The pleasant alcoholic
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The pleasant alcoholic
So, I've been reading the forums here off and on for quite some time but this is my first post. I guess I never felt the need to post because I could see parts of my story in lots of the others and I've gained a LOT of knowledge and insight just reading the posts and stickies (some stickies I've read several times). My AH also has a problem with marijuana. I would say (and he has also said) that this is his biggest problem. The alcohol just goes hand in hand. We've been married 18 years and he's always smoked pot and drank but when you are younger, lots of us did that, he just never tapered as he got older and responsibilities came along. His first shot at becoming sober was about 5 years ago. It didn't stick and he went back to drinking for a year. Tried again and made it a week then made it for 2 years. Was going to AA and working the program and was involved with a lot of guys who called him daily. When we moved 2 hours from there and he tried to find other groups, those calls from others slowed quite a bit until the point that he fell off the wagon stating there were just no meetings around. Obviously this isn't true. Unfortunately unless he has a very involved sponsor or someone forcing him to do things, he just doesn't follow through. He expects it to fall into his lap. He even asked me at one point to call the AA chapter near us and see if they could come to him....? In any case, when he has quit before most of the time he is completely miserable and impossible to be around. Angry all the time and picking fights. I know he doesn't know how to be sober and it won't happen overnight but he seems to expect it to and has zero patience. I read on here where someone asked another person how their relationship was besides the drinking. I had never really thought of that before because the drinking and smoking has been such a focus. Truth be told, he is typically very happy and pleasant to be around, very loving also. The worst that happens is he may fall asleep on the couch early. While that's annoying, I can't help but see that he really isn't like some other alcoholics who get verbally and physically abusive and he has drank and smoked for years. Yes, I know this typically gets worse but I'm not really unhappy right now. There are two things that bother me: knowing he is causing lasting problems to his body and health and the fact that I know he drives when he's been drinking and even has pot in his car sometimes. That chance he is taking I just cannot shake. To think he knows it would be financially detrimental to us and he could hurt someone else and he doesn't seem to care. Part of me thinks that until something major happens to him like a dui, he sees himself as untouchable. He has said on many occasions when he was attending AA that he isn't as bad as "all these other people". They've all lost their jobs, homes, wives etc... I suppose as long as he can keep this so called higher ground he will remain right where he is. So, while I say I am not unhappy, I do feel sometimes like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
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JLynn80, I just noticed the this is your first post.
Thank you for posting, and sharing your experience. I was so moved by your post that I actually started another one off it, because I didn't want to hijack this one.
Please stick around and keep reading. There is a ton of wisdom here.
Thank you for posting, and sharing your experience. I was so moved by your post that I actually started another one off it, because I didn't want to hijack this one.
Please stick around and keep reading. There is a ton of wisdom here.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
He has said on many occasions when he was attending AA that he isn't as bad as "all these other people".
And one by one....WE proved me wrong.
So, I think you can absolutely trust your gut in waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are, and it will, unless he decides to change it.
I also know that in the beginning I was pretty good at minimizing the damage my x's drinking was doing. In the beginning, he wasn't mean to me...he was happy go lucky when drinking, and hey - he didn't even drive drunk. We liked to get out and have fun camping, fishing, and working on the house together.
However....the things I glossed over for myself were (because some things seemed really good):
The forgotten conversations here and there that I thought were so meaningful.
The fact that the showers of affection, attention and love being said and done under the influence kinda just felt unauthentic.
The smell.
The times he didn't want to do family things because he wanted to drink instead.
The botched home projects because of being under the influence.
Heavy drinking bleeds onto everything. He might be this type of functional for a long time, but when it starts to spiral, its often hard and fast.
Hang in there, I am glad you are here - keep reading! It helps!
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Dandylion- yes, we have talked about it many times. His response is not always the same. Sometimes he denies there is much wrong and other times he says that he knows it's out of control and asks if I could just stick by him while he figures it out. Thing is, he knows what he needs to do, it's just easier not to do it. Just like I should have probably moved on with my life by now but haven't. I'd like to think if I didn't have 2 kids still in school it would be easier for me to make a plan but that's hard to say. All I know is they are my priority and everything I do and will do will be to keep a stable home for them. We have moved several times during their lives because he always thought a new place could lead to sobriety. Unfortunately, no matter where we go, we take ourselves with us.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Hi, JLynn. Welcome to SR.
As the adult chld of an alcoholic, I can tell you that living with an alcohol addicted person is not providing a stable home for the kids, though it may seem so.
There is so much dysfunction playing out in alcohol affected households, and there are ramifications for the kids that can affect them for years.
I know this.
Am I saying you should leave?
Nope.
Only you know when or if to pull that ripcord.
I am saying that, by its nature, alcohol addiction affects everyone in the family.
Good luck and good thoughts.
As the adult chld of an alcoholic, I can tell you that living with an alcohol addicted person is not providing a stable home for the kids, though it may seem so.
There is so much dysfunction playing out in alcohol affected households, and there are ramifications for the kids that can affect them for years.
I know this.
Am I saying you should leave?
Nope.
Only you know when or if to pull that ripcord.
I am saying that, by its nature, alcohol addiction affects everyone in the family.
Good luck and good thoughts.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Florida
Posts: 22
Yes, I should have elaborated a bit....that stable home may just be me and my kids. They come first. I will do what I can to keep them in the same school and not move them again from their friends and familiar surroundings as this has taken its toll over the years. We are staying put whether I can stay in the house or have to find something in our town that is more modest.
I had to read Firebolts response again as some of it sounds like I could have written it. Especially about him not remembering what I considered meaningful conversations. Sometimes I would think I was loosing my mind.
I had to read Firebolts response again as some of it sounds like I could have written it. Especially about him not remembering what I considered meaningful conversations. Sometimes I would think I was loosing my mind.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Normally, I would say let him call his local AA office himself, but since he did ASK and expressed willingness to talk to someone, I'd suggest asking if he's still willing to talk with someone from AA, and yes, they actually WILL send a couple of guys over to talk with him. People IN AA--recovered alcoholics--can often get through in a way others cannot.
So I'd make that one call, if I were you, and let them talk to him. Couldn't hurt, might help.
So I'd make that one call, if I were you, and let them talk to him. Couldn't hurt, might help.
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Thanks Lexi- I may just ask him that tonight. He was sober for almost a month again until about 5 or 6 weeks ago. Now he just seems happy as a clam to be doing his thing again and hasn't spoken a word of AA or recovery. It's like the big elephant in the room. Those several weeks he was sober he had no sponsor and did nothing outside of the meetings. Although he always hated when people said "don't drink and go to meetings " cause he said that doesn't work if it's all you do. Thanks for your input and I'll share how it goes
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Normally, I would say let him call his local AA office himself, but since he did ASK and expressed willingness to talk to someone, I'd suggest asking if he's still willing to talk with someone from AA, and yes, they actually WILL send a couple of guys over to talk with him. People IN AA--recovered alcoholics--can often get through in a way others cannot.
So I'd make that one call, if I were you, and let them talk to him. Couldn't hurt, might help.
So I'd make that one call, if I were you, and let them talk to him. Couldn't hurt, might help.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, there ya go. You tried. He has to come to his own conclusions about what, if anything, he's going to do about his drinking. Lots of people use the "it doesn't work for me" excuse until they are desperate enough to take it seriously. Finding an "alternative" program isn't likely to be the answer. If he finds one on his own that grabs him, more power to him, but I wouldn't be out there researching it for him.
And I like your attitude--Yes, YOU have options. He does too, but you are only responsible for your own.
And I like your attitude--Yes, YOU have options. He does too, but you are only responsible for your own.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Well, there ya go. You tried. He has to come to his own conclusions about what, if anything, he's going to do about his drinking. Lots of people use the "it doesn't work for me" excuse until they are desperate enough to take it seriously. Finding an "alternative" program isn't likely to be the answer. If he finds one on his own that grabs him, more power to him, but I wouldn't be out there researching it for him.
And I like your attitude--Yes, YOU have options. He does too, but you are only responsible for your own.
And I like your attitude--Yes, YOU have options. He does too, but you are only responsible for your own.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I just wanted to lend you my support.
My story mirrors yours in many ways. My AXH was usually a happy drunk, on rare occasions a sad drunk, but never angry or scary. He held a job, engaged with our family, and tried to enjoy his life. Like you said though.. there were forgotten conversations, almost every project that got started in the home or yard was incomplete or not done right, and occasionally he would have to ask me if he "was an a****** last night?" because he'd find me on the couch in the morning instead of our bed. (I could not stand the smell, the snoring or his restless legs in bed when he'd been drinking to excess.)
My XAH drank and drove from the time he was a teenager, didn't get caught by the police until he was 41. Of course he promised it would never happen again because he would never drink again, he went to AA for a few months and the first time I had to go out of town for work he got drunk. I could hear it in his voice on the phone. Of course he denied it. He was an A class liar when it came to lying about drinking. Eventually it destroyed my trust in him. He also continued to drink and drive despite ALL the consequences that could have held for him AND our family...not to mention the innocent people he could hurt!
By the end, I was living in a constant state of anxiety. Always scared, angry and/or sad. It was a miserable existence , always waiting for that other shoe to drop. He got very emotionally manipulative with me, threatening suicide a few times... that pretty much pushed me off what was left of the rocker I was on.
22 years of marriage ( 26 together, actually, yesterday would have been our 25th wedding anniversary) 2 kids, a comfortable home with pets, toys and nice vehicles to drive.... and I called it quits. He promised the only promise he would ever keep was that he would lie to me forever to feed his demons. I believed him and decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with a spouse I couldn't trust or who didn't care about how his irresponsible actions could damage MY life.
It wasn't easy for me to end my marriage, but it was worth it. I learned I could love him from a distance. I will always have love in my heart for the father of my children, but we are not compatible any more. We've both found new partners, he has a drinking buddy again in his new woman and I have a man I can trust,who enjoys the same activities I do, AND have intelligent conversations with.
Wishing you strength and peace while you navigate all this stuff.
*hugs*
My story mirrors yours in many ways. My AXH was usually a happy drunk, on rare occasions a sad drunk, but never angry or scary. He held a job, engaged with our family, and tried to enjoy his life. Like you said though.. there were forgotten conversations, almost every project that got started in the home or yard was incomplete or not done right, and occasionally he would have to ask me if he "was an a****** last night?" because he'd find me on the couch in the morning instead of our bed. (I could not stand the smell, the snoring or his restless legs in bed when he'd been drinking to excess.)
My XAH drank and drove from the time he was a teenager, didn't get caught by the police until he was 41. Of course he promised it would never happen again because he would never drink again, he went to AA for a few months and the first time I had to go out of town for work he got drunk. I could hear it in his voice on the phone. Of course he denied it. He was an A class liar when it came to lying about drinking. Eventually it destroyed my trust in him. He also continued to drink and drive despite ALL the consequences that could have held for him AND our family...not to mention the innocent people he could hurt!
By the end, I was living in a constant state of anxiety. Always scared, angry and/or sad. It was a miserable existence , always waiting for that other shoe to drop. He got very emotionally manipulative with me, threatening suicide a few times... that pretty much pushed me off what was left of the rocker I was on.
22 years of marriage ( 26 together, actually, yesterday would have been our 25th wedding anniversary) 2 kids, a comfortable home with pets, toys and nice vehicles to drive.... and I called it quits. He promised the only promise he would ever keep was that he would lie to me forever to feed his demons. I believed him and decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with a spouse I couldn't trust or who didn't care about how his irresponsible actions could damage MY life.
It wasn't easy for me to end my marriage, but it was worth it. I learned I could love him from a distance. I will always have love in my heart for the father of my children, but we are not compatible any more. We've both found new partners, he has a drinking buddy again in his new woman and I have a man I can trust,who enjoys the same activities I do, AND have intelligent conversations with.
Wishing you strength and peace while you navigate all this stuff.
*hugs*
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by JLynn80
He has also told me he drinks and smokes to stop the thoughts of it all in his head.
The A in my life also isn't into AA and the more I participate in Al-Anon, the more clearly I realize for myself that a relationship without both partners' full and present spirits is just not going to be a good relationship. Yes, I can detach with love and let him live his life (which I've been doing for a few months,) but unless he gets into a full recovery program in which he does a major overhaul on his lifetime thinking patterns and connects with his inner spirit/higher power, I am going to have little to connect with him on. People orbit up together to have a relationship and for me, I want most of those places to be positive.
Anyway, just my thoughts on the importance of a recovery program and without it, there's not much of a platform for a good relationship because it takes two who are coming from a good place. One partner can't be the positive influence for the other who is thinking in a lot of negative ways - that just does not hold up for very long before the "positive" partner gets pulled into negative territory or decides to leave the orbit.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Did you talk to him and say that some people see a counselor who specialize in addiction instead of AA, or coupled w/AA. It is true that AA is not for everyone, however, denial is powerful and he may just be there.
For myself, I went to a counselor who specialized in helping families w/addiction for myself, coupled with Celebrate Recovery, which is a lot like Alanon, but a little different. Both of those things helped me immensely, as does coming here to SR.
Hugs to you.
For myself, I went to a counselor who specialized in helping families w/addiction for myself, coupled with Celebrate Recovery, which is a lot like Alanon, but a little different. Both of those things helped me immensely, as does coming here to SR.
Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I'd encourage you to consider that he is an addict. Please don't get bogged down in the weed vs. alcohol thing. He has one problem-- addiction. There is a great deal of controversy in the community about "if somebody stops drinking but still smokes weed are they sober?"-- there's no point in getting involved in it right now. If he finds sobriety from alcohol then see what's next-- you are very far from that bridge so please consider waiting to get to it before figuring out how to cross it.
I know many, many, many alcoholics in recovery as I've been going to meetings with them for 14 years, and here is what they agree about regarding the use of marijuana-- nothing (medically or recreationally).
Here is what they agree about regarding alcohol-- everything.
Take care and good luck.
Cyranoak
I know many, many, many alcoholics in recovery as I've been going to meetings with them for 14 years, and here is what they agree about regarding the use of marijuana-- nothing (medically or recreationally).
Here is what they agree about regarding alcohol-- everything.
Take care and good luck.
Cyranoak
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Location: The Beach
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I'd like to add....When someone else's behavior is negatively affecting your life it IS a problem. It doesn't matter if it is an addiction or not. What matters is that your happiness, peace and health are being affected. This is important!
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
I just wanted to lend you my support.
My story mirrors yours in many ways. My AXH was usually a happy drunk, on rare occasions a sad drunk, but never angry or scary. He held a job, engaged with our family, and tried to enjoy his life. Like you said though.. there were forgotten conversations, almost every project that got started in the home or yard was incomplete or not done right, and occasionally he would have to ask me if he "was an a****** last night?" because he'd find me on the couch in the morning instead of our bed. (I could not stand the smell, the snoring or his restless legs in bed when he'd been drinking to excess.)
My XAH drank and drove from the time he was a teenager, didn't get caught by the police until he was 41. Of course he promised it would never happen again because he would never drink again, he went to AA for a few months and the first time I had to go out of town for work he got drunk. I could hear it in his voice on the phone. Of course he denied it. He was an A class liar when it came to lying about drinking. Eventually it destroyed my trust in him. He also continued to drink and drive despite ALL the consequences that could have held for him AND our family...not to mention the innocent people he could hurt!
By the end, I was living in a constant state of anxiety. Always scared, angry and/or sad. It was a miserable existence , always waiting for that other shoe to drop. He got very emotionally manipulative with me, threatening suicide a few times... that pretty much pushed me off what was left of the rocker I was on.
22 years of marriage ( 26 together, actually, yesterday would have been our 25th wedding anniversary) 2 kids, a comfortable home with pets, toys and nice vehicles to drive.... and I called it quits. He promised the only promise he would ever keep was that he would lie to me forever to feed his demons. I believed him and decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with a spouse I couldn't trust or who didn't care about how his irresponsible actions could damage MY life.
It wasn't easy for me to end my marriage, but it was worth it. I learned I could love him from a distance. I will always have love in my heart for the father of my children, but we are not compatible any more. We've both found new partners, he has a drinking buddy again in his new woman and I have a man I can trust,who enjoys the same activities I do, AND have intelligent conversations with.
Wishing you strength and peace while you navigate all this stuff.
*hugs*
My story mirrors yours in many ways. My AXH was usually a happy drunk, on rare occasions a sad drunk, but never angry or scary. He held a job, engaged with our family, and tried to enjoy his life. Like you said though.. there were forgotten conversations, almost every project that got started in the home or yard was incomplete or not done right, and occasionally he would have to ask me if he "was an a****** last night?" because he'd find me on the couch in the morning instead of our bed. (I could not stand the smell, the snoring or his restless legs in bed when he'd been drinking to excess.)
My XAH drank and drove from the time he was a teenager, didn't get caught by the police until he was 41. Of course he promised it would never happen again because he would never drink again, he went to AA for a few months and the first time I had to go out of town for work he got drunk. I could hear it in his voice on the phone. Of course he denied it. He was an A class liar when it came to lying about drinking. Eventually it destroyed my trust in him. He also continued to drink and drive despite ALL the consequences that could have held for him AND our family...not to mention the innocent people he could hurt!
By the end, I was living in a constant state of anxiety. Always scared, angry and/or sad. It was a miserable existence , always waiting for that other shoe to drop. He got very emotionally manipulative with me, threatening suicide a few times... that pretty much pushed me off what was left of the rocker I was on.
22 years of marriage ( 26 together, actually, yesterday would have been our 25th wedding anniversary) 2 kids, a comfortable home with pets, toys and nice vehicles to drive.... and I called it quits. He promised the only promise he would ever keep was that he would lie to me forever to feed his demons. I believed him and decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with a spouse I couldn't trust or who didn't care about how his irresponsible actions could damage MY life.
It wasn't easy for me to end my marriage, but it was worth it. I learned I could love him from a distance. I will always have love in my heart for the father of my children, but we are not compatible any more. We've both found new partners, he has a drinking buddy again in his new woman and I have a man I can trust,who enjoys the same activities I do, AND have intelligent conversations with.
Wishing you strength and peace while you navigate all this stuff.
*hugs*
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