SoloMio

Thank you so much for this post. One of the beautiful things about this site is that the mirror is held up. I read your post, and I'm thinking just what others have posted, "king baby jerk" (love it, hopeful)--and then I hold up his behavior to my AH and ding ding ding.. it's a match!

AH is definitely trying to horn in my "stuff"--I believe it's because alcohol has taken everything else away, and he's left with me and my interests. Bad thing is, if he were sober, and actively thinking about our relationship first, I'd love to share these things with him.

For instance, one of my. hobbies and interests since 2012 has been permaculture. I have connected with a permaculture farm and I love the people there. And they have tons of community activities. So AH's interests don't really fit, but he has tagged along. Now, I feel inhibited on occasion in terms of going to the pot lucks etc because if he goes drunk, he'll be a PIA.

One time I went without him. It was a terrible rainy/snowy night, but he apparently (I never saw him) went without telling me, and when I got back started accusing me of talking to *gasp!* a MAN.

I, too, have been slowly moving towards the Big Move. It's slow because he is selling a house he has half-interest in. I am deep in debt due to him and his mother (long story), and I NEED that money to get out of debt. I'm afraid if I cut ties now, or threaten him, I'll never see that money (inheritances are not communal property, and I was a super duper jerk by footing the mortgage, but my name is NOT on the deed.)

We must choose the right time for us to do what we must do, but in the meantime, boy, putting up with the King Baby stuff is just aggravating.

I was so encouraged, though, by a friend of mine who knows about the house situation, knows that there is particular place that I'm jonesin' to move to, and she doesn't know that AH is alcoholic, and even she said, don't wait until the house is sold. You've waited long enough for your own happiness. Just make a move and let the chips fall where they may.

That was like music to my ears. Hope I didn't hijack your post too much, but I really related.

AnvilheadII

how are you today, TW?

thousandwords53

Doing ok. Reading my books again and trying my best to stay strong.
STBXH (<<<<see what I did there?) is still very persistent and had a counseling appointment yesterday which he came back with more suggestions for reading that is anti divorce/ marriage repair focused so we really just aren't on the same page. At the same time he is making small steps towards packing and moving. I am at the stage where I am questioning my sanity but quickly remind myself otherwise by reading old posts and getting reality checks from my supporters.

I am silently working towards picking up some side work to help me financially and haven't stopped looking at rentals if he just never acts. I will have to...something has to give.

Also, my boss attorney is not very aggressive in family law and I am realizing he may not be fully aware of the depth of my situation and the urgency involved when I say that I need to file/act now. So my free legal help might not be the best and am looking into different legal counsel.

I worry I'm distracting myself with unimportant details but I am working everyday toward my goal.

Thank you for asking.

thousandwords53

I'm even considering moving the kids and I back home to my parents for a set period of time. To save for our own place and to just get out of this marriage. It's a tricky situation as my mom especially has been playing both sides , AH frequently reaches out to my family and causes confusion to the matter...they get to see his efforts and his side of things and question my stance. She can also be just as controlling but I recognize that and will only move home for a set time like I said. I'm worried I will take steps back in my own recovery living there but it will be a temporary situation so maybe I am doomsdaying it.

LexieCat

Have you asked the DV advocates whether they have any suggestions in terms of attorneys? Often they know of local attorneys who are affordable for people looking to leave an abusive situation. Wasn't a protective order a possibility you were considering at one point?

thousandwords53

Yes that was a possibility at one point. But my attorney feels that is would be a stretch to file one now that he is: a) not actively drinking b) last overt abuse/rage incident was in December. There is no obvious threat to our safety. I will reach out to the dv hotline again and see what they suggest. I do know of a law center near me just for abused women , I will also contact them. Thank you Lexie

LexieCat

The law center might be a perfect resource for you.

SaveYourHeart

How are you doing Thousandwords?

thousandwords53

I appreciate you asking. Nothing new to report. Have been distracted with busy family life since last post..a little embarrassed as things have been really nice at home since last melt down. AH really putting in effort. I am enjoying it and letting it play out as it may. I know what I am prepared for if/when things cycle around. Hope you all are well.