Do alcoholics really love us?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
I think it is very difficult for anyone who cares very little about themselves to be very capable of loving someone else. My AW is incapable of caring about much of anything, her words not mine, so I get little to no love in return. If my AW quit drinking I doubt it would be much different. But if she WORKED at recovery, then probably yes, she could love me. I think she would have to relearn how to love though, starting with herself.
It's sad when you wake up one day & love has gotten so difficult that it takes every bit of what you have & you end up with so little to show for it. I'm sure there are times when my AW loves me but how do I know? She is rarely in any kind of any shape to express it & if she's drunk I don't want to hear it. I guess love isn't unconditional for me anymore. Maybe I have stopped looking so damned hard for the little bit of love she is capable of & I just don't see it anymore. Guess I feel I shouldn't have to send out a search party for the love I deserve.
It's sad when you wake up one day & love has gotten so difficult that it takes every bit of what you have & you end up with so little to show for it. I'm sure there are times when my AW loves me but how do I know? She is rarely in any kind of any shape to express it & if she's drunk I don't want to hear it. I guess love isn't unconditional for me anymore. Maybe I have stopped looking so damned hard for the little bit of love she is capable of & I just don't see it anymore. Guess I feel I shouldn't have to send out a search party for the love I deserve.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 95
I don't know anymore and right now I don't care. When you take off to another country, leaving behind the kids and wife you supposedly love, without so much as a goodbye...there is not enough love in the world that could possibly make me want you back in my life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Originally Posted by jharris10 
Do they feel guilt? YES, in fact alcoholics are more sensitive to emotions such as fear, guilt, empathy, love when they are sober and so when the guilt comes it is far more intense than a normal person may feel as their brain goes into overdrive from lack of alcohol.
As far as alcoholics being more empathetic than other people, not buying that at all. When I think "empathetic" I think the Dalai Lama, Martin Luther King Jr., Ghandi-- NOT alcoholics!
As they say, alcoholics don't have relationships--they take hostages. Ain't a whole lot of love happening there. If I was taken hostage by a gunman at the bank, I highly doubt my reaction would be "Wow, this guy must really love me!"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Originally Posted by JenT1968
I would bet the farm that my ex feels love, he loves his children enormously, he can't always translate that feeling he has into loving actions.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Tx
Posts: 117
"do our alcoholic partners really love us like they say they do?"
I have asked my self this question, i dont know how many times, and still have no answer. I want to BELIEVE that my XABF really does/did love me because i really BELIEVE that i did love him but just because i BELIEVE something doesnt make it true. What i KNOW is that our relationship was dysfunctional at best and toxic at worst. I was a tool and enabler for him to use to his advantage; I know these things now because of the research and knowledge ive gained about alcoholism and codependency.
There is no clear definition of LOVE so its different for every person. In the case of the addict/alcoholic though i agree with what several people have said, "they are incapable of love" "they can never truely love anybody because they dont even love themselves." How could my X love me and cheat on me repeatedly? How could my X love me and lie to my face? How could my X love me but leave me & our son so easliy? Thats not love. He USED me to boost his ego, and to blame me when things went wrong. He has no idea what love is and neither did i. Alcoholics LOVE those who help contribute to their lifestyle and addiction but that is not love. My XABF "loved" me when i was playing into his games and enabling him but as soon as id had enough and didnt want to be apart of it anymore he found a new female that would. Like his new tool/girlfriend that he loves so much but has only known for 3 months!? Hmmmm. "Some people use LOVE to get sex. Others use SEX to get Love"
I have asked my self this question, i dont know how many times, and still have no answer. I want to BELIEVE that my XABF really does/did love me because i really BELIEVE that i did love him but just because i BELIEVE something doesnt make it true. What i KNOW is that our relationship was dysfunctional at best and toxic at worst. I was a tool and enabler for him to use to his advantage; I know these things now because of the research and knowledge ive gained about alcoholism and codependency.
There is no clear definition of LOVE so its different for every person. In the case of the addict/alcoholic though i agree with what several people have said, "they are incapable of love" "they can never truely love anybody because they dont even love themselves." How could my X love me and cheat on me repeatedly? How could my X love me and lie to my face? How could my X love me but leave me & our son so easliy? Thats not love. He USED me to boost his ego, and to blame me when things went wrong. He has no idea what love is and neither did i. Alcoholics LOVE those who help contribute to their lifestyle and addiction but that is not love. My XABF "loved" me when i was playing into his games and enabling him but as soon as id had enough and didnt want to be apart of it anymore he found a new female that would. Like his new tool/girlfriend that he loves so much but has only known for 3 months!? Hmmmm. "Some people use LOVE to get sex. Others use SEX to get Love"
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Panama City, Fl.
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by Daneydoo
One thing that's always come to mind is do our alcoholic partners really love us like they say they do and do they realise half of what they put us through and how upset they make us?
Do they feel any guilt when they lie to us about how much they've had to drink/how much money they've spent on drink? Do they even know they are lying in the first place? Do they realise that we know they're lying?
Do they think about things from our perspectives at all? Or are they too wrapped up in themselves and their problem to be able to do this?
Do they feel any guilt when they lie to us about how much they've had to drink/how much money they've spent on drink? Do they even know they are lying in the first place? Do they realise that we know they're lying?
Do they think about things from our perspectives at all? Or are they too wrapped up in themselves and their problem to be able to do this?
We cannot control nor stop ourselves. It is genetic or whatever the **** ever. It is not YOU. I still love you, more than I can express. But, you are are something we can never have. We crave you, therefore, we reach out to you. You will leave us and that gives us SOMETHING we can strive to. You come back to us and that...
Gives us another challenge... Something we can hold in to. It makes us feel like we have accomplished.
And it shall go on until the day we die...
Unless we get help. Please. Help us.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by harleygirl92156
They love us, they are just emotionally detached. They love the only way they know how. They love and they love deeply, but they don't know how to express it because alcoholism has kept them emotionally imature. If you can live with that, then your ok, if not you need to move on. BUT, they do love you but in their own way and it is a way we may not understand but can accept if we work the program for ourselves.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome
Welcome to the SR family ELKSL!
I'm glad you are here, but sorry about the reason that brought you here.
I recommend copy and paste-ing your original post and starting a new thread of your own so that more members will find you. This is an older thread, and some of the members are no longer active.
I hope you do follow through with your Alanon meetings. I wasn't sure if Alanon was for me, but I took the advice that was offered to me: Try six meetings before you decide if Alanon is right for you. (different meetings if available)
Please continue posting and reading as much as needed. We are here to support you.
One of my favorite posts on SR contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism. Here is a link to the post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm glad you are here, but sorry about the reason that brought you here.
I recommend copy and paste-ing your original post and starting a new thread of your own so that more members will find you. This is an older thread, and some of the members are no longer active.
I hope you do follow through with your Alanon meetings. I wasn't sure if Alanon was for me, but I took the advice that was offered to me: Try six meetings before you decide if Alanon is right for you. (different meetings if available)
Please continue posting and reading as much as needed. We are here to support you.
One of my favorite posts on SR contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism. Here is a link to the post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by cupowater
I can detatch just fine, but I feel like I apear to not care about him anymore, and how can you have a relationship like THAT?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Detachment does not equal selfish.
I am quoting from an excellent book I am still reading called:
"Let Go Now - Embracing Detachment" by Karen Casey.
Detachment means not letting the behavior of others cause you to suffer.
Detachment simplifies our life.
Detachment is understanding that we are never the cause of someone 's actions.
Detachment is freedom from chaos.
and for me, detachment means peace.
I am quoting from an excellent book I am still reading called:
"Let Go Now - Embracing Detachment" by Karen Casey.
Detachment means not letting the behavior of others cause you to suffer.
Detachment simplifies our life.
Detachment is understanding that we are never the cause of someone 's actions.
Detachment is freedom from chaos.
and for me, detachment means peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
As a recovering alcoholic (21 years), I can safely say that active alcoholics are incapable of having real relationships. They're incapable of real love unless they stop drinking and work very hard at staying sober and growing up. The thing is, the bottle is his/her higher power, God, best friend, love of his/her life. One good description of the alcoholic is "His Majesty, the child". Love is much more than a feeling, it's being honest, caring and responsible. It's treating others with respect. Does this describe your alcoholic?
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
do they feel guilt?
i hope so or there are alot of serial killers walking around lol
do they see things from our perspective?
probably to an extent....but you never know someones pain until you walk a mile in their shoes and thats just for the average person
do they love us?
a sure way to find out is when they are recovered and sober.
i hope so or there are alot of serial killers walking around lol
do they see things from our perspective?
probably to an extent....but you never know someones pain until you walk a mile in their shoes and thats just for the average person
do they love us?
a sure way to find out is when they are recovered and sober.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
As a recovering alcoholic (21 years), I can safely say that active alcoholics are incapable of having real relationships. They're incapable of real love unless they stop drinking and work very hard at staying sober and growing up. The thing is, the bottle is his/her higher power, God, best friend, love of his/her life. One good description of the alcoholic is "His Majesty, the child". Love is much more than a feeling, it's being honest, caring and responsible. It's treating others with respect. Does this describe your alcoholic?
Responsible adult loving is not a developed capacity. Of course, ORP [overly responsible party] doesn't know this and, seeing the deeper soul hidden under there, keeps hoping to bring out the potential--the Authentic Self. Stuck in the bargaining stage of grief or of acceptance, ORP tries mightily to get Big Baby to grow up--to no avail.
The follow up blog article is here, talking about Peter Pan & "growing up." Very interesting.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,168
I was married to an alcoholic for 12 years, who told me several times a day that he loved me. I believe that in some capacity he meant it. but he was totally unable to match words with actions, repeatedly choosing the bottle over his commitment to me and his responsibilities to our marriage. It was no longer enough to hear the words, and I no longer had the endurance to cope with his alcoholism.
Now it is I who have become the alcoholic. And I woke up one day to hte realisation that I was jeopardising my second marriage to a man I love dearly. So, now I am a sober alcoholic.
This probably poses more questions than it answers, for in truth, I as an alcoholic know I have always had the deep capacity to love, and give but i know that my first husband had no awareness of the selfless nature of love
Now it is I who have become the alcoholic. And I woke up one day to hte realisation that I was jeopardising my second marriage to a man I love dearly. So, now I am a sober alcoholic.
This probably poses more questions than it answers, for in truth, I as an alcoholic know I have always had the deep capacity to love, and give but i know that my first husband had no awareness of the selfless nature of love
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1
Brilliant response!
Originally Posted by wraybear
My AH loves me and his kiddos. But, when he is "in" his addiction, nothing, absolutely nothing else comes before how, when, where, he will get his next drink. It's like they are obsessed and think of nothing else. I like to think of alcohol as the devil. It tricks them into thinking they can't live without it. I also like to think of it as adultry, as they put it before their marriage. It is so sad. I don't know if they are capable of love when using, other than loving their drug.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Lewisjohn--welcome to SR, and glad you found us here. In case you didn't notice, the thread you replied to is 10 years old--not that that makes it any less pertinent, but you are much more likely to get responses when you either start a thread of your own or reply to more current threads.
Reading around the forum here is a great place to start. As you can see already, a lot of what is shared here, whether current or years old, will sound familiar. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page--this thread is a good one to start with: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Alanon can also be an important resource, both for education and for face-to-face support. I'd suggest strongly that you check into meetings in your area.
Hope you keep coming back to read and post, and wishing you strength and clarity.
Reading around the forum here is a great place to start. As you can see already, a lot of what is shared here, whether current or years old, will sound familiar. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page--this thread is a good one to start with: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Alanon can also be an important resource, both for education and for face-to-face support. I'd suggest strongly that you check into meetings in your area.
Hope you keep coming back to read and post, and wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 104
After reading this thread one thing I can definitely say with confidence is that I didnt know how to love myself before I started going to Alnon. The concept of put myself first was a unknown murky concept. I know this thread is about whether or not the A really love us, I have come to the conclusion that if I don't love myself does it really matter if they love us.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I didn't know this was an old thread until I read the original post and hit "thanks", but I'm glad it showed up here because I've asked myself the same question in the past. Its a good read as are all of the responses.
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