength and hope as it pertains to that step.

Each of us works the steps in our own time, and in our own manner. Most often, step work is done by those who attend face-to-face meetings and have a sponsor. That doesn’t mean that you MUST, it’s just a suggestion. Please don’t feel as though you must rush thru these steps… it took me a few years in the program before I began, and I found myself stuck on at least one of the steps for a year or more. The questions and postings here will be an outline, a framework from which you can begin your journey. If nothing else, the questions will provoke some thought and self-reflection, and some great discussions and dialogue.

Others who have worked the steps before will find that they wish to do the steps again. I know many people who work one step per month every year – 12 steps for 12 months. The more you learn about yourself, the more you know, and the more you wish to learn!

This is the suggested opening that is read at most Al Anon meetings
We welcome you to this Al-Anon Family Group Meeting, and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy.
We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can.

We, too, were lonely and frustrated but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.

The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.

The Al-Anon program is based on the suggested Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer.

The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus make us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity.
Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the group meeting and member-to-member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is on our minds and in our hearts,for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon. The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.

Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization or institution; does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses or opposes any cause. There are no dues for membership. Al Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.

[osier59]

Al Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.

Study of these steps is essential to progress in the Al Anon program. The principles they embody are universal, applicable to everyone, whatever his personal creed. In Al anon, we strive for an ever-deeper understanding of these steps, and pray for the wisdom to apply them to our lives.

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood Him

Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Step 6. Were entirely to have God remove all of these defects of character

Step 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all

Step 9. Made direct amends to such people where ever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

Step 11. Sought thru prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out

Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

[osier59]

Step 1 Questions and Discussion

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.

Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?

How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?

How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?

How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?

Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?

What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?

Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.

How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?

Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?

Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

How well do I take care of myself?

How do I feel when I am alone?

What is the difference between pity and love?

Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?

Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

[JessicaNAJ]

Thanks Osier - these are good questions to ponder. I will have to print these out and answer them to see if I truly am past the first step.

I'm glad you're starting this. In my meetings we pick a topic and focus on that. But I have never actually studied the steps.

[Veronica]

Thanks for posting! I have spent the last week working on Step 1 and this afternoon, I am going through the step with my therapist. This morning I read Step 1 in Paths to Recovery. God has a sense of humor - when He wants me to learn something, he beats me over the head with it (in a good way, of course).

[equus]

Thanks for posting this. The questions make infinitely more sense to me than the wording in the actual step!

What the score? Do people normally answer publicly but in their own time?

[sassygal]

Thanks Osier - I need to work on the steps and needed guidance with this too. I wasn't sure how to make the steps work for me, but after reading the step and your questions - maybe I will understand a little better.

[cwohio]

barb - oh thank you, thank you, thank you for putting this in "layperson's terms"! This is a tremendous help for those of us who want to start working the steps but have been a bit baffled.

[osier59]

yes, each of us can share our experience strength and hope here. Sometimes putting in into writing / words can help to clarify something for you.

To be honest, step one is one that I am constantly working and revisiting. I think I am doing well and that all is going according to some grand plan and then WHAM ! I find some other person/place/thing over which I am powerless.

Don't you just HATE when that happens?

Barb

[osier59]

from Courage to Change - January 14:

1/14
I learned in Al Anon that I’m bound to fail to make someone else stop drinking because I am powerless over alcoholism. Others in the fellowship had failed as well, yet they seemed almost happy to admit it. In time I understood: By letting go of this battle we were sure to lose, we became free.
Gradually I learned that nothing I did or did not do would convince my loved one to get sober. I understood intellectually, but it took time before I believed it in my heart. Frequent Al Anon meetings, phone calls, and reading of Al Anon literature were indispensable to this learning process.
Later, when my loved one chose sobriety, I found new ways to apply this principle of powerlessness. Although I was tempted to check up on the number of meetings attended and to protect the alcoholic from anything upsetting, I had accepted that nothing I could do would make or break another person’s sobriety. After a while, I saw that my fears had little to do with the alcoholic. Instead, they indicated that I needed to work my program.

Today’s Reminder:
When I am able to admit that I am powerless over alcohol, my life becomes more manageable. Today I will take the path to personal freedom and serenity that begins when I surrender.

“Our spiritual growth is unlimited and our reward endless if we try to bring this program into every phase of our daily lives.” – The Twelve Steps and Traditions

[osier59]

from Courage to Change - February 1

2/1

I thought that if I stopped enabling the alcoholic in my life, the drinking would stop.
When the drinking seemed to get worse instead of better, once again I thought I had done something wrong. I was still trying to control alcoholism and its symptoms. Al-Anon helped me to learn that I am powerless. I cannot stop an alcoholic from drinking. If I choose to stop contributing to the problem, I do so because it seems to be the right thing to do, something that will help me to feel better about myself.

When I change my behavior, the behavior of those around me may also change, but there is no guarantee that it will change to my liking. Today I am learning to make choices because they are good for me, not because of the effect they might have on others.


Today’s Reminder

It is hard to stop acting as I have in the past. But with Al-Anon’s support, I can be the one to break the pattern. I can choose to do what I think is right—for me.

“You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life...”


Jane Seymour

[osier59]

and THIS? THIS is my all time personal favorite of ALL the Al Anon readings there are:

Courage to Change, March 14:

One beautiful day, a man sat down under a tree, not noticing it was full of pigeons. Shortly the pigeons did what pigeons do best. The man shouted at the pigeons as he stormed away, resenting the pigeons as well as the offending material. But then he realized that the pigeons were merely doing what pigeons do, just because they’re pigeons and not because he was there. The man learned to check the trees for pigeons before sitting down.
Active alcoholics are people who drink. They don’t’ drink because of you or me, but because they are alcoholics. No matter what I do, I will not change this fact, not with guilt, shouting, begging, distracting, hiding money or bottles or keys, lying, threatening, or reasoning. I didn’t’ cause alcoholism. I can’t control it. And I can’t cure it. I can continue to struggle and lose. Or I can accept that I am powerless over alcohol and alcoholism, and let Al-Anon help me to redirect the energy I’ve spent on fighting this disease into recovering from its effects

Today’s reminder
It’s not easy to watch someone I love continue to drink, but I can do nothing to stop them. If I see who unmanageable my life has become, I can admit that I am powerless over this disease. Then I can really begin to make my life better.

“It stands to reason that a change in us will be a force for good that will help the entire family” How Can I Help My Children?

[gelfling]

OMG!!!! what insight and wisdom...Powerful stories. New perspective on doing the steps. Wonderful wonderful wonderful. And so much more than I ever thought I should consider. What a gift. Thank you Osier.

((((((((((((((((((((((((Osier))))))))))))))))))))) )))

[Veronica]

So I just got back from my therapist.... Loved working step 1 today. While my AH was actively drinking, I learned how to let go and let God. I got to the point where I no longer tried to control his drinking - I stopped checking up on him and all of that. Now that my AH is sober, I find that I am internalizing everything so that he won't get upset - how crazy is that, trying to control someone else's emotions. I thought I was being the "bigger" person by ignoring problems or pretending things didn't bother me. Well, so much for being the "bigger" person - not dealing with the problem lead to resentment building up...and well, you know how that one goes - I became a time bomb just waiting to go off. In working the first step, I read the following in one of my Melodie Beattie books (CoDe's 12 steps):

"There is a place I get to in my relationships with people, and in life, that is dark and ineffective. It is a place ruled by fear and an instinctive desire to control. I have done it overtly - trying to control an alcoholic's drinking by focusing my life around that person. I have done it quietly - trying to control and repress my feelings, trying to control a particular situation, ferreting into myself until I barely existed, repeating unsuccessful similar efforts to solve a problem, or pretending a particular problem doesn't exist."

That's me. I am changing. I made progress just today - earlier this week, my AH said he would take the car in for repairs. Today is Friday and it still hasn't been done. Typical me would have called and taken the car in on my own (afterall, if you want something done right, do it yourself....), but today, I called my AH and asked him about the car - a very awkward conversation for me to have b/c I am so use to just doing things myself. Turns out, my AH had planned to call next week so that we could have the car for the weekend - makes sense, except that my AH didn't know that the dealer will give us a free loaner. He called today and made the appointment to take the car in. Ahhhhh! Such relief. No argument. No resentment.

So yes, I have accepted that my life was unmanageable, I cannot control alcohol, and I cannot control other people. I think I will have to remind myself of this daily so that I don't go back to my old CoDe ways. Thanks for letting me share!!

[newbeginings]

Yes, thank you Osier for the questions. Step 1 is HUGE for me. I'm 50 years old and finally learning that I can't control another person. It amazes me that I ever thought I could, yet I still struggle to remember I can't. Sounds like I'm confused? You bet'cha, but these questions are a big help. I will continue to work this one for a while I think. I think I am finally making progress.

[Ann]

Great thread and great readings, Barb. Like you, I revisit Step 1 often, to remind myself that I am truly powerless over anyone else, their behaviour, and how they choose to live.

It sounds so simple, yet I allow myself to get drawn in time after time, believing that somehow any of this is about me.

JT taught me something important...if it doesn't have my name written all over it, I don't own it.

The minute I accept that I am powerless, my life becomes reasonably manageable again. Funny how that works.

Hugs
Ann

Excellent thread Barb. Were you peeking in my windows this week?LOL
I really need to work this step over again.
Thank you so much
((shammy))

[splendra]

It took me a full year to completely work step 1 the first time. At first there was no way I was going to admit I was powerless. I did not feel powerless at all. That feeling of being powerful (I think) was my disease. My disease told me that I could make my loved ones get clean.

Spiritually I found myself lying face down in a pile of dung with horses tramping over my back what a dark painful place I was in and I finally realized that this was very symbolic of how my life had been for many years. I finally felt my shame.

Almost a year to the date of my entrance into alanon I admitted that I was powerless of the alcoholics/addicts in my life and that my life was unmanagable... I hope nobody has to go as far down as I did before they can understand this very simple concept...

[JT]

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

For me this step needs to be broken down into two parts. The admitting that we are powerless is the first part. Just saying it outloud doesn't make it so. At least not for me. I need to repeat it over and over. Just tonight I was reminded that I am powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic. But I am also powerless over the girl in the next cubicle at work, the driver in front of me, the red light, the rain or lack of it and on and on. By admitting that powerlessness over other people places and things I am shown that all I have power over is myself.

The second part is that my life had become unmanagable. That was hard for me because I thought I was managing just fine...it was the rest of them that were out of control. If I could only go to these classes and learn how to shape them up the world would stop spinning. But then, with the patience of saints, woman who didn't even know me began to point out that I was doing things that I was not proud of. I was behaving in ways that I did not want to. I didn't want to break the set of dishes or call my husband foul names. He MADE me do it! If my son would come home when he was supposed to I wouldn't have to have my nose pressed against the window well into the night and be tired and testy the next day at work. Lord knows what I have to put up with there, too!

I was not the person I wanted to be. I was angry, mad at the world, feeling sorry for myself, depressed and crying all the time, full of resentment and out of control. Not managing very well as it turns out.

So these two small statements started the ball rolling. I had no power over others, I did have power over myself and I can begin to manage my life in a way that I am proud of.

Hugs,
JT

[osier59]

Courage to Change ODAT in Al-Anon II June 3

In order to keep family and friends from interfering with their drinking, alcoholics sometimes create diversions by accusing or provoking. At such a time, we who have been affected tend to react, to argue, and to defend ourselves. As a result, nobody has to look at the alcoholism, for we are too busy focusing on the particular point being argued – any topic will do. And unfortunately, what we defend against we make real.

When we take Step One, we admit that we are powerless over this disease. We do not have the strength necessary to fight it. Defending ourselves by engaging in arguments with actively drinking or otherwise irrational people is as fruitless as donning armor to protect ourselves from a nuclear explosion. Only a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.

Today’s Reminder

I am responsible for taking the actions necessary to keep myself safe. But when my safety is not at risk, I can take time to make choices about my responses. I don’t have to react instantly to provocation, and I am not obligated to justify myself to anyone. By turning to my Higher Power for protection, rather than my wits or my will, I avail myself of the best possible defense.

“Once we learned to see our situation as it really was, we understood why it was necessary for us to turn to a Power greater than ourselves.”

Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions

[osier59]

When I first read this step, I took it very literally, and with a very narrow focus.
Part 1 - powerless over alcohol. That part I understood. What I didn't realize at the time was all the other words that could replace the word "alcohol." What I didn't realize was that I was powerless over any person, place, or thing. When I came to that realization, it scared the ever-lovin SH*T out of me. If I was powerless over all of that, WHO would take care of it? How would my life run, who would care for my children and my home etc etc etc.

What I had to learn about was the difference between powerless and helplessness.

More on that later

Barb

[equus]

Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
Yes. I can accept that I don't have control, however I do have influence. We see in these threads talk of teaching people how to treat us - that is an influence on their behaviour. The concept of 'co-dependency' is in part based on the alcoholics influence over the behaviours of others. As a behaviourist I acknowledge we all influence each others behaviour to a degree. That to me is realism - to want to CONTROL another's behaviour is obsession. To believe we can control another's disease is delusion.

How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Yes - without reservation.

Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
Yes - I accept and understand WHY it is a disease. The second part is harder to answer as I've never understood it as anything other than a disease. Belief in it being a disease does not absolve them from all responsibility, no disease can do that. BUT I don't judge them as less of a person because they have a disease and I can respect effort that is taken to fight it as a disease.

How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
Yes - I tried to change my mother. It didn't work, I gave up and have been happier since. Mind you I might start liking her if she changed herself!!

What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
This question is too big. I use many means to fill my needs some of which rely only on myself and others require me to get help. Where I need help I try toask for it but respect the potential helpers decision. I dislike blackmail with a passion so will take care not to load requests for help with a sense of urgency placing the helper in an 'awkward' position if they would prefere to say no.

How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
The best example of this would be my hubby's time keeping. I tell him how it makes me feel and he tells me how he feels about it. He said he misses the time so bought a larger clock, I agreed to give him a five minute reminder. It's not perfect but it has improved. I would like him to go for help - but that's what I want not him so I respect his decision, which for me includes giving respect to his efforts as an individual despite him not seeking help.

What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
His time keeping would deteriorate!! HOWEVER if HE stopped trying to change himself I think we would have real problems, he's been working on his own improvement for years without me even being around.

How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I think a part of me gets curious and does want to make suggestions where people hit a real problem - I try to keep it only for when I'm asked though. If I make a suggestion before being asked, I'll only make it once and respect the other persons decision. I'm not sure about letting them go entirely - where would that leave us in respect to empathy?

Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
No quick fix - no problem free life. I believe I will learn and grow throughout my life, however I don't expect it will ever be problem free. Challenge/problems help us to think and grow without them I can't imagine how we would recieve signals that we need to improve.

In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
When I have agreed to take responsibility. If I look after a child I am responsible, if I agree to wake my husband I am responsible to see that he is awake, I am responsible for what I've decided to take responsibilty for. On a more global scale we have responsibilty as human beings. If I pass a puke covered drunk lying in the road I have a human responsibilty to ring an ambulance. If an old man falls in front of me I have a human resposibility to help him back up. However That does NOT make me responsible for them in terms of THEIR life, or THEIR future care, decisions, disasters or successes.

In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
My mother's behaviour - although less so in recent years because my friends know her. The situations would be ones where she has hurt people or when she is acting like a twit to get attention. She isn't an alcoholic!!

What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope t