FireSprite

Like PuzzledHeart, I have a short list of deal-breakers in all relationships in my life. In a nutshell, if the relationship is eroding who I AM as a person, if I'm adjusting to the temperature of the water raising somehow a few degrees more than is reasonable...... it's time to reevaluate, lay some new boundary work & decide if it's just time to move on.

And you know something? It's NO easier to do when it comes to friends I've known for decades than it is my spouse or "soul mate" or whatever term you want to attach to it. It's no easier to maintain limited or no contact with family members who never stop being toxic. The difficulty is always relative to the intimacy of the relationship & in my recovery, ALL of them have been tested & challenged. Sometimes, the pushback was downright volcanic.

I love my husband. I love who he is at his core Self, the person he has always been for the majority of the 24 years I've known him. From him, I need to see honest, progressive efforts. A true desire to grow & accountability when he stumbles or struggles. And to be clear - honest accountability is, I think, sometimes the HARDEST part of the process & without it, it means there's really no acceptance either.

I think this also requires, to some degree, a certain willingness to be flexible to different methods & sources of recovery. Not ALL of our gifts arrive in the packages we expect..... an open mind is our best ally in this process, IMO. There is no one, single true solution but I've gotten SOMETHING out of EVERY resource I've ever tapped related to recovery. Even if it was just a bridge to something else that ended up ringing true for me.

My marriage is a bonus in my life, an ADDITION to who I am as a person. It doesn't define me so I don't depend on it for my personal definition if the day ever comes when I walk away from it for good. (for the record, we were separated for over 2 yrs at one point) I am confident in my independence as a person without him - financially, emotionally and otherwise. I know that no matter what, being alone is better than choosing to live in any version of hell.

Life is TOO short. I'm here to LIVE it, not endlessly examine it. Like it was said upthread, we all take a certain amount of risk analysis on in situations throughout our life all the time - careers, parenting, finances, etc. Where we are now, my risk is limited to a temporarily broken heart if I wake up tomorrow & find that things have deteriorated in my marriage. But it WOULD be temporary; everything in life IS to me. I have a very Buddhist view of this - the pain might be inevitable, but the suffering would be optional, because I'M worth more than that.

LeeJane

Enjoyed reading this thread, thanks all.

I stay with active AH as it suits me to do so. It suits him to be with me. Simple as that.

I enjoy working my own recovery on daily basis. Seven years sober. Now I have discovered who I am I find I am a happy introvert and I love going places on my own. So I do.

Hub doesn't come along, which is great because I don't want him or anyone else to.

We are retired, no financial worries. No kids at home.

I think if kids at home, it would be very different and we would have had to part. I couldn't put kids through being in a home with an alkie (as I was growing up).

aliciagr

Thank you to everyone who shared. Especially these last few post where people took the time to write out the deal breakers for them specifically. A lot of important things were mentioned here, and I also think there is a good comparison when talking about friends in general because often we have very close relationships and confidants in our friends. Much for me to think about.

To go back and answer one question. I plan on staying at my parents for a while because of the pregnancy and I need to avoid stress right now. I dont want to move, or stress too much about our relationship. Its a good time to let him get himself back on track while we slowly test the waters between us and just allow feelings to settle. The last 6 months have been filled with a lot of work, and the 6 months or so before that were the worst of my life.

Have only been here a matter of weeks, and there is a lot to do about listing our house in the other state, and moving our things out. We briefly talked about it, and both agreed neither of us want to go back there. Im going to let him do most of the work with getting our stuff here and the real estate issue.

Then I dont know what we will do because it would be better to roll the proceeds into a new house, but I guess one person could always buy the other out if it comes to that. There is a lot to work out obviously.

Feeling better though, and right now all is ok. Im incredibly happy to be home and have reached out to a few friends I hadnt spoke to in about a year! Its like I was taken off on an alien ship and it was a horrible ride. I used that exact example because I think it got my point across to them.

Ariesagain

I'm delighted that you're back where you have a stronger support system and aren't as isolated. That can only help.

aliciagr

Thank you Aries. I have had a great weekend, Yesterday my mom and I indulged in retail therapy and a girls day. Later, we met up with my dad, and my husband for a nice dinner out. Today we all went to church together and dinner at my parents. I am still hitting myself over the head for not reaching out to my parents last year. I sure hope Ive learned some valuable lessons from all of this that will serve me way into the future. I know God has a plan and a purpose for what I experienced.

PuzzledHeart

Retail therapy can be awesome! Glad your weekend went well.

aliciagr

Thanks Puzzled. Its been a long time since my mom and I went out on a day like that. Plus I needed some clothes due to a little baby weight Ive gained.

aliciagr

I was browsing around on this site, something I dont do very often and I found a thread that I enjoyed reading and thinking about.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...jerk-core.html

Briansy

Grim outlook!

SparkleKitty

She's sharing her (very, very valid) experience. If your mileage varies, please contribute as such, we'd like to hear it!

aliciagr

I dont think the poster said the experience wasnt valid, just that it was GRIM.

If you want to see some more diverse opinions Sparkle, then you should look at the link I posted above. Its from the Newcomers section where its a mix of people posting on Does Drinking Make People A Jerk, or is that their normal inclination.

Some people on this forum may be dealing with people in their lives who are just jerks and its not necessarily related to substances. But others may be dealing with a partner who has symptoms that may go away when substance abuse stops.

SparkleKitty

Thanks, alicia, I have seen that link!

AnvilheadII

Some people on this forum may be dealing with people in their lives who are just jerks and its not necessarily related to substances. But others may be dealing with a partner who has symptoms that may go away when substance abuse stops.

and that's the HOOK.....oh no, MY partner who rants and raves and throws things, calls me names, insults my children, and hasn't held a job in three years.....no it's not HIS fault, it's the alcohol. IF ONLY he would quit drinking.........then ALL our problems will go away.

if only.........10 years, 20 years, 4 kids, financial ruin.....

after a time, does it MATTER what is causing the destruction?? if your house catches fire, does it really matter if it's an Act of God or the neighbor with a blow torch?? the damage is DONE.

we do not have to suffer the life of addiction just because our loved one is an addict.

aliciagr

This thread topic is about people who have recovered from an addiction, or who live in recovery mode and what helps you decide if you want to stay in the relationship or not -

Its not about how to make the decision to stay with an active addict or a jerk

AnvilheadII

pretty sure i GOT that, but thanks for spelling it out for me. being a recovering addict myself in a relationship with a recovering addict, CRACK i might add, both of us living "in recovery" for 9 years now i probably don't know what i'm talking about...........

LexieCat

Let me ask you something, alicia. Assuming that your husband is not at risk of harming you again and that he doesn't go back to use of drugs or alcohol, what else are you concerned about? You talk about whether it's "worth it" to stay. If he's at risk of harming you, then I can't imagine what would make it "worth it." If he's NOT at risk of harming you, what are you worried about? Whether he will cheat on you again?

I'm just trying to get a handle on what it is we're supposedly talking about here. What is it you're afraid of?

aliciagr

As everyone here knows when someone we love is addicted to substances we go through a lot. For me, its created a lot of feelings, questions, insecurities, and concerns about the future. My emotions, goals for my future, concern for my child, and questions about my husbands mental and physical health are stirred up - even though he is not abusing anything now.

I just wanted some general feedback on other peoples feelings and what drove their thought process. I have received some good insight so far on deal breakers.

I havent posted on my own specific list of concerns so far on this thread, or deal breakers that I have had with other people in my life. I try to use feedback I get here to help me with my own journaling efforts.

LexieCat

So do you think those emotions, goals for your future, concern for your child, and questions about your husband's mental and physical health are invalid?

I know you are wondering what you should be thinking about, and I think you are thinking about the right things. The real issue is how you determine whether you are going to be safe. Whether your child will be safe. Whether you will regret a decision to stay. The problems, as I see it, is that nobody--including you, but least of all someone else--is going to be able to know for sure what the answers are.

And I think it's important that you not brush off your concerns as something that's just a product of stress. You have good grounds to be concerned. And sometimes our own worries are NOT imaginary, but something we need to pay attention to.

Regardless of the thought processes someone else goes through, all that really matters is the outcome. Nobody here is able to gauge your husband's commitment to recovery, whether he will stay sober, whether despite sobriety he has abusive tendencies that will show themselves again. Nobody can say whether you and your child will be safe and happy if you stay, or if you go. It's not a matter of hitting on the right formula for analysis.

aliciagr

Your story and that of your husbands and marriage is amazing and interesting. Here are two people who stopped using drugs and alcohol and stayed married and ended up 9 years later with a happy marriage.

I wish there was a time machine and both of you could have answered my question when you were at a much earlier stage say a few weeks, 90 days, 6 months, a year out. That would be even more helpful because there was no track record of success. And I can imagine there were a lot of possible pitfalls.

Most people say the first year is difficult when stopping drugs and alcohol. Im not sure if you both stopped at the same time, or if one of you continued on in the relationship while the other was still actively using. That would be a good point to ask why stay.

Then even assuming you both stopped cold turkey and never slipped up or relapsed, there would have been a lot going on in terms of healing of the brain, physical changes, withdrawals, mood swings, possible depression, frustration, confusion, learning to live life on its own terms without drugs and alcohol, getting to know yourself, your partner as a sober person. People need to learn to be open, honest, trustworthy when sober, accountable for money and all these things. They need to show transparency to each other, and make amends for all that they did while under the influence. Offer forgiveness, and heal from the events in their own way. Then there are other considerations like joint ownership of property, vehicles and insurance, (in case a person relapsed and got a DUI or something) Basically a lot of safe guards you might have to consider to protect yourself - stuff you wouldnt even think about with a non-addict.

All of this can be emotional and stressful for both people in a marriage. Never seen anyone here not have a long list of issues caused by active addiction. It almost always affects the spouse and family. You both accomplished a lot and are a good example for all of us -proving it can work out in a very positive way, marriage intact and healthy.

I guess that is where Im at now.Where you and your husband each would have been when under a year, and not almost 10. I have our past and the present information to examine while projecting into the future.

I dont guess this site was around or you were posting here back then, but it would be cool to take that journey with you.

LexieCat

It's not a simple matter of extrapolation. It's ALWAYS a gamble. Because the only person you can control is you. And no matter how well--how PERFECTLY--you take care of your side of the street, the outcome depends on two different people, both doing what they should be doing, both caring about the other, as well as a bit of cooperation from life circumstances (nobody is diagnosed with cancer, has to deal with unexpected financial catastrophe, etc.). God willing, your child will be healthy. But suppose you have a child born with a disability? That puts extreme stress on the healthiest of relationships.

Yes, some people grow through challenges in life. Other people fall apart. No relationship is utterly bulletproof. In the end, a lot of it is a matter of luck.