Alcoholic(?) girlfriend
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Alcoholic(?) girlfriend
Hey, I stummbled upon this forum while looking for answers to my concern for my gf's drinking. I'm 23 and she is 28. She is a transgender woman and lived her life as a woman since being a teenager. We're living in the US and I'm a foreigner. We are currently together for 4 months and have been living together since we've been a month together, I know it sounds rushed but we both knew that we're good together and life circumstances led us there, she was living with her ex and my roommate and I were about to finish our contract so we all just moved in a house together.
Ever since we mer I noticed her drinking but didn't realized the severity of this behavior. I was smoking tabacco and a lot of pot back then so I said to myself who am I to judge? But eventually I started to see how it was affecting her and got more and more concerned. We work near each other at a sales job so we were getting there and back home together a lot and a lot of times I noticed her being drunk sometimes as soon as 1 pm. The way she talked and had trouble remembering and concentrating were always alarming to me but couldn't point out the cause for some time, probably denying it myself. All until the point where we had fights while she was drunk, at first about random things that escalated to a fight because of here drinking and sometimes that was the reason for the fights. It always got to a point where she doesn't really pay attention to the things that being said to her and just keep reapiting the same things over and over, accusing me of criticizing and judging her and telling me to take a look at my own substance abuse problems, sometimes implying that it's better for us to not be together, followed by her waking up and regretting the things she said and making plans to stop drinking. I always asked her to be honest with me about it, whether it's the fact that she drank at all or the quantity of the alcohol she consumed("I had only one glass of wine/martini/etc") and I knew for a fact she was lying to me. I have found empty bottles in peculiar places, bottles filled with water(even beer), reciepts and so on. Lately I have stopped my smoking altogether(tabacco and pot) and she allegedly stopped smoking pot and drinking secretly and talked to me about how happy she was being sober. Yesterday she called me at work telling me she craves a glass of wine, I told her it's her choice and she got back home smelling of alcohol acting a bit drunk while insisting she had only one cup and accused me of attacking her again, and later on drinking a bit more wine during and after a dinner party at our place and deciding she's going to take a long break from that starting the next day. Today we had an argument during work and later on I met her smelling of alcohol again(only "one cup of wine" again) and being clearly drunk. When we got home I found a recipt from yesterday that proves she wasn't being honest with me, and a small bottle of wine in her purse(I hate myself for doing that but I just knew I will find it there). She's not honest about it again and went into the room with her purse a little while ago. I know she doesn't mean to lie to me and that it's the disease making her do it but her talking again about how it's better for us not to be together right makes me anxious and stressed, probably my codependent tendencies towards her(besides the emotional side of it she helps me financially as well), which I have a history of(my ex had borderline personality disorder and I showed the same behavior with her).
I understand I have nothing to do or say to change it or help her and that I need to work on my codependency and to manage my feelings and the way I handle these situations but it's breaking my heart to see it despite the little time we're together.
I just want to finish by saying how relieved I am to find this community of people going through similar things with their loved ones and how it liberats it to write it all down and sharing!
TL;DR - gf of 4 month hides and lies about her drinking
Ever since we mer I noticed her drinking but didn't realized the severity of this behavior. I was smoking tabacco and a lot of pot back then so I said to myself who am I to judge? But eventually I started to see how it was affecting her and got more and more concerned. We work near each other at a sales job so we were getting there and back home together a lot and a lot of times I noticed her being drunk sometimes as soon as 1 pm. The way she talked and had trouble remembering and concentrating were always alarming to me but couldn't point out the cause for some time, probably denying it myself. All until the point where we had fights while she was drunk, at first about random things that escalated to a fight because of here drinking and sometimes that was the reason for the fights. It always got to a point where she doesn't really pay attention to the things that being said to her and just keep reapiting the same things over and over, accusing me of criticizing and judging her and telling me to take a look at my own substance abuse problems, sometimes implying that it's better for us to not be together, followed by her waking up and regretting the things she said and making plans to stop drinking. I always asked her to be honest with me about it, whether it's the fact that she drank at all or the quantity of the alcohol she consumed("I had only one glass of wine/martini/etc") and I knew for a fact she was lying to me. I have found empty bottles in peculiar places, bottles filled with water(even beer), reciepts and so on. Lately I have stopped my smoking altogether(tabacco and pot) and she allegedly stopped smoking pot and drinking secretly and talked to me about how happy she was being sober. Yesterday she called me at work telling me she craves a glass of wine, I told her it's her choice and she got back home smelling of alcohol acting a bit drunk while insisting she had only one cup and accused me of attacking her again, and later on drinking a bit more wine during and after a dinner party at our place and deciding she's going to take a long break from that starting the next day. Today we had an argument during work and later on I met her smelling of alcohol again(only "one cup of wine" again) and being clearly drunk. When we got home I found a recipt from yesterday that proves she wasn't being honest with me, and a small bottle of wine in her purse(I hate myself for doing that but I just knew I will find it there). She's not honest about it again and went into the room with her purse a little while ago. I know she doesn't mean to lie to me and that it's the disease making her do it but her talking again about how it's better for us not to be together right makes me anxious and stressed, probably my codependent tendencies towards her(besides the emotional side of it she helps me financially as well), which I have a history of(my ex had borderline personality disorder and I showed the same behavior with her).
I understand I have nothing to do or say to change it or help her and that I need to work on my codependency and to manage my feelings and the way I handle these situations but it's breaking my heart to see it despite the little time we're together.
I just want to finish by saying how relieved I am to find this community of people going through similar things with their loved ones and how it liberats it to write it all down and sharing!
TL;DR - gf of 4 month hides and lies about her drinking
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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I forgot to mention that she has a DUI which she allegedly got for drinking in a parked car with the keys in the ignition(I honestly don't believe any of it).
Another thing, should I confornt her for the bottle I found in her purse? She passed out in the living room and the bottle is not there anymore.
Another thing, should I confornt her for the bottle I found in her purse? She passed out in the living room and the bottle is not there anymore.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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I'm a "double winner' recovering drunk/co-dependent. My ex is also active alcoholic..Anyways.. I understand the financial support she gives but,at 4months I'd run and figure something else out for $$. 2nd job or something.
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Hi KK, have a really good look around the forum, and read the 'stickies' at the top to educate yourself about alcoholism.
The drinking, concealment, denial and lies are classic behaviour. You're concerned about your GF, but that's not going to stop her drinking. Neither is confronting her, tracking her intake or searching for bottles. You know she's got a problem but until she's ready to admit that to herself, and want to become sober there's little chance of her changing.
Have a think about whether you want to stay in the relationship. You're not far in, and chances are she's not going to change. It's completely your choice, but getting out now might be the least hurtful thing for both of you.
The drinking, concealment, denial and lies are classic behaviour. You're concerned about your GF, but that's not going to stop her drinking. Neither is confronting her, tracking her intake or searching for bottles. You know she's got a problem but until she's ready to admit that to herself, and want to become sober there's little chance of her changing.
Have a think about whether you want to stay in the relationship. You're not far in, and chances are she's not going to change. It's completely your choice, but getting out now might be the least hurtful thing for both of you.
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Kk, I'm glad you found us here at SR, and I hope you can do a lot of reading around the forum. Between the threads and the "stickies" at the top of the page, you can get a pretty extensive education about alcoholism and alcoholics.
You're already at the place where you see the same unhealthy patterns playing out over and over in your relationship (lying, deflecting any discussion of her problems onto YOUR problems, etc.). You're only 4 months into this relationship, still in the early "honeymoon" phase when both partners are (or should be) on their best behavior. If this is the BEST it will ever be, is that good enough for you? It surely doesn't sound like you're happy being treated this way--what healthy human being would be happy about it?
Do some reading, educate yourself, and then think seriously if you want to sign up for a year, 5 years, 10 years or more of this. If you have substance issues of your own that need to be dealt with, then it's up to you to decide when/how to deal with them. However, it is NOT an excuse for her to lie to and abuse you, or to point to your issues in order to obscure her own.
You're already at the place where you see the same unhealthy patterns playing out over and over in your relationship (lying, deflecting any discussion of her problems onto YOUR problems, etc.). You're only 4 months into this relationship, still in the early "honeymoon" phase when both partners are (or should be) on their best behavior. If this is the BEST it will ever be, is that good enough for you? It surely doesn't sound like you're happy being treated this way--what healthy human being would be happy about it?
Do some reading, educate yourself, and then think seriously if you want to sign up for a year, 5 years, 10 years or more of this. If you have substance issues of your own that need to be dealt with, then it's up to you to decide when/how to deal with them. However, it is NOT an excuse for her to lie to and abuse you, or to point to your issues in order to obscure her own.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Thanks everyone for the support and replies!
I'm currently taking it day by day with my own substance issues and so far I have made good progress with the way I deal with it.
She is a sweet and kind person when she is sober and we're definitely in what you call the honeymoon phase when she's not drinking. I do see that she wants to become better and that she has made good progress so far ever since we met and I started to confront her about it, I recently understood that every progress is good no matter how small and she does drink much less then she used to and even if she smokes pot behind my back it's a lot less then the times we were both smoking. I do fear though that she falsely believes she can deal with it on her own and I encouraged her multiple times to go to AA meetings/therapy.
I don't like to put labels but I've been bearing myself over the question whether she's an alcoholic or not, I understand it's more of a spectrom then a black or white definition and I don't know if I should insist on trying to get her to understand she has an alcohol abuse problem or just let get to that conclusion by herself? She said that a few times but after some time she claims that it's not really a problem and that she just needs to be more strong-minded. She has been through a lot and managed to succeed on her own and I'm very proud of her for that.
I'm currently taking it day by day with my own substance issues and so far I have made good progress with the way I deal with it.
She is a sweet and kind person when she is sober and we're definitely in what you call the honeymoon phase when she's not drinking. I do see that she wants to become better and that she has made good progress so far ever since we met and I started to confront her about it, I recently understood that every progress is good no matter how small and she does drink much less then she used to and even if she smokes pot behind my back it's a lot less then the times we were both smoking. I do fear though that she falsely believes she can deal with it on her own and I encouraged her multiple times to go to AA meetings/therapy.
I don't like to put labels but I've been bearing myself over the question whether she's an alcoholic or not, I understand it's more of a spectrom then a black or white definition and I don't know if I should insist on trying to get her to understand she has an alcohol abuse problem or just let get to that conclusion by herself? She said that a few times but after some time she claims that it's not really a problem and that she just needs to be more strong-minded. She has been through a lot and managed to succeed on her own and I'm very proud of her for that.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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This is the most important part of your post in my humble opinion: "her talking again about how it's better for us not to be together right makes me anxious and stressed, probably my codependent tendencies towards her(besides the emotional side of it she helps me financially as well), which I have a history of(my ex had borderline personality disorder and I showed the same behavior with her)."
You need to get right with you before you are capable of being in a strong loving relationship , you seem to know that already (seems that she knows that she does too). What's stopping you from making the necessary changes?
You need to get right with you before you are capable of being in a strong loving relationship , you seem to know that already (seems that she knows that she does too). What's stopping you from making the necessary changes?
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FYI, people can and are charged with DUIs for sitting behind the wheel with the keys in the ignition. So I wouldn't necessarily assume that isn't true.
But yes, the lying and hiding are pretty much classic alcoholic behavior. With alcoholism, drinking "less" isn't really a sign of "progress"--first of all, you can't know if she really is drinking less because she's hiding it, right? And I was aware of my "problem" with drinking for many years before I was ready to give it up. And during that time my alcoholism continued to progress, despite my efforts to "moderate" it.
What I'm seeing here is a determination on your part to "fix" her so she's a suitable partner, and statements from her suggesting she has no desire to be "fixed." The harder you try to wear down her resistance, the uglier this is likely to get. So I'd take her at her word that this isn't likely to be a workable relationship right now. I'd suggest backing off, letting her go her own way. Maybe she actually will decide she's sick enough of drinking to do the work to get sober--but that could be months/years/decades away, and in the meantime you yourself are likely to become someone you don't want to be.
But yes, the lying and hiding are pretty much classic alcoholic behavior. With alcoholism, drinking "less" isn't really a sign of "progress"--first of all, you can't know if she really is drinking less because she's hiding it, right? And I was aware of my "problem" with drinking for many years before I was ready to give it up. And during that time my alcoholism continued to progress, despite my efforts to "moderate" it.
What I'm seeing here is a determination on your part to "fix" her so she's a suitable partner, and statements from her suggesting she has no desire to be "fixed." The harder you try to wear down her resistance, the uglier this is likely to get. So I'd take her at her word that this isn't likely to be a workable relationship right now. I'd suggest backing off, letting her go her own way. Maybe she actually will decide she's sick enough of drinking to do the work to get sober--but that could be months/years/decades away, and in the meantime you yourself are likely to become someone you don't want to be.
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Originally Posted by Kushkush 
I understand I have nothing to do or say to change it or help her and that I need to work on my codependency and to manage my feelings and the way I handle these situations but it's breaking my heart to see it despite the little time we're together.
What are you doing to address your codependent thoughts?
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