FireSprite

I think that this statement illustrates exactly what Lexi (& others) have been trying to say.

Why would ANY one, single person hold every single answer for every single situation that crosses their path? Is it REALLY so impossible to believe that as competent as she may be, she's still potentially missing a lot due to a variety of reasons?

I feel like you go all-in on your decisions when you make them Alicia, which is great in terms of having thoroughly researched something before jumping in.... but you also seem to believe that those decisions never require re-examination, which is the exact OPPOSITE of everything I've found to be true in MY recovery process. When I limit the ways I am willing to receive information or the value I'm willing to place on it based on the source; I. lose every. single. time. (some of the most comforting "gems" in my recovery that have carried me through the darkest times came from random, unexpected sources - not PhD credentialed therapists) And I lose a lot OF time, wasted, chasing my tail in the same circles. Again, just MY experience.

Wholesome

I read that book after I left my husband and it changed my whole thinking about abusive men. Highly recommend it to anyone living in a situation like that. Men like that don't change, they have an ingrained self entitled belief that they can abuse and control women and children. My ex hasn't changed one bit, he treats his new wife like *hit too and he still doesn't treat one of his children right, one can do no wrong and the other gets treated second class. It kills me as a mother that my boys have to go to his house, I always try to keep them here more than our agreement calls for. My oldest who is the one who gets verbally abused hates going there and stays here with me most of the time now that he's old enough to make his own decisions. It has completely damaged his self esteem and self worth and my ex takes zero responsibility for it.

LexieCat

It's not all about degrees and education. Experiential background makes many professionals far more credible than someone who's studied but not worked on the ground. 25 years of experience working directly with men who abuse women, and with women who have been abused, extensive recognition by professionals and courts at all levels qualifies someone as an expert. He doesn't hold himself out as an expert in psychology, because this isn't an issue that is all about psychology.

honeypig

I want to echo what FS said in her post above. It's tempting, all right, to say "THIS person is the one I'm going to entrust w/my recovery. Whatever he/she says I should do, I will do. He/she is an EXPERT, and so they must know exactly what I need to do to make things work out the way I want them to." Know why it's so tempting? Two reasons: 1) It takes the responsibility/control off of me and puts it on someone else, and 2) this feels very comfortable and normal, turning over responsibility for and control over my life to someone else, just like I've been giving my A control over my life...

In my experience, if I truly expect to heal, to grow, to recover, there is no one that can do that work for me but me. No expert, no sponsor, no therapist, knows enough about me to advise me on every single aspect of my recovery.

Another thing that I think is attractive about letting some "expert" run the show is that it seems that this way, recovery will be a linear process, starting at point A and progressing in an orderly fashion to point B and then on to C, D, E, all the way to Z, where everything is finally made clear and all parties live happily ever after.

Oh, so NOT!!

Nope, I think recovery is anything BUT linear, or at least my experience has surely not been that way. Just like in FS's experience, the answer to my problem/question at any given time has come from any of a number of sources--a post at SR, a share at Alanon, a book I'm reading, a radio show, an overheard part of a conversation, something a family member tells me about their own life, just anywhere.

I do totally get it about wanting to have ONE all-knowing source who can direct your every move. It sure would simplify things. I just don't think it works that way, though, and again, as FS said, limiting your sources of information could be cutting out your link to what you most need to learn right at that moment.

mylifeismine

One thing that I believe with all my heart & soul,
is that on my journey to live & bring healing & healthy
relationships into my life -

Eveyone Is My Teacher

As others have said, when one is sincerely on a quest for
something, the answers can come from the most unlikely
sources and we have to be open to "receiving" it and deciding
if it is what we need or not, even if at first glance it seems
unlikely.

LexieCat

Yup, I agree wholeheartedly. My recovery from alcoholism was based not only on AA and the principles of the Steps, but on Buddhism, my own experience and observation of the people and alcoholics (recovered and not) in my life, things I've read here and elsewhere. You take what speaks to you, what feels like truth--even when that truth is uncomfortable--and discard that which may be true for someone else but not for you. But you consider all the possibilities.

I get really angry when I read the Orange Papers, a virulently anti-AA site that tears down every aspect of a program I hold dear. Still, there are truths there--bad experiences people had that are worth taking seriously. I don't reject the program based on what I read there, but I do try to incorporate the truths in there in how I interact with other people in and about the program.

The only bad knowledge is "fake" knowledge--something manufactured or manipulated for the sake of advancing an agenda. Just because something isn't universally true doesn't mean that it isn't true for many/most/some people under certain circumstances. The more I know, the more likely I am to arrive at an answer that works for ME.

qtpi

I really liked the book. I hope I state this in the right way. In the past if someone indicated to me that my relationship with XAH was not fixable, I wasn't interested in hearing any more. What got me out was gradually realizing I couldn't make things better. He was abusive and not motivated to change.

Wholesome

I completely agree that substance abuse has nothing to do with abuse from the abuser. He may try to blame it on that but he will do it whether he's high/drunk or not. And he can turn it off and on. My ex would abuse me in front of my friends but never in front of his, or he would abuse me in front of his family but never in front of mine. He was totally in control of himself. And once the law got involved he could switch in an instant into a charming amicable guy and talk his way out of trouble. They are highly manipulative.

LexieCat

I never lived in an abusive relationship, but I've worked with hundreds of victims and talked with many more. When you read the book, it's so enlightening because all of a sudden the things that victims experienced, which seemed so utterly inexplicable, made perfect sense. It provides validation that there is a reason for all of it--the confusion most people feel is actually part of the PLAN.