grayghost1965

I doubt whether anyone here is qualified to diagnose him as such, and certainly not without examining him. Others have said it best - he's an alcoholic and definitely controlling from what you shared. You're better off - I have seen so many friends make themselves worse by worrying about a sh*thead like this, who is going merrily about his life.

I assume you're better than that.

SoHurt2017

Thank you so much grayghost. He is no doubt an alcoholic but he doesn't think he has a problem and isn't willing to change. The part that hurts me the deepest is exactly what you said: that he is "going merrily about his life" as though we never had a relationship and as though all the love he gave me meant nothing. It just makes me wonder whether the love was even real because to my knowledge, someone who truly loves someone and shared such a deep relationship with them doesn't just discard them like that. But all of you have said it best, that where there is alcoholism, love never wins. I am indeed better than that and I know I truly deserve better than that. I am a good woman with alot going for me, I have my life in order, and I have a great heart. I am staying strong and following the advice of all of the wise people here and I am looking forward to the day when I can wake up and just wish him well without any residual feelings of hope or anything.

Shutterbug1

This right here.

I bet you will feel like a weight is being lifted off your shoulders when you honor yourself and your son, by sending that package back on Monday.

I am so happy for you!

SoHurt2017

Thank you Shutterbug1

grayghost1965

Keep the resolve and determination strong - on days you can't do it for yourself, do it for your son. You got this.

SoHurt2017

Yes I will grayghost1965.....

Shutterbug1

Hi SoHurt,

How did it go, returning the package? How are you doing?

SoHurt2017

Thank you so much for checking in Shutterbug. It means so much. I returned the package on Monday and I have completely blocked him from contacting me. I am maintaining zero contact. It has been 5 weeks since the breakup. Today I had a rough day and I cried so much. I just thought I would be feeling better than I am 5 weeks post breakup but obviously the grieving process takes longer. I was struggling with my decision to leave knowing that he has such a long list of great qualities on one end and then, there's his alcoholism. How were you able to let go of that guilt? The feeling that on the one end there is this great, amazing guy that you love and would love to stay with, but on the other end there's this one really bad issue that was bad enough that you needed to walk away? I just miss the sweet guy but please mark my word: I have not called, I will not call and I will not go back to an alcoholic. Thank you for any advice you can give.

dandylion

SoHurt...having been through the searing pain of heartbreak myself...I can give you my answer, but, I seriously don't think you will like my answer...lol......

It is the grieving process. At least, It was for me. In reality, grieving is the very first part of healing process. Believe it, or not (probably not...lol), grieving is a process devised by Mother Nature, to enable us to recover from terrible loss.
If there was not such a process...we couldn't exist with the weight of accumulated emotional anguish and stress. Our physiology simply couldn't stand it...
It is through grief that we come to terms and come out the other end with enough peace and acceptance that we can go forward, in life.....
Grief, in the early stage, brings us to a stop...and slows us down, and forces us to look inward....we go through a lot of almost obsessive examination of the lost relationship....we re-evaluate it through new eyes...we look closer at our real selves---at the heart and soul level....we are able to be angry, at times, we are able to be sad and have no choice but to externalize and unburden ourselves of it (hence the crying).....we writhe and hurt and struggle until, finally we have examined all corners of the relationship and ourselves,,,until, finally, we can reframe the whole experience, in our minds, in a way that we can live with it and relegate it to a corner of the fabric of our lives...where it will stay as a memory of our past...but, without the tortured feelings.....Yes, we can remember that we did have pain...but, we can, no longer, feel the actual pain.
Sort of how one can remember that childbirth was shockingly painful...but, we can't feel the actual pain.....
The "guilt" that you speak of, is one of those emotions that grieving will help you to relieve yourself of.....

Yes! It does take more than 5wks. to process the grieving....actually, less than that, because you didn't cut off all contact right away....so, that delays it a bit...
It takes weeks to months...I think the one year anniversary is the real big turning point....
That has been true for me..whether it was the loss of a beloved pet, or a lover, or a husband, or a parent, or a pregnancy, or a close friend......

You are where you are supposed to be, right now....have faith in the Universe that you will be o.k., and, that it won't always feel like this......

SoHurt2017

Hi dandylion,

I couldn't be more thankful for your response. I needed to hear the cold, hard truth. You've explained the process to me so eloquently. It all makes complete sense to me now, and the key takeaway from your post is that I am okay and that I am going through a natural series of events and a natural grieving process. I just need to allow myself to go through the pain and work through it in a healthy way. I started seeing a counselor today and I am about to go to my first Alanon meeting on Tuesday. I am determined to overcome this. I have no choice. I really look forward to the day when I feel better. I am looking forward to a great, happy, healthy and fulfilled future. I will be sure to keep you posted on my progress. Hugs and again, thank you.

dandylion

SoHurt....good move in seeing a counselor and opting to go to alanon...
Having understanding others goes a long way when you are going through such a painful experienced......

Shutterbug1

Alright!!! Good move returning that package

I experienced a lot of guilt after I moved out. I was endlessly worried about him, but I had to learn to refocus. I had to accept the three C's "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it." I finally realized that his drinking problem and everything destructive that came along with it, really was all about him. It was there before I met him, it was there when I knew him, and it will be there afterwards.

It's been a long hard road of healing for me, but yours will be much shorter because you are making such good, wise decisions. You experienced a glimpse of the future with him and it scared you, for a really good reason. I know you are hurting so much right now, but if you stayed with him, I think this would be only the beginning of a world of pain so many others have suffered through for years.

It's huge lesson in letting go of what you cannot control, no matter how much you wish you could. You sound like a very kind person and it makes sense that you would want to help him and feel guilty because you feel you may have hurt him. But it's not for you to solve. You have done the right thing for you and your son, you have made a healthy, wise decision. He will find his way in the world, and as much as it hurts, he doesn't need you. You need you, and your son needs you.

AnvilheadII

one of our best lessons is learning how to Let Go even when we don't WANT to.

SoHurt2017

I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me Shutterbug. Everyday I remind myself that I made the right decision. It was so tough to walk away but you nailed it when you mentioned the glimpse of the future. That's exactly what I saw when he put me through hell one weekend by staying out all night, sleeping on the streets, drinking all day the next day, blaming me for not staying out to look out for him while he drank, being loud, cursing and continuing on his binge and ruining what was supposed to have been a beautiful vacation. This was the first time he did that to me and I was determined to make it the last time as well. I went through so much hell that weekend and by the end of the weekend I asked myself: "Is this what life with him will be like? Is this what I have to look forward to when we go on vacation? Do I want to spend life with a man who makes me worry, feel sad, cry, not trust him, lose sleep over him, etc? The answer to these questions were easy. I knew that was not what I wanted and I knew that as deeply as I loved him, that I had to walk away. I was not going to stick around for it to happen again. It was much too traumatic for me.

Yes, I so wish I could. I so wish my walking away would have been enough for him to make an effort to change but this is obviously not the case and I am gradually finding peace with that knowledge.

I only have one baby who I love with all of my heart. He is in his mid-teens right now and he said to me.... "Mom, I am so proud of you for walking away because I would have questioned you (probably a nice way of saying I would have lost respect for you) if you had stayed. Everyday I wake up, I strive to set the best example that I can for my son and that includes surrounding myself with people who can also serve as a good example for him. As much as I love this man, he is NOT a good example for my son to follow and so with that, he had to go.

Clearly it is not an easy road as you have all said but I am determined to walk through it and allow myself to go through the process in order to come out even stronger. I look forward to the day when I can look back and truly say "thank goodness I dodged that bullet". In the meantime, I am getting there, standing firm in not contacting him and in keeping him blocked from contacting me.

Thank you so much to all of you for literally taking time to comfort someone who you do not even know. It speaks volumes about the beautiful human beings that you are. Many blessing to all of you and I will continue to keep you posted.

Debbyjay

My XAH (2 months) during our first year of marriage would tell me stories about all these women he knew. I finally told him to stop, that I didn't want to hear it. We were married 2 years and divorce 2 months ago. I recently saw him when he came to pick up his stuff and he made the comment that 'there were any number of women he could hook up with in 20 minutes' but he would give me a year. What is up with that? It was so hurtful. After the last visit, I went 'no contact'.

dandylion

Debby....he is trying to save face......and trying to suck you back in....
He is dangling a carrot before your eyes......

Staying no contact is definitely the thing to do.....
Every contact is likely to bring another fresh hurt.....

Debbyjay

It's incredibly painful. I read about my X in so many posts and most say the same thing. Their spouse is so sweet, wonderful, caring BUT.... How can it be? How can alcohol or drugs be that evil? It's beyond comprehension!

dandylion

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thinking.html

Debby.....you might find this article (from our sticky collection) helpful to read.....

dandylion

**http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

**By the way...here is the link to the section of Classic Readings (in the stickies).....
There are dozens and dozens of great articles, there....
Maybe, give them a look....

Purplrks3647

Hi SoHurt......I'm not qualified to diagnose anyone, but his behavior is eerily similar to my exes ~ you may be interested in the website link below, if you haven't seen it already; it's about understanding and healing from a narcissistic relationship.

Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder

HUGS!