Need support, part 3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
I have been with him 3 years this time and he was my high school sweetheart. He has been spinning out of control for the past 6 months.
When I knew him in high school and college he didn't drink or do drugs. He was kind and caring. When we got back together 3 years ago I didn't know he was an alcoholic.
He has moments now of kindness and caring but over the past 6 months they have gotten fewer and farther between. Recently, often when he is here he does argue with me and blames me for stressing him out. And it's true that he promises me a lot of things and then only rarely follows thru
When I knew him in high school and college he didn't drink or do drugs. He was kind and caring. When we got back together 3 years ago I didn't know he was an alcoholic.
He has moments now of kindness and caring but over the past 6 months they have gotten fewer and farther between. Recently, often when he is here he does argue with me and blames me for stressing him out. And it's true that he promises me a lot of things and then only rarely follows thru
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
So you are only with him for 3 years, and it's only the last 6 months that he has been acting like this.....
I was with my ex for about 10 years before his behavior became egregious. It was when we bought our first house together. We bought the house in March.
March 1994. It was in July 1994, he was giving me the silent treatment, I tried to talk to him, I guess I was blocking the TV while he was watching a baseball game, he threw me to the floor, and kicked me in the kids, then just went to bed and fell asleep at 7:30pm.
I didn't know what happened or why. You know, when I look back on things now, there were warning signs way before this happened, I just chose not to see them.
I think sometimes it's when a person can feel that they can declare ownership, or they feel so comfortable in the relationship, that it just doesn't matter anymore.
I do know, once this starts, it doesn't stop, it doesn't get better, it gets worse.
Just look at all the times since you started posting here. The times that he disappears have become shorter in the distance, but longer in the length of time he is gone. Then he comes home and blames you for everything.
So, what do you do when he comes home? sure he might be nice for awhile, probably less then a day, or sometimes less then a few hours before he starts blaming you for everything. Then when that happens, you start walking on eggshells again, you'll do anything you can to not get him upset again, but yet you still get him upset. (IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT). He has a war inside of his head and he wants someone to blame for it, and guess what? you're it.
This will be the rest of your life if you stay like this, only it will get worse.
You have a lot of people here to talk to, they are all giving you excellent advice, please start looking after yourself and your children. That is the priority. He will just keep getting you sick. It's just too stressful for you.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
I was with my ex for about 10 years before his behavior became egregious. It was when we bought our first house together. We bought the house in March.
March 1994. It was in July 1994, he was giving me the silent treatment, I tried to talk to him, I guess I was blocking the TV while he was watching a baseball game, he threw me to the floor, and kicked me in the kids, then just went to bed and fell asleep at 7:30pm.
I didn't know what happened or why. You know, when I look back on things now, there were warning signs way before this happened, I just chose not to see them.
I think sometimes it's when a person can feel that they can declare ownership, or they feel so comfortable in the relationship, that it just doesn't matter anymore.
I do know, once this starts, it doesn't stop, it doesn't get better, it gets worse.
Just look at all the times since you started posting here. The times that he disappears have become shorter in the distance, but longer in the length of time he is gone. Then he comes home and blames you for everything.
So, what do you do when he comes home? sure he might be nice for awhile, probably less then a day, or sometimes less then a few hours before he starts blaming you for everything. Then when that happens, you start walking on eggshells again, you'll do anything you can to not get him upset again, but yet you still get him upset. (IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT). He has a war inside of his head and he wants someone to blame for it, and guess what? you're it.
This will be the rest of your life if you stay like this, only it will get worse.
You have a lot of people here to talk to, they are all giving you excellent advice, please start looking after yourself and your children. That is the priority. He will just keep getting you sick. It's just too stressful for you.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
There was another thing that I wanted you to give careful consideration to. It's your children. I don't know if you ever mentioned their ages. I do know that your ex has then on the weekends, not sure if it's every weekend or every second weekend.
I wanted to tell you a story about what happened with me and my kids.
My kids actually begged me to leave their father in 1997 and 1998. I didn't leave till 12/31/2008. In those 10 years, I drove myself and I guess everyone else so crazy with me trying to change him. I never wanted to give up that "hope". The abuse got really bad, and I mostly slept in the car in the garage. My children weren't hearing the things he was saying to me, they say me going crazy. When I finally did leave, my children really didn't trust me. I only recently started to have a decent, maybe good relationship with them.
You said that your children do not like him. Do you think that they may decide to just live with their Dad, if ABF comes back, and actually stays, or if he keeps disappearing again?
You see, when I was in this, I guess I really have to admit, my kids were not my priority. My priority was trying to end the madness, which meant trying to control my ex, and to get him to act normal.
Just something to think about.
amy
I wanted to tell you a story about what happened with me and my kids.
My kids actually begged me to leave their father in 1997 and 1998. I didn't leave till 12/31/2008. In those 10 years, I drove myself and I guess everyone else so crazy with me trying to change him. I never wanted to give up that "hope". The abuse got really bad, and I mostly slept in the car in the garage. My children weren't hearing the things he was saying to me, they say me going crazy. When I finally did leave, my children really didn't trust me. I only recently started to have a decent, maybe good relationship with them.
You said that your children do not like him. Do you think that they may decide to just live with their Dad, if ABF comes back, and actually stays, or if he keeps disappearing again?
You see, when I was in this, I guess I really have to admit, my kids were not my priority. My priority was trying to end the madness, which meant trying to control my ex, and to get him to act normal.
Just something to think about.
amy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I imagine, when you re-discovered him three years ago, it felt like fate or destiny had brought him back into your life. I totally get that. The thing is, coincidence (and odd coincidences happen ALL THE TIME) is not destiny. I'm sure he did seem awesome when you met him. The thing is, his life was probably a total mess before he got sober. This IS his "normal"--you met him during a lucid interval.
I think you're going to have to ramp up your defenses significantly. How about taking that step of formally telling him to never contact you again? You seem unwilling to do that. Which, to me, indicates you are already planning your next relapse, just like an alcoholic who insists on continuing to hang out in bars, while continuing to go to meetings.
There's an AA saying--if you keep hanging around the barbershop, sooner or later you're likely to wind up with a haircut.
I think you're going to have to ramp up your defenses significantly. How about taking that step of formally telling him to never contact you again? You seem unwilling to do that. Which, to me, indicates you are already planning your next relapse, just like an alcoholic who insists on continuing to hang out in bars, while continuing to go to meetings.
There's an AA saying--if you keep hanging around the barbershop, sooner or later you're likely to wind up with a haircut.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
OT you need to accept this is your identity. You are too uncomfortable doing something different than allowing yourself to be used and abused by this "thing". If you truly don't want this, you would be taking steps to do things differently even if just a small step... which you really have not done. you allow him back every time even knowing what the outcome will be as you just posted. At this point I think you should probably just accept this is who you are even though it makes you unhappy. And that's just very sad. Hopefully one day your unhappiness to stay in the present "known comfortableness" of your uncomfortableness will outweigh the openness to get help for yourself and do things differently.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Can I remind you gently you said this as your opening intro here:-
My fiancee and I have been together for a few years now since reuniting after decades. It has been a bumpy road but we are closer than ever and things have been wonderful for about 7 months. Then suddenly he didn't come home last night after working. I couldn't reach him at all. I was up most of the night and feel panicked. I can't even function now. I missed work and don't know how I will get through this.
Please help.
From what you say there it was a bumpy road until 7 months of things being better. So out of years together you had 7 good months then he span out of control again for the past 6. I think you are bigging this up to be something it isn't. A normal relationship does not have only 7 decent months in years together.
My fiancee and I have been together for a few years now since reuniting after decades. It has been a bumpy road but we are closer than ever and things have been wonderful for about 7 months. Then suddenly he didn't come home last night after working. I couldn't reach him at all. I was up most of the night and feel panicked. I can't even function now. I missed work and don't know how I will get through this.
Please help.
From what you say there it was a bumpy road until 7 months of things being better. So out of years together you had 7 good months then he span out of control again for the past 6. I think you are bigging this up to be something it isn't. A normal relationship does not have only 7 decent months in years together.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
OT your kids don't like him, won't talk to him, and are watching you let him back time after time.
It's their house too and a place where they are entitled to feel safe.
What are you doing to them with your behaviour?
In my own family I've seen the result of a mother being unwilling or unable to control herself, and get help. One of her children cut off all contact as soon as he was able, and the other has become an ice addict.
You rarely mention them, but how are your children reacting to this?
It's their house too and a place where they are entitled to feel safe.
What are you doing to them with your behaviour?
In my own family I've seen the result of a mother being unwilling or unable to control herself, and get help. One of her children cut off all contact as soon as he was able, and the other has become an ice addict.
You rarely mention them, but how are your children reacting to this?
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