zrx1200R

been a while since I posted. Spent a year away, and came back to what I'd hoped might be some real progress in my alcoholic wife.

No such luck. Some glimmers of change. Things are improved. But still no where near where they should be. She is no longer passed out. I don't think she drinks two bottles of wine a day. Probably closer to just under one. She's much more discreet now.

Which brings me to the topic of night time crazy making. Anyone else have a drinking spouse who does this?

It goes like this. All is basically well. Nice day. Decent behavior. Nothing really to complain about. But it all goes south as bed time approaches. There appears to be no amount of talking or effort that can change this.

She will pick a fight. Say ridiculous things. Act badly. Accuse me of lying or worse. Anything it seems, just to rile me up. Then I'm up for hours more. And she's out. This is not the rantings of a drunk person. A drinking person, yes. But not a slobbering drunk.

She asks questions that I can not possibly answer or wants to bring up the days challenges for discussion. There is no comprehension that one of us (ME) has to get up and go to work.

If I try to sleep in the other room, she will come in and make an issue.

The other day, I attempted to discuss this. I had what I thought was a reasonable conversation and she seemed to understand. I simply requested some piece and quiet in the home at bed time. It's not like it is total chaos and then I want quiet. I merely ask for the same quiet that we have from after dinner until bedtime. And it is completely impossible to have. Day after day after day.

Just the other day, SHE commented on how tired she was and she stated she wanted to go to bed early. I'm hanging out in our bedroom, with headphones on listening to music and surfing on my ipad. She comes in at 9:30 and wants to go to bed. asks me to turn the light off. So I turn the light off and leave. As it is too early for me to sleep. But I want to respect her wishes. so I depart and say I'll return in a "little bit". 20 minutes later she's busting my chops for not being in the bed with her! Which is hilarious. More crazy ensues. I sleep in the other room.

This actually came up a few weeks prior. In one of her crazy making evenings she went on about how it is not "fair" to her if I want to go to bed early and she's not sleepy! Yet I've never asked for this. Only for quiet when I need to go to bed before here.

So I was surfing the forum today and saw the Quack post.

Yep. Quacking. Nothing else. If the lips are moving, the alcoholic is quacking.

We've not been speaking for 2 days now. It's actually the only way I can get any piece and quiet in the evening. It's kinda nice. If she would just keep NOT TALKING!

She comes downstairs just now, and in the usual pissed off and gruff voice lets me know that I am not to adjust the thermostat "AGAIN". Yet I'm not the one who adjusted it! She did! I haven't touched the stupid thing. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop myself from engaging and telling her such.

Nothing really changes with these people.

In the past I really appreciated the support here. Thanks for listening.

marie1960

So she's only drinking one bottle of a wine a night, (good grief) she's still drinking and making your life highly unpleasant. They truly are selfish, self absorbed ,know-it-alls once they get some liquid courage in them.

Time for some boundaries?

I remember having to go to work after many sleepless nights. It wore me real thin. And it eventually started to take a toll on my health and well being.

Wishing you peace, ( and a couple rolls of duct tape for her mouth)

DreamsofSerenity

I sit and read all these posts about living with A's, and am seriously amazed at how you all do it. The strength you must have to deal with that craziness full time is incredible. My A drove me practically insane through drunken texts alone from his own place. I really don't think I could have survived living with him. I see now what all that strength and energy can do once the A is gone. No wonder lives are so transformed!

zrx1200R

thanks. Just read one of my posts from summer 2011. I mentioned crazy making at 10 pm in that one too!

Things don't change. even though I hope for change.

I still don't understand the powerful grip these people can place on others. It defies all logic. Yet the grip is real.

However, my year away was good. It taught me much about myself and that I simply don't "need" a person like this. My tolerance for the behavior is very, very low. Which is not helping her! my old persona would be thrilled the only time I see the crazy making is at bed time. That is a huge difference.

The new persona asks, why should I have to continue putting up with the crazy making at bed time? And then chooses not to.

New job awaits. Probably a new place to live. And perhaps, just perhaps a new living arrangement as well. we'll see if I have the stones for it.

dandylion

Dear xrz, have you asked yourself what you are getting out of the marriage--as it appears that this has been going on for quite some time?

sincerely, dandylion

redatlanta

I think quantifying what you THINK she is drinking - well you don't know how much she drinks. This just sounds to me like an obnoxious drunk who is trying to appear not as drunk as they really are by engaging in conversation with you.

My guess, she doesn't remember most of what is going on. Your discussions with her about her behavior a waste of time.

Glad to see you are tired of it. Living with an alcoholic is just no way to live.

zrx1200R

Thanks. Yes. But the question remains. Do others experience this bedtime routine? Other behaviors are so similar to what others report, I'm curious about this one as well.

FireSprite

I've never experienced this & I've never read or heard a story like it on the board where it's specific behavior tied to a specific time of day.

I tend to lean toward Redatlanta's opinion though - it sounds more like it has to do with the volume of alcohol in her bloodstream by that time of day more than it is the time of day on it's own..... & that she is likely drinking more than you realize so her behavior is reflective of that. Just my $.02!

CentralOhioDad

Yes, my AW used to do the same thing. But, now I just go to bed before she gets to the 'crazy making' part of her drinking and go to bed - even if I'm not tired at that point. But, most nights after a long day's work, tending to housework and chores, and dealing with getting a 3-year old fed and ready for bed - Im usually ready at 9:45, which is when she gets her second drink.

I try not to engage in any conversation that might trigger anything. Which means not talking much at all!

It's a sad way to live.

DreamsofSerenity

As I said, I didn't live with my A (thank God), but he was definitely always looking for a fight around bed time. I also think it was just the fact he was drunk, not the time of day.

He had an uncanny ability to suck me into fights even when I swore I wouldn't engage.

I know it sucks. Instead of going to bed relaxed and happy, you go to bed angry and sad, and it really starts to affect your overall state of well being.

wanttobehealthy

Yes. Yes. Yes. I experienced this for years. Didn't see it for what it was though. Believed in true codependent fashion that I was doing something to cause his nastiness as soon as the sun went down and I spent years trying to be "better", "more fun" etc. at night so that he wouldn't behave as he did.

And I have experienced him doing what you describe when he was stone cold sober. My guess is that the agitation of having to be "on" all day at work and to "deal" with the kids before bedtime took its tole and the picking a fight (or trying to) was just a way to rationalized the drinking...

Sorry you're living like this.

Among the many things I LOVE about not having AH around anymore is the utter PEACE that I have at night. Even when my kids are fighting, refusing to do homework, or I am cleaning up and doing laundry or other not so fun tasks-- the fact that it is tension free, peaceful and there is no longer someone itching for a fight makes me realize how miserably I lived for so long.

BensWife

Oh my god. Every. Single. Night.
First post, first reading of the forums and I could have written every word.
Except it's my husband and I'm the one with work in the morning.

petmagnet

This!! I agree that it's more a consequence of the amount of alcohol in her blood stream by that time every night. I bet if she started drinking at 10am or whatever, you'd see the same mouth on her at 5 pm. I can immediately tell how much my AH has drank, and for how long, just by his attitude- mouth. Call it what you want. Once he hits that 3rd beer he's already off to the races.

MsPINKAcres

yes it is - I did it for the majority of the 16 yrs of our marriage ~

I have been out of that insanity for almost 5 yrs now

I am very very grateful to be able to live Happy, Joyous and PINKfully free

I pray that those living with that find a way to have peace in their lives

pink hugs

lovesunandsnow

Wow - the sleepless nights I remember all to well. It would always happen after I'd been sleeping for a few hours and had a big day at work or an interview with a new company and my ex-abf would come in to wake me up to pick a fight. Always something and I would be up all night and he would pass out. So I would call in sick that next day or one time didn't even make it to the first day of work since I never slept.

I do not in anyway miss those days. It took a toll on my body then and now I'm still feel like I"m recovering from those nightly rants! I wish you rest and peace.

LaughAway

I never experienced the bedtime crazy but I have experienced the midnight crazy. My A would wake me up in the middle of the night by busting into the bedroom with music or calling me names. Sometimes I would wake up to loud music and a room full of strangers in my home that my A had brought home from a bar. This was the regular behavior for him.

There is hope though. After he graduated from college we moved for a job he was offered and then the midnight crazies almost dipleated. No more strangers came to my house and he rarely was up late. I did still have to worry about the bar hopping at night. For me it was hard to sleep not knowing if he was ok.

He is in recovery now but everyday is a struggle. No longer do we argue about his drinking. Now we argue over other ppl who drink bc he's very angry that he can't.

Lulu39

The late night/early morning loud music and singing did my head in.

Or him wanting and trying desperately to engage me in some futile "discussion" i.e argument about stuff I didn't give a flying fig about. We would end up fighting abut the fact that I refused to fight about something. Crazy.

LaughAway

And when you'd get up in the morning your A was sound asleep on the couch? Mine was most of the time. It was so frustrating and draining. Or if he was awake he was so intoxicated it was ridicoulous. And his new looser buddies were straight scum. I'm surprised we weren't robbed, assaulted, or murdered.

rocker

Ohhh. yes. the bedtime routines.
Totally relate. It seems like when the sun goes down.. the anxiety goes up and the need to drink increases.

My AH used to wake me up relentlessly. Now he lets me sleep.. but if he drinks.. he snores. He comes to bed noisily. (usually around 3 or 4 am) He will talk in his sleep if he drinks as well. The worst is when he wants to have sex and he's loaded. Seriously? I have to get up and hustle my butt off to make money. (entrepreneur.)

Nowadays... he'll be sitting at his computer. I'll go in there and say good night and give him a kiss and there's this weird anger and rage that I'm not staying up anymore "like the good ole days" when I used to party with him.

Yeah. I totally get it. Night time crazy making.
Well stated.

kasie

I've experienced the nighttime crazies. It goes something like this:

I work full time, exABF didn't. I'd go to bed at 10-10:30ish, exABF would be passed out on the couch with the TV blaring.

At 2-4am exABF would come to bed, wake me up and ask why I was asleep. My response: I need my sleep so I can work tomorrow.

Then exABF would insist on playing with his laptop while in bed or putting the TV on in the background 'to help him sleep'. So I'd be left with the light glow and buzzing of different electrical appliances all night. And when I'd ask for them to be turned off, 'I didn't understand'.

Crazy crazy routine.