CocoLoco612

It has been about 16 months since I was finally pushed over the edge. Our divorce finalized last November. Since then, he has been in two treatments, on top of the 6 while we were married. I know I am better off without him in my life, but I don't know how to move forward.

I have such an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I can't explain why. I know I didn't do anything, he is an alcoholic. Nothing I did caused it, nothing I can do will change it.

I am in a new relationship. He is great, loving and supportive. He is aware of my current struggles and my difficult past. I am very happy and looking forward to a future with him. I don't want my ex back. I just can't figure out how to let go of the guilt. I feel like I have the life now that we were suppose to have together.

He wasn't all bad. Our life together wasn't all bad. He has a very good heart. I still find myself trying to defend him when someone reminds me of what my life was like back then. Always on edge, never able to really relax waiting for the next bottle to drop. I still struggle with the aftermath of living with an alcoholic for so many years.

I no longer communicate with him. Every few months I may get a friendly text from him. I heard he was sober a few months ago, not sure his status now. It shouldn't matter I guess.

maia1234

Coco,

I am one of those people who it has taken a very long to get over my axh (34 years together, almost 3 years divorced).

In my opinion, It sounds like you are "rushing" into another relationship and not taking the time to understand what you truly went through. I also felt like I had PTSD, after dealing so long with my addict, as it has truly affected me as a person. You might also have those symptoms.

The pain, guilt, anger and all the other feelings that you are feeling is normal. It has taken a lot of my time to remove him from the "front burner" in my life. Time is the only thing that has helped me move forward. Give yourself that time to heal, as you are worth it. You want to be fully present in your new relationship, but I see that you are stuck in the old one.

Step back, embrace where you are, embrace that you loved this man and it's ok to let him go, and that he can take care of himself.

Forcing a solution is never is a good answer to anything, as it always back fires. Accept where you are, make peace with it and slowly move forward. Hugs!!

hearthealth

Hi CL, It sounds like you are still greiving your loss. Guilt is very common in the greiving process.

I still grieve the loss of my mother and have moments of guilt even though I did all I could.

I have to be gentle with myself as I work through and accept this new life. Best wishes

dandylion

C L.........At this point, I suggest that it would be appropriate to see the help of a professional therapist....
Yes, I suspect that you are still grieving, to a degree...but, when a person gets "stuck" as you describe, the merciful thing to do for yourself is to get the kind of help and support that you need....

Maia makes a good point, I think....that you can't forge a healthy relationship with someone else while you are still stuck in the past one.......

Bekindalways

CL, I'm sad to say it took me three years to be okay after leaving a 5 year relationship with an addict. We never married and it still took that long. Perhaps I could have done something to heal faster. I know most people do but it truly took that long for me.

It is so so so hard. Let us know how you get on.

Matt5150

I currently have an ex wife in rehab. I still love her to death. We were divorced 4 years ago. We have a 15 year old daughter together. My only desire right now is to help her and support her. I want an opportunity to have a relationship with the woman I married before alcohol took control of her. Its very difficult. I see my therapist often. Not sure if it is helping. I to know that I will never give up on is.

MsPINKAcres

what I learned & am learning in my recovery journey is there is a difference between "guilt" & "unrealistic guilt"

what I kept beating myself up over was a lot of unrealistic guilt - I felt badly for things that happened to the A's in my life but realistically I had NOTHING to do with those events. Things that happened or situations that they found themselves in had nothing to do with me, it was their journey.

For me, it was part of my illusion of control - thinking I could help, prevent or change their path -
silly me - I'm not that powerful. (lol)

What helped was doing a list with my Sponsor of what I felt guilty about & really looking at what I actually was my fault. It was very revealing.

I wish you peace and the ability to know it's not your fault.

PINK Hugs

Matt5150

Hi Pink. What do you mean by the A's in your life?

CocoLoco612

Thank you all for your thoughts. I do see a therapist. He and I actually started going to her together a little over two years ago. She knows him, which I like. She reminds me of how he sat on her couch with and point blank said he didn't want to be sober and would never go to recovery again. That was four recovery facilities ago. I am planning on going to my first Alanon meeting tomorrow night.

I like exploring the guilt vs unrealistic guilt. THANKS!!!

dandylion

CL.....I'm sorry for my suggestion. I did not know you were seeing a therapist, already!

CocoLoco612

@dandylion - no worries at all. It is a good reminder of how important therapy is in my recovery.

MsPINKAcres

Matt5150
The A's in my refer to the many family members in my life that are affected by Alcoholism & addiction.

I have multiple. (Ex Husband, brother who's in recovery, a daughter, step son and a few others)