hopeful4

Letting him even in the home is only encouraging him. Stand firm and do not let him in again. He is showing you who he is, a drunken mess. Believe it.

atalose

Because that is exactly what you craved/wanted, him to say he misses you and wants to get back together. That he will get sober and come back for you............all of those words are what you've been hoping to hear.

Why else would you have kept referring to him as "coming home".

I hope you have a therapy appointment coming up because even thought you say you told him he couldn't stay I'm sure this whole incident has put you in reverse.

Or maybe you are finally seeing through his crap and manipulations.

Ariesagain

Well, he got the "bull" part right anyway.

Maybe now you're able to see this more clearly?

LexieCat

Well, SURE part of you wanted to see him too. You think newly sober alcoholics don't miss drinking? Just because you "wanted" to see him doesn't mean it was a good idea or healthy for you to do that. An alcoholic feels great relief when s/he gives in to the mental battle and picks up that drink. It harms him/her, regardless of how good it felt in the moment.

This guy is BAD NEWS for you.

Ituvia

Agree with everything. I have therapist appointment next week and then he is off to the US for four weeks.

Ituvia

I was just thinking, you know, if I loved someone and I broke up with them, I wouldn't do the one thing that would annoy them. That would certainly not help in getting them back. He couldn't even stay sober enough when he wanted to meet. Maybe it was all drunken thoughts. Even wanting me back.

Ariesagain

You're not a drinker, right?

As a former drunk, here's what being drunk does. It makes you insanely sad, mad, and self-pitying. It also treats you to an endless loop of your past, complete with violins and minor chords...there's a reason the word "maudlin" is used so often with "drunk." It makes you mawkishly sentimental. You cry at the drop of a kleenex.

None of it is authentic.

He didn't think about seeing you and trying to win you back and THEN get drunk. He got drunk and then he got an attack of the Booze Blues and then forced his way back into your life.

He probably wont even remember most of it.

I know it really hurt that he dumped you and I get that, I really do. But I hope now you can dump him, because the smelly, stupid, babbling drunk who showed up last night is who he is now.

AnvilheadII

don't read too much into the way the dogs reacted....hell my dogs act like anyone who comes over is the first human being they've ever seen!!!

so NOW are you ready to be done? completely block him and refuse ANY further contact whatsoever?

he was drunk. not sure what more needs to be said on the matter.

Ituvia

I drink but not out of my mind drunk. I get paranoid about getting fully drunk because I always feel that only I am there to take care of myself. Anyway, you're right. All the talk of rehab and everything is so irritating because I've heard it a million times.

atalose

Honey he doesn't want you back nor does he really care about you, people who truly care about US don't call at 2AM drunk and make demands that ignore us as people deserving of respect and our feelings.

He does what he does because you continue to allow him to. Cut off your part in all of this and stop hurting yourself. He's doing what drunks do but you were the one who answered the phone and opened your door.

Bekindalways

Someone here suggested that seeing him turned into some kind of aversion therapy for you. True?

Ituvia

Nor sure, Bekindalways. I just couldn't not answer the landline. I don't know why. I felt awful. He called again yesterday and begged me to unblock him on the phone, I refused. He asked me if we ever have a chance, I said NO. He said he wouldn't call me again until he is back from rehab. He also kept saying he was angry and he did all those things in rage and that he realizes it was vengeful, he doesn't want his parents or friends because they all lied and he only wants me. I was like, there is no excuse for that kind of behavior even if one is angry and it's impossible that everyone was lying except him. He says he is going to fix his alcohol problem with or without me and that I will see. I told him I won't be there to see it but good luck. I know all of this is just quacking and he must be feeling alone so he is trying to just make his way back into my life.
I was so irritated that he was drunk again, I told him I don't want to talk to him when he is drunk and I don't want to talk to him at all.

LexieCat

He's totally playing you. "His parents and friends all lied, and he only wants me." This is a crock. They probably got fed up with him, and now he is flailing around for someone to make him FEEL better.

And regardless of what you tell him, look at your OWN actions. The act of answering the phone and letting him talk is totally inconsistent with the message that you aren't sticking around for him, good luck, and have a nice life.

So ever so slowly you are slipping back into the dance. The time to stop it is now. Because if he comes back from rehab sober (at least for the moment) you will be re-thinking everything and winding right back where you were before.

Refiner

Welp, there you go. What a jerk.

Refiner

It's because he is a SELFISH PERSON. Addiction and Selfishness go hand in hand. Those who are addicts but are not selfish have a greater chance of recovery IMO. Selfish people can't 'rehab' themselves out of being selfish IMO. He would do the one thing that annoys the other because it is self-gratification (which is the same reason for abusing a substance) and he doesn't give a sh*t how it makes you feel. This will always be HIM.

FallenAngelina

In addition to this excellent point, I'd add that until you address all of the reasons that he is so attractive to you, not much will change in your life, Ituvia. You may get sucked back in or you may indeed stay away, but you will likely just find another equally as problematic partnership the next go round. The little you shared with us about your childhood is enough to know that you have a lot of unresolved and lingering pain, pain that keeps showing itself to you in your love relationships as an adult. Whether your A is in your life, dancing with you, or out of your life, you are still you and unless you address the underlying reasons that this man is so attractive, you will bring all of this to the next man you meet. The steps and the music will be different, but it will be the same dance.

Emotionally healthy women are not attracted to alcoholics. I say this seven days into "no contact" with my beloved ABF, so I'm no great achiever, but I can see that to have a better life, stopping contact is just a beginning step. We need to dig deep and feel what's inside of us that is sooooo responsive to these men and this dance.

Ituvia

Yes, I asked him the very question. How can the whole world lie and only you speak the truth when your actions are consistent with what you told the world? He says he was angry that I hit him so he went on a rampage.

Just when I thought I was making progress with therapy, he is back at it. And he says to give him one last chance and that he wants to go to rehab so he can be a better man. Whatever it is, I KNOW and I feel certain that all this about going to rehab and everything is a clever ruse. I feel like he is not really ready for rehab. If he really wanted recovery, he would've admitted himself immediately. Instead he says he will go after he completes five years at work(in a month). Which is OK but he just continues to drink in the meantime. As if he is waiting for some sign. Even though I feel sad for the person with the disease, it irritates me to no end that he thinks all it takes is a sorry for him to get me back. I would've felt a teeny bit better if he had listed the things he did wrong. But the answer was no answer. Nada. Just blank stare and silence. So f*cking annoyed.
I have disconnected my landline for now and will not be attending his calls anymore. I don't want to be ambivalent.

atalose

Why would you even debate or attempt to have a real conversation with someone who is drunk?

No, he's not back at it, he's doing what he's done all along. You are the one back at it, you had choices NOT to answer your phone or open your door but you did.

Clever ruse????? what????? seriously??? a clever ruse for what exactly? It's typical quacking from an alcoholic to manipulate a codependent.

You are hanging onto every drunk word this alcoholic spewed at 2AM looking for some kind of realness, some kind of honesty, some kind of remorse or sorrow............at 2AM from a drunk!!!!! Then being annoyed at the disappointment once again for coming face to face with who he actually is.

More of this ^^^^^^^

firebolt

That's the quickest way to end the suffering for you.

If he wanted to go to rehab, he would be in rehab.

FallenAngelina

This right here is codependent thinking. "If only he would have _______ , my mood/thoughts/feelings/life would be so much better. I'd be happy if only he would ______." We base our feelings on their behavior.