How does he turn it on me?

[Audrey72]

I know many of you know exactly what I am talking about.

Made the decision to leave then that was all blown out of the water after finding a malignant tumor and having to wait for follow up treatment. I could not stand the emotional work in leaving with the kids and getting through the next couple of months.

AH has "cut down" and is having AFD's (a first in years) but is giving me the cold shoulder. I told him I was coming home to have help with the kids and to regain my strength. That I was emotionally worn out an needed some peace. 2 weeks have passed and now he says time has run out and I need to make a decision about our marriage now! He is moping around the house and somehow whenever we get here he also gets sick - so now he is accusing me of being selfish and uncaring and I am fully responsible for the kids again.

I am just so tried. I thought maybe once I finished treatment and got well again I would just see where things were - I told him we needed to re-establish a friendship if we had anychance at all but he says he can't do that so now he is going to leave.

How does he make me feel so guilty as if it's all my fault? Now I find myself wanting to look after him and that makes me feel guilty too.

I think this all sounds a bit crazy....sorry....just so confused.

Aud.

[walkingtheline]

One of the things I considered when I was deciding to end this so-called relationship was the fact that I cannot count on my ABF for emotional support.

Right now you really need some kindness...what Dr. Phil calls "a safe place to fall". You need a "rock", someone you can count on, someone you can lean on while you're recovering.

I suggest you reach out to others. Your church, your friends, your family, don't be shy to ask for what you need. Concentrate on getting well.

My prayers are offered on your behalf...I hope you find both healing and peace!

[Eeyore49]

Hi Audrey,
Yes, As have a great talent for turning things around. They can't handle the responsibility for anything. So they turn it around in their heads to be all our (or anyone else who'll take it on) fault. Then, some they convince us that it IS our fault.

Know for yourself that it is not! It is difficult, but you have to stay strong with your own mind of what you know is right. And blow off whatever he says to the contrary. Don't waste your strength trying to convince him though because it will not happen, and will wear you out.

I know all about being sick and having kids and having no help. It is the life I've had for the past couple of years. I agree with the other post. If you have anyone else you can reach out to, do. I know it's hard to ask for help. We are so used to helping everyone else. It must be done. If you can't do it for yourself right now, do it for your kids. They NEED you to get healthy!!

Take care,
Beth

[CatsTail]

Sigh, ugh!

Poor you.

He's manipulating you and doing crazy-making.

Don't worry you have all the control in this, he has none so he has to resort to manipulation to control you.

He knows you are too sick to make a decision about it.

If you can , can you ignore him and take care of you and your health?

Of COURSE HE'S GOing to get sick everytime the topic comes up he doesn't want the divorce so anything to make you feel guilty.

Ngaire

[wraybear]

So sorry you are going through this. I agree with the above, now is the time you need help from the community. There are SOOOO MANY people out there looking to help someone just like you. Housecleaning, cooking, child care, etc. Seek help from a church. Just pick up the phone, call a church, and ask them if they can help your family. Just tell your AH you have made arrangements for some help, becuase you are simply too tired. it will help you have a more peaceful recovery - and you may meet some new friends, who when you get well, you will be able to help!

Take care of yourself.

[splendra]

People who blame others are looking in a mirror and seeing themselves. They hate themselves and they take it out on the ones closest to them. I am presently learning to not allow this blame into my personal space...

When one of my As start the blame game I tell them this is "your" stuff not mine and I tell myself that I am not going to let their stuff in. It'sa form of detachment and also acknowledgement.

It is simple but, it works for me so far. I even think it has brought more intimacy and reality to my situation....