Regret marrying an alcoholic?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
"I'm scared that I have wasted 5yrs.".......
That reminds me of something that I have heard called "Slot machine thinking".....
It is common for those who play slot machines to keep playing and investing more money...simply because they have already spent so much that they have the idea that if they keep playing...they will, eventually recoup their losses.....
Staying in a bad relationship just because one has been in a bad relationship just seems like that kind of thinking....
That reminds me of something that I have heard called "Slot machine thinking".....
It is common for those who play slot machines to keep playing and investing more money...simply because they have already spent so much that they have the idea that if they keep playing...they will, eventually recoup their losses.....
Staying in a bad relationship just because one has been in a bad relationship just seems like that kind of thinking....
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Hi, as the others said, it really sounds like your instincts are screaming at you to not marry him.
I dated an alcoholic/addict for over four years, before and all through college. I stood by him through the crap that often accompanies addicts: violence, lies, relapse, police action, car crashes, theft, on and on. He finally went to a program, was doing well and sober over a year. We got engaged.
At some point his attitude changed and I grew concerned. I told myself (not him) - if he gets high again, if he has one more drink, we are done.
When our wedding was 6 weeks away he told me he'd "had a few beers". I broke up with him. We had the venue, I had a dress, already had a shower, etc. etc.
Breaking up with him was the BEST thing I have ever done in my life. The absolute best, and this all took place in the 70s.
I dated an alcoholic/addict for over four years, before and all through college. I stood by him through the crap that often accompanies addicts: violence, lies, relapse, police action, car crashes, theft, on and on. He finally went to a program, was doing well and sober over a year. We got engaged.
At some point his attitude changed and I grew concerned. I told myself (not him) - if he gets high again, if he has one more drink, we are done.
When our wedding was 6 weeks away he told me he'd "had a few beers". I broke up with him. We had the venue, I had a dress, already had a shower, etc. etc.
Breaking up with him was the BEST thing I have ever done in my life. The absolute best, and this all took place in the 70s.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 43
"I'm scared i've wasted 5 years. Literally stuck by him when everyone else turned their back to be emotionally abused enough until he went to rehab - and for nothing in the end"
Pagirl, you haven't wasted 5 years, unless you don't learn from the lessons. The 5 years is done. Pull out the truths you have learned and move on. It would only be a waste if you continued on this path. The further you go, the harder it is to come back. In 10 years, do you want to be regretting wasting the last 15 years of your life. At least you see it now. I have to look at my 2 years with xAH the same way.
Pagirl, you haven't wasted 5 years, unless you don't learn from the lessons. The 5 years is done. Pull out the truths you have learned and move on. It would only be a waste if you continued on this path. The further you go, the harder it is to come back. In 10 years, do you want to be regretting wasting the last 15 years of your life. At least you see it now. I have to look at my 2 years with xAH the same way.
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Pagirl123-
Do I regret meeting, and loving my ex? Nope. Do I regret the time I spent with him, painful as it was? Nope.
Because of my personal issues (my own addictive concerns, my family of origin etc), I was headed for a problem relationship, period. Five of the seven years I spent with him were very challenging and painful.
I don't necessarily regret marrying him.
I DO regret not listening to myself and my body when I was resistant about getting married. I DO regret that I did not have a clear voice for myself in how we got married. I DO regret that all the red flags waving prior to my marriage I ignored, and then was shocked and appalled when two weeks after my marriage my new husband (we bought our first house together the week prior to getting married) got so drunk that he kicked our dog and punched a window out.....and then I felt stuck. I DO regret all the time I spent in my marriage trying to make everything "perfect," so he would not feel like he needed to drink. I DO regret that I did not think I was good enough as is....and I put the relationship above my personal needs.
This relationship got me where it needed to. It deepened my recovery and because of the discomfort/pain it got me into Al-Anon, on this website and onto a path that has brought me light and healing.
I don't regret the learning of this journey. It is clear to me however in retrospect that my job is to take care of me......and when I suppress that urge and instinct it does not work out for anyone. My marriage was about trying to save and repair something that was not mine to fix.....his addiction.
Do I regret meeting, and loving my ex? Nope. Do I regret the time I spent with him, painful as it was? Nope.
Because of my personal issues (my own addictive concerns, my family of origin etc), I was headed for a problem relationship, period. Five of the seven years I spent with him were very challenging and painful.
I don't necessarily regret marrying him.
I DO regret not listening to myself and my body when I was resistant about getting married. I DO regret that I did not have a clear voice for myself in how we got married. I DO regret that all the red flags waving prior to my marriage I ignored, and then was shocked and appalled when two weeks after my marriage my new husband (we bought our first house together the week prior to getting married) got so drunk that he kicked our dog and punched a window out.....and then I felt stuck. I DO regret all the time I spent in my marriage trying to make everything "perfect," so he would not feel like he needed to drink. I DO regret that I did not think I was good enough as is....and I put the relationship above my personal needs.
This relationship got me where it needed to. It deepened my recovery and because of the discomfort/pain it got me into Al-Anon, on this website and onto a path that has brought me light and healing.
I don't regret the learning of this journey. It is clear to me however in retrospect that my job is to take care of me......and when I suppress that urge and instinct it does not work out for anyone. My marriage was about trying to save and repair something that was not mine to fix.....his addiction.
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P.S. Sorry for the second post, but my edit function is not working right now.
I truly don't believe alcohol and affairs go hand in hand. I do believe there can be some similarities however.
What finally broke up my relationship with my ex was an affair.
Luckily for me his affair came after I had enough recovery under my belt that I did not take it personally as I had taken his drinking. I was unwilling to sweep it under the rug, and the affair forced me to deal with the elephant in the room, alcohol that I had been so unwilling to look at.
Initially however there was a piece of me that tried to fix our relationship for him when it was not mine to put all the effort in. I walked on egg shells for some time, was in denial and shock and was unwilling to accept the reality that was in my face. To be clear I am NOT saying your partner is cheating on you.....but you need to be careful not of his behavior but of yours around tough topics/feelings and your reality. I saw that because I was so unwilling to listen to myself and my own.
I truly don't believe alcohol and affairs go hand in hand. I do believe there can be some similarities however.
What finally broke up my relationship with my ex was an affair.
Luckily for me his affair came after I had enough recovery under my belt that I did not take it personally as I had taken his drinking. I was unwilling to sweep it under the rug, and the affair forced me to deal with the elephant in the room, alcohol that I had been so unwilling to look at.
Initially however there was a piece of me that tried to fix our relationship for him when it was not mine to put all the effort in. I walked on egg shells for some time, was in denial and shock and was unwilling to accept the reality that was in my face. To be clear I am NOT saying your partner is cheating on you.....but you need to be careful not of his behavior but of yours around tough topics/feelings and your reality. I saw that because I was so unwilling to listen to myself and my own.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I'm scared i've wasted 5 years. Literally stuck by him when everyone else turned their back to be emotionally abused enough until he went to rehab - and for nothing in the end.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz 
Oh no. I married my (X)AH because I was 39 and I thought, it's now or never. I started dating him at 30 after spending so much time in grad school and ignoring my personal life that people started telling me that my fertile years were running out. He said he had tried some drugs, and that those years were behind him as he only dabbled in pot from "time to time". Turns out it wasn't pot, and it wasn't from "time to time" and those years were not behind him.
My gut was telling me not to marry him the night before the wedding. He said that if I didn't marry him, he would kill himself. So I married him.
Biggest mistake of my life. And I thought I was an educated person. I guess I wasn't good at spotting covert manipulation. So many lies, all my money gone, my youth is gone, etc. I feel old and ugly, like a chewed up, spit out piece of gum on the sidewalk. Now I will probably grow old and die alone.
Listen to your gut.
My gut was telling me not to marry him the night before the wedding. He said that if I didn't marry him, he would kill himself. So I married him.
Biggest mistake of my life. And I thought I was an educated person. I guess I wasn't good at spotting covert manipulation. So many lies, all my money gone, my youth is gone, etc. I feel old and ugly, like a chewed up, spit out piece of gum on the sidewalk. Now I will probably grow old and die alone.
Listen to your gut.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 36
Pagirl, all of these wonderful and amazing people who post on this forum have actually lived through the hell that you are about to put yourself through if you marry this guy. I would absolutely listen to them if I were you and I would not marry him.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
To address the "time spent together/wasted time" thing, I'd like to share an experience of mine:
Things hadn't felt right between XAH and I for a long time. Couldn't put my finger on any one thing, but it just wasn't right. Then one night he came downstairs from his airplane modeling studio for supper. There was a slipper on the floor, lying in his path. I watched him navigate the slipper w/unusual care, and suddenly I realized--he was DRUNK! And he'd been drunk every night for I couldn't even say how long. But yet the beer or bottle of wine we'd buy for joint consumption over the course of a couple of Friday/Saturday nights wasn't disappearing, so clearly he'd been secretly buying alcohol and secretly drinking it. For how long? WHY?
Things got ugly, and he ended up going back upstairs to sleep. It was a winter night (actually, it was Dec. 16, his birthday) and snow was falling. I went outside to shovel, since I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I remember so clearly standing out there, shoveling and crying while the snow fell. I remember the circle of light from the yard light, and the darkness beyond it. I remember thinking "I do NOT want to be 50 years old and starting over!" (I was 49 at the time.)
So I didn't do anything for my OWN recovery, didn't look for education or any sort of help, thinking it was on HIM to fix the problem. He then pretended to go to AA meetings for 4 years. I thought he was drinking many times in those years, but if I asked him, he of course denied it. After a while, I was fairly sure he was lying, but since I still hadn't bothered to educate myself about recovery and how it should look (for either him OR myself), I continued to be ruled by fear and anger. I struggled on while things got worse.
Finally in February of 2013, I looked over his shoulder while he was doing the online banking. I saw a withdrawal of $200 that was NOT in the bank book. When I confronted him, he insisted it was a mistake on the bank's part. Then he said he must have forgotten to record it. This time, I couldn't avoid the knowledge--he'd never stopped drinking or lying about it.
In fact, it turned out he'd never gone to AA; he'd just leave the house at the appropriate time and go walk in a park or sit in his car, then come back home. If I asked how the meeting was, he'd make up stories about newcomers who'd shown up, topics of discussion, and so on. He was so careful about this that if he had errands to do while in town, he'd make sure not to do them until AFTER the fictitious meeting would have been over--he wanted to make sure that if I checked the times on the credit card slips, they wouldn't conflict w/his supposed activities (as if it would ever in a million years occur to me to do that!).
So that led to me having a meltdown, finding SR in March of 2013, and running out of the house in tears one night for the nearest Alanon meeting. I struggled along for the next year and a half or so, gradually learning and getting stronger, and in November of 2014, I finally filed for a separation. That was converted to a divorce in June of 2015.
And so you see how my fear of being on my own and starting over at 50 resulted in me being on my own and starting over at 55 instead.
At first, yes, I felt I'd wasted all those years of my life. I still sometimes wish I could go back and replay, knowing what I know now. However, since I don't know a way to do that, I guess all I can do is to take my hard-earned growth forward w/me into the future and make the best use of the years to come that I can.
The anger, the fear and the bitterness do fade as I keep working my recovery. It's slow, but it does happen and I can see it when I look back over time. I feel more centered, less anxious, more peaceful than I think I have ever felt in my life before. Continuing to come to SR keeps me honest and keeps me working to better understand, learn and grow. I would not be where I am today w/o the kindness and wisdom of the SR members and the Alanon groups who have shared so much w/me.
Things hadn't felt right between XAH and I for a long time. Couldn't put my finger on any one thing, but it just wasn't right. Then one night he came downstairs from his airplane modeling studio for supper. There was a slipper on the floor, lying in his path. I watched him navigate the slipper w/unusual care, and suddenly I realized--he was DRUNK! And he'd been drunk every night for I couldn't even say how long. But yet the beer or bottle of wine we'd buy for joint consumption over the course of a couple of Friday/Saturday nights wasn't disappearing, so clearly he'd been secretly buying alcohol and secretly drinking it. For how long? WHY?
Things got ugly, and he ended up going back upstairs to sleep. It was a winter night (actually, it was Dec. 16, his birthday) and snow was falling. I went outside to shovel, since I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I remember so clearly standing out there, shoveling and crying while the snow fell. I remember the circle of light from the yard light, and the darkness beyond it. I remember thinking "I do NOT want to be 50 years old and starting over!" (I was 49 at the time.)
So I didn't do anything for my OWN recovery, didn't look for education or any sort of help, thinking it was on HIM to fix the problem. He then pretended to go to AA meetings for 4 years. I thought he was drinking many times in those years, but if I asked him, he of course denied it. After a while, I was fairly sure he was lying, but since I still hadn't bothered to educate myself about recovery and how it should look (for either him OR myself), I continued to be ruled by fear and anger. I struggled on while things got worse.
Finally in February of 2013, I looked over his shoulder while he was doing the online banking. I saw a withdrawal of $200 that was NOT in the bank book. When I confronted him, he insisted it was a mistake on the bank's part. Then he said he must have forgotten to record it. This time, I couldn't avoid the knowledge--he'd never stopped drinking or lying about it.
In fact, it turned out he'd never gone to AA; he'd just leave the house at the appropriate time and go walk in a park or sit in his car, then come back home. If I asked how the meeting was, he'd make up stories about newcomers who'd shown up, topics of discussion, and so on. He was so careful about this that if he had errands to do while in town, he'd make sure not to do them until AFTER the fictitious meeting would have been over--he wanted to make sure that if I checked the times on the credit card slips, they wouldn't conflict w/his supposed activities (as if it would ever in a million years occur to me to do that!).
So that led to me having a meltdown, finding SR in March of 2013, and running out of the house in tears one night for the nearest Alanon meeting. I struggled along for the next year and a half or so, gradually learning and getting stronger, and in November of 2014, I finally filed for a separation. That was converted to a divorce in June of 2015.
And so you see how my fear of being on my own and starting over at 50 resulted in me being on my own and starting over at 55 instead.
At first, yes, I felt I'd wasted all those years of my life. I still sometimes wish I could go back and replay, knowing what I know now. However, since I don't know a way to do that, I guess all I can do is to take my hard-earned growth forward w/me into the future and make the best use of the years to come that I can.
The anger, the fear and the bitterness do fade as I keep working my recovery. It's slow, but it does happen and I can see it when I look back over time. I feel more centered, less anxious, more peaceful than I think I have ever felt in my life before. Continuing to come to SR keeps me honest and keeps me working to better understand, learn and grow. I would not be where I am today w/o the kindness and wisdom of the SR members and the Alanon groups who have shared so much w/me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
My own experience: when I married now-ex 27 years ago, I had a lot of doubts. I knew about his drinking but didn't think it was "that bad". But by year 20, it was "that bad" and then some - much worse than I could have expected.
Do I regret marrying ex? That's a tough question. Without ex I wouldn't have Kid - and although single-parenting is without a doubt the most difficult thing I've ever done, she is absolutely wonderful.
There were good times in the marriage, because we were very intellectually compatible and shared a sense of adventure. However, the bad times definitely outweighed the good. I sustained and am still dealing with a lot of emotional damage from gaslighting, projection, manipulation, belittling, deceit, verbal abuse, denial, and all those other wonderful things that go with an alcoholic marriage, not to mention the godawful challenges of trying to co-parent with an addict who is also manifesting significant mental illness.
If I could go back in time, I think I would tell myself "Don't do it! Hold out for someone healthier, someone about whom you don't have that sinking feeling when you contemplate the rest of your life together, or just stay single and be happy on your own. This person is great in many ways but he is far more messed up than you can handle". I wouldn't have Kid, but I also wouldn't know what I missed by not having her, if that makes any sense.
Do I regret marrying ex? That's a tough question. Without ex I wouldn't have Kid - and although single-parenting is without a doubt the most difficult thing I've ever done, she is absolutely wonderful.
There were good times in the marriage, because we were very intellectually compatible and shared a sense of adventure. However, the bad times definitely outweighed the good. I sustained and am still dealing with a lot of emotional damage from gaslighting, projection, manipulation, belittling, deceit, verbal abuse, denial, and all those other wonderful things that go with an alcoholic marriage, not to mention the godawful challenges of trying to co-parent with an addict who is also manifesting significant mental illness.
If I could go back in time, I think I would tell myself "Don't do it! Hold out for someone healthier, someone about whom you don't have that sinking feeling when you contemplate the rest of your life together, or just stay single and be happy on your own. This person is great in many ways but he is far more messed up than you can handle". I wouldn't have Kid, but I also wouldn't know what I missed by not having her, if that makes any sense.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by atalose
That’s because everyone else knew better and you didn’t. Same with proceeding with marriage, everyone here knows better, and you don’t yet.
...yet. Thank you all for such heart felt and honest responses. I know that my gut is telling me what i need to do i'm just really scared and honestly just really sad that this is how everything ended up. After all the work we both did in moving forward past things and through things and away from things, it just is a sad thing.
New factor is when i suppose I'll get the courage to do it. I am thankful our ties are only minimally financial with a few bills, a household of things - and physically with two grown labs <3 <3 . To split or not to split
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by honeypig
To address the "time spent together/wasted time" thing, I'd like to share an experience of mine:
Things hadn't felt right between XAH and I for a long time. Couldn't put my finger on any one thing, but it just wasn't right. Then one night he came downstairs from his airplane modeling studio for supper. There was a slipper on the floor, lying in his path. I watched him navigate the slipper w/unusual care, and suddenly I realized--he was DRUNK! And he'd been drunk every night for I couldn't even say how long. But yet the beer or bottle of wine we'd buy for joint consumption over the course of a couple of Friday/Saturday nights wasn't disappearing, so clearly he'd been secretly buying alcohol and secretly drinking it. For how long? WHY?
Things got ugly, and he ended up going back upstairs to sleep. It was a winter night (actually, it was Dec. 16, his birthday) and snow was falling. I went outside to shovel, since I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I remember so clearly standing out there, shoveling and crying while the snow fell. I remember the circle of light from the yard light, and the darkness beyond it. I remember thinking "I do NOT want to be 50 years old and starting over!" (I was 49 at the time.)
So I didn't do anything for my OWN recovery, didn't look for education or any sort of help, thinking it was on HIM to fix the problem. He then pretended to go to AA meetings for 4 years. I thought he was drinking many times in those years, but if I asked him, he of course denied it. After a while, I was fairly sure he was lying, but since I still hadn't bothered to educate myself about recovery and how it should look (for either him OR myself), I continued to be ruled by fear and anger. I struggled on while things got worse.
Finally in February of 2013, I looked over his shoulder while he was doing the online banking. I saw a withdrawal of $200 that was NOT in the bank book. When I confronted him, he insisted it was a mistake on the bank's part. Then he said he must have forgotten to record it. This time, I couldn't avoid the knowledge--he'd never stopped drinking or lying about it.
In fact, it turned out he'd never gone to AA; he'd just leave the house at the appropriate time and go walk in a park or sit in his car, then come back home. If I asked how the meeting was, he'd make up stories about newcomers who'd shown up, topics of discussion, and so on. He was so careful about this that if he had errands to do while in town, he'd make sure not to do them until AFTER the fictitious meeting would have been over--he wanted to make sure that if I checked the times on the credit card slips, they wouldn't conflict w/his supposed activities (as if it would ever in a million years occur to me to do that!).
So that led to me having a meltdown, finding SR in March of 2013, and running out of the house in tears one night for the nearest Alanon meeting. I struggled along for the next year and a half or so, gradually learning and getting stronger, and in November of 2014, I finally filed for a separation. That was converted to a divorce in June of 2015.
And so you see how my fear of being on my own and starting over at 50 resulted in me being on my own and starting over at 55 instead.
At first, yes, I felt I'd wasted all those years of my life. I still sometimes wish I could go back and replay, knowing what I know now. However, since I don't know a way to do that, I guess all I can do is to take my hard-earned growth forward w/me into the future and make the best use of the years to come that I can.
The anger, the fear and the bitterness do fade as I keep working my recovery. It's slow, but it does happen and I can see it when I look back over time. I feel more centered, less anxious, more peaceful than I think I have ever felt in my life before. Continuing to come to SR keeps me honest and keeps me working to better understand, learn and grow. I would not be where I am today w/o the kindness and wisdom of the SR members and the Alanon groups who have shared so much w/me.
Things hadn't felt right between XAH and I for a long time. Couldn't put my finger on any one thing, but it just wasn't right. Then one night he came downstairs from his airplane modeling studio for supper. There was a slipper on the floor, lying in his path. I watched him navigate the slipper w/unusual care, and suddenly I realized--he was DRUNK! And he'd been drunk every night for I couldn't even say how long. But yet the beer or bottle of wine we'd buy for joint consumption over the course of a couple of Friday/Saturday nights wasn't disappearing, so clearly he'd been secretly buying alcohol and secretly drinking it. For how long? WHY?
Things got ugly, and he ended up going back upstairs to sleep. It was a winter night (actually, it was Dec. 16, his birthday) and snow was falling. I went outside to shovel, since I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I remember so clearly standing out there, shoveling and crying while the snow fell. I remember the circle of light from the yard light, and the darkness beyond it. I remember thinking "I do NOT want to be 50 years old and starting over!" (I was 49 at the time.)
So I didn't do anything for my OWN recovery, didn't look for education or any sort of help, thinking it was on HIM to fix the problem. He then pretended to go to AA meetings for 4 years. I thought he was drinking many times in those years, but if I asked him, he of course denied it. After a while, I was fairly sure he was lying, but since I still hadn't bothered to educate myself about recovery and how it should look (for either him OR myself), I continued to be ruled by fear and anger. I struggled on while things got worse.
Finally in February of 2013, I looked over his shoulder while he was doing the online banking. I saw a withdrawal of $200 that was NOT in the bank book. When I confronted him, he insisted it was a mistake on the bank's part. Then he said he must have forgotten to record it. This time, I couldn't avoid the knowledge--he'd never stopped drinking or lying about it.
In fact, it turned out he'd never gone to AA; he'd just leave the house at the appropriate time and go walk in a park or sit in his car, then come back home. If I asked how the meeting was, he'd make up stories about newcomers who'd shown up, topics of discussion, and so on. He was so careful about this that if he had errands to do while in town, he'd make sure not to do them until AFTER the fictitious meeting would have been over--he wanted to make sure that if I checked the times on the credit card slips, they wouldn't conflict w/his supposed activities (as if it would ever in a million years occur to me to do that!).
So that led to me having a meltdown, finding SR in March of 2013, and running out of the house in tears one night for the nearest Alanon meeting. I struggled along for the next year and a half or so, gradually learning and getting stronger, and in November of 2014, I finally filed for a separation. That was converted to a divorce in June of 2015.
And so you see how my fear of being on my own and starting over at 50 resulted in me being on my own and starting over at 55 instead.
At first, yes, I felt I'd wasted all those years of my life. I still sometimes wish I could go back and replay, knowing what I know now. However, since I don't know a way to do that, I guess all I can do is to take my hard-earned growth forward w/me into the future and make the best use of the years to come that I can.
The anger, the fear and the bitterness do fade as I keep working my recovery. It's slow, but it does happen and I can see it when I look back over time. I feel more centered, less anxious, more peaceful than I think I have ever felt in my life before. Continuing to come to SR keeps me honest and keeps me working to better understand, learn and grow. I would not be where I am today w/o the kindness and wisdom of the SR members and the Alanon groups who have shared so much w/me.
I too can see how the kindness and just courage and help from SR members can really make me stand a little taller.
Thank you for this post, i just cried while reading it as my emotions are all over the place these days trying to figure out the best future for me.
I know how terrible it feels for be blindlessly lied to for years, that was how my first few years of relationship went.. he only drank on business trips. literally would be a dry drunk for months at a time. Then a year of acutely relapsing at home and a few months of sobriety in between (several lies for attending AA meetings, the at home breathalyzer, the whole shabang) but i just can't image doing those behaviors (mind you it makes me pretty crazy) with a child around... its terrible enough when our dogs can sense we're in that dynamic.
I just had so much faith in this past trip to rehab. I was a part of it, and he came out a completely different person and stayed that guy for months. But 9 months isn't the future i'd expected and now i just need to move forward even if it hurts like hell when i do. I think i'm having trouble bc he IS currently sober. His year sobriety is in less than one month and its not like I'm leaving "bc he relapsed" - he just stopped working a program and I've seen several times where that leads.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Just take it one day at a time, like they say, pagirl. It's a lot to take in, even though you've been aware of the problems for years. That final realization that no, there probably is NOT going to be a miracle that changes everything is tough to deal with.
Try to sleep enough. Eat well. Take some walks or other gentle form of exercise. Detach as much as you can from the situation--if you can physically get away for a while, that would be great. Sometimes it's amazing how much clarity can come from just removing yourself from the situation for a short time.
A few months after finding out about the faked meetings, etc., I spent 2 nights at my brother's house. When I came home again, XAH and I took the dogs for a walk. I have a loooong journal entry that day about all the things I observed in the interactions between XAH and myself just during that walk. I'd been living in it for years, but just that short break allowed me to see it as if for the first time ever--well, that and intensive Alanon meetings and SR reading!
Try to sleep enough. Eat well. Take some walks or other gentle form of exercise. Detach as much as you can from the situation--if you can physically get away for a while, that would be great. Sometimes it's amazing how much clarity can come from just removing yourself from the situation for a short time.
A few months after finding out about the faked meetings, etc., I spent 2 nights at my brother's house. When I came home again, XAH and I took the dogs for a walk. I have a loooong journal entry that day about all the things I observed in the interactions between XAH and myself just during that walk. I'd been living in it for years, but just that short break allowed me to see it as if for the first time ever--well, that and intensive Alanon meetings and SR reading!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Oh god, this story. Firstly thank you for sharing this so much. There's a part here that reminds me of something I experienced. The bit where you said your XAH would go walk around a park while pretending to attend a meeting. When my AH said that he had a chronic migraine, I got him going to a GP, a neurologist, and a chronic pain clinic, because he said that he would stop using illicit drugs if he didn't have to self-medicate his chronic migraine (and he also didn't want rehab). He went to the meetings (so I thought) and came home and told me that the people at the meetings said it was OK to keep using synthetic cannabis for migraines. He said that they did activities at the meetings like walk around a park etc.... One day, after a series of events that made me suspicious, I went to his doctor and asked if he had gone for his appointment. She said, "I can't tell you that because of patient confidentiality, but I can tell you that if he DID want help, he would seek help." Then she said, "you have a choice, you don't have to put up with abuse, because it IS abuse. Ask yourself where you want to be in five years. If you want to stay with him, that's OK, but you will be sad. If you leave, you will be sad too, but maybe you will be happy over time." Also, it turns out chronic headaches are a side effect of synthetic cannabis withdrawal. I wish I had known.
I was a victim of the sunk-cost fallacy too. I thought, I can't leave, I've spent 10 years with him and now I'm 40 and who would want me? Imagine if I stayed and stayed and one day I wake up and I'm 70 and still bandaging one of the hundreds of injuries he gets from falling after drugging... and I've spent all my money keeping him alive that I can no longer afford my own aged-care.
I was a victim of the sunk-cost fallacy too. I thought, I can't leave, I've spent 10 years with him and now I'm 40 and who would want me? Imagine if I stayed and stayed and one day I wake up and I'm 70 and still bandaging one of the hundreds of injuries he gets from falling after drugging... and I've spent all my money keeping him alive that I can no longer afford my own aged-care.
Originally Posted by honeypig
To address the "time spent together/wasted time" thing, I'd like to share an experience of mine:
Things hadn't felt right between XAH and I for a long time. Couldn't put my finger on any one thing, but it just wasn't right. Then one night he came downstairs from his airplane modeling studio for supper. There was a slipper on the floor, lying in his path. I watched him navigate the slipper w/unusual care, and suddenly I realized--he was DRUNK! And he'd been drunk every night for I couldn't even say how long. But yet the beer or bottle of wine we'd buy for joint consumption over the course of a couple of Friday/Saturday nights wasn't disappearing, so clearly he'd been secretly buying alcohol and secretly drinking it. For how long? WHY?
Things got ugly, and he ended up going back upstairs to sleep. It was a winter night (actually, it was Dec. 16, his birthday) and snow was falling. I went outside to shovel, since I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I remember so clearly standing out there, shoveling and crying while the snow fell. I remember the circle of light from the yard light, and the darkness beyond it. I remember thinking "I do NOT want to be 50 years old and starting over!" (I was 49 at the time.)
So I didn't do anything for my OWN recovery, didn't look for education or any sort of help, thinking it was on HIM to fix the problem. He then pretended to go to AA meetings for 4 years. I thought he was drinking many times in those years, but if I asked him, he of course denied it. After a while, I was fairly sure he was lying, but since I still hadn't bothered to educate myself about recovery and how it should look (for either him OR myself), I continued to be ruled by fear and anger. I struggled on while things got worse.
Finally in February of 2013, I looked over his shoulder while he was doing the online banking. I saw a withdrawal of $200 that was NOT in the bank book. When I confronted him, he insisted it was a mistake on the bank's part. Then he said he must have forgotten to record it. This time, I couldn't avoid the knowledge--he'd never stopped drinking or lying about it.
In fact, it turned out he'd never gone to AA; he'd just leave the house at the appropriate time and go walk in a park or sit in his car, then come back home. If I asked how the meeting was, he'd make up stories about newcomers who'd shown up, topics of discussion, and so on. He was so careful about this that if he had errands to do while in town, he'd make sure not to do them until AFTER the fictitious meeting would have been over--he wanted to make sure that if I checked the times on the credit card slips, they wouldn't conflict w/his supposed activities (as if it would ever in a million years occur to me to do that!).
So that led to me having a meltdown, finding SR in March of 2013, and running out of the house in tears one night for the nearest Alanon meeting. I struggled along for the next year and a half or so, gradually learning and getting stronger, and in November of 2014, I finally filed for a separation. That was converted to a divorce in June of 2015.
And so you see how my fear of being on my own and starting over at 50 resulted in me being on my own and starting over at 55 instead.
At first, yes, I felt I'd wasted all those years of my life. I still sometimes wish I could go back and replay, knowing what I know now. However, since I don't know a way to do that, I guess all I can do is to take my hard-earned growth forward w/me into the future and make the best use of the years to come that I can.
The anger, the fear and the bitterness do fade as I keep working my recovery. It's slow, but it does happen and I can see it when I look back over time. I feel more centered, less anxious, more peaceful than I think I have ever felt in my life before. Continuing to come to SR keeps me honest and keeps me working to better understand, learn and grow. I would not be where I am today w/o the kindness and wisdom of the SR members and the Alanon groups who have shared so much w/me.
Things hadn't felt right between XAH and I for a long time. Couldn't put my finger on any one thing, but it just wasn't right. Then one night he came downstairs from his airplane modeling studio for supper. There was a slipper on the floor, lying in his path. I watched him navigate the slipper w/unusual care, and suddenly I realized--he was DRUNK! And he'd been drunk every night for I couldn't even say how long. But yet the beer or bottle of wine we'd buy for joint consumption over the course of a couple of Friday/Saturday nights wasn't disappearing, so clearly he'd been secretly buying alcohol and secretly drinking it. For how long? WHY?
Things got ugly, and he ended up going back upstairs to sleep. It was a winter night (actually, it was Dec. 16, his birthday) and snow was falling. I went outside to shovel, since I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I remember so clearly standing out there, shoveling and crying while the snow fell. I remember the circle of light from the yard light, and the darkness beyond it. I remember thinking "I do NOT want to be 50 years old and starting over!" (I was 49 at the time.)
So I didn't do anything for my OWN recovery, didn't look for education or any sort of help, thinking it was on HIM to fix the problem. He then pretended to go to AA meetings for 4 years. I thought he was drinking many times in those years, but if I asked him, he of course denied it. After a while, I was fairly sure he was lying, but since I still hadn't bothered to educate myself about recovery and how it should look (for either him OR myself), I continued to be ruled by fear and anger. I struggled on while things got worse.
Finally in February of 2013, I looked over his shoulder while he was doing the online banking. I saw a withdrawal of $200 that was NOT in the bank book. When I confronted him, he insisted it was a mistake on the bank's part. Then he said he must have forgotten to record it. This time, I couldn't avoid the knowledge--he'd never stopped drinking or lying about it.
In fact, it turned out he'd never gone to AA; he'd just leave the house at the appropriate time and go walk in a park or sit in his car, then come back home. If I asked how the meeting was, he'd make up stories about newcomers who'd shown up, topics of discussion, and so on. He was so careful about this that if he had errands to do while in town, he'd make sure not to do them until AFTER the fictitious meeting would have been over--he wanted to make sure that if I checked the times on the credit card slips, they wouldn't conflict w/his supposed activities (as if it would ever in a million years occur to me to do that!).
So that led to me having a meltdown, finding SR in March of 2013, and running out of the house in tears one night for the nearest Alanon meeting. I struggled along for the next year and a half or so, gradually learning and getting stronger, and in November of 2014, I finally filed for a separation. That was converted to a divorce in June of 2015.
And so you see how my fear of being on my own and starting over at 50 resulted in me being on my own and starting over at 55 instead.
At first, yes, I felt I'd wasted all those years of my life. I still sometimes wish I could go back and replay, knowing what I know now. However, since I don't know a way to do that, I guess all I can do is to take my hard-earned growth forward w/me into the future and make the best use of the years to come that I can.
The anger, the fear and the bitterness do fade as I keep working my recovery. It's slow, but it does happen and I can see it when I look back over time. I feel more centered, less anxious, more peaceful than I think I have ever felt in my life before. Continuing to come to SR keeps me honest and keeps me working to better understand, learn and grow. I would not be where I am today w/o the kindness and wisdom of the SR members and the Alanon groups who have shared so much w/me.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Also, I understand the fear of having to start over after 39. At 40, there's so much discrimination in the workplace. It's hard to get hired. It's hard to get a date. But it gets harder the older you get, I think.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, pagirl. Welcome.
Some wise person once said on this site that "just because addicts get sober, it doesn't automatically make them good relationship material."
That you are seeing red flags and having doubts tells me that you should put the brakes on.
This site is filled with people who stayed with the alcoholics in their lives and came to regret it.
You have gotten good advice from people who have been through what you are now experiencing and feeling.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Some wise person once said on this site that "just because addicts get sober, it doesn't automatically make them good relationship material."
That you are seeing red flags and having doubts tells me that you should put the brakes on.
This site is filled with people who stayed with the alcoholics in their lives and came to regret it.
You have gotten good advice from people who have been through what you are now experiencing and feeling.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
I regret it. I wish I'd gotten out after 5 years. Instead, that's when we got married. I should have listened to myself.
It took me 18 years to leave (2 years ago). I'm still trying to undo, untangle, and unravel.
Please, please, please listen to your gut.
It took me 18 years to leave (2 years ago). I'm still trying to undo, untangle, and unravel.
Please, please, please listen to your gut.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
I'm at 5 years with mine as well, we got married shortly after our second anniversary. At 24 years old, I have lost the person that I was. He started drinking 2 months after we were married. If I could go back and run, I would.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
This quote below, is the thing I have trouble with the most. I keep fantasizing about AH being sober and magically coming back into my life as a sober, functioning, emotionally intelligent person. If I could hang those words around my neck, I would. (Well, I can, but then my business would be everyone's business).
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Hi, pagirl. Welcome.
Some wise person once said on this site that "just because addicts get sober, it doesn't automatically make them good relationship material."
Some wise person once said on this site that "just because addicts get sober, it doesn't automatically make them good relationship material."
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