itsjustmeSal

I posted a couple of days ago about dealing with my husband's addiction to alcohol for 20 years. It's a crazy rollercoaster ride because he goes on these 2-3 week binges and then he stops for 1-2 weeks. After I wrote in last time I think he might have sensed that I'm nearing the end of my rope and he decided once again to stop. He normally goes through 3-5 nights of no sleep, feels like crap, and can't concentrate, which I believe is typical when you stop cold turkey. All the while, he is taking Lorazapam to control his anxiety and to help sleep. He had gone to rehab once and swears to never go again, will not go to meetings anymore (he seems to think that it's not the place for him) and he won't seek counseling. This leaves him with quitting on his own with no professional help. There is no talking to him so I just let him do what he feels is best for him.

It kills me to see him so sick but I dont know what to say. He is always so surprised when he"can't sleep" & "feels so anxious". I once told him that those are signs of withdrawls and he got so mad at me, saying "it always comes down to drinking as far as you are concerned"!

How do I support him when he's in pain, and sick (besides saying I love you)? I feel like everything I say is so offensive. Example :"I'm proud of you", "good job"

SparkleKitty

Focus on taking caring of yourself, Sal. He's made it clear he doesn't want help.

atalose

I agree, focus on you and not on him. He doesn’t need a cheerleader and any of your comments regarding anything to do with him not drinking isn’t helpful as you are learning, so steer clear of it. Can’t the fact you remain with him be enough support right now?
Have you given al-anon any thought for you?

maia1234

Sal,
Its hard to understand, as us codies try.... His sobriety or drunkeness is none of our business. I know you want to be supportive, but is it getting you anywhere? Him white knuckling it is not true recovery. Growing up, sobering up and working a program is true recovery. I am happy for "you" that he is trying not to drink, but that is not the big picture. Do you really think you are going to finally find happiness with a dry drunk? Same characteristics, same behavior??

Have you hit any alanon meetings or open aa meetings. Are you seeking out a therapist to help you? Are you truly educating yourself about addiction? When you finally understand this nasty disease you will understand that the drinking part is only the icing on the cake, you need to fix the cake.

I am sorry Sal to be so tough. We all come to this web site looking for those words on "how to get our addict sober and live happily ever after." Those words don't exist. But what we do find is understanding and compassion, for them and ourselves. We find out how much you really can take before your own breaking point... they are doing great but you are the crazy out of control wife.

Keep reading this forum. Go over to the Alcoholics forum or the new to recovery forum. See if you recognize any of the traits those members are working to stay, sober in your husband. Those people are fighting tooth and nail for their sobriety. From what your posting, sounds like AH is only trying to stay sober to please his wife. Won't seek counseling, finds everything you say offensive, swears to never go back to rehab. These are true signs he is just not truly committed to do this yet.

Work on yourself my friend, and life will get better for you, if it is with him or without him. Hugs!!

dandylion

itisjustmeSal......there is nothing you can do. What you do when you make the efforts to "help" is to make yourself a moving target for him to deflect blame onto and to resent......and, who does that help?---no one!

I know that that answer is counterintuitive to the conventional wisdom that has been taught to us, about how relationships work....
There are two things that turn all the usual "rules" topsy-turvy...and, that is addictions and abuse.....Who knew?

It will help, to some extent if you learn how to detach from him and any alcoholic behaviors.....(a technique learned in alanon, therapy and from other SR members). Detaching is a tool to help make your life more bearable...to give you a little emotional space and a modicum of peace, and some more control over your environment.....but, it is not a total answer to a miserable marriage.....

No doubt about it....living with a practicing alcoholic....or even a "dry drunk" is really, really, hard. Most can't do it ( I can't...lol).

One has to come to a decision about what one can, and will be willing, to live with....

In my opinion, I think the best thing that a person can do is to be willing to get help.....through study and education on one hand and from the resources of alanon (or similar group), personal counseling, and other professionals who are specially trained...on the other hand.....

I suggest that you use this forum to learn everything you can about co-dependency and alcoholism.....
go to the "stickies" at the top of the fain page--just above the threads---and find the one that is called "Classic Readings"....and, read some every day....there are dozens of articles, written by those who been on this journey....
(It is the best collection of knowledge that I have ever seen on the subject)
Knowledge is power.

This forum contains thousands...yes, thousands....of real life stories of those who have walked this path....
Read them.....as you are sure to find your own situation, over and over.....

At the bottom line...your life and happiness is in your own hands...and, it hinges on the decisions that you make....you have to take care of your own welfare.....

BlownOne

will not go to meetings anymore (he seems to think that it's not the place for him) and he won't seek counseling.

Translation: I don't really believe I have a problem and I don't want to quit.

Maudcat

Take care of yourself, stay safe, get some support, like Al-Anon or therapy.
Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your husband wants to change his ways.

aliciagr

My husband was up and down in his drug/alcohol use for a time, and one thing I needed to remember was that even though he had withdrawn the substances it didnt mean he was able to think clearly, make rational or healthy decisions. The substances affect the pathways of the brain and it takes time to heal. Bing type behavior doesnt allow time for true healing. Although at certain points it was the best time for me to talk to him.

I agree with the other posters. Read around the forum especially the Newcomers section. It can be helpful for family members to see the various methods that people use to help them change their behaviors and deal with addiction. AA is but one tool, and there are plenty of options out there. (my husband uses therapy) In my opinion, most should start with their primary care doctor, or one who specialized in substance abuse. Reading about other people struggles to quit can also help family understand how complicated it is even when someone it trying to modify behavior. Ive got a lot of good info from the Newcomers section and their heartfelt posts asking for support.

Make taking care of yourself a priority. Reach out to supportive family or friends and dont isolate yourself. I did this and it was very damaging to me. I also turned to professional help which gave me a broad perspective on what my husband was going through, and helped me learn coping skills, and firmly get a grasp on my emotions. Professionals will often offer suggestions on how to motivate a spouse, best ways to discuss the topic, and what treatment options might be available in your area for addiction, and dual diagnosis issues. There is nothing wrong with wanting to help someone you love get proper medical care. But, the danger lies in making it an obsession and forgetting about your own life. Think about what you want, and what you need. We are responsible for your own happiness.

itsjustmeSal

Yes good point. You are right.