Newlife17

Just returned from a wonderful day with old friends and my child. This was after an extremely emotionally taxing week at work, and now I'm taking steps to look for new job opportunities where I feel I can grow. AH stayed behind to do work around the home, and drink.
He went to a "meeting" right after we came back as usual.
Gets me to thinking-- is it typical for A's to take extreme offense when they aren't thanked right away for what they perceive as grand gestures? It happened today And countless other times before. He blames me for leaving to go drink-- really? Like I shouldn't feel resentful for the years of continuous chaos, no physical or emotional intimacy? His sole relationship is with our child, and it's getting to be disturbing. Like he gets upset at the notion that she's going to grow up and not want to hang out so much with her parents.
He gets really upset at anyone if he doesn't feel like he's appreciated but especially me and his family of origin.
Mind you- he said not one word of thanks or appreciation to me for giving him a nice Father's Day. Not one word. I didn't expect it at all. Six years ago he would have, but I haven't heard anything positive in the last year and a half.
I feel like I will be so
Relieved after seeing my lawyer this week. I have moments where I still want to believe he will change, but mostly these days I feel like I want and deserve so much more than this, and I just want to get on with it.

AnvilheadII

it's disturbing any time a parent USES their child for their own emotional deficit. any time they expect the child to GIVE them something. that means the the boundaries of PARENT have been broken, and the child is no longer safe or protected from the dysfunction of the adult.

Bekindalways

Glad you had a good day Newlife. I hope you have some plans more wonderful days.

May the lawyer appointment be a step towards a much better life.

FeelingGreat

Hi NL, I don't think it's just As that want to be thanked for doing something that should be on their list anyways, it's just a certain type of guy. Maybe their mothers did everything for them?
He sounds self centered but if he wasn't always like that, maybe the drinking has brought it out in him.
I hope the appointment with the lawyer goes well. Be careful during this period because he seems off-balance now, and it may get worse.

honeypig

XAH always expected tremendous thanks and appreciation for doing what is just "business as usual" for other folks. I don't feel I was unappreciative, and I did thank him for doing things, but it was never enough...

I can remember him saying, on more than one occasion, "I could have lied to you about this or that but I didn't", apparently feeling that it was some great achievement to simply be honest about some small thing in day-to-day life. Looking back, I should have taken that a lot more seriously than I did, in terms of whether or not this was someone in recovery, someone I'd want to be tied to emotionally, legally, financially.

LeeJane

I have encountered this, both in myself and other people. I think is basic immaturity. Wanting thanks and fanfare for things that mature adults just do as part of their normal day.

I work on no longer doing it.

honeypig

Exactly. While it's one thing to pat myself on the back for the small achievements I make in moving my life forward on a daily basis, it is, after all, ME doing the patting of MY OWN back. It's unrealistic to expect a ticker tape parade from the world b/c I took the trash out.

And as you say, it's just part of being an adult and acting w/some maturity to do what needs to be done and get on with it, whether anyone else knows about it or not.

LeeJane

Thanks for your response, Honey Pig.

And the strange thing is, once I stopped expecting an outside source to praise me and starting to quietly act in a right and adult way, I began to get a feeling of self esteem and quiet satisfaction within myself.

It feels authentic and deeply fulfilling. Tasks have become a genuine pleasure. Both the doing of them and the end result.

HikerLady

My AH used to say similar things and as his alcoholism progressed it became quite clear that he was simply magnifying what he thought other people's faults were, grasping at anything he felt was a slight. Glad you are working on moving forward in your life!

Newlife17

Honeypig- I've heard that also (I could have lied about such and such...) followed by lie after lie.
It's somewhat comforting to know these behaviors are so common across the board only because I've felt literally like I was going completely insane at times.

Newlife17

Hikerlady, what you say makes sense to me. Grasping for any slight and looking for any flaw. For instance, this morning when he said "you can't even look at me" when I spoke to him.

hopeful4

YES!! My XAH thought I should absolutely thank him for every little thing. Never mind it was an act of congress just to get him to do one little thing. Not kidding. Who was thanking me for single handedly raising our kids and running our home? Oh yea....no one! Honestly, when we split and he moved out, life became so much easier, one less person for me to take care of!

Glad you had a good weekend!

Nata1980

Yes! It is absolutely 100% typical. That what alcoholics do. "I don't feel appreciated" was a common way to start a fight. When asked what is appropriate level of appreciation is and how it needs to be shown - he pouted and shut me down.

Even now, when we are divorced, he states that I should appreciate him paying child support more. And I always say thank you.

Can't win.