honeypig

This was constantly an issue for XAH and I too! The dogs were supposed to constantly be paying attention to HIM, not to interesting smells or sights, and hardly a walk went by w/o some issue arising.

He had complained that while married to his first wife, he "always played second fiddle" to the kids (not his, from her first marriage). When we were married, there weren't kids, but yes, he complained that I was paying too much attention to the dogs, to a family member who'd phoned, to work (often worked a side job in addition to a regular full-time job), or to something else. He complained if I spent too long on the computer.

He always needed more time, more attention, more praise...

shockozulu

Is your gym part of a chain? If so, is there a limit on how many times you can visit other gyms in the chain until your next payment?

If not, do they allow you to use other gyms in town at a discount rate?

If yes to either of the above, I would consider going to another so you still have your "safe space." No reason for him to know any different as long as you go at your own time, not when he wants to go. Keep the gym membership tag where it so he has no reason to ask.

then switch to a gym where one of your friend's attend. Have a girl's time at the gym.Maybe even take a class together for fun.

I would still keep your old membership wherever you keep it currently.. Make your new gym your safe space by meeting your friend in the parking lot. Maybe take a new class for both of you together.

Also consider treating yourself to night out to the movies. Even if it is at the dollar theater.

These are just things that helped me. Your mileage may differ.

<-- for you
<--for him attempting to take over your safe space

Maudcat

Whoa, shockozulu, that is positively machiavellian!
You rock.

qtpi

Brings back memories. MY XAH was like this- nice then nasty. Wanting to be the center of attention. Roller coaster. Resented my friendships and my activities. I was at his beck and call. He wanted to keep our time together unscheduled so he could decide at the last minute what we would do- would rarely preplan with me- unless it involved drinking somewhere.

thousandwords53

I like the way you think! lol...unfortunately it is a small privately owned gym. Pretty sure his decision to join my gym (vs the one right next door to his work!!!) is because of jealousy/insecurity in the friendships I've made there. Most of our friends are joint friends and he feels threatened by these outsiders. They encourage me and tell me I am strong and this place is a priority to me.

Which is right on point with QTPI's reply. They are wanting to be the center of our attention.

thousandwords53

Due to (insert latest ups and downs saga drama) AH had some sort of epiphany yesterday and asked how I felt about legal separation....uh YES...I mean that is what I've been wanting. Anywho in 24 hours time he has shown me how he handles this type of rejection. He's also trying to call my bluff and I think scare me into thinking I can't handle the household alone. He's very focused on the financial impact on HIM of course. That is quite an obvious theme with him. I cried from relief and sadness when we both finally agreed to separation, via text (eye roll)

Yesterday afternoon at work, I finalized my legal ppwk for my boss to file this morning. I am going through with this, as this is "my chance" my "push" I've been waiting for. Yes I cycle around to second guessing this but I KNOW this is what I want and it needs to happen. For all the reasons.

This is just an accountability post for when I feel weak in resolve.
Thank you all

LexieCat

DO IT. This situation does NOT appear to be getting any better.

You will be fine. Him--well, he CAN be fine, but that's really up to him. He certainly will survive.

darlacfp

Oh thousandwords the part about the gym brought tears to my eyes... Running and the gym have been my sanctuary, my safe place, and my H has invaded , or tried to anyway. After he got sober he started copying things I did, and I kept my mouth shut, after all, I don't OWN running or any othe activity... But I became so resentful and infuriated the more he did it I finally told him he could not come to my gym at my time. I felt very selfish but it was better for both of us and our very struggling relationship. He has a lot of insecurities too and he even thought for a while something must be "going on" with guys there but too bad. It's my safe place and I need it.

thousandwords53

Very much YES to the above. Thank you for relating.

You guys, I am feeling so many emotions right now. I am having to refocus and remind myself that this is what I want, this is truly what the kids deserve. But it feels different this time, maybe real? Like it is really happening? And it makes me sad and SCARED. I am having a rough time sorting out negative self doubt/his voice and genuine logical processing of what needs to be done.

The most prominent thoughts are that I am going to fail at this.
That this doesn't need to happen. That I am not being patient enough with his recovery. That it isn't "that bad". That I am dropping an A-bomb on our entire family and it will never be ok. So many dreams and hopes will never come to fruition and I feel that on my shoulders. I know I did not cause all of this, but I guess I am afraid of making my own decision and following it through.

It feels so uncomfortable right now, crippling at moments...but I am telling myself to ride this out. To feel these feelings and let them happen. I will live through this.

hearthealth

Thousandwords,
That was/is my exact thoughts, too.
The thing is H is different but he's still a j***. He doesn't change just because we wan't him too. They need to put in at least as much effort as we do for there to be real change.

SaveYourHeart

2 and a half years ago you posted here for the first time, speaking of a legal separation. You've spoken about how unhappy you are, about how your life is out of control. You can do this. Stay strong. I know that your brain is unsure, but your heart is or else you wouldn't have come here 2 1/2 years ago for help. Sending hugs and prayers for strength, resilience and peace for you and your babies.

Ariesagain

Your children are growing up with severe dysfunction in role models. They have two possibilities being demonstrated in front of them every day...hyper-controlling narcissist or tiptoeing placator.

They will grow up and re-create exactly this same dynamic. I know...I did.

Sasha1972

Hang onto that resolve! If you know that you'll experience moments of weakness, you can accept them as they come up and then let them go. I found that accountability mechanisms are VERY important - I tend to second-guess, overthink, etc, but when I have a document listing the reasons why I am doing what I'm doing that I can return to, I find it helps.

I have also asked friends to remind me of the reasons why I'm doing what I'm doing - to remind me that yes, it really IS that bad. If you're dealing with an alcoholic whose strategy is deny-minimize-deflect, you need external reminders that a) the bad stuff really did happen; b) it really was THAT BAD; and c) it wasn't because of you or because of some other lame excuse . Stay strong and you've got this!

LexieCat

Some things simply require COURAGE. Whatever mistakes you might make during the process of divorce and rebuilding will PALE in comparison to the disasters that await if you do nothing.

You are clearly a bright, competent woman. You've been made to believe that you aren't, but that is simply alcoholic BS. Think of those thoughts as a great big internal quack.

AnvilheadII

hon, you aren't hiring a hit man to take him out. you are filing for a LEGAL separation.

Over two years ago on Jan 18, 2015 your post sounded IDENTICAL to your posts today:

I have spent the past few months seeing a counselor, meeting with an attorney and basically getting my plan for legal separation in order. I still love my AH very much, when it is good I feel terrible guilt and am unable to initiate "the talk". I need to do what is best for our children and my sanity. I'm not really sure what my question is, but really, how does one give themselves the final push into action?

and yesterday on June 20 2017:
Yesterday afternoon at work, I finalized my legal ppwk for my boss to file this morning. I am going through with this, as this is "my chance" my "push" I've been waiting for.

thousandwords53

Well, it's safe to say I am struggling with this. And that history does (and will) repeat itself.

SaveYourHeart

You got this girl. I know you do.

thousandwords53

Thank you.

Hummer

There is nothing easy about what you are doing thousandwords.
I am separated from my AH almost 6 months and it's a bit easier now.
Well done for recognising the pit falls and pushing forward with what you know has to be done - you are strong and capable and the reward will be a happy and peaceful home for you and your children. Big hugs

shockozulu

Once I finally broke it off with my alcoholic ex-fiancé I was so relieved. It was finally done and over. What was the hardest were all the nights I had kept telling myself I would do this and putting it off. That's what made breaking it off so hard.

There were nights I cried over what might have been. Having actually done it though, the black cloud of doom was no longer hanging over my head. I was able to mourn and move on with my life.