"DOTTY" - MAN WITH "A" WIFE - WITH KIDS - SETTLED

[Dotty]

I have just come across this site, I joined because I need help and just being able to get some of the hurt and lonelyness out in the open is so good.
I am 42 and have been married for 20 years, first noticed wife had real problem with alcohol about 6-7 year s ago, possibly longer. I have stayed with her because of our two children and I do (did) love her.

I feel so sorry for all women who's comments I have seen on the threads I have read. I know how you feel.

I do not have friends round the house, I cannot have a gin and tonic when I come home from work, we do not keep alcohol in the house, but wife buys and drinks in the day. Bottles in her wardrobe, under the sink and in kitchen cupboards tell me that it is alcohol that she needs more than me.

She is unable to talk about it, will not get help will not join AA. She knows she has a problem but will not start reciovery, longest without A is a week.

No sex life, no hugs no trust. AAGHHHHHHHH it makes me mad. We argue more now but no physical violence.

Thats me for now.

[minnie]

Hi Dotty and welcome again!

As you have read, you are not alone.

this is agreat place to come and share. You will learn something we call the 3 Cs - you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE it. What you need to do is look after yourself.

Try and get to an al-anon meeting. http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ We have quite a few guys at ours.

Love

Minnie
xxx

[Dotty]

Minnie, hi

this site is so superb. All of my emotions are here and shared by so many people. Thanks for the advice and the link. I will remember the 3 Cs. It is good to realise that I am not alone.

I have been ill with stress (managed to keep working). I was able to talk with doctor and comminity psycotherapist (awful at spelling). Both children have special education needs, I am one who does bed time stories, takes kids out, deals with medical treatment for kids, walks dog etc. and I go out to work.

Wife not had job for 17 years. Will not go to adult education or seek charity work. She does very little, cook (heats food) and wash and iron, thats it.

I am unhappy and lonely.

Dotty

[bikewench]

Hey Dottie...

Glad ya found your way here.

Yeah. The story. Over and over and over. Makes me feel crazy sometimes when I read here. So much pain. So needless. So much wasted time and life. It's so sad sometimes I just have to cry for the sorry state of mankind.

And yet... we go on and on. In dead end relationships. In pain. Loveless. Endlessly hoping.

And yet... being the addict is a hell of it's own. It's a lose/lose situation.

Unfortunately... the disease of codependency is the root cause of all this suffering. Hers for being the addict... and yours for staying and enduring the pain.

I highly recommend you read anything you can get your hands on regarding codependency. It really helped me with the resentments that I'd carried for so long.

Alanon is also a life saver for so many. It teaches skills to detach from the addicts insanity and get on with your life... with her or without.

Anyway.. come often. Share lots. The burden is definitely lessened when we finally understand that we're not alone in our problems.... and there are solutions.

[Gabe]

Hey Dotty,
Glad you found us.
It's a comfort to know you're not alone, yeah?
This disease affects the whole family.
Many of us who are married to, or love an alcoholic find ourselves isolated and feeling alone.
Reaching out to other people in the same circumstances is the first step in fixing that.
Stick around, good folks here.
The coffee is pretty good too, when someone remembers to make it.

[Peaches04]

Hi Dotty!! Welcome to the family! I know I was so greatful when i found this site, and when I read the Melody Beattie book "Codependent No More". I would highly recommend that - it changed my life, literally. You are definately not alone... and man or woman - this disease affects us all the same here on this side. We're here for you...most of us have been through things we never in a million years thought we would go through and STAY through! so, please...feel at home!

[JessicaNAJ]

Hi Dotty - Welcome to SR.

It's not easy living with an A.

In one way or another - either through this site, Al-Anon, and counseling - we are finding peace.

Stick around. We would enjoy having you join our family.

[queenofthehwy]

Hey Dotty

I am so glad you found us!!! You will love being here. It has been such a great experience for me.

get some of the hurt and lonelyness out in the open is so good.

And you know what's even better than that? People here actually understand exactly what you are talking about. You don't need to feel like you're the only one that is going through this he!!.

Mindi

[lonlion]

Hi Dotty; I am coming to you from a different perspective. I was drinking too much and my husband was always telling me this. He used to find my empty bottles hidden all over the place. He was going crazy with his codependancy, and driving me crazy and farther away from him as well.

I finally "got it" accepted that I had a drinking problem, accepted that I was an alcoholic. That was in 1996.

I wish that your wife would be willing to email me and we could chat. If you think she would be open to that please feel free to let me know. In the meantime listening to what others here have to say is invaluable. Take care of yourself and your kids.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you
Diana

[ahcb]

Dotty-
First, welcome. Secondly, it is to bad you had to be here. Well i can relate to you. I to have an A for my wife. IN my case she has been sober for about 14-15 months. I understand the not having friends over, or not being able or even want to have a drink for yourself. Mine never hid her problem and she would avg (may actually be low) about 8-10 beers per day. Her drinking atarted at 330 in the afternoon until she had to sleep (passout?) around 9-10pm.

It took a major incident with on of my kids, that got her to see what was wrong and seek the help she needed. It was about a 4week in treatment that seems to have worked. At least for today. If I can make one recommendation-get the kids help NOW.(alanon-alateen-counselor) Sooner rather than later. I thought I could handle it and address their concerns and could not have been more wrong. Even if you think they are fine, get them some help.

The other stuff, lack of sex, trust, hugs etc is par for the course for some. The lack of sex or hugs was not a problem for us but even that was losing appeal. When your 18 you dream of meeting a drunk woman. But you really dont need to meet her for the next 25 years every single day.

There are not many of us guys on this board. The ladies here actually tolerates us pretty well. If you need anyone to talk to you can always pm me . Good luck

[minnie]

Originally Posted by ahcb

The ladies here actually tolerates us pretty well.

I don't know whether you can call me a lady, but I don't just tolerate you guys here, I love having you here! You have such a refreshing perspective on things.

Hope you both stick around.

[cwohio]

i'm with minnie - it is wonderful to have a male point of view even if it has to do with the ugly disease of alcoholism! welcome and stick around dotty - you are now part of our family!

hugs - cwohio

[Dotty]

Guys, thanks so much, I am smiling, a real smile, THANKS. SO many kind words, advice and genuine feelings on my screen, from people who probably have it tougher than me. Thanks for the advice about the children, I will give the alanon-teenager site address to my eldest (now 17). I am able to talk to him about it, he knows his Mum is A, thankfully we walk the dog together and talk and he knows he can talk to me but it may be good for him to chat with other teen agers with same problem, especially as he is not emotionally developed (he has special education needs (as does my other son).

I will vist often, give you a male view, hopefully not too selfish or self centered.

My treat tonight was reading with my youngest son, he has problems with readingGoodnight. Thank again guys
l