Need support still
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
First of all, I think it is great you have made some positive changes in your life. That includes coming back here and asking for support even when you can feel that some of us are frustrated with you.
I think we feel that frustration, partly because like has already been mentioned, we have been "you". We know the pain you are living in because of your addict, we know the pain of leaving and the pain of learning to live a life with out them.... we also know it does not stay painful forever... it's frustrating to say the same things over and over to you and yet still watch you choosing to live in the pain. It is exactly like watching our alcoholics/addicts throw away their health and happiness for the substances they choose to consume. He is your drug of choice. You are making a poor choices because of your addiction. We can see that, and that is painful to watch.
I have a mother who is a major codie/enabler. She used to come to my home, bawling her eyes out, crying in my arms like a child because of some fresh hell my brother had inflicted into her life. CORRECTION: some fresh hell she ALLOWED my brother to inflict into her life.... anyways, I would do my best to calm her down, let her talk herself out, make her a cup of tea, get the tears under control and have her get her grip back. I spent a lot of energy propping my mum up, so she could take that energy right back and continue on in her sick relationship with my brother. It was exhausting for me. I realized I was being codependent to her codependence, just as I had been codependent to my (ex)husband's alcoholism. I wasn't willing to go any further down that rabbit hole once I realized what was happening. I had to stop "helping" her " help" my brother, for my own health.
The point of me telling you that is, that I think some of us feel a bit triggered to watch your addiction rip you apart while wanting us to keep propping you up through the whole thing. I know I do.
Now all that being said, I am glad you are here!!! I am glad you keep posting and reaching out for help.. I wish I had asked and accepted help a lot soon then I did. No one wants you to stop posting or asking for support, we just really want you to do the right thing and stop "using" your exfiance. We want you to stop accepting his venom as much as you want him to stop drinking his poison.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Keep making the small changes and hopefully you will come to the realization that only you can make the one big change that truly will change your life for the better.
*hugs*
I think we feel that frustration, partly because like has already been mentioned, we have been "you". We know the pain you are living in because of your addict, we know the pain of leaving and the pain of learning to live a life with out them.... we also know it does not stay painful forever... it's frustrating to say the same things over and over to you and yet still watch you choosing to live in the pain. It is exactly like watching our alcoholics/addicts throw away their health and happiness for the substances they choose to consume. He is your drug of choice. You are making a poor choices because of your addiction. We can see that, and that is painful to watch.
I have a mother who is a major codie/enabler. She used to come to my home, bawling her eyes out, crying in my arms like a child because of some fresh hell my brother had inflicted into her life. CORRECTION: some fresh hell she ALLOWED my brother to inflict into her life.... anyways, I would do my best to calm her down, let her talk herself out, make her a cup of tea, get the tears under control and have her get her grip back. I spent a lot of energy propping my mum up, so she could take that energy right back and continue on in her sick relationship with my brother. It was exhausting for me. I realized I was being codependent to her codependence, just as I had been codependent to my (ex)husband's alcoholism. I wasn't willing to go any further down that rabbit hole once I realized what was happening. I had to stop "helping" her " help" my brother, for my own health.
The point of me telling you that is, that I think some of us feel a bit triggered to watch your addiction rip you apart while wanting us to keep propping you up through the whole thing. I know I do.
Now all that being said, I am glad you are here!!! I am glad you keep posting and reaching out for help.. I wish I had asked and accepted help a lot soon then I did. No one wants you to stop posting or asking for support, we just really want you to do the right thing and stop "using" your exfiance. We want you to stop accepting his venom as much as you want him to stop drinking his poison.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Keep making the small changes and hopefully you will come to the realization that only you can make the one big change that truly will change your life for the better.
*hugs*
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
OT 
I know it hurts, OT. We have all endured emotional pain because of an alcoholic loved one. Emotional pain is awful, and even has physical symptoms. Which can't be helping your health, I know.
I think the addiction analogy still applies. Chasing after your drug of choice (your fiance), twisting yourself to be whatever you think it will take to make him stay in an attempt to alleviate the pain you feel. Just as an addict will do almost anything to get that next hit, that next drink to keep the demons and bad things in life at bay.
It breaks my heart for you, OT, because the longer you chase after this man, the more pain you will feel. I hope that someday very soon, the pain of staying will outweigh the pain of leaving....and you will free yourself once and for all and begin to heal.
Please take good care.
I know it hurts, OT. We have all endured emotional pain because of an alcoholic loved one. Emotional pain is awful, and even has physical symptoms. Which can't be helping your health, I know.
I think the addiction analogy still applies. Chasing after your drug of choice (your fiance), twisting yourself to be whatever you think it will take to make him stay in an attempt to alleviate the pain you feel. Just as an addict will do almost anything to get that next hit, that next drink to keep the demons and bad things in life at bay.
It breaks my heart for you, OT, because the longer you chase after this man, the more pain you will feel. I hope that someday very soon, the pain of staying will outweigh the pain of leaving....and you will free yourself once and for all and begin to heal.
Please take good care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
I am not gonna lie, things are really rough. I had some days that weren't too bad, and then the bottom dropped out. I have been reluctant to post because people here are getting frustrated with me. But I need all the support I can get.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
What is your plan?
Over on the alcoholics side we talk a great deal about the need for a plan so when we are tempted to relapse, we have a plan in place for what to do instead of drinking.
Do you have plans for things you can do when you feel as if you are about to relapse on this poisonous relationship?
Have you resumed your therapy?
I assume he's gone again...fourth of July and all...
P.S. Waiting around for his next relapse or his next homecoming is not a recovery plan.
Over on the alcoholics side we talk a great deal about the need for a plan so when we are tempted to relapse, we have a plan in place for what to do instead of drinking.
Do you have plans for things you can do when you feel as if you are about to relapse on this poisonous relationship?
Have you resumed your therapy?
I assume he's gone again...fourth of July and all...
P.S. Waiting around for his next relapse or his next homecoming is not a recovery plan.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: former texan
Posts: 216
OT
Simply put, without a plan, us alcoholics, and codes are lost. The plan becomes the boundary, the commitment becomes the strength.
It is within any person's power to find the plan.
I know that Dee over on the newcomers forum is posting plans all the time.
Wondering if any of the wise souls of family and friends have links that they can share for plans for the codependant?
If It's a sticky at the top, sorry I missed it.
You can get through this. You can find the little pieces of strength in you and string them together. You can even fake it till you make it.
Give yourself the power. It's yours to take.
Simply put, without a plan, us alcoholics, and codes are lost. The plan becomes the boundary, the commitment becomes the strength.
It is within any person's power to find the plan.
I know that Dee over on the newcomers forum is posting plans all the time.
Wondering if any of the wise souls of family and friends have links that they can share for plans for the codependant?
If It's a sticky at the top, sorry I missed it.
You can get through this. You can find the little pieces of strength in you and string them together. You can even fake it till you make it.
Give yourself the power. It's yours to take.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
Thank you! I make plans, I have taken some actions, but it hasn't been enough. Each day between my kids and work and my illness and drs. appointments I am in a constant state of overwhelmed. Then in between ex fiancee comes back around and I jump back into his arms until he disappears again. So hard.
I have still been walking, doing yoga, and getting together with friends and family. I have been messaging on this site as well as a suicide prevention site.
But still really struggling to survive.
I have still been walking, doing yoga, and getting together with friends and family. I have been messaging on this site as well as a suicide prevention site.
But still really struggling to survive.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
OT
Have you been completely honest with your doctor about how you have been feeling? I really think it is time to pull out all the stops to get some relief for the anxiety and depression and the suicidal ideation you are experiencing. This may involve another hospital stay, upping the number of counseling appointments, sending your children to live with their father for a time. This is all hands on deck, OT.
Please do what it takes to help yourself and your children. I have all faith that you can do this!!
Have you been completely honest with your doctor about how you have been feeling? I really think it is time to pull out all the stops to get some relief for the anxiety and depression and the suicidal ideation you are experiencing. This may involve another hospital stay, upping the number of counseling appointments, sending your children to live with their father for a time. This is all hands on deck, OT.
Please do what it takes to help yourself and your children. I have all faith that you can do this!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Dear OT,
What kind of support do you need? I understand the dream of wanting that someone we love to ride in and take away all our pain. That simply is not going to happen here.
So, aside from that, how can we help? What do help and support look like to you?
Do you want someone to tell you it will all be alright? Do you want someone to tell you he will change and be the man you dream about? I can't and won't tell you that. Based on his past actions and your continual acceptance of them, I don't believe he will change because he has no reason to do so. Your love for him is not enough. My love for my addicted family members is not enough. He is who he is until *he* decides to be something else....
Do you want to be reassured that you are worth happiness, joy, and peace? Do you want someone to say that you *are* loveable and worthy of the utmost respect and the best possible treatment? I can definitely tell you that you are. Sadly, you will not get it from him.
The only way forward to the joy-filled and peaceful life you truly deserve is for *you* to take that first step. None of us can do that for you. Only you can do that next.right.thing.
What kind of support do you need? I understand the dream of wanting that someone we love to ride in and take away all our pain. That simply is not going to happen here.
So, aside from that, how can we help? What do help and support look like to you?
Do you want someone to tell you it will all be alright? Do you want someone to tell you he will change and be the man you dream about? I can't and won't tell you that. Based on his past actions and your continual acceptance of them, I don't believe he will change because he has no reason to do so. Your love for him is not enough. My love for my addicted family members is not enough. He is who he is until *he* decides to be something else....
Do you want to be reassured that you are worth happiness, joy, and peace? Do you want someone to say that you *are* loveable and worthy of the utmost respect and the best possible treatment? I can definitely tell you that you are. Sadly, you will not get it from him.
The only way forward to the joy-filled and peaceful life you truly deserve is for *you* to take that first step. None of us can do that for you. Only you can do that next.right.thing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by OT4Kids 
I want someone to take this pain away. I want consistent help in my every day life for the things I cannot manage.
Yes, I have been completely honest with my doctor.
Yes, I have been completely honest with my doctor.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
OT4Kids, you want someone to take your pain away. Why can't that someone be you?
You are giving your love to someone who repeatedly takes it and flushes it down the toilet. It's not because your love is worthless - it's because you've selected a recipient who is a bonafide jerk.
Are you scared and resentful that your rescue depends on yourself? I can understand if that thought seems overwhelming but once you become accustomed to it it can be the most freeing thought of all.
You are giving your love to someone who repeatedly takes it and flushes it down the toilet. It's not because your love is worthless - it's because you've selected a recipient who is a bonafide jerk.
Are you scared and resentful that your rescue depends on yourself? I can understand if that thought seems overwhelming but once you become accustomed to it it can be the most freeing thought of all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
So, so sorry we can't take the pain away OT.
Unfortunately codies like alcoholics have to go through the pain of abstinence. We can support as you do this but we can't help you to do it.
Stay strong lady and get back on the no-contact horse.
Unfortunately codies like alcoholics have to go through the pain of abstinence. We can support as you do this but we can't help you to do it.
Stay strong lady and get back on the no-contact horse.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by OT4Kids
I want someone to take this pain away.
The one thing that would make the pain instantly better for me is never going to happen. And so I just have to keep walking through it, and it gets a bit easier every day. Still, some days the grief can be overwhelming and I cry quite a bit. Those are days I must also just walk through.
I will make it out the other side of my grief. I don't know what I'm going to find there, but I know I will make it there. You, too, will make it to the other side of this pain if you will just allow yourself to move forward through it. Believe me, I know what I am talking about.
Originally Posted by OT4Kids
I want consistent help in my every day life for the things I cannot manage.
For cleaning and laundry, can you call a license and bonded service to come in once a week or every other week or even just once a month?
For home repair, etc., can you look up a handiman on a service like Home Advisor (free) or Angie's List (membership required)?
Do you need help with the grocery shopping? There are always grocery shopping and delivery services popping up.
For yard work, can you check with your church (if you belong to one) and see if the church youth group can help you as part of a service project? Our youth group do yard clean up and painting all the time.
Once I finally get all of my late husband's papers and books organized, I hope to hire someone to come in once a month just to help me give the house a good scrub!
Originally Posted by OT4Kids
Yes, I have been completely honest with my doctor.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
I would like to hire help but money is an issue for me...I paid a lot of money when I got divorced, and then bought a house that ex fiancee was supposed to help me pay the mortgage on.
A big issue is that I am too sick to keep working but doctors don't want to complete paperwork to put me on disability. It is tricky with my job as they won't let me reduce my hours.
It really takes all of my energy to get thru the day at work and take care of my kids. It is really hard for me to get to my doctors and therapists appointments on top of that.I have to spread my doctors appointments out.
I really am trying! Today I want to go to the local crisis center but I have my kids and their activities and and need to catch up on paperwork for work and some basic cleaning at home. I am not able to manage the things that other people can. I think due to my illnesses and then side effects from meds.
A big issue is that I am too sick to keep working but doctors don't want to complete paperwork to put me on disability. It is tricky with my job as they won't let me reduce my hours.
It really takes all of my energy to get thru the day at work and take care of my kids. It is really hard for me to get to my doctors and therapists appointments on top of that.I have to spread my doctors appointments out.
I really am trying! Today I want to go to the local crisis center but I have my kids and their activities and and need to catch up on paperwork for work and some basic cleaning at home. I am not able to manage the things that other people can. I think due to my illnesses and then side effects from meds.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OT4 Kids....I sent you a long PM, in the past about taking steps toward finding the practical day to day help that you need....(I hope you got it?)...
I Encourage you to seek the help of County social services...social worker...to help you nail down local sources of free help...
I lived in your section of Maryland, and I found their social services department to be very helpful....They helped me get through my PA program (Physician Assistant) with three kids as a single mother (at the time)....
I have a girlfriend who lives in Virginia...she went to the local woman's shelter and they put her in contact with a worker who helped her to get all of the papper work for disability done...and, it was approved.....
I think you have to be proactive and tell the people, up front---"I have a disability and I badly need help".
sometimes, it is true...the old saying..."The door that squeaks is the one that gets the oil"
I Encourage you to seek the help of County social services...social worker...to help you nail down local sources of free help...
I lived in your section of Maryland, and I found their social services department to be very helpful....They helped me get through my PA program (Physician Assistant) with three kids as a single mother (at the time)....
I have a girlfriend who lives in Virginia...she went to the local woman's shelter and they put her in contact with a worker who helped her to get all of the papper work for disability done...and, it was approved.....
I think you have to be proactive and tell the people, up front---"I have a disability and I badly need help".
sometimes, it is true...the old saying..."The door that squeaks is the one that gets the oil"
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