New job! New problem
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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New job! New problem
I've decided to take a job after 6 months of unemployment. This could not have been greater news! As luck would have it I was given two offers at the same time. Offer A was more money and a more senior role. But I don't believe I would like the work nor would I have been successful, I simply applied because I was really anxious and needed a job.
Offer B is the one I took. Less money, but I believe I'd be more successful and have a much greater chance at enjoying the work. This is at the same company as my sister works. Sister loathes Abf for obvious reasons and now he feels I took the job because of her and she will try and influence me to leave him and meet guys at the company (i am ready to work not date so his paranoia is invalid). He's also angry because he thinks the role would have too many outside work activities where I have the potential to drink too much and cheat (despite me having no history of doing that). He is livid and is threatening already if I start going to many events than "two can play at that game."
The reaction is obviously due to issues outside of me and I refuse to believe I did anything wrong accepting the offer. I had a lot of depression from all of the job rejection in recent months so having my sister find this for me has been a blessing. Yes I could have gone with the other but the odds of me being happy were smaller. I did what I believed was best.
The day I shared the news with him I got a very scary Mr.Hyde encounter. He told me I'd be a ***** around town and that he knows I'll see an ex and sleep with him because he googled that ex and he has clients in the area I might work in at times (huh??). This was a very anxiety producing experience and took me a bit hard. He also told me I am incapable of making my own decisions and let my sister control me (this isn't true whatsoever).
It's just been a really ugly time since I accepted. We went for a meal tonight and after asking me permission in the car (I hate it and I said I wasn't his sponsor but it's probably not a good idea but he is an adult and can decide for himself) he drank wine like it was water. He even brought me a glass after I asked for just some water. Figured if he brought me one it made it ok for him. He even lied to me and said the first glass spilled at the bar so he didn't drink it (I hate the lying sometimes more than the drinking). The meal was not fun. He says he feels differently about me because I took the job. Just overall ickiness on all counts
I want to talk to him tomorrow about taking time apart or maybe even ending things. I love him even though he is behaving awfully, but I know with this job issue and his own untreated and failed promises for recovery, we are likely days away from another full blown bender and I want to at least get out of the way. I sense when it's coming. I sense when he stops caring. With my recent news it's just another problem he is going to see as needing to numb himself to. The more his mind has to handle pain the more the drink becomes attractive.
Sorry for the long post. Not looking necessarily for advice (we all know what that is
), but just had to vent. I'm scared, but I now know he truly isn't ready for treatment. Not that I didn't before, but I guess you always think the last incident truly had to be too bad to not try and prevent again. It's only been a month and a few days, but that's about the pattern.
Thanks for listening!
Offer B is the one I took. Less money, but I believe I'd be more successful and have a much greater chance at enjoying the work. This is at the same company as my sister works. Sister loathes Abf for obvious reasons and now he feels I took the job because of her and she will try and influence me to leave him and meet guys at the company (i am ready to work not date so his paranoia is invalid). He's also angry because he thinks the role would have too many outside work activities where I have the potential to drink too much and cheat (despite me having no history of doing that). He is livid and is threatening already if I start going to many events than "two can play at that game."
The reaction is obviously due to issues outside of me and I refuse to believe I did anything wrong accepting the offer. I had a lot of depression from all of the job rejection in recent months so having my sister find this for me has been a blessing. Yes I could have gone with the other but the odds of me being happy were smaller. I did what I believed was best.
The day I shared the news with him I got a very scary Mr.Hyde encounter. He told me I'd be a ***** around town and that he knows I'll see an ex and sleep with him because he googled that ex and he has clients in the area I might work in at times (huh??). This was a very anxiety producing experience and took me a bit hard. He also told me I am incapable of making my own decisions and let my sister control me (this isn't true whatsoever).
It's just been a really ugly time since I accepted. We went for a meal tonight and after asking me permission in the car (I hate it and I said I wasn't his sponsor but it's probably not a good idea but he is an adult and can decide for himself) he drank wine like it was water. He even brought me a glass after I asked for just some water. Figured if he brought me one it made it ok for him. He even lied to me and said the first glass spilled at the bar so he didn't drink it (I hate the lying sometimes more than the drinking). The meal was not fun. He says he feels differently about me because I took the job. Just overall ickiness on all counts
I want to talk to him tomorrow about taking time apart or maybe even ending things. I love him even though he is behaving awfully, but I know with this job issue and his own untreated and failed promises for recovery, we are likely days away from another full blown bender and I want to at least get out of the way. I sense when it's coming. I sense when he stops caring. With my recent news it's just another problem he is going to see as needing to numb himself to. The more his mind has to handle pain the more the drink becomes attractive.
Sorry for the long post. Not looking necessarily for advice (we all know what that is
), but just had to vent. I'm scared, but I now know he truly isn't ready for treatment. Not that I didn't before, but I guess you always think the last incident truly had to be too bad to not try and prevent again. It's only been a month and a few days, but that's about the pattern. Thanks for listening!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Smarie...... think I see some glimmerings of you actually beginning to think of your own welfare and happiness.....
That is known as developing ego strength...and, is closely tied to developing self confidence.....
LOL.....just reminding you that it is a thing!
That is known as developing ego strength...and, is closely tied to developing self confidence.....
LOL.....just reminding you that it is a thing!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Congratulations on the new job ! I think you did great choosing between the two options and selecting the one that would fit you best. I just started working part time in my field of work, had been away from it over a year. Its been feeling really good. I wish that for you too.
Sorry all that joy and excitement was not shared by the ABF. I think you have it sorted out as to why. Its so disappointing though. You certainly didnt do anything wrong but instead did everything right to move yourself forward. Keep making good choices for yourself, and thanks for sharing.
Sorry all that joy and excitement was not shared by the ABF. I think you have it sorted out as to why. Its so disappointing though. You certainly didnt do anything wrong but instead did everything right to move yourself forward. Keep making good choices for yourself, and thanks for sharing.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Congratulations on your new job!
You deserve a partner who can share your successes with you and not take them as a personal attack, who can handle life on life's terms, and who doesn't try to tear you down or project his own insecurities on you, but I think you know that your current ABF is not that person. Not right now, and maybe not ever. He's had a million chances to straighten himself out and yet here you are, still.
You deserve a partner who can share your successes with you and not take them as a personal attack, who can handle life on life's terms, and who doesn't try to tear you down or project his own insecurities on you, but I think you know that your current ABF is not that person. Not right now, and maybe not ever. He's had a million chances to straighten himself out and yet here you are, still.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Actually, it sounds to me like the same old problem. This isn't some new development--it's just a different aspect of the same exploitative relationship you've had for a very long time.
Congrats on the job--I hope it inspires you to make other positive changes.
Congrats on the job--I hope it inspires you to make other positive changes.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Congratulations on the new job!
A wonderful door has opened. You can walk through it and enjoy this next part of your life to the fullest or you can crawl toward it with a 200 lb ball and chain wrapped around your leg that will compromise everything about this opportunity.
Your choice, yes?
P.S. You might want to research restraining orders in your locality? It may come in handy,
Also...you paid for that drunk dinner, right?
A wonderful door has opened. You can walk through it and enjoy this next part of your life to the fullest or you can crawl toward it with a 200 lb ball and chain wrapped around your leg that will compromise everything about this opportunity.
Your choice, yes?
P.S. You might want to research restraining orders in your locality? It may come in handy,
Also...you paid for that drunk dinner, right?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
I want to talk to him tomorrow about taking time apart or maybe even ending things. I love him even though he is behaving awfully, but I know with this job issue and his own untreated and failed promises for recovery, we are likely days away from another full blown bender and I want to at least get out of the way. I sense when it's coming. I sense when he stops caring. With my recent news it's just another problem he is going to see as needing to numb himself to. The more his mind has to handle pain the more the drink becomes attractive.
Stop thinking about him and his addiction, get yourself out of the way and stop letting this manipulation run your life....
Only getting one shot at this, keep dodging or get out of the line of fire!
Onwards to life of recovery and all the happiness without this drama
Stop thinking about him and his addiction, get yourself out of the way and stop letting this manipulation run your life....
Only getting one shot at this, keep dodging or get out of the line of fire!
Onwards to life of recovery and all the happiness without this drama
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Thanks all for the replies. No he paid for last nights meal. We usually just switch off and have a decent balance of who pays what - regardless, it just feels very end stage for the relationship. The things he has said to me have been so awful that even his apologies are filled with more terrible things. "I'm really sorry for the hurtful things I said to you. And while I know you disagree, your sister controls you it's actually kind of pathetic? It's very strange".
He's very much behaving like an addict with no responsibility at all. Just cold. I guess I use to feel like I understood him more, I felt closer to him even amidst the bad stuff. I felt like a friend, there through the worst of it. Now I just don't understand any of him. I really dislike the person he is. The attitude he has of being ok being hurtful to me just to protect his own insecurity.
Ah well, he said it himself that we aren't going to last because of the job (ah not the addiction or marriage of course), and that he's prepared and already moving on. Oddly enough, I was relieved to hear that? I know it's wrong, but it felt like dare I say....permission to end it. I know it's a terrible thing to say you need permission, but I'm trying to be honest. This is a huge challenge for me in life, needing "permission". Being unable to end anything without permission or insurance that I can from that person or entity. Its my number one issue I am working on in my recovery. Heck I had an incident with my 7 year old nephew that was very similar. That's when you know it's bad. (It was time for us to leave the pool yet I had to make sure he felt ok about that decision) (wtf??)
It's a beautiful weekend that I can't wait to be over.
He's very much behaving like an addict with no responsibility at all. Just cold. I guess I use to feel like I understood him more, I felt closer to him even amidst the bad stuff. I felt like a friend, there through the worst of it. Now I just don't understand any of him. I really dislike the person he is. The attitude he has of being ok being hurtful to me just to protect his own insecurity.
Ah well, he said it himself that we aren't going to last because of the job (ah not the addiction or marriage of course), and that he's prepared and already moving on. Oddly enough, I was relieved to hear that? I know it's wrong, but it felt like dare I say....permission to end it. I know it's a terrible thing to say you need permission, but I'm trying to be honest. This is a huge challenge for me in life, needing "permission". Being unable to end anything without permission or insurance that I can from that person or entity. Its my number one issue I am working on in my recovery. Heck I had an incident with my 7 year old nephew that was very similar. That's when you know it's bad. (It was time for us to leave the pool yet I had to make sure he felt ok about that decision) (wtf??)
It's a beautiful weekend that I can't wait to be over.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Smarie...I think it is a good sign for you to be able to identify and express the negative effects that you are feeling....even if it is just to yourself and us, for now.....
suggestion....maybe you could write each such negative feeling on paper...every time you recognize one....
for example....
"I did not enjoy our dinner out."
"I dislike the person he is"'
"I am relieved that he is moving on"
"I hate when he asks me permission to drink"
"I hate when he uses me as an excuse to drink"
Your list will grow in length (good). Read your list every day and try to consciously recall what that negative feeling felt like.....
It will help with reprogramming you brain.....after about three weeks.....
I am sending you a PM......
suggestion....maybe you could write each such negative feeling on paper...every time you recognize one....
for example....
"I did not enjoy our dinner out."
"I dislike the person he is"'
"I am relieved that he is moving on"
"I hate when he asks me permission to drink"
"I hate when he uses me as an excuse to drink"
Your list will grow in length (good). Read your list every day and try to consciously recall what that negative feeling felt like.....
It will help with reprogramming you brain.....after about three weeks.....
I am sending you a PM......
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Congrats on the new job Smarie. It sounds like you made a good decision.
I so get the needing permission thing. I struggle with my older sister. Our relationship started falling apart years ago. At the time, I really struggles and wanted to fix things. Finally after much thought I called her and offered to travel to where she lived (A full day of flights away) and see a counselor with her. She said, "That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard." As harsh as her response was, it somehow gave me the permission I needed to stop trying. I wouldn't have stopped without this verbal two by four between the eyes.
Courage to you for whatever the next few days bring.
I so get the needing permission thing. I struggle with my older sister. Our relationship started falling apart years ago. At the time, I really struggles and wanted to fix things. Finally after much thought I called her and offered to travel to where she lived (A full day of flights away) and see a counselor with her. She said, "That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard." As harsh as her response was, it somehow gave me the permission I needed to stop trying. I wouldn't have stopped without this verbal two by four between the eyes.
Courage to you for whatever the next few days bring.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Smarie, he's probably right that you're moving on now, even if he frames it around you cheating on him or being controlled. You've been gradually pulling away for a while, and a job with money and a new group of people in your life may accelerate that process. Your thoughts won't be centred around him any more.
Be a bit careful please because that sort of paranoid possessiveness may get dangerous. You're instincts are already on alert so don't ignore them. Stay safe.
Best of luck with the job and I hope it's a new era for you.
Be a bit careful please because that sort of paranoid possessiveness may get dangerous. You're instincts are already on alert so don't ignore them. Stay safe.
Best of luck with the job and I hope it's a new era for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Smarie,
Good for you on taking the job he didn't want you to take.... that is taking your power back!!!
This is behavior of a 13 year old, just rediculous. What partner would not be happy for their significant other who got a job after 6 months? Do not allow him to sabotage this opportunity for you. This is such typical alcoholic behavior. They just suck the joy out of everything around them. Can't be happy for anyone besides their self absorbed selves.
You see the binge coming. Hon, he can use this Monday's eclipse as an excuse to drink, as not having sun for 2 minutes, over whelmed, he's depressed and he will drink. Old news and you know that. Tell him if he binges again to loose your number!!
The sooner you start working, become independent, start enjoying life without him, he will get it. You are done with him and he sees it coming. You don't need him anymore, you have moved on. But I am calling it out right now, he will probably be engaged in less then 6 months. (Even though he is still married) Just warning you, as to not take anything personally.
Keep moving in the right direction and eventually you will be farther and farther apart. He will never catch up to you. Hugs!!
Good for you on taking the job he didn't want you to take.... that is taking your power back!!!
This is behavior of a 13 year old, just rediculous. What partner would not be happy for their significant other who got a job after 6 months? Do not allow him to sabotage this opportunity for you. This is such typical alcoholic behavior. They just suck the joy out of everything around them. Can't be happy for anyone besides their self absorbed selves.
You see the binge coming. Hon, he can use this Monday's eclipse as an excuse to drink, as not having sun for 2 minutes, over whelmed, he's depressed and he will drink. Old news and you know that. Tell him if he binges again to loose your number!!
The sooner you start working, become independent, start enjoying life without him, he will get it. You are done with him and he sees it coming. You don't need him anymore, you have moved on. But I am calling it out right now, he will probably be engaged in less then 6 months. (Even though he is still married) Just warning you, as to not take anything personally.
Keep moving in the right direction and eventually you will be farther and farther apart. He will never catch up to you. Hugs!!
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Thanks so much for all the caring and insightful post.
Forever - I have been with this man for 2.5 years who had been separated and estranged from his wife for two years prior to us meeting. They remained married for immigration and when we met they had not even lived in the same house for years, and both had been dating other people. I am not justifying this but I am also not running around with a married man in the sense that he cheated on her with me. This is something I always clarify. Again, it's not saying it is ok to be with a man not legally divorced yet, but it was not a cheating situation.
Forever - I have been with this man for 2.5 years who had been separated and estranged from his wife for two years prior to us meeting. They remained married for immigration and when we met they had not even lived in the same house for years, and both had been dating other people. I am not justifying this but I am also not running around with a married man in the sense that he cheated on her with me. This is something I always clarify. Again, it's not saying it is ok to be with a man not legally divorced yet, but it was not a cheating situation.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Someone said this guy was married. I don't know the history of that, but I can say that his behavior (blowing up when you start detaching/lessening codependent behavior) is very much like what my STBAXH was like when we were together. My guy and your guy are and were being controlling because they think they are losing their enabler. I don't know if you were ever his enabler, I'm just assuming you were, because addicts tend to "make" people take on that role... if not find people who already have that tendency. Near the end of our relationship, I started doing some work once a week. I wanted to get away from constantly having to clean up my STBAXH's messes. He thought this was great because more income meant that we had more money for HIM to "borrow". He also said it was great because it was "empowering" for me to do my own thing. BUT oddly, he also was dismissive of my work actually being "work". He thought it was easy and it meant I would still have the same amount of time and energy for everything else I used to do; and he also was dismissive of any research/prep I did for the job. The more I tried to have my own life, the more he started insinuating that I was 1) cheating, 2) not interested in him, 3) did not care about him... etc. It was exhausting. Addict behavioral problems. Yet he spent hours and hours online chatting with strangers when I *did* have time for him. So whatever time I *did* spend with him, it was always on his terms. Addiction is a selfish disease/condition.
I think your ABF will only become more controlling as time goes by. He feels like he's losing control of the situation. His life already is out of control, hence the drinking. He knows this. So he will try to control you. It's getting dangerous. Get out. Get out before it's unsafe for you to be with him.
I think your ABF will only become more controlling as time goes by. He feels like he's losing control of the situation. His life already is out of control, hence the drinking. He knows this. So he will try to control you. It's getting dangerous. Get out. Get out before it's unsafe for you to be with him.
Last edited by OpheliaKatz; 08-20-2017 at 07:44 AM. Reason: wrong word
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Oh okay. I think aside from the "married" thing, which is problematic by itself (not because of the moral implications, I'm not going there), but because you don't know that even if he were sober, he would get divorced ever and fully commit to you... but mainly, him being an addict does not make him good relationship material.
Someone on this site once said, "just because he's a recovering addict, doesn't mean he's good relationship material." I forgot who said that. It really meant something to me. Maybe it will help you?
One more thing... I don't know what the laws are where you live, but in some countries it is not easy to get a divorce. For example, in Australia they make you separate for 12 months before you can file papers, and you have to wait 3 to 4 months for the papers to be filed. So you could be single for 16 months after your marriage ends, but not be officially "divorced". It's probably good because it encourages people who are considering divorce to reflect on themselves. I also know someone who had an affair with a man who was separated from his wife but not divorced and his excuse was that he was "Catholic". As far as I know, the Catholic church allows annulment. So I think his excuse was rubbish.
Someone on this site once said, "just because he's a recovering addict, doesn't mean he's good relationship material." I forgot who said that. It really meant something to me. Maybe it will help you?
One more thing... I don't know what the laws are where you live, but in some countries it is not easy to get a divorce. For example, in Australia they make you separate for 12 months before you can file papers, and you have to wait 3 to 4 months for the papers to be filed. So you could be single for 16 months after your marriage ends, but not be officially "divorced". It's probably good because it encourages people who are considering divorce to reflect on themselves. I also know someone who had an affair with a man who was separated from his wife but not divorced and his excuse was that he was "Catholic". As far as I know, the Catholic church allows annulment. So I think his excuse was rubbish.
Originally Posted by Smarie78 
Thanks so much for all the caring and insightful post.
Forever - I have been with this man for 2.5 years who had been separated and estranged from his wife for two years prior to us meeting. They remained married for immigration and when we met they had not even lived in the same house for years, and both had been dating other people. I am not justifying this but I am also not running around with a married man in the sense that he cheated on her with me. This is something I always clarify. Again, it's not saying it is ok to be with a man not legally divorced yet, but it was not a cheating situation.
Forever - I have been with this man for 2.5 years who had been separated and estranged from his wife for two years prior to us meeting. They remained married for immigration and when we met they had not even lived in the same house for years, and both had been dating other people. I am not justifying this but I am also not running around with a married man in the sense that he cheated on her with me. This is something I always clarify. Again, it's not saying it is ok to be with a man not legally divorced yet, but it was not a cheating situation.
Last edited by OpheliaKatz; 08-20-2017 at 07:51 AM. Reason: marriage issue
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Originally Posted by Smarie78
I know it's wrong, but it felt like dare I say....permission to end it. I know it's a terrible thing to say you need permission, but I'm trying to be honest. This is a huge challenge for me in life, needing "permission". Being unable to end anything without permission or insurance that I can from that person or entity. Its my number one issue I am working on in my recovery.
On the other hand, if *this* is what it takes for you to finally walk away from this situation to be able to move on in new ways, then I say - whatever works. We each bottom out differently.
Either way - I hope you can start moving forward. The only thing worse than staying stagnant is regressing into your dysfunction & IMO the regression is inevitable when you sit in that stagnation for too long no matter what. Best to move in ANY direction, good luck!
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