hopeful4

I think family can be a support system to someone who is trying to recover. Just like anything, including any sickness, people have free will and you cannot make them accept treatment. If we were all that powerful, none of us would have addicts in our lives.

So for myself, I would have been willing to stand my my XAH had he chosen the path of recovery. He did not, and I could not make that happen. That is not manipulation in any form, it's fact.

ANY doctor or anyone else will tell you, if a person does not want to recover for themselves, they won't recover.

Frankly, I have a big beef with feeling responsible for anyone else's sobriety. Addiction doctors have one patient, that of the addict. They are not looking at what is good for the family members or support system. I have heard this time and time again, a rehab pushing a person to go home to a family that is not ready to have them there yet because they need the family to support them. How about what the family needs for their own support??

FireSprite

It also dumps a heckuva lot of responsibility on my lap to properly interpret & diagnose his behaviors & symptoms. To hold him accountable as if I ever wanted to play judge jury & executioner in my marriage. To set up camp on his side of the street & operate primarily on assumptions. As if I knew what he felt, why he was going through whatever or what the right way to maneuver it IS. I barely know that info for MYSELF. I'm not a counselor, or a teacher, or a member of the clergy for a reason. I am also a full time mom, employee & run a household with a lot on my plate. But I'm not an unsupportive spouse for NOT wanting to play that role.

Ahhhh..... see.... but that's exactly my point. In the example shared by the OP there was no reaching out for personal support. It was all about tattling on his misbehaviors.

If it had been about her, the convo might have gone more like this: "Hey, I'm sorry to bother you all but things have been tough going for me lately & I was hoping you could maybe help me out with some babysitting time so I could get away for a meeting/ alone time/ shopping with friends/ whatever helps me recharge."

THAT'S asking for help but not inserting his parents into his issue. THAT's keeping it on your own side of the street. Sure - she can go vent with a good friend, sponsor, counselor - of course her feelings & concerns are valid.

I influence others around me by walking my talk. By owning MY behaviors & leading by example. Beyond that it's not up to me to decide how others around me could use my help & personally, I find it gross-feeling to be so presumptuous as to assume that I even KNOW what the right thing for them IS. I'm nobody's HP.

tomsteve

im not that smart. buuut to me "wanting to watch over him and make sure that he is ok"
wouldnt involve calling daddy to let him know whats going on.
imo, thats more like an addiction to drama ,chaos, and trying to drag others into it.

amy55

I did this also. I realized that I could not control my ex, so I tried to get his family to control him. I later realized that it was all about control, and dropped the rope.

tomsteve

going back through some of your posts, it seems that ya had a wee bit of time to run around tryin to rescue hubby while being a single parent.
im sure IF you truly wanted to, you could arrange the time to help yourself.

batchel9

Right wrong or other, I was not wanting to watch over him but was hoping that someone would.

LexieCat

But you know, he's a grown man. He is capable of reaching out to his own family if he feels he wants their support. He's not hooked up to a breathing tube with no way to let his folks know whatever he chooses to let them know.

I am choosing not to tell my 88-y/o father about this lung cancer deal. He'd undoubtedly WANT to know, if someone asked him. But I'm choosing to spare him the gory details. It wouldn't help anyone, IMO, for him to know it. Your husband may have his own reasons--good ones or bad ones--for not reaching out to his family at this time. Realistically, they aren't going to be any more capable of helping him than you were. I would have wished his dad had been a bit more thoughtful of your feelings in his response, but we don't get to choose how other people behave.

hopeful4

I completely understand this. It's a lot easier to let go when you know someone else is stepping in, which is just why his family thinks it should be you.

Big hugs.

aliciagr

I guess the only point I wanted to make is that we are all here as family members or friends. We are united in this and the many emotions and issues that arise from it. I dont think there will ever be resolve on what addiction is, or anything around this topic, On the family side I only think its important because our views shape our actions and feelings to some extent so what may seem an unhealthy response to one person could well be within the boundaries that another person has established for their own health, safety, and sanity. I think the real issue on the family side is sharing what goes on in our lives, how it makes us feel, looking to see if we have developed unhealthy patterns in our lives and are blind to it. I feel that I have symptoms related to the situation Im currently in. It may be confusion, stress, bouts of codependency, or just man what my Inlaw said made me upset and Im struggling with it today. (I recently posted about how my MIL made me feel sad from what she had said to me). I have to learn to cope with things and obtain a sense of peace inside myself. So its not really about the addict, or helping the addict, or anything else.. its about myself being ok on the inside no matter what my personal beliefs or views are.

AnvilheadII

Practice these principles in all our affairs.....

final words of the 12th step. one of the principles that this post made me think about was in the Amends step, Step Nine - where we are guided to:

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

focusing on the underlined part, i think we need to be very circumspect when it comes to hauling others into the addict's mess. everyone says well call the parents........mind you the addict is 40 and the parents are in their 60s. but they are still "expected" to leap into action and somehow FIX things. or we just want them "to know what's going on" as if we are passing the torch.

but is that really FAIR? has consideration been given to whether or not this might "injure" them in some way, cause THEM harm? not just parents - siblings, cousins, uncles, grampas and best friends. have we really thought about the bomb we are handing them? the one that explodes like a dye pack in a bag of stolen money, getting all over everything, and often INDELIBLE?? have we thought that maybe they don't wanna get on the bus? or that simply no good comes from "sharing" updates about the addict?

Maudcat

Yah, comes a point when, for one's own sanity, you gotta walk away.
Maybe not literally, but you have to protect what little humanity you have left when living with an addict.
However you do that is up to you.

aliciagr

For me I feel like its not my problem what someone else does with anything I might share with them. In some cases I have learned what the response will be and then I take that into consideration as to what I might share. For example, it was suggested it might be an unfair burden to tell my mom details of the physical abuse I experienced when my husband was in the midst of his crazy phase. There were thoughts she would carry this burden, never be able to look at me or my husband the same. But I know the relationship I have with my mom, and I know my authentic self and I needed to tell her. I also felt like she could handle it emotionally. But I couldnt control her feelings or her actions regarding that news. She was supportive and I think she has dealt with it ok on her end. But likewise I would have used my knowledge to sway me against sharing something like that if my mom had a violent temper, emotional issues, and I felt there was a high risk it would make everything worse. Getting to this point can require a learning curve.

I guess I do have a sense of family however. Some of these things I think come down to the relationships we have with other people in our lives. I never expected my inlaws to fix the problem, or do anything specific. I did think my parents might be able to have a positive influence and I was right about that... But in regards to my inlaws, I felt in my heart they needed to know what was going on with their adult son and I told them when it all started. Im not responsible for their coping skills, or how they find emotional balance in their life, or the choices they make or dont. I wont be making amends for any pain they experienced because I shared facts with them. Thats out of my hula hoop.

mylifeismine

"I also felt like she could handle it emotionally. But I couldnt control her feelings or her actions regarding that news. She was supportive and I think she has dealt
with it ok on her end"

As a parent of adult children, if my daughter was going through what
you are going through Alicia, I would feel obligated to help her (and want
to) but would NEVER reveal to her how it deeply it affected me and
her Father since there would be nothing she could do about it while
in the midst of a high risk pregnancy and troubled marriage.

We wish the best for you & your baby, as your parent's do,
but any loving parent can't help but be deeply affected by this.

AnvilheadII

my post was not about AMENDS, it was about the principle of doing no harm, not simply for one's own assuaged guilt. checking one's own MOTIVES first.

tomsteve

which is also the 10th step in its simplest form.
best to do so before i act,too.

aliciagr

I know it affected my mom, and she did tell my dad. I didnt ask her not too... and one day I asked her. So I talked to him later which wasnt easy for me. He shared his feelings on it, and I told him that I had spent time working through it in counseling, and the conversation ended with a hug. It was just a choice. My parents have always said that I could talk to them about anything, and they have always been big on dealing with things head on, not avoiding conflict because its difficult, or not running from things just because its challenging, or causes strong emotions, They have since suggested my husband and I consider seeing a Christian marriage counselor because they thought it might help us both. We are considering doing it. I also dont think there was anything wrong with their making that suggestion to us. Its not trying to fix us in my view, just suggesting a resource we might go to for help as they share many of the same belief systems. I guess its again a matter of influence to some extent. And no doubt, I will be influenced by this type of counseling effort too.

Question however, do you think they feel a vested interest in the outcome of counseling if we do it, or it was a suggestion and then they let the outcome go? I feel like they just want me to make the best decisions for myself.

I can understand why some people would prefer not to hear negative things because it causes strong emotions that must be dealt with,

HikerLady

Batchel, live and learn eh? I think you've figured it out and won't be going to his parents again expecting anything less than what they've already given. They are who they are and you can keep moving forward with your life.

My MIL is on the other end of the spectrum, overly involved and wants to know everything. I have had to go no contact with the lot of them just to stay amicable with AH through our separation in the hopes that the divorce will not end up a family war. It was not an easy decision, these people were part of my family for almost 27 years, almost half of my life.

Best wishes to you and a big ole hug for getting through the in-law craziness and realizing what you need to do! You got this!

Spinner-007

Calling the A's parent(s) to update is tempting(still a codie) but it doesn't help YOU.

I've come to realize that the parents of the A expects the 'for better and for worse' clause of the vows to be in full force. Talking to them about ANYTHING pertaining to their Alcoholic son or daughter's drinking endangers their OWN serenity as THEY would feel required to deal with it. They're happy you took that responsibility off their hands by repeating the nuptials. That's a party they don't want to end.

I made my AW leave the house and her parents took her in. After a week or so, they got see the implosion in full force. It was only then did they come anywhere close to realizing the hell of dealing with someone like that.

My advice:
leave the parents out of it. If you're looking for allies or help, just please know they'll never be on 'your side'. That line's been drawn long before you came in the picture because, for better and for worse, that's still their kid.

Go to some meetings, vent here, talk to anyone else about it but their parents/siblings.

Peace to you!