Sasha1972

Hi everyone,

I'm the one with the ex who came to Kid's school drunk to take her out and got stopped by the cops (and who texts Kid about "your a$$hole mom" when I won't let her spend the night at his place).

I retained a lawyer today. We are drafting a letter to ex's lawyer (who's handling his divorce from ex-wife #2) proposing arbitration to alter the existing divorce order (which specifies joint custody and shared parenting) to one in which I have sole custody and primary residence, with visitation and access for him controlled by me (this is the de facto situation for over a year, since ex started falling apart rapidly).

I think this has to be done. He is not competent to make decisions on her behalf and he has demonstrated over and over this year that he is not willing to do what he has to do to meet her needs for security and safety (namely, stop drinking and raging all the time). She is not safe with him. I need the legal power to control his access. He is also actively poisoning her relationship with me.

However, I am also kind of terrified. He will be absolutely outraged - Kid is the only thing he has left after he's trashed his health, his finances, two marriages, his career, friendships, etc. I am imagining the ways he might lash out and worrying about things like whether he might damage my car, show up at my work, harass Kid even more than he already is, and so forth. The fear is not going to stop me from putting things in motion, but it is going to make these next month or so pretty awful. All advice welcome.

Ariesagain

Would this be supervised visitation? Because he should not be alone with her to either put her at risk or further poison her mind.

soberandhonest

Hi Sasha. Are you sure that the letter to your ex's lawyer is proposing arbitration, as you state above? Arbitration is generally a binding process whereby you substitute an arbitrator (often an attorney or ex-judge) for the judge. I'm by no means a family law expert, but I would be reluctant to arbitrate this issue. Seems like perhaps your attorney is proposing an "agreement" to alter your existing divorce order. Anyway, if it truly is arbitration that is being suggested, I would just make sure that you really understand the process, and the potential positives and negatives, before you agree to it. Good luck. It is definitely good that you are doing this, no matter how hard it must be for you.

Sasha1972

Yes, it's binding arbitration. The waiting list for a court date in Special Chambers (which in my jurisdiction is what would handle these matters) is booking into September 2018 (and that number is not a typo). With arbitration, we could potentially get a decision within six weeks. I understand that in my jurisdiction, awards (decisions) reached in binding arbitration have the same legal force as court decisions, except that the evidence does not become part of the public record (which is an incentive to ex, as it would keep some of the worst stuff about him out of the public eye, especially important as he's fighting a divorce from ex-wife #2). My understanding is that arbitration awards are written up as variations to an existing order and filed at the court with the order that they modify.

So as far as I can tell, binding arbitration is as secure as going to court, but it's a lot faster. Ex could refuse to arbitrate (it's voluntary), but if he did, the outcome in court would most likely be a lot worse (from his point of view) than what I would be willing to agree to in arbitration.

LexieCat

I'm assuming she meant mediation, not arbitration. Both are considered alternative dispute resolution methods, but mediation is what's used in family court.

Sasha, no telling how he will react, but if you are at all afraid for your or your child's safety, call your local DV shelter and talk with an advocate. In some places all you need to show to get an order is harassment. Other places you have to show risk of physical injury. But the advocate can give you guidance about what might be available to you, help with safety planning, etc. Never hurts to get information. And your lawyer might or might not be very conversant with DV issues, so I think the advocate would be your best starting point.

LexieCat

I've never heard of arbitration in family court, but I seem to learn something new every day.

firebolt

Sending good vibes your way - hopefully he just crawls away...OR gets some friggin help.

Sasha1972

I am honestly not sure whether I should stand firm on supervised visitation. At the moment, what I will allow is visits of not more than two hours, in a public place, and I do all the dropoffs and pickups so I can bail if he's not sober. Kid is going to be a teenager soon, she has her phone (which is set up with FindMyPhone so I can track it) and I will be within five minutes. I'm not sure what would be gained by me being physically present while she's with her father (besides more resentment towards me). If she were younger, I would insist on being physically there, but at this age and under these conditions - I'm not sure.

I do worry about the mind-poisoning, but I can't prevent it entirely - all I can do is counter it through my own example. But I'm open to other opinions.

Sasha1972

Yup, it's a relatively new thing in my jurisdiction (to relieve the family-court overload, there are lots of new modalities of alternative dispute resolution). I wouldn't do mediation if it wasn't binding.

LexieCat

Some family courts have people who can supervise visitation--it shouldn't be you. It might be a trusted family member or friend.

hopeful4

Just sending hugs and support. You are doing the right thing.

Hangnbyathread

As you said, they rage over losing control like this.

I am worried about your kids and you in this. For everything you mentioned could happen. I'm afraid by the time you wait for DV or LE or attorneys to get involved, he will already do something. It takes days, weeks, months to get any help from those channels.

Disclaimer: I am not offering any legal advice of any kind here.

If I had kids, I'd call the school and let them know whats going on and see if they can help protect them from being picked up by him. I don't know if you can legally do this, but I'd hope they can help protect them. He unfortunately will have rights as a parent in this process. Until such time as he doesn't. He is smart enough to know that if he is going to do something, it will have to be before he gets restrained from making contact.

LexieCat

A protective order can be obtained in a matter of hours. IF you qualify for one. An emergency order can be heard on short notice in family courts when the actual safety of children are at stake. You won't get a final, permanent order quickly, but interim orders can be entered on VERY short notice.

The schools most likely cannot legally prevent an apparently sober and competent parent from picking up a child, absent a court order. They could be legally liable for not releasing the child.

Sasha1972

The ex has been banned by Kid's after-school care, located in the same building as the school. Notice of the ban has been delivered by police. Staff have been instructed to call police if they see him on or near the site. So he can't pick up Kid after school - only I can do that.

The school itself cannot legally refuse to release Kid to him (one reason why I am seeking sole custody) - but they can take a long time determining whether he is sober and competent, during which they can call me, I can come to the school, and Kid can be released to me instead.

I don't qualify for an emergency order until there's been an actual, unambiguous threat. I have spoken with my manager at work, who is arranging to have a peephole put in my office door. I have also had my parking space reassigned (this is challenging because ex works for the same organization, although he is currently on long-term disability). A picture of ex has been circulated to our organization's security service as well as the office staff on my floor with instructions to call security if he is seen, and I am implementing working-alone protocols.

I am moving as fast as I can to secure solid, binding orders giving me custody, but it won't happen tomorrow, but if I act outside the law, I jeopardize the whole process.

Ariesagain

Wow, it sounds like you have great support. That's one proactive, organized company you work for and it's really good they're taking this seriously.

Sending you a hug.

LexieCat

You're being very smart, Sasha.

And yes, the school CAN ban him from their property--I was forgetting about that part. That's what started this whole rigmarole. Under normal circumstances they couldn't refuse to release a child (e.g., if it was based on your own legitimate concerns), but they've actually deemed him a threat, so they're on solid ground.

I'm glad everyone is taking this so seriously.

lizatola

Yeah,that was my first thought.
I am very sorry for what you are going through but I'm glad that the school and your work are assisting you with accommodations and helping you with this issue, as well. HUGS!

soberandhonest

I just have to say ... You're handling all of this with amazing proficiency. Really. You're doing everything right and you've thought through all the issues. I hope you're holding up emotionally through all of this.

Bekindalways

Sasha1972

So I just got word from my lawyer that he has sent ex's lawyer a letter saying that I am seeking binding arbitration to resolve parenting issues. I am really anxious about how he will respond (not well), but telling myself that anxiety is natural, it doesn't mean I did the wrong thing.

His parenting behavior has regressed from adequate to psychologically harmful to now physically harmful. I have to be able to protect her, and the piece of paper giving me sole custody will help. Not pursuing this would be irresponsible on my part. This does not mean that I am vindictive or malicious. I am more than willing to facilitate visits and limited contact. If he gets his act together, I am more than willing to move back towards shared parenting. But right now, I can't let this go. I am not causing a problem. I am responding to a problem that has been created by him.

(a little self-talk here!)