LexieCat

You have the same strength, inside, that any of us do. It's like a muscle, as Aries's example suggests. Your strength increases every time you use that muscle. There are exercises I can't do because I've currently let myself get out of shape. I'd probably never run a marathon, but with proper training I'm physically capable of running a 5K, I'd be willing to bet. WITH PROPER TRAINING.

That's what you're doing now--working out to build up your strength. Training often isn't fun, but in your case if you don't do it, you are looking at more years of misery.

And your ex? Even if he were to get sober tomorrow, you couldn't trust it. He's been sober before. As I was telling someone else recently, in deciding whether to risk the possibility of a relapse, it's important to look at the risk to YOU if it happens. There are sad/disappointing relapses, but when this guy relapses, he goes off the rails and causes extreme misery, not to mention financial disaster, for YOU.

Ladybird579

I think you all are stronger than I am.

No we are not. I was a sobbing in the corner wreck. I lost 3 stone in weight over my exah and used to wakeu p with panic attacks during the night. I had no choice but to work through it cos I knew having him back was not an option ever and eventually I got stronger. You will too.

honeypig

OT, I posted this earlier in your thread and I'm going to post it again:

This Will Pass

Breathe. You’re going to be okay.

Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived.

Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.

I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.

I am not the author. So that means that at least the author, you and I have felt this way. At least three of us. And I'm willing to bet it's a whole lot more than the three of us...you are no less strong, no less deserving, no less worthy than any other person. You can make it.

Let me also add this: It's possible I missed it, but I don't know if I've seen you posting in other threads at all. Your thread title is "Need support." I'm going to suggest that you try giving support. So many good things happen for me when I reach out, and I suspect it would be the same for you. Read what others are going through. Empathize w/them. Wish them well. Share your experiences.

You know how important it is to receive support--take the opportunity to give some, and watch it change your life.

AnvilheadII

This is even harder than I imagined

there are no quick fixes. it takes time to get over stuff......not a week, not a good house cleaning, or a nice luncheon with friends. you are going to experience discomfort, unease, anxiety. but you don't have to REACT to those feelings, just feel 'em, and let 'em go.

HE can't fix you. he never could. he was a distraction for you. distracting you from your health conditions, your job, your kids, your life. he brought chaos - and it can be addictive.

if you want to get well, you'll need to dig deep and find the underlying causes at play. they have little to do with HIM.

OT4Kids

I fell asleep right after work after getting my son a snack. I am so tired these days.

When the phone rings I still hope it is him. It's a damn shame.

My job is helping families and children. I love it but it takes a lot out of me too. I hate the paperwork and have been trying to catch up but I am still behind.

Also I have a friend who lives out if state who is under hospice care. I am her confidante which is an honor but also heartbreaking as she gets closer and closer to dying. Her husband and sister aren't ready to let her go and are so close to the situation so she shares details about her illness with me as well as her wish to die before the quality of her life decreases any further.

I don't know why I am so afraid to be alone. Some of it is that I really need the help and support at a level that my family and friends can't give me due to my illness.

I also know I don't want to be with someone just to have someone...meaning that I really love my ex fiancee and can't imagine being with anyone but him.

LexieCat

Don't worry right now about whether you can/should meet someone else someday. One step at a time.

The thing is that HE can't be counted on to give you help and support at all. Whatever limited support your family and friends can give you is far more reliable than what you were getting from him.

I forget, have you tried Al-Anon? I made some wonderful, supportive friends I could really count on there. And nobody will feel you're imposing on them, because they GET it.

Just work on getting past this tough time right now. It WILL get better--I can promise you that. You're still at the tough part. You're doing all the right things. It simply takes time, and there's no way to hurry it up.

Try to keep your eyes on one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Keep moving. It's the only way to get where you're going.

I think doing some mindfulness meditation exercises might be really good for you. Some people here are really into it and can make recommendations. The whole goal of that is to get all these worries about being alone, and worries about the future, out of your head so you can focus on what's in front of you right now.

Bekindalways

I so remember being where you are OT. I too hoped he would write/call and didn't want anyone but him.

I wish it wasn't like this but for most (well . . . probably all) of us this is how it is. You are right on schedule for recovering from a codie relationship. Just set your mind to get through the next 15 minutes or set your self 3 easy tasks i.e. floss, open the work folder and and put your dinner dishes in the dishwasher.

Stay close and post!

PuzzledHeart

This is really tough. My mom received a terminal diagnosis two years ago, and when she signed up for hospice the rest of my family was very angry at her. I found Atul Gawande's book "Being Mortal" extremely helpful in guiding conversation. Fortunately, she received a reprieve, but I realize the time I have with her now are bonus years. I'm still so grateful.

You say we are stronger. I can only speak about myself - you're talking to years of calluses and scar tissue, calluses and scar tissue that were once open blisters and wounds. All those anxiety tricks up my sleeve? I had to struggle for years to find them, and even now I'm on the lookout for things to add to my toolkit. And even then I struggle. There's a reason why I go to therapy at $100+ a pop.

There is so much heartbreak in your words, and unfortunately the only way to get through the heartbreak is to get through it, to embrace it and squeeze every last drop of value and learning that you can. But once you do, you will be infinitely stronger and tougher, and you yourself will be able to help people get to the other side.

AnvilheadII

you aren't alone...you have children. THEY need you.....they need all of you....they don't need to feel that they aren't enough.....

OT4Kids

I still don't feel well and got nothing done tonight except for making dinner for my kids and watching tv with them. I am happy for the time with them but disappointed I didn't get more done. I am gonna try to sleep and hopefully will be more productive tomorrow.

Take care and have a good night!

Ariesagain

Baby steps, yes? You had quality time with your kids, not wasting time chasing drama and making yourself ill.

Sound like a lovely evening, actually, and good for you.

You're doing great...now get some good sleep, yes?

OT4Kids

I did get some sleep. Woke up sad, got my kids to school. Now working. Feeling like I am regressing.

Thank you all for your support.

How are all of you doing today?

LexieCat

You're not "regressing." Recovery isn't linear. It's more like a spiral. Even when it feels like you're circling back, you are incrementally moving forward.

Glad you got some rest.

I'm doing OK, this morning, thanks! I gotta get busy, myself. Got the trash put out for pickup and my coffee just finished brewing. I'm very happy because we FINALLY yesterday decided on our new hire, which we have been working on since NOVEMBER!! OMG, what an excruciating process. I sometimes wonder how *I* ever got hired, considering how picky they are!

You have a good day, yourself.

hopeful4

Feeling sad is a part of life. During the day, I feel a million different emotions. That is absolutely fine. It's a choice not to let myself go down the rabbit hole, to utilize the skills I have learned to talk myself rationally through it, to reach out for support, and to do things that are in the self care realm.

So what if you have a night that you do nothing. Good for you. We all need that.

I know you say you love him and don't want to be alone, however, when he has been around you I hear you regress, your anxiety is huge, all of these negative things. Maybe it's just the idea of him, or who he usto be. In reality, he treats you terribly and has no remorse for doing so. That is who he really is. I know you don't love that behavior.

You need to get to a place that you are good with being YOU, then you can worry about not being alone and finding the right person.

In the mean time, it's a day at a time, a moment at a time.

Big hugs!

Jaeger

I don't think you are regressing. I think you have made huge strides. Everyone has good days and bad days. Keep pushing and I think soon you will see your feeling much less stress.

OT4Kids

Felt sick and anxious and tired and didn't get anything done tonight. I hate this feeling

Ariesagain

Maybe you're asking too much of yourself right now?

If you were getting sober from alcohol, you'd be in withdrawal and in the early weeks, I can tell you from experience that about all you can do is drag yourself to do the bare minimum and go to bed early.

You're in withdrawal from your addiction to the ex. The single most important thing to do is stay "sober"...no contact. Every day you get through is a victory...just about everything else (except your kids and your job) is a distant second right now.

You are doing really well. Don't focus on the stuff you're not doing, focus on what you are.

Sending you a hug.

LexieCat

You're ok. Don't worry so much about the to-do list. When I first got sober people told me that if I went to bed sober I accomplished everything I had to. You made it through the day without calling him and without falling apart.

You accomplished what was necessary.

Hugs,

PuzzledHeart

OT4Kids, you established no contact right around the time I had fibroid surgery. You cut him out the same time I cut my fibroids out.

When you wrote that you made dinner for your kids, I thought, "Oh Lord, she did more than I did today." I'm essentially catatonic after 3, even though I go through the motions until 11.

So let's cut ourselves some slack, eh? We're both recovering from surgery, in a way. You excised someone who felt literally like a part of you, even though you'll find out that he _wasn't_ an essential part of you. It's going to take some time.

OT4Kids

I let him come back and he burned me again. I am sad. And disappointed in myself. And he has the car so I will have to deal with that again. I knew he would hurt me again but wanted to believe things would be different.

Well at least I have been going to yoga and haven't missed any work and am still losing weight and trying to catch up at work