Socrates

My partner of 20 years quit has alcohol addiction nearly 3 years ago now. He would be dead now if he hadnt radically changed, he is now so healthy it is fantastic. The first year I just did everything I could to help him stay sober, it was harder than the addiction I was used to, but there was huge hope instead of the slow hopelessness of watching him gradually kill himself. We are trying to move forward. But now I cant find peace in our relationship because he wont hear and acknowledge the impact his alcholism had on my life. I cant just move forward without some acknowledgement and reconciliation. He says that I have mental health issues and that is the problem. I havent found many posts from people who have partnered someone through long term addiction and then recovery, I am interested if others whose partner recovered ever got to a point where they became aware of the impact of their addiction on your life? I feel he projects all the problems we used to have as being on me. He really has no idea what he was like and wont hear it, when I try to talk to him about what I experienced when he was drunk he says they are 'fantasies'. I try and forget about the past and move on, but I cant. I dont know how we can have a sincere relationship in the present when we are on such different pages about the past. Any thoughts?

SparkleKitty

My thoughts are that under no circumstances (including sobriety) is it okay for one partner to try to deny or invalidate what the other partner has experienced.

It sounds like he may be sober, but this is not what recovery would look like to me.

honeypig

Hi, Socrates--I don't know if I'd call him "recovered", from what you describe. He may not be drinking, and certainly that's important; recovery can't happen until the drinking stops. But "recovery", at least as we use the word here, encompasses a lot more than just putting down the bottle.

This thread might be helpful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-re-post.html

How about your own recovery? You state that you "did everything you could to help him stay sober"--did you go to Alanon meetings or do anything else to help yourself recover from all those years of living with active alcoholism? Although you may not want to hear it, you do indeed have your own recovery to deal with--just b/c HE got sober doesn't mean that all of YOUR problems are now fixed too. (And these words are coming from someone who has been down that path, so please don't take offense--I've been there and seen how it doesn't work...)

I hope you can spend some time reading around the forum, and I hope you check out Alanon--both are great resources for education and support. I'll be watching for more posts from you in the days to come.

And here's a thought from your namesake:

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” – Socrates

LexieCat

Have you considered marriage counseling? Maybe someone with experience in addiction? It seems to me that, as you said, he's in denial about how his alcoholism affected you. I never recommend marriage counseling for someone whose partner is still drinking or VERY newly sober, but in your case it might be beneficial. At the very least you will have someone else telling him that those effects on you were very real. What he does with that information may tell you whether you want to remain in a marriage with someone who claims you are crazy.

And yes, I highly recommend Al-Anon, if you're not already going.

Hugs,

LeeJane

Part of working a recovery programme is to face the harm we (alcoholics) have caused others, make honest amends for the hurt our drinking and drinking behaviours have caused.

If we dont face this, we aren't recovering. We aren't sober. We are merely not drinking.

The two things are light years apart.

I write this as a double winner.

aliciagr

I have stayed with my partner and we are working on our relationship since his recovery from drug and alcohol abuse,

I think getting through it for me has meant two separate things. The first was that like you I had all these feelings brought out by the experiences I went through when he was using, and trying to figure thing out early on. I had to explore my feelings and I started therapy. I went with a medical professional who had training with addiction as well as the general psychological background.

Also it was tricky working with my husband. There were some specific things that happened and he doesnt even clearly remember. And in my therapy I was also able to work on how to better communicate with him so as to not put him on the defensive while I tried to express my feelings and what I needed from him. Little by little it became about reconnecting and moving forward. Marriage counseling also helped us. I think one important thing is that you dont go into it expecting it to be all one sided because possibly he has things he needs to get out also but doesnt know how to interact with you. Of course your guy could be completely different than mine and none of this may be helpful in dealing with him.

tomsteve

Any thoughts?

imo, it reads like a dry dunk and not recovered.