30 days of limbo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
they're suffering because I work too much. He's mad because I work too much
they are suffering because their FATHER ABUSES them and their mother. and every time she gets close to making a break, he ramps up the power play and controls her.
as long as you have a job, you have the ability to be self supporting and get AWAY from him. you are closer to freedom than you have ever been. staying is not going to fix anything.
they are suffering because their FATHER ABUSES them and their mother. and every time she gets close to making a break, he ramps up the power play and controls her.
as long as you have a job, you have the ability to be self supporting and get AWAY from him. you are closer to freedom than you have ever been. staying is not going to fix anything.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Lately he's only abusive when I'm not home, but no abuse in the last three weeks. His family grew up this way. They won't see anything wrong. His mother use to take a pipe to her dog. Hes been emotioally abusive with the children but not physically abusive. Less then he was.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Hh,
I am very confused!!
"He's only abusive when I'm not home?" Hh, why are you leaving the children with him? You know he is abusing your children and you arent stopping it??
If you are aware of abuse, and day care or teachers hear about the abuse, your children could be taken away. Please take the children and get the hell out of of the home.
I am sure there are teachers, social workers or police officers who "post" on this forum, and if they knew who you were, they are mandated by law to call the Department of children and family services on you. Please take your children out of his care immediately !!
I am very confused!!
"He's only abusive when I'm not home?" Hh, why are you leaving the children with him? You know he is abusing your children and you arent stopping it??
If you are aware of abuse, and day care or teachers hear about the abuse, your children could be taken away. Please take the children and get the hell out of of the home.
I am sure there are teachers, social workers or police officers who "post" on this forum, and if they knew who you were, they are mandated by law to call the Department of children and family services on you. Please take your children out of his care immediately !!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
hearthealth,
If you stay with him, it means the kids stay with him all of the time.
If you divorce him, at the very least you give the kids a break and stability. They know that they won't have to walk on eggshells when they're with you. And when they're with him, even if they are having a truly crappy time, they know there will be a beginning, middle, and end.
If you stay with him, they will just be on high alert all the time, even when he isn't drunk. They will always be looking over their shoulder. When my nanny abused me, she didn't beat the crap out of me all of the time, but just enough to remind me who was boss.
When I got older, I would ride my bike for hours, miles away from my neighborhood, just to get away from her. Home was the last place I wanted to be.
You think that your kids are miserable because you work too much? They're miserable because they're stuck with him!
PS. I don't remember if your kids ever expressed reservations about him leaving. I do remember though, when my nanny would threaten to leave us alone. She would say "I'm going to leave now" and we would beg her to stay. Not because we actually wanted her to stay, but because we felt guilty for wishing that she would leave. And we were petrified that people would think that it was our fault, that we drove her away. Does that make sense?
If you stay with him, it means the kids stay with him all of the time.
If you divorce him, at the very least you give the kids a break and stability. They know that they won't have to walk on eggshells when they're with you. And when they're with him, even if they are having a truly crappy time, they know there will be a beginning, middle, and end.
If you stay with him, they will just be on high alert all the time, even when he isn't drunk. They will always be looking over their shoulder. When my nanny abused me, she didn't beat the crap out of me all of the time, but just enough to remind me who was boss.
When I got older, I would ride my bike for hours, miles away from my neighborhood, just to get away from her. Home was the last place I wanted to be.
You think that your kids are miserable because you work too much? They're miserable because they're stuck with him!
PS. I don't remember if your kids ever expressed reservations about him leaving. I do remember though, when my nanny would threaten to leave us alone. She would say "I'm going to leave now" and we would beg her to stay. Not because we actually wanted her to stay, but because we felt guilty for wishing that she would leave. And we were petrified that people would think that it was our fault, that we drove her away. Does that make sense?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hearthealth....one of the great ironies that is seen on this forum, over and over, is the fact that when the children get older. it is the non-alcoholic parent that they blame for not getting them out of the situation when there was the opportunity.....
"Why did you make us stay?" "Why didn't you leave?"
"Why did you make us stay?" "Why didn't you leave?"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
My original pity party was how I'll be a failure either way. My husband is better. He isn't symbolicly violent anymore after three years ago. Maybe this will last to. The court's gave him permission to stay until June 1st. They obviously didn't see a need for immediate removal.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
How are YOU a failure if you leave? And "better" is a relative term. It was a matter of WEEKS ago he was abusing the kids, correct?
Courts are limited, in making their decisions, by the evidence before them. They don't see what happens on a day-to-day basis. They aren't there when he is yanking their hair and berating them for their eating habits.
Even if you aren't able to protect your kids from every bit of the abuse, they will see that you are doing what you can. If you stay, you might as well be telling them that what their dad does is OK. Not being able to protect them perfectly doesn't make you a "failure," but I think not even trying to get them a peaceful, stable home sends the message that they are not important enough to do anything about it.
Haven't you told us in the past how much more peaceful and pleasant it is at home when he's away?
Courts are limited, in making their decisions, by the evidence before them. They don't see what happens on a day-to-day basis. They aren't there when he is yanking their hair and berating them for their eating habits.
Even if you aren't able to protect your kids from every bit of the abuse, they will see that you are doing what you can. If you stay, you might as well be telling them that what their dad does is OK. Not being able to protect them perfectly doesn't make you a "failure," but I think not even trying to get them a peaceful, stable home sends the message that they are not important enough to do anything about it.
Haven't you told us in the past how much more peaceful and pleasant it is at home when he's away?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Would you be able to STOP him from yelling at them if you were there?
hh, I know you feel like if he's abusing you, he's not abusing them, but the evidence is STAGGERING how bad being in an abusive home is for kids--even if the kids are not directly abused. I read an article this morning about suicidality in YOUNG kids--from five to 15, and although they haven't sorted out all the risk factors, apparently living in a home with domestic violence was a significant common thread in many of the cases.
Your kids ARE being harmed by having him in the home.
hh, I know you feel like if he's abusing you, he's not abusing them, but the evidence is STAGGERING how bad being in an abusive home is for kids--even if the kids are not directly abused. I read an article this morning about suicidality in YOUNG kids--from five to 15, and although they haven't sorted out all the risk factors, apparently living in a home with domestic violence was a significant common thread in many of the cases.
Your kids ARE being harmed by having him in the home.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Here's the quote from the article:
"Children under 6 who complete or attempt suicide are "pretty damaged kids," he said, explaining that the "one thing that jumps out" in case studies of these young children is how "they've been dramatically exposed to domestic violence."
'Alarming' rise in children hospitalized with suicidal thoughts or actions - CNN.com Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am going to tell you something. I am divorced from a marriage that was abusive at the end, but emotionally abusive all the way through. Let me tell you, that was worse than any physical abuse anyone will endure.
The best thing you can do right now is fight for your kids. Negotiate with your AH. I ended up with tons of debt in my divorce that was not even mine. Got the financial kick. However, I also negotiated with my X to have things put into my divorce decree to protect my children. It's not perfect, but it's a million percent better than it could be. Instead of sitting here pretending this is not happening, perhaps you should have an advocate from a DV shelter help you prepare an exit strategy and things to do to protect yourself and your children in the future.
Your husband is a BULLY. He is mean spirited, and will be mean to you and your children. He will make you so miserable if you stay that you will be in a bad place yourself. Where does that leave your children.
I would love to be a stay at home mom, bake cookies for my kids, take them everywhere they need to go, etc. Guess what, I have a J-O-B. It's totally ok. I still manage to get things done, get everyone where they need to be, and be there for all the majors in their lives. We are super close.
I won't lie. There are times through all of this stuff that I have looked back and thought maybe I should have just stayed. My kids would not have to deal with any custody issues with their father and step mother who is not a nice person. However, I also realize that I would have had a nervous breakdown if I had stayed. What sort of mother would that leave them?
Every single professional I have spoken to, be in counselors, attorneys, even my pastor, all say the same thing. It's a good thing I got out.
If you are in doubt, do a legal separation and make him leave for a year or so. Don't just ditch your whole plan b/c push has come to shove so he has little bits of being OK here and there. He yelled at you when you said goodnight? What an A$$.
We are here for you, but we cannot make you help yourself and your children. That has to come from within YOU.
Hugs.
The best thing you can do right now is fight for your kids. Negotiate with your AH. I ended up with tons of debt in my divorce that was not even mine. Got the financial kick. However, I also negotiated with my X to have things put into my divorce decree to protect my children. It's not perfect, but it's a million percent better than it could be. Instead of sitting here pretending this is not happening, perhaps you should have an advocate from a DV shelter help you prepare an exit strategy and things to do to protect yourself and your children in the future.
Your husband is a BULLY. He is mean spirited, and will be mean to you and your children. He will make you so miserable if you stay that you will be in a bad place yourself. Where does that leave your children.
I would love to be a stay at home mom, bake cookies for my kids, take them everywhere they need to go, etc. Guess what, I have a J-O-B. It's totally ok. I still manage to get things done, get everyone where they need to be, and be there for all the majors in their lives. We are super close.
I won't lie. There are times through all of this stuff that I have looked back and thought maybe I should have just stayed. My kids would not have to deal with any custody issues with their father and step mother who is not a nice person. However, I also realize that I would have had a nervous breakdown if I had stayed. What sort of mother would that leave them?
Every single professional I have spoken to, be in counselors, attorneys, even my pastor, all say the same thing. It's a good thing I got out.
If you are in doubt, do a legal separation and make him leave for a year or so. Don't just ditch your whole plan b/c push has come to shove so he has little bits of being OK here and there. He yelled at you when you said goodnight? What an A$$.
We are here for you, but we cannot make you help yourself and your children. That has to come from within YOU.
Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Thank you hopeful, that is one if my fears that he marries someone just as mean. At least now they get some peace with me. They will be older. Now they are 9 and 11 so I have to make them to do visitation which bites. I just contacted my lawyer to make sure we have some strong language to support visitation.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Keep in mind, this won't happen overnight. I get that fear. Make sure you not only put in the decree strong wording regarding drinking, etc, but also wording about what happens if these things do happen. What will be the consequence. If not, you leave your children being his monitor, and leave it up to the courts what, if anything, happens as an outcome. I made that mistake.
If you can get in that if the child is uncomfortable for any reason they have the option to go home or not choose visitation at that time, it would also be good.
Your children are of the age that they are going to start having a social life soon. Make sure there is wording that allows them to attend events on his weekends, things of that nature, and who pays for those things. My youngest is 11.5 and I am lucky that my XAH will let her do things on his weekend (next time she was supposto be at his house, she is going out of town w/her best friend and it falls on his weekend. He is letting her go. Many, many parents will not. Anticipate all of these things and get them in there. The less communications you have to have later about these things, the better.
Hugs.
If you can get in that if the child is uncomfortable for any reason they have the option to go home or not choose visitation at that time, it would also be good.
Your children are of the age that they are going to start having a social life soon. Make sure there is wording that allows them to attend events on his weekends, things of that nature, and who pays for those things. My youngest is 11.5 and I am lucky that my XAH will let her do things on his weekend (next time she was supposto be at his house, she is going out of town w/her best friend and it falls on his weekend. He is letting her go. Many, many parents will not. Anticipate all of these things and get them in there. The less communications you have to have later about these things, the better.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: former texan
Posts: 216
I am the (sober) alcoholic in my relationship. Having gotten to know myself fairly well through drinking and then sobriety, I honestly have no idea why spouses give us so much leeway to cause destruction.
We do not learn. We do not care. We will do anything to get what we want when we want it. Your feelings, the kids feelings, all do not matter. We are not sorry (until we get to a real place of sincere sobriety, where we start our inventory and make real amends in any way we can)
Your AH from all your writing does NOT appear to be anywhere near that. Why are you even negotiating with a loose cannon?
I read this area often, though don't comment, and it never ceases to amaze me how much you all believe that we can change for you, before we've ever changed. Sobriety is a long journey full of pitfalls. And frankly, early sobriety is an extremely self absorbed time (by necessity). We don't stop drinking and become instantly contrite. We don't see the error of our ways. That comes over time, and with a lot of work. Stop expecting some weird kind of sanity out of an insane person.
And to the OP - STOP putting your children in harms way. The harm he creates is HIS fault. The harm you allow because you KNOW he is doing it is YOUR fault. If my husband behaved that way I would pack us and move to a motel 6 if I had no choice. No child anywhere should be subjected to this nonsense - and you are supposed to be the sane and sober person.
Take action and quit mulling and going back and forth about him. He is him. He is his job. So far he stinks at it. Take the hint. Staying till the end of June is the worst idea I've ever heard. Your kids will resent you for just leaving them to deal with it. Please digest what I've said here.
It's not to be cruel. I honestly think you need an alcoholic insight, so I'm providing one.
We do not learn. We do not care. We will do anything to get what we want when we want it. Your feelings, the kids feelings, all do not matter. We are not sorry (until we get to a real place of sincere sobriety, where we start our inventory and make real amends in any way we can)
Your AH from all your writing does NOT appear to be anywhere near that. Why are you even negotiating with a loose cannon?
I read this area often, though don't comment, and it never ceases to amaze me how much you all believe that we can change for you, before we've ever changed. Sobriety is a long journey full of pitfalls. And frankly, early sobriety is an extremely self absorbed time (by necessity). We don't stop drinking and become instantly contrite. We don't see the error of our ways. That comes over time, and with a lot of work. Stop expecting some weird kind of sanity out of an insane person.
And to the OP - STOP putting your children in harms way. The harm he creates is HIS fault. The harm you allow because you KNOW he is doing it is YOUR fault. If my husband behaved that way I would pack us and move to a motel 6 if I had no choice. No child anywhere should be subjected to this nonsense - and you are supposed to be the sane and sober person.
Take action and quit mulling and going back and forth about him. He is him. He is his job. So far he stinks at it. Take the hint. Staying till the end of June is the worst idea I've ever heard. Your kids will resent you for just leaving them to deal with it. Please digest what I've said here.
It's not to be cruel. I honestly think you need an alcoholic insight, so I'm providing one.
and smile, I will :)
Join Date: May 2017
Location: nebraska...BFE
Posts: 40
HeartHealth,
I've been bouncing back and forth on the IF for a few years now.
My AH is ( and watch how dandy and lex will jump on me when I say this
) so wonderful when he's wonderful. Our minds think exactly the same when it comes to politics, religion, raising kids, music...the whole nine. I really thought this guy was my soul mate......NEWS FLASH....it's not REAL!!
The WHOLE time I'm enjoying the wonderful times I'm secretly dreading the fall that I KNOW is coming.....
Did you know that a lot of other women don't have the FALL? I mean sure there's the healthy ups and downs...but there is NO FALL.
You have to think about that...because we both know it's true. While the love in our heart and the logic in our heads are competing ...trust your soul. Trust your gut... and I can bet you that it's telling you what your heart doesn't want to hear but that your brain knows is legit.
It's not gonna be easy....
It's not gonna be fun..
but in the end, the sooner, is the better in all reality.
But I don't need to tell you that, because I think you already know.
Heres a hug to you girlie...
stay stong... and see it through.
I've been bouncing back and forth on the IF for a few years now.
My AH is ( and watch how dandy and lex will jump on me when I say this
) so wonderful when he's wonderful. Our minds think exactly the same when it comes to politics, religion, raising kids, music...the whole nine. I really thought this guy was my soul mate......NEWS FLASH....it's not REAL!! The WHOLE time I'm enjoying the wonderful times I'm secretly dreading the fall that I KNOW is coming.....
Did you know that a lot of other women don't have the FALL? I mean sure there's the healthy ups and downs...but there is NO FALL.
You have to think about that...because we both know it's true. While the love in our heart and the logic in our heads are competing ...trust your soul. Trust your gut... and I can bet you that it's telling you what your heart doesn't want to hear but that your brain knows is legit.
It's not gonna be easy....
It's not gonna be fun..
but in the end, the sooner, is the better in all reality.
But I don't need to tell you that, because I think you already know.
Heres a hug to you girlie...
stay stong... and see it through.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't doubt that he SEEMS wonderful when he's wonderful, but he's sort of like the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing, right? He LOOKS all fluffy and cuddly, but one step out of line on your part, or one attack of delusion on his part, and he is very, very dangerous indeed.
That's the bottom line--you can NEVER trust them to be the "wonderful" fluffy, cuddly guy over any specific period of time. They are ticking time bombs and you never know what will set them off.
No way to live.
That's the bottom line--you can NEVER trust them to be the "wonderful" fluffy, cuddly guy over any specific period of time. They are ticking time bombs and you never know what will set them off.
No way to live.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Free to smile thank you. You made me cry though not smile.
He is everything I wanted in a husband.....but he's not. His family is everything I ever wanted in laws....but their not.
My children are everything I ever wanted in children....but their not. Their not because I can see the destruction he is doing. I need to do everything I can do for my children even if I can't be there 100% for them.
He is everything I wanted in a husband.....but he's not. His family is everything I ever wanted in laws....but their not.
My children are everything I ever wanted in children....but their not. Their not because I can see the destruction he is doing. I need to do everything I can do for my children even if I can't be there 100% for them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He is everything I wanted in a husband.....but he's not. His family is everything I ever wanted in laws....but their not.
and that may be a big part of the problem....for you. you seem to hold tightly to this vision of The Perfect Happy Family - and you thought because you had the pieces in place, it would just all work out, happily ever after. you perhaps got too hung up on the DREAM and overlooked the REALITY.
you WILL be there for your kids 100%. you do not have to be physically attached to them 24/7 to be a kind, guiding, loving, protecting force in their lives. your ACTIONS will make up the difference.
and that may be a big part of the problem....for you. you seem to hold tightly to this vision of The Perfect Happy Family - and you thought because you had the pieces in place, it would just all work out, happily ever after. you perhaps got too hung up on the DREAM and overlooked the REALITY.
you WILL be there for your kids 100%. you do not have to be physically attached to them 24/7 to be a kind, guiding, loving, protecting force in their lives. your ACTIONS will make up the difference.
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