New and so lost

Old 08-13-2017, 09:48 AM
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New and so lost

Hi everyone!

I am so lost right now, I don't know which way to turn and I am praying that reaching out to a community that has been through the same type of situation will give me the strength to actually go through with this and not run back to him like I always end up doing.

My husband is an alcoholic and a heroin addict (I am 3 years sober from heroin addiction myself). He went away to prison and came out and things were going great until he started using and drinking again. I kept begging, pleading, arguing, A little over a week ago he got completely wasted and did as many drugs as possible and was so verbally abusive towards me that I walked out the door and left. I am blessed that I was able to call my family and say "I need to get out of here" and I was able to hop on a plane and go back to my family home.

I am so conflicted right now, from the second I walked out the door I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Everyone that runs into me comments on how I look so much happier and just better overall (even though I haven't even been gone a week). The problem is I just cannot picture myself never speaking or seeing him ever again. I just cannot fathom a life without him in it, even though the life that I would have if I stayed would never be the life that I know I deserve. I am 25 years old, I want to be able to have a family and live a normal life! I struggle with "if I could get sober so can he". I hate this so bad. When he is sober he is the most amazing man I have ever met, but when he drinks or uses he is so emotionally abusive that sometimes I swear I am in a health class movie showing kids what emotional abuse is. If I said hello to someone I was sleeping with them, if a number calls the phone he didn't know I must be secretly talking to someone, if I use the internet he would check the history to see every move I made, if he wanted something done I had to do it instantly or he would claim I didn't love him, etc.

I have given up everything for him. I no longer have a car because he totaled it, I do not have a job because he is so jealous and controlling and my credit is ruined. Thank God I was able to move back home 12 hours away from where we were living together.

I know I did the right thing leaving but it kills me to know I will never see him again. I am starting off at square one and it is making me so depressed. I should have a whole life established by now but instead I have nothing. Urgh.

Thank you for reading!
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Old 08-13-2017, 10:34 AM
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Hi MadelineRose and welcome, sorry for what has brought you here.

I’m betting that there was a time when you couldn’t fathom life without booze in it either and look at you today, 3 years without it!!! That is fantastic. Keep up the good work.

I think you did the most healthiest thing you could possible do was to leave that crazy situation and into the arms of a loving family. Now it’s time to work on staying gone and not going back because you already know what’s back there and it certainly doesn’t look appeasing or promising.

Keep posting, keep reading, go hit up some meetings, Al-anon or AA and try and reach inward for that same strength and courage that has helped you overcome the alcohol. It’s not worth jeopardizing your own sobriety to hang onto someone who doesn’t respect that or you and is showing you they are not interested in giving up the booze/drugs.
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Old 08-13-2017, 10:36 AM
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MadelineRose, welcome to SR and congratulations on staying clean even through this horrible time in your life. I'm so glad you found us here and I hope you continue to read and post. I received so much support and education from the members here and hope you feel the same after you've been around for a while.

I'm so glad to hear that you were able to recognize the need to leave AND that you had the means to do so. Please continue to stay safe and again, post and read as much as you can/want to. We are all here for you.

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Old 08-13-2017, 10:41 AM
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Hello and welcome to SR.
So glad you found your way here.
Just keep in mind. Square 1 is better than square 0.
You should be proud of yourself for taking that BIG step,getting out of a bad situation and are taking control of your life.
Don't be depressed about past things. Be excited about a future that will be much more fruitful.
Many here do just that.
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Old 08-13-2017, 11:20 AM
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Sending you a hug.

At 25, I had just left my husband and had a grand total of $436 in my checking account. I remember it vividly...that feeling of failure and comparing myself to where I "should" be.

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to do that, that wonderful things lay ahead, and I would look back and be so grateful I ended a miserable marriage.

I can't...but I can tell you.

Make a new and wonderful life for yourself! You have family that has your back and a place to begin again. Mourn your lost hopes for him but try not to hold your future hostage to your past, yes?

Sending you a hug.
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Old 08-13-2017, 02:17 PM
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Hi MadelineRose

I'm sorrry for what you are experiencing

I have experience dealing with an addict who used Heroin & alcohol I have never been addicted to or used heroin myself

First I'd like to say that your only 25 years old. You have your entire life ahead of you. You also must be a strong determined woman because you are sober from heroin use for years.

I just want you to consider a few things

Your relationship with your addict got bad enough that you quickly left your home got on a plane & left the relationship

I've seen heroin & alcohol use it isn't a pretty sight. It's not something you can build a future with.

Also for you being in recovery for heroin use isn't it difficult for you to be in a relationship with an active heroin addict?

I totally understand & feel your pain when you said you may never see him again. I'm going through similar pain now.

He can't choose you. He can only choose his drugs. By going back you are just setting yourself up for a world of hurt or maybe worse a relapse on your part

I'm not telling you what to do only you can decide but for me it got to be much more painful to continue being with her than the pain of being without her. The pain of being without her is terribly hard I am not minimizing that pain

I'm so sorry for your situation. You do have youth & great inner strength (you kicked heroin) on your side. You also have your family who seems to care

I wish you all the best
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Old 08-14-2017, 03:23 AM
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Hi MR, huge respect to you for your 3 years clean, especially while living with an addict. Its a sad situation when one half of a couple is able to recover while the partner can't make it. Don't let anything come before your recovery.

The part about his possessiveness is a real red flag, and could become dangerous, especially now you've left. I'm glad you're a long way away.

I know it's hard, but why not give yourself some time to gain perspective on what's happened? I think over time you'll be glad you left when you did.

Very few 25 year olds have everything in place, but if that is your goal, start now. The days go slow but the years fly by. Work out what you want to do with your life and go for it.
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Old 08-14-2017, 05:11 AM
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Like when we get sober, it's a day at a time. This too can be a day at a time, until you are comfortable enough with reality without him (like the reality of being clean and sober) that forever seems like a pretty good thing and no longer has ear attached to it.

In the meantime I'd suggest blocking his number so that he cannot call or text you, or contact you via social media. Tell mutual friends that if they relay messages about him then you will not be able to speak to them for a while.

I think that people with addictive natures can easily get a bit addicted to unhealthy relationships. The drama. The excitement. The hope and false illusion of being The One. The one person that understands this person. The one person they turn to. The person they love and want SO much that it makes them behave like a madman. And like all addictions, this has a large risk attached and a heavy price to pay.

I hope that you will lan into your fears, see help if necessary (CoDa or AlAnon) and stick close to those who love you and can demonstrate this in healthy and positive ways.

Take care. BB
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Old 08-15-2017, 04:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post

I think that people with addictive natures can easily get a bit addicted to unhealthy relationships. The drama. The excitement. The hope and false illusion of being The One. The one person that understands this person. The one person they turn to. The person they love and want SO much that it makes them behave like a madman. And like all addictions, this has a large risk attached and a heavy price to pay.
you just described my thought process during the last couple years to a T. urgh I completely lost myself in the process but am working on moving forward and finding myself again.
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Old 08-15-2017, 04:51 PM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Hi MR, huge respect to you for your 3 years clean, especially while living with an addict. Its a sad situation when one half of a couple is able to recover while the partner can't make it. Don't let anything come before your recovery.

The part about his possessiveness is a real red flag, and could become dangerous, especially now you've left. I'm glad you're a long way away.

I know it's hard, but why not give yourself some time to gain perspective on what's happened? I think over time you'll be glad you left when you did.

Very few 25 year olds have everything in place, but if that is your goal, start now. The days go slow but the years fly by. Work out what you want to do with your life and go for it.
I am so grateful for the 12 hour long drive between us. It got to the point where I would dread someone talking to me at a store, on a bus, on a line checking out because of what he might say. I wouldn't even keep my phone on me because I didn't want him to accuse me of secretly talking to someone... I have only been gone a week and I swear I feel like the last couple years were a movie. When I am in front of him I turn into a version of me I never want to become again.
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Old 08-15-2017, 06:02 PM
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Originally Posted by MadelineRose View Post
I have given up everything for him.
My question is, how much more of yourself are you willing to give up?

Your hope? self-respect? your physical and mental health? chance for happiness? sense of safety? a calm home?
I lost all of these after going back.

We can give endlessly into a bottomless pit, and empty ourselves out, but it helps nothing in the end. We never get the reward we are seeking and we have extinguished ourselves along the way.

I stayed with my ex for 10 years. I had a chance to leave about a year in...but I went back and it was one of the worst, most detrimental mistakes of my life. And guess what? It was all futile.

Towards the end, a good friend kept telling me to look at how badly I had been affected and to imagine another 10 years. And then another 10. When I played it out in my mind, it was like a reality check, I was terrified at what I saw.

I know you have a lot to overcome, and you may not believe you are strong enough, but you are. You CAN put yourself first and create a happier life for yourself, a life you truly enjoy, a life that makes you feel well. Find other people who are positive and actively working on healing, learn from them. Focus inward, keep healing and getting stronger. You can do this. I am rooting for you.
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Old 08-15-2017, 06:22 PM
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Originally Posted by resolute50 View Post
Just keep in mind. Square 1 is better than square 0.
.
I am going to keep repeating that sentence to myself over and over again. Thank you for that.
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