Regret marrying an alcoholic?
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz 
This quote below, is the thing I have trouble with the most. I keep fantasizing about AH being sober and magically coming back into my life as a sober, functioning, emotionally intelligent person. If I could hang those words around my neck, I would. (Well, I can, but then my business would be everyone's business).
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
pagirl, I say this strictly from my own experience, and my own context, and in response to your question about regret.
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.
Perhaps you are not yet ready to leave/separate. That's fine, of course. But do NOT entangle yourself with him further. Listen to your gut right now--that same gut that is telling you DON'T try on wedding dresses. Don't allow the random selection of a wedding date 9 months from now keep you from doing the work you need to do, to decide what you want for your own life.
And I echo your suspicion and what others have said about not having children with this man. I am forever tied to my AXH, because we have a son together. Every single day I worry about that little boy's future--about how it will impact him to have a genetic predisposition to addiction, about how it will impact him to have a father still active in his alcoholism, about how it will feel for him to have his own father fade away into the oblivion at the bottom of a can of PBR.
If you're struggling with the concept of ending the relationship, you have the right to put a pin in that and just BE for awhile, while you get your head on straight. But please, please do NOT get married. Even if he straightens up TOMORROW, do not get married in 9 months.
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.
Perhaps you are not yet ready to leave/separate. That's fine, of course. But do NOT entangle yourself with him further. Listen to your gut right now--that same gut that is telling you DON'T try on wedding dresses. Don't allow the random selection of a wedding date 9 months from now keep you from doing the work you need to do, to decide what you want for your own life.
And I echo your suspicion and what others have said about not having children with this man. I am forever tied to my AXH, because we have a son together. Every single day I worry about that little boy's future--about how it will impact him to have a genetic predisposition to addiction, about how it will impact him to have a father still active in his alcoholism, about how it will feel for him to have his own father fade away into the oblivion at the bottom of a can of PBR.
If you're struggling with the concept of ending the relationship, you have the right to put a pin in that and just BE for awhile, while you get your head on straight. But please, please do NOT get married. Even if he straightens up TOMORROW, do not get married in 9 months.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
before reading your post - I posted about marrying my ex ah & knowing the night before that I shouldn't.
It was a long 17 years & then still after that because most of the time when you divorce an AH - they don't go away easily or without a fight.
There is nothing wrong with a postponement - you may not be ready to walk away yet, but there is no reason to rush into something your not 100% sure either.
Wishing you the best
It was a long 17 years & then still after that because most of the time when you divorce an AH - they don't go away easily or without a fight.
There is nothing wrong with a postponement - you may not be ready to walk away yet, but there is no reason to rush into something your not 100% sure either.
Wishing you the best
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Boulder, Colorado
Posts: 22
Oh I can certainly relate to this. For starters, yes, I regret marrying my AH. When we were dating and engaged, I was extremely naive about his drinking problem and he was also very good at hiding the details. It was something he admitted to 'overdoing' in college and despite there being some definite red flags along the way, I kept moving forward with things and convincing myself that everything was fine.
It wasn't. AH gave me the runaround about not needing any kind of help, that he could manage everything on his own and boy oh boy was he ever convincing! AH did a stint in a detox facility back in 2011. After that, he went through all the motions of doing AA and basically putting on a good show until he thought no one was paying attention anymore and declared he was "over it" with AA and "didn't need to go anymore".
He started drinking again. A DUI in 2014 required 18 months of sobriety. He started drinking again immediately after probation was over in late 2015. His drinking was at an all time nightmarish level in 2016. Basically the entire year was punctuated with drunken incidents where he was absolute terror to live with and caused such an incredible amount of stress in my life worrying about what he was doing or what kind of trouble he was exposing us to. In May of this year, he was in such a drunken rage at home that the police were called and he was arrested. It's a long story for another post, but that was the second alcohol related arrest in three years and he STILL isn't making the connection that he needs serious help. The only reason he isn't drinking right now is because he's on the hook for mandatory random drug and alcohol tests for the next two years. Once that ban is lifted, I'll be 0% surprised if he starts drinking again.
We've been married for nine years and I look back on all of it with so much regret. My life isn't where I thought it would be. If I could go back and listen to my gut when those red flags started popping up, I would have done things so much differently. I know you love your fiance, but love yourself first. Insist on your own happiness. If you have doubts, if that little voice in your head is telling you to think twice - listen. Don't get yourself entangled in this any further.
It wasn't. AH gave me the runaround about not needing any kind of help, that he could manage everything on his own and boy oh boy was he ever convincing! AH did a stint in a detox facility back in 2011. After that, he went through all the motions of doing AA and basically putting on a good show until he thought no one was paying attention anymore and declared he was "over it" with AA and "didn't need to go anymore".
He started drinking again. A DUI in 2014 required 18 months of sobriety. He started drinking again immediately after probation was over in late 2015. His drinking was at an all time nightmarish level in 2016. Basically the entire year was punctuated with drunken incidents where he was absolute terror to live with and caused such an incredible amount of stress in my life worrying about what he was doing or what kind of trouble he was exposing us to. In May of this year, he was in such a drunken rage at home that the police were called and he was arrested. It's a long story for another post, but that was the second alcohol related arrest in three years and he STILL isn't making the connection that he needs serious help. The only reason he isn't drinking right now is because he's on the hook for mandatory random drug and alcohol tests for the next two years. Once that ban is lifted, I'll be 0% surprised if he starts drinking again.
We've been married for nine years and I look back on all of it with so much regret. My life isn't where I thought it would be. If I could go back and listen to my gut when those red flags started popping up, I would have done things so much differently. I know you love your fiance, but love yourself first. Insist on your own happiness. If you have doubts, if that little voice in your head is telling you to think twice - listen. Don't get yourself entangled in this any further.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 136
Hey, this is Toughroad1209
Today is my first day on the site. I have given my wife every reason not to marry me while engaged. I would drink Heavily and know that I was embarrassing in front of her while we're out together! I would go on binges and disappear for days at times by myself! I've know the way I live is wrong but I haven't been able to stop. I've tried AA....I put myself in Rehab and I still go back to my ways. Now, 8 years later, we have two kids involved...I know she loves me but I've put her through an 8 year nightmare!...I've just had another binge...I feel so terrible towards my family that I've been this way to them and to myself. I want to be a completely different man for my family so I know I have to stop drinking! If your fiancé doesn't change for good! I would hate to have stuck with the decisions after getting married to someone with an Alcohol problem!...I know things may be hard for your spouse since it is an addiction...Just be careful because I see the hurt first hand in my wife's eyes!!...You don't want to be married to that! And for myself it's an every day mindset to stop letting my life be ruined! It's a choice that started 3 days ago as I lay here going through withdrawals...I just want my family thats all that matters to me
Today is my first day on the site. I have given my wife every reason not to marry me while engaged. I would drink Heavily and know that I was embarrassing in front of her while we're out together! I would go on binges and disappear for days at times by myself! I've know the way I live is wrong but I haven't been able to stop. I've tried AA....I put myself in Rehab and I still go back to my ways. Now, 8 years later, we have two kids involved...I know she loves me but I've put her through an 8 year nightmare!...I've just had another binge...I feel so terrible towards my family that I've been this way to them and to myself. I want to be a completely different man for my family so I know I have to stop drinking! If your fiancé doesn't change for good! I would hate to have stuck with the decisions after getting married to someone with an Alcohol problem!...I know things may be hard for your spouse since it is an addiction...Just be careful because I see the hurt first hand in my wife's eyes!!...You don't want to be married to that! And for myself it's an every day mindset to stop letting my life be ruined! It's a choice that started 3 days ago as I lay here going through withdrawals...I just want my family thats all that matters to me
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Toughroad...why not go to a doctor and get some help with the withdrawl symptoms? Or, check yourself into detox, if the doctor thinks it is needed....
Why suffer, when you don't need to...? Plus, withdrawl can be dangerous, in some cases.....
Why suffer, when you don't need to...? Plus, withdrawl can be dangerous, in some cases.....
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Hi PA Girl... I haven't even read through the entire thread of posts and feel compelled to tell you he sounds like a nightmare to even have a relationship with, let alone to be married to when you'll be so enmeshed legally, geographically, and God-forbid have children together. Your initial post made it sound like you were pressuring yourself bc of how much time you have already invested and your bio clock is clicking. Please. Know. This. You will be SO much better off chalking the time invested off as experience to avoid in the future and NOT EVER having kids is better than bringing them into an addict's environment. Sorry to be so harsh. A very good friend of mine that is clean 2 years from heroin and drinking who is late 50's, never been married, and thinks he's God's gift to women (God bless him, lol) recently met someone out in public where they were instantly attracted to each other. She was a server and asked if he wanted a drink. Somehow the conversation went the way of him saying his "drinking" days were behind him. She started speaking in "sober speak" vocabulary so he knew she was also a recovered addict. He knew that no matter how much attraction there was, to not go there. He's quite a smart recovered addict. He KNOWS.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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I'd also like to add... if you want to see if he's in 'true' recovery, just tell him 'no'. Tell him no to the date/month you have chosen to get married and that you want to see where your relationship is in two years. He has traded one addiction to another(s). He is NOT changing at his core which is essential for true recovery. Our famous (infamous) saying around her is that if you want to know if your addict is in true recovery is just say NO and gauge their reaction. If he comes back at you that how dare you, he's not drinking, yadda yadda, without addressing what he's already put you through and addressing your concerns for YOU, then he is disrespecting you and showing his addict behavior continues.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
I am currently going through a divorce from my AH and it is coming up on one year. I remember vividly knowing I shouldn't marry him about two months before my wedding but I went forward because I thought it was too late to turn back, I was nervous what others would say, I had planned my dream wedding, etc, etc. The truth is that it is never too late to make a healthy choice for yourself. NEVER.
I know many have already said this before me but if your inner voice is screaming at you, listen. Don't make the same mistake I did because divorce is hard enough but divorcing an alcoholic is a complete nightmare.
There are healthy happy people and you deserve it!
I know many have already said this before me but if your inner voice is screaming at you, listen. Don't make the same mistake I did because divorce is hard enough but divorcing an alcoholic is a complete nightmare.
There are healthy happy people and you deserve it!
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 20
If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't marry my AXH. I knew before we got married he was an alcoholic, but I didn't want to admit it. No treatments or therapy before our wedding. It was more of his behavior. He was often the drunkest person at an event or we'd modify our plans around his drinking.
During our 7 year marriage... 6 rehabs (30 days each), at least a dozen detox stints, a handful of visits to the ER and one 3 day stay in the county mental hospital. Some say this is extreme, and that may be true. For me, I became numb to the situation. One event rolls into another.
I am out of the marriage, almost a year since the divorce finalized. I am not out of the pain. I am working on myself, trying hard to get better and I am getting better. I still have my difficult days, but all in all my life is better without him in it.
I ignored the red flags, and I didn't have the pre-marriage experience of treatment, detox, etc. We had good times, even great times and it didn't stop him from relapsing.
Nobody can predict if your fiance will relapse again, he doesn't even know.
During our 7 year marriage... 6 rehabs (30 days each), at least a dozen detox stints, a handful of visits to the ER and one 3 day stay in the county mental hospital. Some say this is extreme, and that may be true. For me, I became numb to the situation. One event rolls into another.
I am out of the marriage, almost a year since the divorce finalized. I am not out of the pain. I am working on myself, trying hard to get better and I am getting better. I still have my difficult days, but all in all my life is better without him in it.
I ignored the red flags, and I didn't have the pre-marriage experience of treatment, detox, etc. We had good times, even great times and it didn't stop him from relapsing.
Nobody can predict if your fiance will relapse again, he doesn't even know.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
One more thing that I left out...I went forward with marrying him because I thought I could help him, I convinced myself that I could will him to wellness. I could take him away from his family who, I believed at the time, were the source of his pain that led him to drink....and the truth that I've learned the HARD way is I cannot help him, only he can help himself. And his family, while horrible in their own right, weren't the source of his problem. He was the source of his problem.
After we married, we moved halfway across the country to be closer to my family, who I thought at the time would also help, and his drinking progressed....
Good luck with whatever choice you make but just make sure you are taking care of yourself and what is best for you.
After we married, we moved halfway across the country to be closer to my family, who I thought at the time would also help, and his drinking progressed....
Good luck with whatever choice you make but just make sure you are taking care of yourself and what is best for you.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
It doesn't get ANY better if/when you both say 'I do'.
And should children become part of the party, well, it just gets THAT much more screwed up.
Trust your gut. It's a huge survival mechanism and going against it will be going against what'll keep your mind, heart and soul healthy.
NOBODY is worth that price.
If we don't see you back here anymore, it could only mean good news for you!
PEACE!
And should children become part of the party, well, it just gets THAT much more screwed up.
Trust your gut. It's a huge survival mechanism and going against it will be going against what'll keep your mind, heart and soul healthy.
NOBODY is worth that price.
If we don't see you back here anymore, it could only mean good news for you!
PEACE!
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 69
I am currently divorced from an alcoholic and she is at the moment in rehab. I still love her to death and will do anything to help her stay sober. My love for her never left even though she put me and my daughter through hell. My biggest regret is that I couldn't help my ex wife enough to save our marriage. If i knew then what I know now, I would do it all over again.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Hmm. I still love my STBAXH, but if I had to do it over again, I would have stopped seeing him before I fell in love with him, thus preventing this awfulness from ever happening. I would have a wonderful career, probably met someone else, had kids, had more money. Who knows. Maybe. But that's a lot of "ifs". I had the same problem in the relationship I choose to have: if only this, if only that... if only I could have tried harder, saved him, sent him to outer space in a box so he would never use drugs or drink again... etc. Time has other ideas. It won't go backwards for me. I wish it could.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Hmm. I still love my STBAXH, but if I had to do it over again, I would have stopped seeing him before I fell in love with him, thus preventing this awfulness from ever happening. I would have a wonderful career, probably met someone else, had kids, had more money. Who knows. Maybe. But that's a lot of "ifs". I had the same problem in the relationship I choose to have: if only this, if only that... if only I could have tried harder, saved him, sent him to outer space in a box so he would never use drugs or drink again... etc. Time has other ideas. It won't go backwards for me. I wish it could.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Hi Matt,
That is what I felt too. In the beginning, before I knew there was a problem, there was no one happier than I. He was also high on those chemicals that your body makes when love is new, so therefore, he wasn't using drug as much or at all. That ended soon though. He could not sustain a relationship long term. As soon as the high was over and reality hit and he discovered that our relationship would also be work, just like any other relationship (work, which is the meat of the relationship), he started secretly using drugs again. Just a little bit, and then it got worse and worse until he could not hide it from me anymore.
So I don't know if this speaks to your experience but addicts use people. They use people to feel happy. They use drugs to feel happy. They are happy chasers. Always chasing the happy. Not able to deal with negative emotions, including boredom. Sometimes they don't even understand contentment. What is sad about this is that sometimes it means the addict is a perfectionist (everything has to be better than fine, they have to be happy, not content), someone who, if they really had to see their behavior for what it was, would not be able to accept themselves. You have to be OK with being alone before you can be in a relationship. I mean, really OK... not just tolerating it.
I know what you're feeling because I'm still not OK. I think what you are feeling is normal. One of my friends said that it's like my STBAXH "hypnotized" me into believing his delusions. So now I'm having delusion withdrawal.
Crying is very good, if you find it helps. I do a ridiculous amount of crying when I have spare time.
That is what I felt too. In the beginning, before I knew there was a problem, there was no one happier than I. He was also high on those chemicals that your body makes when love is new, so therefore, he wasn't using drug as much or at all. That ended soon though. He could not sustain a relationship long term. As soon as the high was over and reality hit and he discovered that our relationship would also be work, just like any other relationship (work, which is the meat of the relationship), he started secretly using drugs again. Just a little bit, and then it got worse and worse until he could not hide it from me anymore.
So I don't know if this speaks to your experience but addicts use people. They use people to feel happy. They use drugs to feel happy. They are happy chasers. Always chasing the happy. Not able to deal with negative emotions, including boredom. Sometimes they don't even understand contentment. What is sad about this is that sometimes it means the addict is a perfectionist (everything has to be better than fine, they have to be happy, not content), someone who, if they really had to see their behavior for what it was, would not be able to accept themselves. You have to be OK with being alone before you can be in a relationship. I mean, really OK... not just tolerating it.
I know what you're feeling because I'm still not OK. I think what you are feeling is normal. One of my friends said that it's like my STBAXH "hypnotized" me into believing his delusions. So now I'm having delusion withdrawal.
Crying is very good, if you find it helps. I do a ridiculous amount of crying when I have spare time.
Originally Posted by Matt5150
I want to be part of her support and success. I want her to see that I can be the man that she fell in love with when she was sober and our family was whole. I don't know why I have this overwhelming need to be with her. I just do. I deserve to be happy and before she began using there was no one happier than is.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Hi Matt,
That is what I felt too. In the beginning, before I knew there was a problem, there was no one happier than I. He was also high on those chemicals that your body makes when love is new, so therefore, he wasn't using drug as much or at all. That ended soon though. He could not sustain a relationship long term. As soon as the high was over and reality hit and he discovered that our relationship would also be work, just like any other relationship (work, which is the meat of the relationship), he started secretly using drugs again. Just a little bit, and then it got worse and worse until he could not hide it from me anymore.
So I don't know if this speaks to your experience but addicts use people. They use people to feel happy. They use drugs to feel happy. They are happy chasers. Always chasing the happy. Not able to deal with negative emotions, including boredom. Sometimes they don't even understand contentment. What is sad about this is that sometimes it means the addict is a perfectionist (everything has to be better than fine, they have to be happy, not content), someone who, if they really had to see their behavior for what it was, would not be able to accept themselves. You have to be OK with being alone before you can be in a relationship. I mean, really OK... not just tolerating it.
I know what you're feeling because I'm still not OK. I think what you are feeling is normal. One of my friends said that it's like my STBAXH "hypnotized" me into believing his delusions. So now I'm having delusion withdrawal.
Crying is very good, if you find it helps. I do a ridiculous amount of crying when I have spare time.
That is what I felt too. In the beginning, before I knew there was a problem, there was no one happier than I. He was also high on those chemicals that your body makes when love is new, so therefore, he wasn't using drug as much or at all. That ended soon though. He could not sustain a relationship long term. As soon as the high was over and reality hit and he discovered that our relationship would also be work, just like any other relationship (work, which is the meat of the relationship), he started secretly using drugs again. Just a little bit, and then it got worse and worse until he could not hide it from me anymore.
So I don't know if this speaks to your experience but addicts use people. They use people to feel happy. They use drugs to feel happy. They are happy chasers. Always chasing the happy. Not able to deal with negative emotions, including boredom. Sometimes they don't even understand contentment. What is sad about this is that sometimes it means the addict is a perfectionist (everything has to be better than fine, they have to be happy, not content), someone who, if they really had to see their behavior for what it was, would not be able to accept themselves. You have to be OK with being alone before you can be in a relationship. I mean, really OK... not just tolerating it.
I know what you're feeling because I'm still not OK. I think what you are feeling is normal. One of my friends said that it's like my STBAXH "hypnotized" me into believing his delusions. So now I'm having delusion withdrawal.
Crying is very good, if you find it helps. I do a ridiculous amount of crying when I have spare time.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 8
I was just in a 5yr relationship. Huge red flags in the beginning! I saw how much he drank (big beer drinker) but because he works, takes care of his house, engages in hobbies, etc.. I figured it wasn't that big a deal. WRONG. I wish I had left after the first few months! And I am mad at myself for letting five years go by and letting my self worth get dragged through the mud. One day its great, one day its not...one week is great, one week is not. ROLLER COASTER LIFE!!! And I tried everything to "help" him, be understanding, blah blah... I finally went to Al-Anon even! He went to AA last September. And I thought WOW THIS IS AWESOME EVERYTHING WILL BE GREAT NOW. But you know what? It doesn't change overnight, or over months, or from what I hear, over years! Lots of relapses and more anxiety on my part. And the lies they tell... I would have never thought my bf could lie like that...and I started believing things he said even though in my heart I knew he was lying. And it never got "better". He would be sober for a few months but during those months he is what is considered a dry drunk. He still had all the same issues but had to learn to deal with them sober and during this struggle guess who was shoved aside? Yep. Me. Because everything was a challenge to him now. He was stressed more than normal.. all kinds of things. (which I know is typical dry drunk behavior) So then, one day in June, after all the years I stayed and put up with so much, thought I was "being there" for him... he ended up leaving ME! He said he was just really going through a lot now and that there was too much anxiety and left. (personally I think he wanted a chance to drink here and there) My advice is that it is not worth it. I will never get involved in a relationship with someone who drinks again. I have no ties to him thank god. (even though this breakup still hurts) Now imagine you are married and have kids with this guy and he pulls the same thing as mine did? 1,000x worse. At the least, for you, postpone this wedding and rethink what you really want for your life.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 79
I haven't read through all the replies but just to answer your initial question, do you regret marrying an alcoholic...YES! My AH and I have been married 15 years, he is the love of my life, we have 3 young kids. His daily beer drinking steadily progressed over the years, with a few glimmers of hope when he quit drinking. We are now in yet another quit drinking phase and I'm happy about it but again, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wonder what I've missed out in life had I not married an alcoholic. His alcoholism and horrific behavior while drunk has ruled our lives and even when sober, his "recovery" is still ruling our lives. I can't get out from under it unless I break up our family and leave him. I'm 40, have 3 kids and only work part time right now. If I had it to do all over again, even though it breaks my heart to say it, I don't think I would have married him. I never thought we would end up like this. He was my soulmate but it wasn't long until his drinking became more important to him than I was.
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