Smarie78

I am ashamed to post this, but here goes...

Many of you know my story and who I am dealing with, but last week when Codie side kicked in and I knew he had brought alcohol into my house despite my firm boundaries of no, I searched his bag after he passed out insisting that I was the crazy one for even thinking he could do such a thing. Upon finding the bottle that I knew was there, I also found a condom. We have not used condoms since the beginning of our relationship more than two years ago (save for shortly after I found out about the cheating and made him use them with me). Based on the expiration, it was a newly purchased condom.

The questions isn't if he is cheating (duh), but rather my reaction to it. I haven't confronted him about it and I actually don't care to. I am trying to understand why I feel this way. It was almost like I felt nothing. In the past he has cheated and I felt like I had a nervous breakdown upon discovering, but this time it was just like this blankness of not feeling anything. No real care...and not in an "I love you anyways" kind of way but in a ....I just don't care what you do anymore way.

Anyways I firmly kicked him out for violating the alcohol rule and even called police when he refused to go. I had zero qualms about it. Just needed him to GTFO. At this point he finally left before cops got there - he was eyes bulging out shocked I called them but its second nature to me now. When I say go, you go. This was a hump I had to get over that I can do very easily now.

As for the cheating...I don't know...maybe this is turning a blind eye because its what I have done this whole time to the big pink elephant in the room...or maybe because I just generally stopped caring. I am just curious about my reaction to finding a smoking gun. Has anyone else found that after a while in a relationship with a dysfunctional person you just kind of gave up caring? Not necessarily caring about them, but just getting to this point of pure....ambivalence?

Thanks for listening....this was very hard for me to write about because it's extremely embarrassing to admit my passivity and not have a better reaction like "I kicked his a$$ out of my life and told him to get lost and eat dirt!"...I didn't even tell my therapist yesterday. Too shameful. I don't know if it's just from the long term tolerance of abuse, or that I am just getting to my point of being done for good.

AnvilheadII

i suspect the non-feeling is more a survival instinct when facing traumatic events and information. we do become de-sensitized. many of us are afraid of our anger......because that isn't how "nice people" behave. and angry people upset others. and nice people don't do that either.

i think from your shares here that one thought you have clung to is that you are ALL he has. that supports your internal belief that he is really a little boy lost. and like it or not, that helps support the "savior/martyr" role you have assigned yourself.

the FACTS are:
he is a full grown adult male
he is a long-term alcoholic
he is not interested in NOT drinking
he has more "stops" on his route than just your place
he is having sex with other persons (gender unknown)
he does not respect you or your home
he will continue to use and abuse as long as you allow it

you can stop this madness any time. ANY time. really, what's the point?

Pebbles666

Hello lovely...

I'm new to SR...so don't really know your story. But could pick up a lot of things from your very brave post.
I thought I would reply as I kind of understand how you feel.
5 years ago I met Mark. We had a whirlwind relationship..we found ourselves a gorgeous house..both had good jobs...and life was sweet. Even talked about marriage etc...
Then a week after getting house ...Mark had a catastrophic spinal,stroke and after 6 months in hospital

Ariesagain

You've just stopped being surprised because your standards for acceptable behavior from him are at zero. What hasn't he done?

If being so worn down that your give a damn is broken is what it takes to get him out of your life for good, I'm all for it.

For one last time...he is not a good guy with a bad problem. He's an unrepentant asshat with a bad problem. From reading your all your posts, he has zero good qualities except he's apparently good looking. For now. That will change soon enough.

May this be the time it sticks. Let his wife deal with him.

P.S. Get tested ASAP. Addicts aren't known for their safe sex practices.

Pebbles666

He came home a paraplegic. We had to give up house...and I gave up my career as a nurse to become his full time carer..We now live in a tiny disabled friendly bedsit miles from home. I had only been with Mark 7 months when he had his injury..but guilt and obligation made me stay ..I thought love would conquer all. I sat up the hospital 10 hours a day nursing him back from the brink.
Anyway...to cut a long story short...I found out from the day we met..he was cheating..and on various dating sites..and also messaging teenage girls in other countries. I confronted him..I felt sick. And to this day ...I still feed him..and wipe his bottom.I started drinking heavily...as I couldn't forgive the deceit. Hence why I'm here. But like you...I just don't feel anything. I really don't care anymore. I go through the motions .But I'm sober now...and all,I know is...You...me...and everyone hurting HAVE to put ourselves first...and learn to like/ love ourselves. We are worth more.
Sending you all the love and strength in the world.

Xxx Pebbles xxx

LifeRecovery

My go to response in times of stress if often numbing out.

It was my husband's affair that finally got me dealing with the elephant in the room, alcohol.

I had to work through it but my numbing was not a lack of caring it was a way of protecting myself from feeling too much and getting hurt.

In the years since I had to experience and work through a lot of anger, at part at the affair at part at the alcohol use etc......I also had to look at all the anger I had not allowed myself to feel from a young age. It was a cathartic but hard time for me. I would not have gotten there though without some of the numbness in the beginning.

As someone who struggles with co-dependency as I started my recovery I often felt like detachment = not caring. I was also very confused with the part about caring for myself. I am curious if maybe you are just taking a step back, caring about you and initially this was hard for me. In reality my "caring" was probably "smothering," and I know it was controlling, but it was hard to sort all that out as I was trying on new behaviors.

Another big learning for me is that having emotions are okay.....whatever they are. I can't always control my emotions though I do have a say in my behavior around them. More feelings might come up as time goes on.....and whatever does is okay.

Smarie78

True. It nags at me. I asked him to leave for a while so I can get my thoughts back to me. This was a big step for me because usually I let him do whatever he wants... And this is horrible and gross, but dare I say I didn't want to upset HIM by my discovery of what was in his bag. Is that insanity or what? Like I was afraid to upset him by my pesky need for loyalty. It's an icky thought I know....We had a fourth of July weekend planned but thats when I discovered the booze and kicked him out (we don't live together he was just going to stay the weekend over). I ended up having a fantastic weekend with my family instead and despite the sadness and anger and missing him, I did okay and still had a blast. I do recognize however that the little voice in my head kept saying 'is he ok? is he alone? lonely?'...that something I tend to do without saying those things to myself. am I ok...am I alone...am I lonely....which I was at certain moments. Yet nobody asked me those questions.

If anything I think there is this ego part of me that always thinks I can handle pain but nobody else can so I have to protect them from it. Almost like I take the bullets because I am strong enough, but other people aren'T. Maybe it's part me and part eating up the words I hear so often. Abf and my needy brother are famous for the sob stories and they tend to go to me with them because I react with emotion. Whenever one of them comes to me with their latest disaster, my pity radar goes into overdrive and I feel I must save them....it's a crap way to live.

Abf loves to flood me with terms of endearment and things like "I can't live without you'...'please don't leave me'...'I don't know what I would do without you in my life'..."you know I would take a bullet for you and your the most important person in my world?'..and just as I am feeling strong , I start to feel trapped by those words. Not weak....but actually a feeling of entrapment. That he is stockpiling things onto me that make me feel like I can't leave (I know this is in my head and I can go at any time).

CRAY-ZY.

LeeJane

Sorry tried to attach a link but wouldn't work.

LexieCat

I'm more interested in why you care enough NOT to have told him to get lost. You've just told him he's going to the penalty box for drinking. The implication is that he's welcome back once he's sober(ish).

Nothing, it seems, is a deal-breaker. Donald Trump said he could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose one voter. Apparently this guy has a similar Teflon appeal.

Seren

Contrary to what many believe, the opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy.

Ariesagain

WORDS, girl! WORDS are nothing!!!

Does he ACT like he needs you so desperately? Does he cherish the ground you walk on? Treat you with infinite kindness and respect?

Let me help you with the rest of those sentences..

"I can't live without you" because I might have to find somewhere else to drink.

"Please don't leave me," because this little boy crap always breaks you down.

"I don't know what I'd do without you in my life," because it would take some real effort to find someone else who lets me do whatever I want and puts up with ANYTHING...you're the perfect doormat.

WORDS. If you're going to put that much stock in what he says, at least hear the unspoken part of the sentence.

AnvilheadII

Abf loves to flood me with terms of endearment and things like "I can't live without you'...'please don't leave me'...'I don't know what I would do without you in my life'..."you know I would take a bullet for you and your the most important person in my world?'..and just as I am feeling strong , I start to feel trapped by those words. Not weak....but actually a feeling of entrapment. That he is stockpiling things onto me that make me feel like I can't leave (I know this is in my head and I can go at any time).

newsflash - it's ALL BS. every.word.of.it. he only uses those words because for some reason you believe them. but they are NOT coming from a place of LOVE - they are coming from a place of manipulation.

you are not trapped. you don't even have to LEAVE. you just stop having anything to do with the wretch. your wall of denial and desire to STAY STUCK is pretty impenetrable. you are the alcoholic who drinks again the same day they get out rehab.

and I feel I must save them

and how is that working out? for them? do they LOOK like saved people? act like it? for all your heroics are they now living happy stable productive lives, contributing to society and sharing their time, talents and treasures with others?

NOPE. you aren't saving. you are enabling. cuz it does something for YOU, not them.

Smarie78

It does seem that way doesn't it. I edited my post above where I fully admit that I was afraid to confront him about the cheating for HIS sake. I let it go because I am actually afraid of standing up to him. It's messed up I know. I wasn't afraid to force him out for drinking, but I felt afraid to confront him for the obvious signs of cheating. I still feel this horrible feeling of responsibility for his feelings. I felt afraid to make him confront his unacceptable behavior at times. It's a really messed up thing - I think I have developed a fear of it because I know he will lash out at me.

firebolt

Yeah, I'm with Anvil. This stuff is traumatic, and we tend to shut off UNTIL we can deal with it all. Maybe that's a couple years down the road for you....but you are going to have to deal with it at some point, and it's not going to be easy. And you don't need to be embarrassed here...don't think many of us haven't had similar experience.

Please, PLEASE tell your therapist (they have heard worse...I PROMISE.) We are human, everybody makes mistakes. Guilt and shame and keeping secrets keeps US sick.

Ariesagain

Are you afraid of him physically?

LexieCat

From everything you've described, "lashing out" consists of accusing you of being mean, heartless, uncaring, blah blah blah. You've never mentioned a threat to your physical safety or even your property or to anyone else.

You don't have to stand there and listen. You can hang up the phone, shut the door in his face (or not open it), block your phone, your email, etc. But you won't do it because you won't give him up. Not give up ON him--give him up. God forbid he finds another enabler and never darkens your door again.

FallenAngelina

Do you think that deep down, you're afraid not of his anger, but that he would leave you?


I applaud your honesty, smarie. You really are doing good work here by being honest with us - a brave step. That's a solid foundation for more brave steps.

AnvilheadII

I felt afraid to make him confront his unacceptable behavior at times

you will not be MAKING him do ANYTHING. first, he is already very well aware of what he is doing. his actions are not unacceptable to HIM. he could really care less........

when we have boundaries, we do so to give OURSELVES guidelines into how to respond to unacceptable behavior in others. and we do so REGARDLESS of how that other might CHOOSE to react. we are not in charge of anyone else but ourselves. we are not responsible for anyone else but ourselves. we let go of our EGO and graciously ALLOW others to have their own experiences, their own thoughts, their own feelings, their own LIVES. we quit playing GOD. we let go of the myth that we know better than anyone else how they should act, what they should do. we focus SOLELY on seeing if we can manage our OWN lives...............for once.

aliciagr

This may also be one of those things that hits you a bit later. At the time, you were able to shift your thoughts to the boundary he broke, and you were focused on that as a way to remove him. Then you spent time with family and friends... that took you away from thinking too much about it. But the fact that you saw your therapist and didnt even mention you believe he was cheating... I dont know if that speaks to not caring, or just that you havent yet processed it internally yet. It sort of adds another layer separating the two of you. Perhaps one step closer to actually letting him go. He is living apart, drinking, and now he is sleeping with other women. So what is left of the relationship? Its a lot to process.

The other thing is that I wonder if you are just so used to having him do things that you feel you just have to accept and deal with. This was just one more thing piled on top. And to that, I think it might speak less to him and what he did -- than it does to how you perceive what you deserve, and to say its ok that it hurts, it was wrong, its ok to have expectations of how you should be treated. Dont stuff those feelings because you deserve to feel and express your own pain.

I think its great you posted, and are trying to sort it out. I may be way off base with my thoughts, but this is sort of how I go through my own issues when faced with something. I also journal and ask myself questions, then go back in a bit and review. I will take some of that to therapy and discuss if I need to at that point.

Sasha1972

You don't have to make him confront his unacceptable behavior. You don't have to have a showdown with him where you pull out the condom and tell him you know about his cheating. (Indeed, doing so would set you up for more drama, more engagement, more emotional energy going back and forth between the two of you ...). You don't have to "care" about his cheating, if by "caring" you mean confronting him with it, processing the event, etc.

If your reaction to finding the condom is "meh", that's fine. He's a jerk doing what jerks do, which is sleeping around on the down-low and lying by omission, no surprise there. He also has many other unappealing qualities.

There's nothing stopping you from deciding you're done with him. If you choose not to answer his emails, let him in your door, pick up the phone, etc., you can have a life that he is not part of, if that's what you want.