SaveYourHeart

atalose, while I may have drafted my divorce, I've never printed it on filing paper, so that's a first, I have never taken a genuine step towards divorce, so I do think this is progress for me. The only time he's ever quit drinking was for about 2 months the one and only time I left him.

Anvil, you're right. Recovery is a process, for both of us. Maybe we'll revisit our relationship when we're both better, but for now I need to get better on my own. I can't live like this anymore.

atalose

I know I was stuck in the, had enough and would leave – then would listened to his words of and about his recovery – and always went back to quickly and always before he or I had any real recovery under our belts.

I think it is wise that you focus on you getting better and keep moving forward.

tomsteve

it seems like this would be a little proof of how good an ultimatum would work.

ive been given ultimatums and stopped drinking.
until the heat was off.
sometimes didnt stop drinking- just tried to hide it.
or switched to smokin pot.

atalose said,"then would listened to his words of and about his recovery."
i dont think its uncommon for an alcoholic to be good at manipulation and smooth talking. seems that through our years of drinking we take notes at what words do and dont work.
yet dont pay much attention to our actions.

healthyagain

Looking back now, I would say that I did give an ultimatum, but it was more of an ultimatum I gave to myself (although I thought back then that it was one for him). If he does not do this . . . or that . . . or if he keeps doing this, I will . . . Now that I have experienced the power of addiction and saw how much one can lose in not even 2 years (my ex got a divorce, then started spiraling out of control, went only God knows how many times to ER, lost his job, car, the apartment, and now is back living with his mom), I am really wondering if and how that ultimatum would change anything, because he was going down, and the only thing I could do was let go and save myself. The ultimatum did not "work," so I really had to leave.

Whatever you do, learn about the addiction and the effect it has on everybody around the addict. Then make an informed decision. Empty threats won't work.

Bekindalways

Hi SYH.

I never gave my qualifier an ultimatum. He was from an alcoholic family. He was smart. I figured if the experience of his life didn't get him to understand where he was headed then there were certainly no words I could say that would make him understand nor motivate him to change course.

Actually for me, it wasn't the drugs that made me leave; it was his promises to stop. These promises stank to the high heavens. He didn't want help. He didn't want to reveal much of himself to me. I left. It had been a 5 year relationship and leaving was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.

Courage and peace to you lady!