lizatola

HORMONES!! I checked the dates of the post against my 'cycle' calendar (Yes, I'm about to get my period and it's been all over the place this past year, especially). OMG. Is premenopause exacerbating the problem? You know, I took myself off of birth control pills about 4 years ago and I was never an emotional person when I was on them. Actually, I sort of felt like a robot. But, now I cry at the drop of a hat, I have bouts of depression, which I've never struggled with before in my life, etc. I remember telling my mom that I felt like an alien was living inside of me because I was having distressing breast tenderness and painful cysts, then the next month it would be nausea for the 5 days before my period, and I get breakthrough bleeding during the month which my OB has told me is due to progesterone levels coming down. There is no rhyme or reason to my cycle anymore.....

Yes, FallenAngelina, I did mean what I said. But, we all know that with addicts their words mean nothing unless there is action behind them. I consider myself an addict since I was born into the disease of alcoholism and was married to one for so long. If I do nothing to fix this, then my words meant crap. I have a friend in program who has a blended family, whose current husband is an alcoholic, who has struggled terribly with their 'yours, mine, and ours' situation and I know she had a wonderful therapist who helped her and who worked with her and her Al Anon program stuff, as well. I already texted her to get the name of her therapist and I reached out to my sponsor, as well.

AnvilheadII

Is premenopause exacerbating the problem?

pre-menopause
peri-menopause
menopause

all of the above mean that our bodies are changing.....against our will. perfectly regular cycles are now 8 days apart, 3 weeks apart, 2 days apart. hormones are all over the place, the second they seem to regulate, there they go again. fatigue, sensitivity, brain fog.

so yeah, maybe there is something to it.........

lizatola

I honestly told my sponsor a few months ago that I thought maybe I had cancer. I was dealing with extreme exhaustion, especially after minimal exertion. I can't handle the heat this summer like I used to. I take naps now. I haven't taken naps EVER unless I was sick or physically drained from something big like moving.

She told me she was dealing with the same and referred me to her naturopathic doc who can do bioidentical hormones. I can't really afford the office visits right now nor all the blood work so I'm holding off but I do believe my body is rebelling and in more ways than I banked on. The exhaustion and emotional roller coaster has been difficult for me because they are new to me.

So, throw in my own body changes, a career change, my kid going off to college in a few weeks, dealing with 2 preteen girls who aren't my own children, and a boyfriend who is a bit emotionally not tuned in......yeah....I'm a mess.

But, there are solutions. I just need to take it one step at a time.

dandylion

There is an old adage in medicine....."When you hear hoofbeats...think of horses first...not zebras".....
It might be an idea to check for the basic things...like anemia or hypothyroid, etc......those kinds of things can be picked up on a basic blood panel.....by a general practioner.....

AnvilheadII

I can't really afford the office visits right now nor all the blood work so I'm holding off

but then again, can you afford NOT to?

honeypig

Regarding the lab work--for years now I have ordered my own labs through Health One Labs online (I am hypothyroid and can attest to how important it is to stay on top of this, as dandy mentions). You order the tests you want online and choose which local lab will perform the blood draw/urine collection/whatever. No doctor's order is needed. You pay w/a credit card (and I will say that the cost is MUCH less than when I was going through my health care provider) download your lab order, print it out, and take it to the lab.

The local lab performs the draw/collection/whatever. In a few days you receive an email w/a link for you to download your results. Since a reference range is always printed next to your results and results out of range are highlighted in red, it's easy to see if anything is showing a red flag. This way you have an idea whether anything is out of whack BEFORE scheduling the office visit. Also, you can show up w/the results in hand and discuss them w/your doc at that visit, rather than scheduling an office call, then scheduling your (expensive) lab work, and then scheduling ANOTHER office call to discuss the results.

I love the fact that the results come to ME, not my doctor's office. I of course print out a copy for my doc, but I want to know specifically what is going on, not just to have my doc scan a mysterious list, going "hmmm."

I can't say how it works if you do it through your insurance--my deductible is so high that I know I'll be paying out of pocket anyway, so I just do that to start with.

And I do realize this route may not be for you--many, if not most, people are so overwhelmed by so much of our "health care" that they would never contemplate ordering their own labs. However, if you're interested and have any further questions on how things work w/this particular company, I suggest checking their web site. You can also PM me if I can be of use.

***Let me be clear, I am NOT advocating that people try to treat or diagnose serious health conditions on their own. I AM advocating that this is a reasonably-priced way to monitor basic health parameters like a complete blood count, thyroid hormones, cholesterol and the like.***

AnvilheadII

awesome info share, hp!!!! i DID learn something new today!

hopeful4

You know what I am going to say my friend. You have to be good with you before you are good with anyone else, for whatever reason.

Just sending a you a big huge hug!

lizatola

Yep, me too! I will look into it because I was thinking of getting my thyroid checked as well as checking for anemia. I'm not afraid to take my healthcare into my own hands and my deductible isn't outrageous but sometimes it's worth it to pay for labs yourself and I do love the fact that I would get the results instead of me having to beg the admin staff at the doc's office for it, ugh!

lizatola

Love you girl! thank you.

On a positive note for today. I have been working hard with the community college across town to get accommodations made for my son AND to get him to be able to keep his scholarship and play on the tennis team. I have been meeting with the disability services people, the athletic director, and staff from the special ed services for the athletic department.....it's been a long few months of red tape, even at the community college level.

My son has been struggling with depression, trying to NOT get overwhelmed by taking college classes and playing a higher level of tennis AND living away from home. My XAH has refused to help me pay for any of this. He hasn't given his kid a dime since he stopped paying me child support back in May. He basically said that if giving his son money helps me in any way,then it's not worth it to help his son. I have no words and my heart breaks for my kid but it's also going to break my own bank account!

My friend who lives over by the school and is a calculus professor at the school has offered to let my son live with her as well as one of the other boys on the team (he's her nephew from Hungary). We will pay $400 in rent and my son said he's comfortable with living with them because we've been so close to their family over the years.

The school has decided to only require him to take 6 credits this semester, followed by a winter course for 3 credits, then 9 credits in the spring, followed by 6 credits in the summer.
That gives him the minimum needed to be on the team, but also allows him to spread out the academic work so that he doesn't get overwhelmed. So, he'll only be taking 2 classes this fall. It will be a light load and I'm hoping he adjusts well.

I spent $2000 on getting him tested by a neuropsychologist back in May to make sure they could get the accommodations in writing for his cognitive and learning disorders. So far, things are falling into place and i'm amazed at all the help we've received, starting with the college tennis coach and athletic director who really pushed this to go through.

His coach has known my son for years, as well, and has made it clear that he will work with us and make sure that my son is adjusting and finding success in his new path in life. I nearly cried when I got off the phone with the coach a few weeks ago because I was amazed at how many people were willing to help him.

Anyway, I'm trying to get this career off the ground and am starting from ground zero. I have the financial advisor title, now I just need to get some clients. I have a few clients already but there's a lot more work to do!

So, despite all my carrying on about my bf and my relationship issues, which are truly small problems in the grand scheme of things, I am happy with my life and doing my best to keep my head above water!

AnvilheadII

just curious - he's going to COMMUNITY college ACROSS town and you set him to live with someone else......

am i missing something here? why could he not continue to live at home? and save the $400 a month? can't be THAT big a town???

lizatola

Yep. It's a 45 min drive without traffic! He'd be looking at 60-70 mins in the AM and 70 mins for sure in the evening. He got a partial scholarship or else I would have had him attend close to home at the CC that is 30 mins away. We live in the desert north of Phoenix so going anywhere is a minimum 20 minute drive. Closest grocery is 15 mins. Funny thing, though, my XAh lives 1.75 miles from us so that's why I stayed up here to make sure my son could be close to both of us.

LLLisa

Your son might surprise you with his capabilities. Mine does every day. He is 19 and travels similar distances to his work (a part-time job) and University.

Also, even though I don't know much about your USA college system, these days lots of tertiary students (my son included) can do a lot of their studies online or face to face. If my son isn't up to the trip into Uni for a class, he watches it online afterwards. I was worried that he might miss out on the social life of Uni, being that he works and is mainly rushing in and out of Uni when he is there. However, my son isn't worried. He laughed when I was speaking to him about this and said: "Have you SEEN the people in my classes? They are NOT a lot of fun, it's a total nerd-zone" (he studies some new fangled IT thingamy which I don't know much about

These are very different times. When I was at Uni it was a requirement to be at 90% of classes. These days the Internet seems to have changed a lot of that.

aliciagr

Thanks for this share. Ive never heard of this, very cool. It would work great for monitoring and then follow up with the dr.

redatlanta

I don't think there is anything wrong with a mild flirting that doesn't cross the line, its always nice to feel desired. The problem is when that feeling crosses the line of desiring the person BACK when you are in a relationship. Big, Red, Flag.

I have to say that after all this time if this man is saying you are the woman of his dreams, and I don't mean this derogatory toward you at all because I think you are fantastic, but there is something wrong with him to hold on to a 25 years old fantasy that was never anything but a friendship. If this was some true love match the stuff movies are made for why did this man not swoop in when you got divorced? Now you are in another serious relationship, and he is telling you that you are the one? This guy has commitment issues as he is pursuing someone who is not available, and has not been for most of the time.

My guess if you actually started dating him it would "poof" be over before it started on your side. Here you are in another relationship - and I am sure you have told him how happy you are - yet he continues to dangle carrots and tell you "you are the one"!.

Did it ever occur to you something is wrong with this person to continue to pursue someone YOU whom is not available for 25 years?

Wisconsin

I am jumping in WAY late here, my friend, to add a couple of thoughts.

First, I echo what everyone said about needing to be good with YOU before you can be good with someone else. I know that you had a lot of frustrations passing your various licensing exams, and that there were points when you felt pretty rotten about yourself. I also know that for many of us, it can take a long time to fight back from those kind of self-esteem hits, even when we ultimately conquer the things that were giving us trouble. Perhaps the licensing struggles have made you even more vulnerable self-esteem-wise to the attractions of attention from someone else.

I agree completely that the right thing to do at this point is to cut off flirtatious contact. Whether you can maintain purely platonic contact remains to be seen, but I think you have crossed the line of propriety to discuss your relationship (even if you are saying you are happy in your relationship) with someone who has made it VERY clear that he does not respect the fact that you are in a relationship. On a related note--does his pursuit of you despite marriages and relationships on both sides, even if the pursuit is strictly electronic across a 2,500 mile distance, give you concern about his general attitude about the sanctity of a relationship? One wonders why, when learning you were married or otherwise entangled with someone, he didn't just BACK OFF ON HIS OWN ACCORD. Why do we feel that men must be "told" to back off? That's just a personal pet peeve of mine--that someone is somehow exempt from treating your relationship with respect because you haven't told him to do so.

I sympathize greatly with many of your struggles, my friend. I haven't had a problem shutting down anyone who approaches me regarding my relationship or my relationship status, but there ARE things about a lifetime with someone that scare the ever loving crap out of me, both in terms of parenting and step-parenting, and just with the relationship itself (mostly relating to my abject fear of someone changing in a way that crosses boundaries for me).

I've been very open here about my own history. When my first marriage (to a non-A) was in its final stretch, I engaged in behavior that I regret deeply and was hugely out of character for me. I am not suggesting that I never should have divorced my first husband--we should not have been married, and splitting was the right thing for everyone. But he did not deserve to be on the receiving end of the pain I inflicted on him. I spent A LONG time in therapy during and after that divorce, figuring out what the hell had gotten in to me, what kind of person I was, and what kind of person I wanted to be. And since that time in my life, I have never, ever engaged in that kind of behavior again (nor have I had even the remotest desire to--not even when my relationship with AXH, who was my SECOND husband, was at its absolute worst).

During the end of my marriage to AXH, I discovered evidence that he had been emotionally unfaithful to me. To this day, I do not believe that he had a physical affair, but the things he said about me to others, and the way he engaged with other women when he was always someone who prided himself on his integrity--it shook me to my absolute core. I wasn't even CHEATED on in the "usual" sense, and the whole experience absolutely crippled my ability to trust other people. This, in turn, has absolutely had an impact on my relationship with my gentleman friend, who is kind and loving and wonderful and has never once given me a reason to doubt him. There are days when I STILL, after over 18 months, think that we are on borrowed time, and that any moment something will change or be revealed to ruin everything. And while I realize that we all need to live one day at a time and be aware that anything can happen, it is very much a catastrophization for me, far beyond the realm of what I would consider to be a healthy, in recovery attitude about living only in the present.

Someone upthread described not doing things that would upset you if your BF did them. I echo this sentiment absolutely. My touchstone throughout my relationship with my gentleman friend (and honestly, even my relationship with AXH before he got terribly abusive and I needed to be honest with people about what was going on) has been "don't behave in ways when he's not around that you wouldn't behave if he was standing right next to you." Don't get me wrong--I chat up a few close friends about things in our relationship, and vent from time to time about the very normal relationship growing pains we experience. But I don't carry on flirtations with other men, primarily because it doesn't interest me, but also because I would be heartbroken to learn that my gentleman friend was doing that.

Much love to you, my friend. I do think connecting with a therapist on these issues would be a great way for you to dig deeper and maybe learn some new coping skills.

lizatola

He did try right after I got divorced but I was already dating my guy. I didn't have a lot of down time, as you might remember. And, yes, I agree that there is something wrong here.....both with him and with me.

I cannot do platonic with this man, as Wisconsin has suggested. not going to happen. I was drawn to him 20 plus years ago, I know we had a connection but neither of us acted on it or talked about it. We started talking about it when I was newly in my relationship with my bf and we admitted to having a connection but that we knew it was inappropriate to address it so we didn't.

Anyway, this whole thread is in the past. I have so much on my mind right now. Career pressure is killing me and I've never been so down and depressed EVER. I really can't distract myself with this other 'guy' and I honestly am not even sure I want to focus on my guy either. There's a big part of me that thinks SparkleKitty is right....I need more time alone as a single woman, possibly forever.....because I'm truly a crappy girlfriend and I have no freaking clue what I want or need or what is normal in romantic relationships at all.

Single is looking pretty darn good.

honeypig

liz, please don't beat yourself up. It's all a process, a journey, right? We're all learning and changing as we go along, and if we're NOT, then that's when something is wrong...

Take care of yourself, do what you need to do to get through this rough patch at work, and when the dust has settled and you feel calmer, your decisions are likely to be better ones.

Frustrated47

It can be intoxicating to hear such things from another person. Who wouldn't want to hear words like those? *(Especially as we age.)

If he truly is living the single CEO type lifestyle I would be very wary of his words being completely truthful and only being said to you.

Not that you aren't an attractive, strong, driven, virile woman. You absolutely may be, but my doubt comes in if this man is in his forties or older and single. I'm a very cynical person but life experiences have taught me that in that situation you are most likely NOT the only woman he has made these gestures towards. Especially if he is 2500 miles away. It's very easy to play out a fantasy online.

I wouldn't lose a sure thing over some guys' fancy words from 2500 miles away.

Personally, it's just my opinion, but I would stick with what you have from what you've described.

dandylion

Lizatola.....I agree with SparkleKitty....lol...especially, since that was the same thing that I said, in different words.....
I do not think you can go wrong by gifting yourself more time alone, as a single woman......
You have never really had that for very long....